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Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Friday October 22nd 2010

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.     

 

 

Thank you for the fantastic support in 2010

 

Sarsfields Senior Manager Sean O'Sullivan and his management team of Tom Campbell, Martin McIntyre, David Earley, Ross Dunphy, Declan Conlon, Mark Dunning, Ann Nolan, Ken Coffey and Sean White along with Team Captain Gary White, Vice Captain Enda Freaney and the Full Panel of Players would like to thank all members, supporters and friends for the fantastic support they received this year in their run to the final of the Pfizer Kildare Senior Football Championship. It was very much appreciated.

 

Sean O'Sullivan

Sarsfields Senior Football Manager 2010

 

 

Hard Luck to our Senior Footballers in last Sunday’s County Final. They had a
great year and only lost one game in the championship and hopefully they can
go one step further next year. Thanks to the team, Manager Sean O'Sullivan, Selectors Martin McIntyre, Tom Cambell David Earley and all concerned and well done to Alan Smith who was the top Scorer in the Pfizer Kildare Senior Football Championship for 2010. Best Wishes toCaptain Gary Whitewho had to go off at half time and was brought to
hospital for observation and to Dermot Earley who is recovering from his cruciate ligament operation.

Best of luck to our Under 21 Footballers and Andrew Brennan, Shane Courtney
and Joe O'Malley in their game against Round Towers at home on Saturday at
2pm in the Championship First round.

 

 

For the latest Sash news photos, fixtures and match reports

www.sarsfieldsgaanewbridge.ie  and google Sarsfields GAA Facebook.

 

 

Sarsfields Fixtures.

 

U21 Championship Saturday October 23rd. Sarsfields v Round Towers at 2pm in Sarsfields Park.

 

 

2011 National League fixtures announced

 

The 2011 National Football and Hurling League fixtures have been announced.

The glamour meeting of newly-crowned All-Ireland champions Cork and Kerry will ensure a high-profile launch to the National Football League on Sunday, February 6.

The National Hurling League will also open with a mouth-watering fixture at Semple Stadium on Saturday, February 12 when Tipperary and Kilkenny meet in a repeat of the recent All-Ireland final. The National Football League actually starts on Saturday, February 5 when Armagh and Dublin meet in Division 1, and Laois face Meath, and Donegal square up to Sligo in Division 2.

Once again, a large number of games will be played under lights.

NFL Round 1

Sat Feb 5th: Division 1: Armagh v Dublin; Division 2, Laois v Meath, Donegal v Sligo

Sunday Feb 6 (2.30):
Div 1: Kerry v Cork, Monaghan v Galway, Mayo v Down.

Div 2: Antrim v Kildare, Derry v Tyrone.

Div 3: Offaly v Cavan, Wexford v Waterford, Louth v Westmeath, Tipperary v Limerick.

Div 4: London v Kilkenny, Leitrim v Clare, Longford v Roscommon, Carlow v Wicklow, Fermanagh Bye.

NHL Div 1 (Rd 1): Sat Feb 12th: Tipperary v Kilkenny, 7.30pm

Sun Feb 13th (2.30): Div 1: Galway v Wexford, Cork v Offaly, Waterford v Dublin.

Div 2 (Rd 1): Westmeath v Laois, Down v Carlow, Kerry v Antrim, Clare v Limerick.

NFL Div 4 (Rd 2): London v Roscommon, Clare v Kilkenny, Leitrim v Wicklow, Carlow v Fermanagh, Longford Bye.

NHL Div 3A (Rd 1) (2.30): Wicklow v Kildare, Derry v Armagh, London v Meath.

NHL Div 3B (Rd 1) (2.30): Fingal v Monaghan, Louth v Sligo, Mayo v Roscommon, Donegal Bye.
NHL Div 4 (Rd 1) (2.30): Longford v South Down, Cavan v Fermanagh, Tyrone V Leitrim

Sat Feb 19: NFL Div 1 (Rd 2) (7.30): Dublin v Cork.
NFL Div 2 (Rd 2) (7.30): Tyrone v Donegal.

NFL Div 4 (Rd 3) (7.30): Fermanagh v Longford.
NHL Div 1 (Rd 2) (5.45): Dublin v Tipperary.

Sun 20 Feb: NFL Div 1 (Rd 2) (2.30): Mayo v Kerry, Down v Galway, Armagh v Monaghan

NFL Div 2 (Rd 2) (2.30): Kildare v Derry, Meath v Sligo, Laois v Antrim

NFL Div 3 (Rd 2) (2.30): Waterford v Limerick, Westmeath v Cavan, Offaly v Wexford, Louth v Tipperary

NFL Div 4 (Rd 3) (2.30): Kilkenny v Leitrim, Roscommon v Carlow, Wicklow v London
Clare Bye

NHL Div 1 (Rd 2) (2.30) Offaly v Galway, Kilkenny v Cork, Wexford v Waterford

NHL 2 (Rd 2) (2.30) Laois v Carlow, Antrim v Clare, Kerry v Down, Limerick v Westmeath

NHL Div 3A (Rd 2) (2.30): Meath v Wicklow, Armagh v London, Kildare v Derry

NHL Div 3B (Rd 2) (2.30): Donegal v Roscommon, Louth v Monaghan, Mayo v Fingal.
Sligo Bye

NHL Div 4 (Rd 2) (2.30): South Down v Tyrone, Leitrim v Cavan, Fermanagh v Longford.

Sat 26 Feb: NFL Div 1 (Rd 3) (7.30): Down v Armagh, Dublin v Kerry.

NFL Div 2 (Rd 3) (7.30): Antrim v Meath

NFL Div 3 (Rd 3) (7.30): Limerick v Offaly

Sun 27 Feb:
NFL Div 1 (Rd 3) (2.30): Cork v Monaghan, Galway v Mayo.

NFL 2 (Rd 3) (2.30): Sligo v Tyrone, Donegal v Kildare, Derry v Laois

NFL Div 3 (Rd 3) (2.30): Wexford v Louth, Cavan v Waterford, Tipperary v Westmeath

NFL Div 4 (Rd 4) (2.30): Fermanagh v Wicklow, London v Leitrim, Longford v Kilkenny, Carlow v Clare
Roscommon Bye

Sat 5 March: NHL Div 1 (Rd 3): Tipperary v Waterford

Sun 6 March: NHL 1 (Rd 3) (2.30): Cork v Galway, Offaly v Dublin, Kilkenny v Wexford

NHL Div 2 (Rd 3) (2.30): Laois v Antrim, Westmeath v Clare, Down v Limerick, Carlow v Kerry

NHL Div 3A (Rd 3) (2.30): Armagh v Kildare, Derry v Meath, London v Wicklow

NHL Div 3B (Rd 3) (2.30): Monaghan v Donegal, Fingal v Louth, Roscommon v Sligo
Mayo Bye

NHL Div 4 (Rd 3) (2.30): Cavan v Tyrone, Leitrim v Longford, Fermanagh v South Down

Sat 12 March: NFL 1 (Rd 4) (7.30): Kerry v Galway

NFL Div 2 (Rd 4) (7.30): Tyrone v Antrim

NHL Div 2 (Rd 4) (7.30): Limerick v Laois

Sun 13 March:
NFL Div 1 (Rd 4) (2.30): Mayo v Armagh, Cork v Down, Monaghan v Dublin.

NFL Div 2 (Rd 4) (2.30): Meath v Donegal, Kildare v Laois, Sligo v Derry.

NFL Div 3 (Rd 4) (2.30): Louth v Offaly, Waterford v Tipperary, Limerick v Cavan, Westmeath v Wexford

NFL Div 4 (Rd 5) (2.30): Wicklow v Longford, Roscommon v Fermanagh, Kilkenny v Carlow, Clare v London
Leitrim Bye

NHL Div 1 (Rd 4) (2.30): Galway v Kilkenny, Tipperary v Offaly, Waterford v Cork, Wexford v Dublin

NHL Div 2 (Rd 4) (2.30): Antrim v Carlow, Kerry v Westmeath, Clare v Down

NHL Div 3A (Rd 4) (2.30): Wicklow v Derry, Meath v Armagh, Kildare v London

NHL Div 3B (Rd 4) (2.30): Donegal v Fingal, Sligo v Monaghan, Louth v Mayo
Roscommon Bye

NHL Div 4 (Rd 4) (2.30): South Down v Leitrim, Longford v Cavan, Tyrone v Fermanagh.

Sat March 19:
NFL Div 1 (Rd 5) (7.30): Down v Monaghan

NFL Div 2 (Rd 5) (7.30): Derry v Donegal, Laois v Tyrone

Sunday March 20
NFL Div 1 (Rd 5) (2.30): Galway v Cork, Armagh v Kerry, Dublin v Mayo

NFL Div 2 (Rd 5) (2.30): Kildare v Meath, Antrim v Sligo

NFL Div 3 (Rd 5) (2.30): Louth v Limerick, Westmeath v Waterford, Offaly v Tipperary, Wexford v Cavan

NFL Div 4 (Rd 6) (2.30): Clare v Roscommon, Leitrim v Fermanagh, London v Longford, Kilkenny v Wicklow
Carlow Bye

Sunday March 27
NFL Div 4 (Rd 7) (2.30): Wicklow v Roscommon, Leitrim v Carlow, Clare v Longford, Kilkenny v Fermanagh
London Bye

NHL Div 1 (Rd 5) (2.30): Cork v Tipperary, Dublin v Galway, Offaly v Wexford, Kilkenny v Waterford

NHL Div 2 (Rd 5) (2.30): Westmeath v Antrim, Down v Laois, Carlow v Limerick, Clare v Kerry

NHL Div 3A (Rd 5) (2.30): Derry v London, Armagh v Wicklow, Kildare v Meath

NHL Div 3B (Rd 5) 2:30: Monaghan v Roscommon, Fingal v Sligo, Mayo v Donegal
Louth Bye

NHL Div 4 (Rd 5) 2.30: Leitrim v Fermanagh, Cavan v South Down, Tyrone v Longford

Saturday April 2
NFL Div 1 (Rd 6) 7.30: Dublin v Down

NFL Div 3 (Rd 6) (7.30): Cavan v Louth

NHL Div 2 (Rd 6) (7.30): Laois v Clare

Sunday April 3
NFL Div 1 (Rd 6) (2.30): Monaghan v Kerry, Mayo v Cork, Armagh v Galway

NFL Div 2 (Rd 6) (2.30): Donegal v Antrim, Tyrone v Kildare, Derry v Meath, Sligo v Laois

NFL Div 3 (Rd 6) (2.30): Limerick v Westmeath, Waterford v Offaly, Tipperary v Wexford

NFL Div 4 (Rd 8) (2.30): Longford v Leitrim, Roscommon v Kilkenny, Carlow v London, Fermanagh v Clare
Wicklow Bye

NHL Div 1 (Rd 6) (2.30): Galway v Tipperary, Offaly v Waterford, Wexford v Cork, Dublin v Kilkenny

NHL Div 2 (Rd 6)(2.30): Down v Antrim, Carlow v Westmeath, Limerick v Kerry
NHL Div 3B (Rd 6) (2.30): Donegal v Louth, Sligo v Mayo, Roscommon v Fingal
Monaghan Bye

Sunday April 10
NFL Div 1 (Rd 7) (2.30): Monaghan v Mayo, Kerry v Down, Galway v Dublin, Cork v Armagh

NFL Div 2 (Rd 7) (2.30): Antrim v Derry, Laois v Donegal, Kildare v Sligo, Meath v Tyrone

NFL Div 3 (Rd 7) (2.30): Westmeath v Offaly, Waterford v Louth, Limerick v Wexford, Cavan v Tipperary

NFL Div 4 (Rd 9) (2.30): Roscommon v Leitrim, Wicklow v Clare, Longford v Carlow, Fermanagh v London
Kilkenny Bye

NHL Div 3B (Rd 7) (2.30): Monaghan v Mayo, Sligo v Donegal, Roscommon v Louth
Fingal Bye
Sunday April 17
NHL Div 1, (Rd 7) (2.30): Cork v Dublin, Tipperary v Wexford, Waterford v Galway, Kilkenny v Offaly

NHL Div 2 (Rd 7) (2.30): Westmeath v Down, Antrim v Limerick, Kerry v Laois, Clare v Carlow.



 

 

 

 

 

 

Underage News. 

 

 

Thanks to Aoife Whelan, Paul English, Roisin Byrne and Claire Fox who coached the Girls academy last Saturday. Roisin Byrne to the Girls academy on a full time basis.  With over 20 girls in attendance and with the excellent support of Roisin and Claire, Aoife was able to commence the long road to bringing this group to competitive football. In the U13A Ladies Division   Sarsfields  5-9 to 2-2 win over Kildangan/Nurney.   Mark Coffey and Paul Kenny have been appointed the U5 coaching team. Both Mark and Paul will be supporting Enda and Michael as this team advances into next years U6 squad. However this team requires more coaches, so please follow Mark and Pauls lead and volunteer to join this team. While the U5’s will form next years U6’s this leaves Robbie Byrne to take responsibility of next years U5’s. Robbie brings a wealth of experience having recently retired from Senior football playing in Dublin. However Robbie will require 4 to 5 parents/coaches to start developing this new intake. The shop has been restocked and parents are encouraged to purchase the Sarsfields gear for their children, are requested  to wear it to all training sessions and matches especially for Sunday’s County Final. The Sarsfields underage  academy provides complimentary tea & coffee in the club every Saturday. There will be a coaching course in Rathcoffey GAA club in October for  mentors of U13 teams and younger who   already have a foundation level course completed. Places are limited to 24 people and there will be a charge of €50 per person. If Interested Contact John Holden  on 087 2872208. For the month of September U13 Hurling training is on Thursdays at 6.00pm and Saturdays at 11.30am. New members always welcome.  For more information contact Kieran Galvin 087 7427549.

 

 

 

 

Club Membership Discount Scheme

 

Sarsfields members can avail of a 10% discount when they show their membership cards while shopping at the following businesses that are participants of the Club Membership Discount Card Scheme.

Acupuncture and Sports Therapy – Gerry Loftus 16 lower Eyre Street.

Amazon Beauty Salon, Ballymany Shopping Centre, Newbridge

An Chistin Restaurant, George’s St, Newbridge

Attic Storage, Industrial Estate, Newbridge.

Biodental Dental Laboratory, Middle Eyre Street

Blooms Florist, Henry Street , Newbridger

Champions Sports, Whitewater, Shopping Centre

Chat & Chew , Café Edward St. Newbridge.

Chicken America Restaurant, Edward St Newbridge.

Clarke’s Menswear, Edward St, Newbridge

Cosgorve’s Pharmacy., Edward Sy Newbridge.

Curraghr Race Course.

Ecocraft, Environmental Building, Clongorey, Newbridge.

Edward Harrigans, pub and Restaurant. Main Street.

Enigma Design Homeware & Gifts, Tarmel Centre

Fallons Bar & Café Main Street, Kilcullen

Farrell & Nephew Gift & Bookshop, Main Street, Newbridge.

Fitzsimons Finance, Cutlery Road, Newbridge.

Hokey Pokey Café, Charlotte Street, Newbridge.

Jardin Royale , Chinese Restaurant, Main Street, Newbridge

Jean’s Jewellers  & Giftware, Henry Stret.

Joe Kelly Barber, George’s Street.

Kildare Tyres & Batteries, Cutlery Road, Newbridge.

LHW Insurances Group, 57/58/George’s Street Dun Laoghaire.

Lilywhite Print, Eyre Street, Newbridge.

Maginn Electrical, Curragh Camp.

Marty’s Cabs, Main Street Newbridge.

Michael Murphy Furniture, Edward Street, Newbridge.

Moores Builders Providers, Cutlery Road.

Newbridge Hire Service, Newbridge Industrial Estate.

Newbridge Van Rental, Newhall, Naas.

Newbridge Nutrition, Eyre Street.

O’Leary Shoes, Dunnes Stores, Newbridge

O’Reilly Pharmacy, Curragh Grange, Newbridge.

Owen Baker, Menswear, Charlotte Street, Newbridge.

Paul’s Riverside Restaurant, Market Square, Kilcullen.

Red Lane Driving Range, Red Lane , Newbridge.

Reflections Boutique, Moorefield Road, Newbridge.

Riozzi’s Take Away, Eyre Street.

Robbie’s Butchers, Highfield, Newbridge.

Sheehy Motors, Newbridge Road, Naas.

Stevenson’s Home Décor, Ballymany Shoppinf Centre, Newbridge.

Swift’s Bar  and Restaurant, Main Street, Newbridge.

Tarmel Laundry & Dry Cleaners, Cutlery Road, Newbridge.

The Fabric Library, Kildaara Industrial Estate, Newbridge.

The Good Food Gallery, Carnalway, Kilcullen.

The Kiosk Florists, Main Street, Newbridge.

Tom Malone Butchers, Charlotte Street, Newbridge

Top Twenty, Dunnes Stores Shopping Centre.

WE Fit Tyre & Exhaust Centre, Newbridge Industrial Estate.

Whitewater Café Club, Edward Street, Newbridge.

Whyte Melia Electrical, 882, Piercetown, Newbridge.

Sasrsfields On Facebook 

Sarsfields now have 560 Fans on Facebook.

Sarsfields now has a Facebook Page where all sections can now post information directly relating to games, results events and photos etc. In addition there is a discussion forum. Link to Sarsfields  Facebook page can be found by scrolling down the home page of the Sarsfields website or by Googling Sarsfields GAA Facebook. More Stupid Quotes.

 

'Make no mistake. Canada is not a bilingual country. In fact
it is less bilingual today than it has ever been.'
- Canadian PM Stephan Harper
  

 

 

True Story 

 

 IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT  REPORTER 
   
 
The following are from a book  called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually  said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court  reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges  were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said  to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I,  Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:      My name is  Susan!

 

ATTORNEY:   What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks

ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No , I just lie  there.

 

ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect  your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You  forget?  Can you give us an example of something you  forgot?

 

ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:   Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do..
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo.

 

 

ATTORNEY:   Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep ,  he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 

ATTORNEY:  The  youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS:       He's 20, much like your  IQ.

 

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you having me on?

 

ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     What do you imagine I was doing?

 

ATTORNEY:   She had three children, right?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:   None.
ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new  attorney?

 

ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:      By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.

 

ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was  about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male  or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

 

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which  I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY:   Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead  people?
WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

 

ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:      Oral...

 

ATTORNEY:   Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I  finished.

 

ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:      Are you qualified to ask that question?

 

And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,  did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:      No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a  jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

 Thanks to Leo Kennedy for the above

 

Humour

Mexican Cyclist

A man on a bike, carrying two saddlebags, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border.  He had rigged up a primitive rope bridge to by-pass the customs control.

'What's in the bags? demanded the guard.
'Sand,' the cyclist answered.
'Take them off. I need to take a look.' retorted the guard.

The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in Tijuana.

'Hey, where have you been?' the guard enquired. 'You sure had us wondering. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?'

The man smiled broadly and told him the truth, 'Bicycles!'

 

Phone for help

One March evening, the boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

'Hello.'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes, 'whispered the small voice.

'May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No.'

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'

'Yes.'

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes, 'whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, 'came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A hello-copper' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, 'The search team just landed the hello-copper.'

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: 'ME.'

 

 

Legal but not Logical!

 A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.


Student: 'Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?'

Professor: 'Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?'

Student: 'OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an 'A'.

Professor: 'Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?'

Student: 'What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? '

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an 'A' as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: 'What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? '


To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.


'All right' says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer


'It's quite easy, sir' says the student 'You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an 'A', which is neither legal, nor logical.'

 

The Scouser and the Memory Man

 

A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. He's staying in a remote
frontier type town and walks into a bar .


He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native
American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress,
tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying
'Ask me anything'


The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him.


'Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything.' says the barman.


'What do you mean he knows everything?' asks the scouser.


'Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets
anything'


'Yeah  right ' says the scouser.


'If you don't believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he'll know
the answer'


'Alright' says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man.


'Where am I from?'


'Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ' says the Red Indian. And he was
right.


'Alright' says the scouser, 'that was easy you probably recognised my

accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

' Liverpool ' says the memory man quick as a flash.


'Yes and who did they play?'


'Leeds United' again without blinking


'And the score?'


'2-1' says the memory man without hesitation.


'Pretty good,but I bet you don't know who scored the winning goal?'


'Ian St John' says the Indian in an instant.


Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to
Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just
can't get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him
again and pay him his due respect .


He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has
saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory
man.


He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying
virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave
in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still
resplendent in his warpaint and full regalia.


The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in
the traditional manner..


'How'.


The memory man squints at the scouser.


'Flying header in the six yard box.'

 

Thanks to Leo for the above couple

 

Different Perspective
A British Army Colonel was walking down Oxford Street in London, when he saw a man with no arms and no legs sitting on the pavement playing a mouth organ.

A sign beside the chap read, 'Victim of the Falklands War. '
'I say how disgraceful, eh? 'said the colonel, 'the way the country treats its veterans. 'So saying, he pulled out his wallet and peeled off two fifty pound notes and dropped them in the ex-soldier's hat.

The veteran looked up and said, 'Muchas gracias, senor.'

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