THE SASH Thursday April 1st 2010

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.     

Leinster GAA News
 
Anthony Tohill unveiled as new Irish International Rules Manager

Anthony Tohill has been confirmed as the Irish International Rules Manager for the 2010 and 2011 seasons.

The 1993 Derry All-Ireland winning midfielder, has had a lengthy involvement with the cross code both as a player and as a backroom team member and he will lead Ireland’s defence of the Cormac McAnallen Trophy later this year.

The 38 year old four time All-Star played for Ireland on eight occasions before retiring from the inter-county scene in 2003.

The Swatragh clubman, who spent a period in Melbourne in the early 1990s playing AFL, was asked by his predecessor Seán Boylan to serve as a selector for 2006 series and toured with the successful team of 2008.

The new Ireland management team also includes Eoin Liston (Kerry), Kevin O’Brien (Wicklow) and Seán Óg de Paor (Galway), all of whom represented Ireland against Australia.

Ireland host Australia at Páirc na nGael, Limerick on Saturday October 23 and at Croke Park a week later, looking to retain the title which they won in Australia in 2008 when the series was last played.

Uachtarán Chumann Lúthchleas Criostóir Ó Cuana confirmed the new managerial line up and wished its members and the team every success in next Autumn’s series.

He said: ‘It gives me great pleasure to confirm that Anthony Tohill will lead the Irish International Rules challenge for 2010 and 2011.

‘Few men are as indelibly linked to the series and memorable encounters with the Australians than Anthony and if he shows the same traits of leadership in management that he did as a player we will be well served.

‘I am delighted with the calibre of selectors that he has chosen to serve alongside him and I have no doubt that they will inspire those players lucky enough to be selected for the panel by passing on their knowledge and passion for representing Ireland in the series.

‘The return of the series is a most welcome development and I know Limerick is hugely enthused about the prospect of hosting an Irish international team at Páirc na nGael. These games have attracted huge crowds in the past and we are looking forward to similarly strong support for the 2010 series later in the year.’

 2009 Junior Hurling League Final

Sarsfields 3-09 Kilcock 2-11

Sarsfields Junior Hurlers have completed the League and Championship double for the 2009 season with a one point win over Kilcock in the delayed league final that was played in Donore on Sunday last 21^st March. The game was full of excitement from start to finish with never more than one score between the sides at any stage. An under strength Sarsfields team had a somewhat unfamiliar look about it but the importance of having a committed panel shone through and as each and every player played a vital role in this hard earned victory. In an end to end first half early season rustiness was evident as both sides missed scoring opportunities but despite the concession of an early goal Sarsfields led at half time by a single point, helped by a goal of their own from corner forward Liam O’Dwyer. The second half began with a second Kilcock goal but the Sarsfields boys displayed their never say die attitude and battled hard to force the game into extra time, thanks to the free taking of Olan O’Mahony and another Liam O’Dwyer goal and a point from the same player. By half time of extra time the game seemed to be drifting away from the newly crowned county champions but a number of positional switches played dividends. Dermot Maguire and Olan O’Mahony began to win a lot of ball in the middle third and with the ball raining in on the Kilcock goal the pressure finally paid off when with little over a minute remaining on the clock substitute Gary Breslin pounced on a loose ball and buried it to the net to give Sarsfields a one point lead. The excitement didn’t end there. Kilcock managed an equaliser straight from the puck out and a replay seemed on the cards. But with seconds left David Breslin forced his way through the Kilcock defence to slot over the winning point.

This victory should give the Sarsfields boys the confidence they require as they ply their trade in the upcoming intermediate league and championship.

Best for Sarsfields on the day were Dane Barrett, Denis O’Callaghan, Olan O’Mahony, Mick Ahearne and Liam O’Dwyer but to be fair each and every player played their part in this historic victory.

Team; Dermot Maguire, Dane Barrett, Denis O’Callaghan, Conor O’Dwyer, Keith Walsh, Frank Maguire(Captain), David Breslin, John Joyce, Olan O’Mahony, Ciaran Lynch, Mick Ahearne, Kevin Millar, John Moran, Alan Kelly and Liam O’Dwyer.

Subs used; Gary Hogan, Niall O’Connor and Gary Breslin

U16 Football League Div 2: Sarsfields 2-10 Two Mile House 2-7

By Liam Moore

Sarsfields just about deserved the points in this division 2-league game played at Sarsfields Park on Saturday evening.

Sarsfields started strongly and scored six unanswered points through Rob Jacob, Kevin Lynch (0-2), Aaron Murphy, Ronan Fitzgibbon and Pierre Gorecki. Adam Burke reduced the deficit for Two Mile House but the Sash replied with further scores from Ronan Fitzgibbon and Diarmuid Hartley. Two Mile House scored three unanswered points through Chris Healy (0-2) and Mark Sherry to leave the half time score 0-8 to 0-4 in favour of Sarsfields.

Sarsfields scored 1-1 in the second half through Niall McGivern (0-1) and Robbie Jacob (1-0) before Two Mile house replied with similar scores through Chris Healy (1-1). Jetmuir Haliti got a second goal for Sarsfields to put the Sash in what seemed a commanding position. However Two Mile House replied with a speculative goal from Chris Healy. The same player added two further points to leave just two between the teams. However, Sarsfields ended the game with a point from Pierre Gorecki to take the two points on a score line of 2- 10 to 2-7.

Sarsfields: Danny Murphy, David Barrett, Kevin Scully, Eoin Gafney (T.J. Carroll), Owen Whelan, Eoin Murphy, Diermuid Hartley(0-1), Danny Lawless, Pierre Gorecti(0-2), Niall McGivern(0-1), Ronan Fitzgibbon(0-2), Aaron Murphy (0-1), Rob Jacob(1-1), Jetmuir Haliti (1-0), Kevin Lynch(0-2).

Two Mile House: Scores; Chris Healy 2-4, Mark Sherry 0-1, Chris Julian 0-1, Adam Burke 0-1.

U14 Féile (football) Quarter Final.

SARSFIELDS 1-16    CELBRIDGE 2-6

Sarsfields defeated Celbridge in a pulsating Féile football quarter final, played at Sarsfields Park on Sunday morning.

Dominating the early exchanges, the Sash had four points on the board through Niall Manning (0-2) and one each from Conor Whelan and Cian Scanlon before Celbridge registered their first score through Niall Kenny. Conor Whelan and Niall Ruddy exchanged points before Celbridge levelled the match when John Costello goaled from a penalty. However, Sarsfields replied with an outstanding goal when Dylan Burke finished off a sweeping move, after some excellent play from Cian McConnell and Alan Scully. Sean Dempsey added a long-range point to put four between the sides. However, the game was levelled for the second time with a goal and a point from Celbridge, John Costello again getting the goal while Niall Ruddy accounted for the point. Cian Scanlon restored Sarsfields advantage with the last score of the half, leaving the Sash ahead 1-7 to 2-3 at half time.

Sarsfields shaded the early exchanges in the second half but a combination of poor shooting and outstanding goalkeeping by Robert Taylor in the Celbridge goals ensured the Sash did not transfer possession into scores. However, they did get the first two scores through Cian Byrne and Conor Whelan. Celbridge cancelled this advantage with points from Conor Devlin and Niall Ruddy.

Going into the final quarter there was just the minimum between the teams and an anxious Sash contingent was relieved when their forwards finally found their range and scored five unanswered points through Cian Byrne, Ben McCormack, Cian Scanlon, Conor Delahunty and Christopher Ward. Jack Bayly Got the last score of the game for Celbridge but it was too little too late to prevent Sarsfields progressing to the semi final on a score line of 1-14 to 2-6.Best for Sarsfields, in a good team performance, were Cian McConnell, Alan Scully, Tom Aspell, Cian Scanlon. For Celbridge Rob Taylor was outstanding in goals. Michael Gallagher, Jack Bayly and Niall Ruddy also impressed.

Sarsfields: Rob Abbott, Ciaran Maher, Con Kavanagh, Tom Aspell, Ryan Brady ( Cian Byrne (0-2)), Sean Dempsey(0-1), Sean O Donovan, Cian McConnell, Alan Scully, Con Whelan (0-3), Ben McCormack (0-1), Niall Manning (0-2), Cian Scanlon (0-3), Conor Delahunty (0-1), Dylan Burke (1-0) (Christopher Ward (0-1).

Celbridge:Rob Taylor, Owen Condon, Sean O Toole, Adam McKay, Dara Redmond, Anthony Byrne, Michael Gallagher, Conor Devlin(0-1), Niall Kenny(0-1), Ciaran Berry, John Costello (2-0),Niall Ruddy (0-3), Jack Bayly(0-1), Patrick Naughton, Alex Meehan.

Sarsfields girls ‘A’ panel were drawn in a group against Clane and the combined Kilcullen/Athgarvan team. Clane failed to turn up so a straight group decider between the other two teams ensued.


Sarsfields ‘A’ 6-9 Kilcullen/Athgarvan 0-0


Straight from the off Laura Scales pointed for the first score of the match. Fiona Nevin intercepted the resulting kick out and slotted the ball into the net for the first goal of the game. Kilcullen/Athgarvan formed a better counter-attack but were usurped by Lauren Mullane in defence who found team mate Emily Aulsberry in midfield, Emily carried the ball forward before setting up Laura for another score. Rebecca Houlihan won the ball in midfield and coolly put it over the bar. The next score was set up by Ciara Morris in the half-forward line who lost her marker ran goalwards, laid the ball off to Shauna Kendrick who swiftly set up Orlagh Judge for a point. After more pressure on the opposition Sarsfields won a free Shauna lined up to point it but quickly seeing Rebecca Houlihan in a more advantageous position set her up for the score. Half back Danielle Clerkin put pressure on the midfield, taking advantage of a loose ball she whacked it goalwards for Laura Scales to turn it into the net. Few balls reached the Sarsfields defensive half but a Kilcullen/Athgarvan ’45 saw an alert backline of Emma Lyons, Lauren Mullane and Sarah Breslin snuff it out.


The second half gave Sarsfields a chance to play all their subs and see different players work in alien positions. Jessica Turner was chomping at the bit and was soon on the score sheet with a goal and a point. Orla Begley had a dominant second half in defence, as well as Emma Lyons. Great scores were taken in this half by Orlagh Judge, Shauna Kendrick and Laura Scales.

Sash Notes

Congratulations to the Junior hurlers who made it a Championship and League double when they beat Kilcock on Sunday week last in the 2009 League final after a dramatic last minute goal by Gary Breslin.

In the opening round of the SFL on Sunday the seniors lost to St. Kevin’s 1-8 to 1-6.   Welcome back to Alan Smith who played his first game this year when he lined out against St. Kevins on Sunday. He scored an excellent point and was unlucky not to score a goal. Outstanding for Sarsfields were Sean Cambell and Enda Freaney. The senior B team lost to Rathcoffey  1-14 to 0-10. The minors had a three point win over Moorefield 1-7 to 0-7 in Moorefield on Sunday morning. The U16 footballers also had a three point win over Two Mile House, 2-10 to 2-7.

Congratulations to both Boys and Girls Feíle teams who have qualified for the semi finals of the competition. The Girls had a comprehensive 6-9 to 0-0 victory over Kilcullen/Athgarvan  on Saturday with some great scores  by Orlagh Judge, Shauna Kendrick and Laura Scales while the Boys followed  on Sunday with a 1-14 to 2-6 win over Celbridge in the quarter final. Best for Sarsfields, in a good all round team performance, were Cian McConnell, Alan Scully, Tom Aspell, Cian Scanlon.   Sarsfields under 9 tigers made it a double for the Sash when they beat Celbridge 10 – 9 There were impressive performances from Liam O’Donnell (3pts) Jack Keogh (3pts) Jamie Lyons (3pts) Patrick Kelly (1pt)  Conor Montique, Conor Larkin, Adam O’Connor, Niall Clancy while Brian Leavy made a few great saves in goal. The Sash U9 lions beat Carbury with good performances from Ben Scanlon, Shane Walsh, David Higgins, Cian McHugh, Oisin Priestly with Aaron Power making two great saves.

The Sarsfields senior players have organised a table Quiz in the clubhouse on Holy Thursday April 1^st at 8.30pm^. Table of four is €30.

Sarsfields adult Camogie training every  Monday and Thursday at 7pm. Outdoor training for underage Camogie and Hurlers resumed last Thursday and continues every Thursday from  6PM till 7pm . The Kildare Camogie Board will be running an Easter camp in the club from Tuesday 30th March to Thursday 1st April from 10.30am to 1.30pm at a cost of €30. Further details are available from Paula Earley on 087 2963212 or Aileen O’Callaghan.

The new fence at the top is pitch 2 is nearly complete with. Thanks to Billy McDonnell, Paschal Murray, Brian Dempsey, Barney Breslin, Pauric Moran, Tom Whelan and Ken Buckley for their labour.

Saturday morning Underage training returned on Saturday last the 6th of March, at 11.15am for the following age groups: Kindergarten – 4/5/6 yr. Olds. Kindergarten Hurling, Boys Under 7’s, Boys Under 8’s, Boys Under 9’s, Girls Under 8’s and Girls Under 9’s. New members are very welcome If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact the Juvenile chairperson, Stephen Murphy, on 087 2840877.
              Lottto results for Monday March 22^nd. No Jackpot Winner. €100: Brian Smith. €40 each: Seamus O’Neill, John Quinn, Anne O’Connor €25: Marie Murray Lotto value €12,000 Numbers drawn: 

If any persons in the club have First Aid experience please contact The Club
Health and Safety Officer Vincent Miller 087 7998433. If anyone has any  photos of Sarsfields Championship winning teams  from any era please contact Eric Thorpe on 086-1272953 as some teams are missing from the collection of winning Championship teams in the club bar. All originals will be returned after copying.

             If any club member wishes to use the Club Gym please contact Secretary John Holden 087 2872208. to obtain a Gym Fob ( once off cost of €10 ). All team managers are asked to send on preferred training times to club secretary for the coming season as the training pitch roster is being finalised shortly. For any issues relating to health and safety please contact The Club Health and Safety Officer Vincent Miller 087 7998433. 

To book the main function room for weddings, parties etc contact the Clubhouse on 432218 or Bar Manager Celine Browne on 087-7934780. Sarsfields resident chef will be happy to discuss menu options for your function.

Logon on to Sarsfields Website www.sarsfieldsgaanewbridge.ie or simply type Sarsfields GAA Newbridge into the Google or Yahoo search engines for all the latest Sash news, weekly Newsletter, fixtures, match reports and lotto

Sarsfields Fixtures this week. 

Thursday 1^st April

Minor Football League Division 1

Clane  v  Sarsfields    at 6.30pm

Friday 2^nd April

U16 Football League Div 2   at 6.30pm

Round Towers v Sarsfields      

Saturday  3^rd April 

Under 16 Girls Football League

Sarsfields v Eadestown at 11 am

Leinster Leader Senior Football League Division 1

Athy  v  Sarsfields at  4pm

Hazel Hotel Senior Football League

Division 3

Sarsfields (2)  v  Ardclough at 6pm

Sasrsfields On Facebook 

Sarsfields now has a Facebook Page where all sections can now post information directly relating to games, results events and photos etc. In addition there is a discussion forum. Link to Sarsfields  Facebook page can be found by scrolling down the home page of the Sarsfields website.

Kildare’s Leinster Senior, and Minor Fixtures for 2010

 Leinster Senior football Championship.

 Remaining  fixtures: NFL Division 2:  Rnd 7: Sunday, April 11, Meath -v- Kildare.

NHLRnd 5: Sunday, March 28, Wexford -v- Kildare; Rnd 6: Sunday, April 4, Kildare -v- Carlow; Rnd 7: Sunday, April 18, Kildare -v- Clare.

 
 
 
  Underage Camogie & Hurling Training.
 
 All Outdoor Underage Hurling & Camogie training starts back in Sarsfields on Thursday 25th of March from 6pm to 7pm.
 
For  U8, U10, U12 & U14. Boys & Girls.

For more information contact Denise McGann on – 087-2873096

Support The Sash with Vodafone

Sign up to the Vodafone Support Your GAA Club programme to donate 5% of
your Pay Monthly bill or Top Up to Sarsfields – without it costing you a
single cent! Contact Shane Campbell or visit the Vodafone web site.

More Stupid Quotes.  

‘I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it
was deep in the way that it was very light. I think
lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true
lightness.’
– Alicia Silverstone 

‘I hope my child will be a good Catholic like me.’
– Madonna 

‘I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.’
– Tara Reid

‘If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you
have to let them do it.’
– Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company

Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News. 

Firefighters said a nest built by rodents on
part of a pickup truck’s engine heated up and started a fire
under the hood as the driver pulled into a parking lot.
Ossipee Fire Chief Mike Brownell said a woman was driving
the pickup Wednesday morning. It hadn’t been driven in a
while. WMWV-FM radio reported police and workers in a garage
used fire extinguishers to put the fire out. No one was
hurt. Brownell said the nest was built on top of the pickup’s
engine manifold.

Police in Connecticut say they had ample
warning of a bank robbery because the two suspects called
the bank ahead of time and told an employee to get a bag of
money ready.

Police arrested 27-year-old Albert Bailey and an
unidentified 16-year-old boy on robbery and threatening
charges Tuesday afternoon at a People’s United Bank branch
in Fairfield.

Sgt. James Perez says the two Bridgeport residents showed up
about 10 minutes after making the call and were met by
police in the parking lot. Perez told the Connecticut Post
the suspects were ‘not too bright.’

True Story.  

A Stamp Of Their Own

The Pacific island of Tonga once issued a stamp that was
banana shaped.  
 
 
Over the years, philatelists have plundered attics, auctions
and antique stores, seeking those elusive and unique stamps
that appeared, disappeared, and in some cases became
invaluable treasures, although not always in the monetary
sense.

Shapes were a popular way to well…put a personality stamp
of their own, on a country’s postage. The country of Tonga
for example, once issued a stamp shaped like a banana, one
of their chief products. While there was more appeal to it
than Bhutan’s, that stamp was more entertaining. It was a
miniature record that when played, was a rendition of the
Bhutan national anthem. But it was Australia that would come
up with a real gem. Or actually, several of them. Not only
were a special series of stamps the shape of traditional gem
cuts, a special technology gave them the same gleam and
iridescence, as seen in the glowing opal.

On the other hand, there is the famous Penny Black of
England, a plain black stamp with a white silhouette of the
young Queen Victoria, issued in 1840. This is often touted
as priceless relic, but in reality, is worth only about
$1,000 for the very finest specimens, since more than 68
million were issued.

Soon, even the post office would catch on to the marketing
hype and begin issuing stamps for special occasions, such as
Austria who printed the first stamp specifically for
Christmas greeting cards, in 1937.

True Story 2

SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN!

Oh, there’s MUCH more to know about Sheriff Joe!

Maricopa County was spending approximately $18 million a year
 on stray animals, like cats and dogs..  Sheriff Joe offered to take the department over, and the County Supervisors approved.

The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners.  They feed and care for the strays.  Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice daily.  He now has prisoners who are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They give great classes for anyone who would like to adopt an animal.  He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and had them place in dog shows.

The best part?  His budget for the entire department is now under $3 million. Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter two years ago. He was neutered, and current on all shots, in great health, and even had a microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78..

The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but
 most would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day.  Most of his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc.  He pays the prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals.

I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the way he runs his jail system, and copy some of his ideas.  He has a huge farm, donated to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and harvesting by hand.

He has a pretty good-sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer.  It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work, and you can buy a living Christmas tree for $6-$8 for the Holidays, and plant it later.  We have six trees in our yard from the Prison.

Yup, he was re-elected last year with 83% of the vote..  Now he’s in trouble with the ACLU again..  He painted all
 his buses and vehicles with a mural, that has a special hotline phone number painted on it, where you can call and report suspected illegal aliens.  Immigrations and Customs Enforcement wasn’t doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40 deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his hotline, and bought four new buses just for hauling folks back to the border.  He’s kind of a ‘Git-R Dun’ kind of Sheriff.

TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO:  HE IS THE MARICOPA COUNTY , ARIZONA SHERIFF AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER.  THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona ), who created the ‘Tent City Jail,’ has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails, took away their weights, and cut off all but ‘G’ movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on
 county and city projects.

Then He Started Chain Gangs For Women So He Wouldn’t Get Sued For Discrimination.

He took away cable TV Until he found out there was A Federal Court Order that Required Cable TV For Jails.  So He Hooked Up The Cable TV Again Only Let In The Disney Channel And The Weather Channel..

When asked why the weather channel, He Replied ‘So They Will Know How Hot It’s Gonna Be While They Are Working
On My Chain Gangs.’

He Cut Off Coffee Since It Has Zero Nutritional Value.

When the inmates complained, he told them, ‘This Isn’t The Ritz-Carlton . . . If You Don’t Like It, Don’t Come Back.’


More On The Arizona Sheriff:

With Temperatures Being Even Hotter Than Usual In Phoenix (116 Degrees Just Set A New Record), the Associated Press Reports:  About 2,000 Inmates Living In A Barbed-Wire-Surrounded Tent Encampment At The Maricopa County Jail Have Been Given Permission
 To Strip Down To Their Government-Issued Pink Boxer Shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 Degrees Inside The Week Before.

Many Were Also Swathed In Wet, Pink Towels As Sweat Collected On Their Chests And Dripped Down To Their PINK SOCKS.

‘It Feels Like We Are In A Furnace,’ Said James Zanzot, An Inmate Who Has Lived In The TENTS for 1 year.  ‘It’s Inhumane.’

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic.  He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates:  ‘It’s 120 Degrees In Iraq And Our Soldiers Are Living In Tents Too, And They Have To Wear Full Battle Gear, But They Didn’t Commit Any Crimes, So Shut Your Mouths!’
 

Humour.    

Golfing Lesson

A young man was about to play golf when an old gentleman
shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany him.

Eventually on the 9th fairway the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree directly
between his ball and the green.

The old man said, ‘You know, when I was your age I’d hit the
ball right over that tree.’

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung
hard and hit the ball, which smacked solidly into the tree
and dropped to the ground about one foot from where it had
started.

The old man remarked, ‘Of course, when I was your age that
tree was only 3 feet tall.’

Ticket to Ride . . . a Bicycle

‘What am I supposed to do with this?’ grumbled a motorist as
the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

‘Keep it,’ the cop said. ‘When you collect four of them, you
get a bicycle.’ 

PROOF THAT MEN MAKE BETTER FRIENDS:

A women
didn’t come home one night. Next day she told her husband she’d slept at
 her friends house. Husband calls her 10 best friends. None of them know
 anything about it. The husband didn’t come home the night after. He
tells his wife he stayed in a mates house. She calls his 10 best friends
 and 8 confirm he stayed there and the other 2 say he’s still there!!!    
Thanks to Leo

Thick as a Brick

A group of people were touring a university campus and they
noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing
the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

‘What are they doing?’ a woman asked the tour guide.

‘Each year,’ he replied with a grin, ‘The upperclassmen ask
the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this
courtyard.’

When we were out of earshot of the freshmen, the woman asked
the guide: ‘So what’s the answer?’

The guide replied: ‘One.’

Lawyer Jokes 

Lawyers are often the butt of jokes throughout the world. Here are some splendid examples, taken from stenographer’s transcripts of real court cases.

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: … any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A: Fowler
Q: What’s his first name?
A: I can’t remember.
Q: He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Fowler). Derek, for goodness sake, tell them your first name.

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn’t offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: What is your name?
A: Geraldine McNally
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I’m divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn’t know about.


Q: Mrs. Warren, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your solicitor?
A: No. This is how I always dress when I go to work.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.

Q: …and what did he do then?
A: He came home and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Now, Mrs Brown, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog’s wife.
Q: I understand you’re Donald Rowbotham’s mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

E-mail from Hell

A  Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years  earlier. 

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left  Glasgow  and flew to  Barcelona  on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. 

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. 

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. 

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: 

To: My Loving Wife 
Subject: I’ve Arrived 
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. 

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that 
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. 

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. 

P.S. F***ing hot down here!