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Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Thursday January 18th 2012 

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club. 

 

 

Kildare v Dublin LIVE on TG4

TG4’s first live GAA match of 2012 see’s All-Ireland Champions Dublin take on neighbours Kildare in the Bord na Móna O’Byrne Cup Semi-final. Live coverage from Newbridge begins on TG4 at 1:45pm. GAA Beo will be presented by Micheál Ó Domhnaill with commentary and analysis by David Henry, Tomás Ó Flatharta and Brian Tyers.

 

Sarsfields trip to Croke Park and Dermot Earley Exhibition

 

On Saturday Feburary 25th the club is organising a trip to Croke Park to visit the Dermot Earley Exhibition and take in the Croke Park Tour. Admission is €11 for adults, €8.50 for students and €7.50 for pensioners and children.  For more information contact PRO Tony Ryan on 087-2767338 or E-mail:tonyr06@eircom.net.

 

Leinster A Schools Championship. Patricians 4-15 Portmarnock 0-6

Well done to the Patrician School on their 4-15 to 0-6 win over Portmarnock in the Leinster Schools A championship on Friday. Sarsfields players Alan Scully, Dean Hartley, Con Kavanagh, Cian McConnell and Ronan Fitzgibbon played a prominent part in the win with Ronan Fitzgibbon contributing 7 points They will now play Athlone in the next round.

 

Run For Sarsfields

 

If you are looking to get fit for 2012 why not take part in the Kildare Marathon 2012 and help raise funds for the Sarsfields Floodlights Fund. Any club members, players, supporters mentors interested in taking part in either the 10k, half marathon or full marathon that takes place in and around the Curragh on Sunday May 13th are invited to attend a meeting on Thursday January 19th in the Clubhouse at 8pm. Participants can run or walk in each of the distances and will be given training advice and nutritional information and will be paired up with training partners of similar levels of fitness.

 

 

Sarsfields Club Kit and Casual Wear

All the new Club kit and attire is now available and can be purchased from the Shop. The Shop is also selling gift vouchers which make a great present. Lisa can help with all your queries. The shop is open each Saturday morning between 10.30 and 12.30. Please remember the shop can only accept cash and cheques, not debit or credit cards.

 

 

Sasrsfields On Facebook 

Sarsfields now have 1020 Fans on Facebook.

Sarsfields now has a Facebook Page where all sections can now post information directly relating to games, results events and photos etc. In addition there is a discussion forum. Link to Sarsfields  Facebook page can be found by scrolling down the home page of the Sarsfields website or by Googling Sarsfields GAA FaceBook.

 

True Story  

 

Prison Life In Norway

 

BASTOY PRISON, Norway (Reuters) - The Web site reads like an advertisement for a holiday home.

'Is Bastoy the place for you?' it asks next to photographs of a sunset sparkling off the tranquil waters of the Oslo fjord and horses pulling sleighs over packed snow.

This wooded island could be -- if you are a rapist, a murderer, a drug trafficker or have accepted a large bribe.

'We try to take a cross-section of the country's prison population, not just the nice criminals, 'said Oyvind Alnaes, governor of the minimum security prison on Bastoy Island about 75 km (46 miles) south of the Norwegian capital.

Inmates have included Norway's most notorious serial killer, Arnfinn Nesset, convicted of murdering 22 elderly people when he was manager of a nursing home in the 1970s. He was freed for good behaviour after serving two-thirds of a 21-year sentence.

'A lot of people in Norway say that we treat them (the prisoners) too well because they should be punished. But this is the biggest mistake we have been making since the 1600s. Taking this line makes people bad, 'Alnaes said.

'You have to believe people are born good.'
The 2.6 square km (1.0 sq mile) Bastoy island offers its 115 ' residents' cross-country skiing, tennis and horse-riding, but before the inmates can slope off to practise their serve or head to the beach for a swim, there is work to do on the farm.
'We want to become the first ecological prison in the world, 'Alnaes said.' It's about giving the inmates responsibility (and) trust, and teaching them respect.'

Alnaes, who wears jeans and t-shirts to work and is known to the inmates as Oyvind, says this model of open prison is the future. In 1997, he gave Bastoy Prison a new slogan: 'An arena of the development of responsibility' .

ESCAPE

Looking after the island's environment, he says, will nurture this sense of responsibility in the prisoners.
'Ecological thinking is about taking responsibility for nature, the future and how your grandchildren grow up, 'he said.
Only a handful of cars are used by prison staff on the island and along with the ferry, their engines will be converted to biofuel. The prison's six horses do most of the work, pulling carts driven by the prisoners, waste from the prison is used to generate power while oil heaters are being converted to wood.

The governor's development of responsibility goes further.
'The usual thing is that prisons are all about security, 'he said.' On the island, inmates work with knives and saws and axes. They need to do the work. And if an inmates increases his responsibility, you have to give him trust.'

Norway has one of the lowest incarceration rates in the world but the justice system does receive some criticism, notably for lengthy pre-trial detentions and cramped holding cells at police stations.

Rather than watching and guarding, the 69 prison employees at Bastoy work alongside the inmates until it is time to go home and from 3 p.m. every day only five remain on the island.
The onus is on the prisoners not to escape
There have been few attempts, when friends have come over in a boat during the night to pick up a prisoner, but Alnaes says making a break for it is not a smart move.

'The prisoners understand that there is nowhere to go if they do escape. What is the alternative? Spend your life on the run or serve your time at Bastoy? And one attempted escape means you lose your right to stay here.'

Prisoners have to apply for a place at Bastoy and applicants are vetted to filter out those who could cause the most trouble.
'That is the only place you can watch cable T.V. (in prison), 'a short grey-haired man said, pointing to a stone building that houses the prison library.

BEACH LIFE

He watched as a dark-haired youth walked down a path towards one of the prisoners' brightly painted wooden houses.' He killed somebody, that guy. Not sure who, or why, though.'
The speaker was Haavald Schjerven, a former U.N. department chief convicted in 2002 of taking $550,000 (315,000 pounds) in bribes.
'It's OK here, 'he said.' It gives you time to think and reflect and, of course, I enjoy the horse-riding.'

Schjerven showed Reuters around the wood-panelled house he shares with seven other criminals, pointing out the floor heating in the shared bathroom.

Norway releases prisoners early if they serve their sentences without trouble, and for the last part of their internment, they are allowed weekend breaks with friends and family.
Schjerven had just returned from a trip to Oslo where he discussed a business plan with a friend.

'It's much calmer here, we have a great sea view and it's only 150 metres to the beach.'

One of the island's beaches is open to the public and is crowded in the summer with day-trippers. It is the only part of the island the prisoners are banned from.
There is no fence to keep curious visitors out but signs warn people against wandering around the island -- nonetheless day-trippers entering the prison are a bigger problem than inmates escaping, governor Alnaes said.

 

Seven funny true stories Seven funny true stories

1) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired 'I Saw the Pope' in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed 'I Saw the Potato. '

2) In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

3) In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan 'finger-lickin' good' came out as 'eat your fingers off. '

4) Ford had a problem naming a car in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for 'tiny male genitals'. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

5) When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say, 'It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you. ' However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word 'embarazar' meant embarrass. Instead the ads said, 'It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant. '

6) The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means, 'bite the wax tadpole' or 'female horse stuffed with wax' depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, 'ko-kou-ko-le,' which can be loosely translated as 'happiness in the mouth. '

7) To even it up Will and Guy found this one from Coca Colas rival.

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan 'Come alive with the Pepsi Generation' came out as 'Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead. '


An Idea for the Day.

How to start the day and feel really good:

* Open a new file on your computer.
* Entitle it 'Housework.'
* Place it in the Recycle Bin.
* Empty the Recycle Bin.
* Your computer will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?'

Answer 'Yes' and click the left mouse button firmly.

Now you feel much better.

 

Humour

 

Hot Air?

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman tending to the flowers in her garden. He descended a bit more and shouted, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Accountant,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you have delayed my journey.'
The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise of which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow it's now become my fault!'

 

I say old Chap

A retired British Army Colonel was walking down Oxford Street in London, when he saw a man with no arms and no legs sitting on the pavement playing a mouth organ.

A sign beside the chap read, 'Victim of the Falklands War. '
'I say how disgraceful, eh?,'said the colonel, ' it’s damn appalling how this government treats our disabled vets’.So saying, he pulled out his wallet and peeled off two fifty pound notes and dropped them in the ex-soldier's hat.

The veteran looked up and said, 'Muchas gracias, senor.' The old Colonel nearly had a fit of apoplexy before muttering: Damn Argie beggar.  

 

 

Shoe Problem?

One evening after work John drove his secretary home after she was unable to start her car. Not wanting to bother his wife, Maureen, he decided not to mention it to her.

Later that night John and Maureen were driving out to eat when the John spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
They arrived at the restaurant a short time later and were about to get out of the car when Maureen enquired, 'John, have you seen my other shoe?'�

 

PARAPROSDOKIANS:  

Definition: 'Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation. 'Where there's a will, I want to be in it.' is one type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. At my office, I have a work station.

11.. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of every successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there's relatives.

 

 

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% IN AN EXAM

MAYBE HE DESERVES 100% FOR HIS CREATIVITY





Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
*
The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
*
No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*
You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges
in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*
Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Thanks to Leo Kennedy for the above two pieces.

 

 

 

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