THE SASH Wednesday March 3rd 2010

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.     

St Laurence’s clinch victory with last minute goal.

 County champions St Laurence’s denied Sarsfields seniors their second Aldridge cup victory in succession last night at the Old Grange when they scored an injury time goal to give the home side the points. Having played well throughout a keenly contested game and looking like likely winners it was a huge disappointment to concede the late goal. In the final game in the group on Saturday at 2.30 away against Naas a win would put Sarsfields into the semi final of the competition for the third successive year.  

2009 Junior Hurling Semi-Final: Sarsfields 1-11 Sallins 0-4

County Junior Hurling champions Sarsfields had a pre season stroll in the park in Sarsfields on Sunday morning as they easily overcame the challenge of Sallins in the delayed 2009 League semi-final. Sallins opened the scoring after 5 minutes but thereafter it was all one-way traffic as Sarsfields stepped up a gear and stamped their authority on the game. Sarsfields lead at half time by 8 points, 1-6 to 0-1 thanks to the outstanding Mick Aherne who contributed 1-4 and a point a piece from Kieran Lynch and John Joyce.

            After the break Sarsfields continued where they had left off. Two points form midfielder John Joyce and one apiece from Substitute Danny Watson, Dennis O’Callaghan and Brendan Cawley put the issue beyond doubt and Sarsfields into the final.

Sallins: Paul Kelly, Brendan O’Brien, Pat Kinsella, Marcus Looney, Mick Daly,Paul Smith, Paul Haskins, Ronan Dowling, Eoin Ennis, Eric Walsh, Pat Smyth, Eoin Murphy, Conor Williams, Gerry Glendon, Trevor McGarr.

Sarsfields: Dermot Maguire, Dane Barrett, Senan Clandillon, Conor O’Dwyer, Frank Maguire, David Breslin, John Joyce, (0-3) Olan O’Mahoney, Cieran Lynch (0-1) Dennis O’Callaghan, Brendan Cawley(0-1), John Moran, Mick Aherne (1-5) Danny Watson (0-1) Kevin Miller.

Best for Sarsfields were Mick Aherne, David Breslin, Conor O’Dwyer, Olan O’Mahoney, John Joyce.

MFL Division 1 Sarsfields 1-6 Celbridge 0-9

A point by corner forward David Hughes against Sarsfields with four minutes remaining gave Celbridge a share of the spoils in this Division one MFL clash under difficult underfoot conditions in Sarsfields Park on Sunday morning. With two players sent off for two yellow cards in the second half and one for a straight red in the final minute 12 man Sarsfields held out for a deserved draw.  Despite the sending off of the three players the game was not a dirty affair and both teams deserve credit for serving up an entertaining game.

With 20 minutes gone in the first half  Sarsfields had opened up a five point lead 1-3 to 0-1 thanks to a Dan Nea goal and a point and two points from Bobby Houghton. Celbridge reduced the deficit with two points a piece from the impressive duo Michael Konstantin and Adam Shaw to leave just two between the sides at the break, 1-3 to 0-4 in Sarsfields favour. After the break a Padraig Scully point followed by a  Bobby Houhgton point stretched Sarsfields lead to four 1-5 to (0-4). Celbridge half forward Michael Konstantin reduced the gap to a single point and Adam Shaw on 20 minutes brought Celbridge level for the first time in the game as Sarsfields found it difficult to cope with the loss of two players. Bobby Houghton put Sarsfields  ahead once more with 5 minutes remaining before David Hughes scored the final and equalising point of the game, Best for Celbridge were Michael Konstantin, Adam Shaw and Fergal Conway. Best for Sarsfields were Padraig Scully, Dan Nea and Bobby Houghton.

Celbridge: Shane McNamara, Stephen Murphy Liam McDonagh, Cathal Slevin,(0-1), Conor Plunkett, Conor Daly, Fergal Conway, Conor Kenny, Michael Konstantin,(0-4) Patrick Markey, Niall Donnelly, David Hughes,(0-1) Adam Shaw,(0-3) Barry Donovan.

Sarsfields: Niall Curran, Niall McDonnell, Jack Doyle, Gavin Dunne, Ian Mulligan, Padraig Scully, (0-1) Tomas Ibraham, David Hickey, Dean Higgins, Killian Smith, Dan Nea, (1-1) Phillip McDonnell, Ian O’Brien, Bobby Houghton,(0-4) Paddy Crinnigan. Subs: Barry Coffey and Ronan Fitzsimons for Phillip McDonnell and Paddy Crinnigan (33mins) Michael Barrett for Killian Smith (51mins) Ciaran Hanrahan for Bobby Houghton (injured 56mins) Referee: Fergal Barry

U14A FEILE

SARSFIELDS  6    –  18    NA FIANNA 1  –  2

By Liam Moore

Sarsfields U14s comfortably defeated Na Fianna in the first round of the Féile A football competition at Sarsfelds Park on Sunday evening.

Sarsfields won possession from the throw in and with Cian McConnell and Alan Scully dominating around the middle of the field, incessant pressure was imposed on the Na Fianna defence. Jamie Harte opened the scoring with a fisted goal. This opened the floodgates and The Sash added 4-6 in the remainder of the half, 2-3 coming from centre forward Ben McCormack. Conor Delahunty was responsible for 1-1. Alan Scully, Nial Manning and Conn Whelan accounted for a further three points. Thus Sarsfields led 4-7 to 0-0 at the break.

The second half continued in much the same vein and Sarsfields went on to score 6-18 in total to Na Fianna’s 1-2. Ben McCormack added 0-6 to his first half contribution to give him a personal tally total of 2-9 for the day. Both Conn Whelan and Jamie Harte, notched two second half points. Chilly Byrne and Dylan Burke came off the bench and grabbed a point each and Conor Delahunty scored a goal.

This was an impressive display, considering it was the Sash’ first game of the year. While better opposition awaits the team in future rounds, Sunday’s display was encouraging and this team can play neat intelligent football.

Others to play well were Sean Dempsey and Ryan Brady.

Sarsfields: Sean Donovan, Luke Cawley, Con Kavanagh, Ciaran Maher, Ryan Brady, Sean Dempsey, Rob Abbott, Alan Scully, Cian McConnell, Nial Manning, Ben McCormack, Conn Whelan, Con Delahunty, Jamie Harte, Cian Scanlon. Subs: Tom Aspell, Shea Ryan, Cian Byrne, Dylan Burke, Christopher Ward, Conor Hartley, Seamus Phelin.

Leinster GAA News
 
First phase of Player Development Programme announced.

The GAA and Gaelic Players Association today announced the first phase of development programmes for inter-county players.  The programmes, in the areas of education, career training and health and well-being are part of a new player welfare service which is being implemented following last November’s interim agreement between the GPA and GAA. The programmes are designed to assist players with their careers off the field to help support their commitment to Gaelic games at inter-county level.  This is the first stage in the new player welfare scheme with a number of further player development programmes coming on stream throughout 2010.

Funding for the programmes is being provided by the GAA as part of the provisions of the interim agreement with the GPA approved by Central Council last December. A motion to recognise the GPA as the official representative body for inter-county players will be discussed at the GAA’s Annual Congress in Newcastle Co. Down in April. Speaking about the launch of the player development programmes, Uachtarán Chumann Lúthchleas Gael Críostóír Ó Cuana said: ‘The interim provisions of our agreement with the GPA provided funding for Welfare Programmes for inter county players and we are delighted to be in a position to unveil the first phase of these programmes today.
‘There is no doubting the commitment given and sacrifices made by our players, particularly at inter county level, and the initiatives being launched today should serve to complement the considerable investment made by our County boards in terms of player welfare in recent years. In many ways, it is an historic day for the Association and I believe it will be the beginning of a relationship which will help to copper fasten the principles of the Amateur Status and volunteerism in our games, through ensuring we provide in conjunction with the GPA, an unparalleled welfare service for our players.’

GPA Chief Executive Officer, Dessie Farrell added: ‘Today marks a giant step forward for player welfare. The future of the inter-county game and the GAA in general will be well served by these programmes, designed as they are to assist players with their careers off the field. The contribution of amateur players as volunteers to the general wellbeing of the Association is enormous and it is vital for all of us that that commitment is nurtured and sustained into the future. The aim of the development programmes is to make sure that players are not losing out in their careers due to their involvement in inter-county football and hurling and we are confident that by following best practice in the area of player welfare, we will achieve that aim with our strategy.’

Each programme, designed and administered by the GPA, is subject to an agreed evaluation process carried out by the GAA in advance of and subsequent to the expenditure of funds. Funding for the programmes will be provided under the terms of the interim agreement.  

GPA Player Development Programmes
The first phase will include:
1. Career Service
2. Job Interview Skills
3. Educational Advice
4. Scholarships
5. Personal Counselling
6. Referee Defibrillator Training
7. Benevolent Fund

The GPA Career Service is aimed at improving employment and career prospects for players by providing them with expert advice and support in looking for work. The service, which offers one-to-one access to a leading career coach, will help equip job applicants with the necessary knowledge, skills and confidence to search for a job effectively. The areas covered are: career direction, CV preparation and interviewing techniques, job searching and networking. There will be a follow-up support structure by telephone and email for all Career Service candidates. A specific Job Interview Skills programme will provide individuals with the essential skills to maximise the potential for success in interview situations.

The GPA Educational Advice Programme includes a dedicated Educational and Training Advice Service which provides players with access to skilled professionals who can deliver advice and support in relation to approved educational and training courses. The educational programme will also include an enhanced Scholarship scheme to help support inter-county players financially with the challenge of balancing the competing demands of their on and off field careers. Scholarships will be aimed at players who are in or entering education courses and those seeking to return to education.

In the area of Health and Wellbeing, a GPA Personal Counselling Service will now be in place. This important service will provide players with access to skilled, experienced psychologists who can provide support for individuals concerned about emotional issues.  Also in the area of Health and Wellbeing a Referee Defibrillator Training Programme is to be introduced to provide inter-county referees with the ability to operate defibrillators.
As well as this first tranche of services, the GPA Benevolent Fund will provide critical support to players and past players who fall on hard times. The Fund will help applicants who are experiencing serious personal problems.
Past inter-county players will have an opportunity to avail of all relevant GPA Player Development Programmes. The GPA is establishing a Past Players Advisory Group to address issues arising for retired inter-county players. This Group will help shape key GPA policy in this area and assist the process of tailoring specific programmes for past players.

Volunteers Required.

Your club needs you.

Anyone who would like to get involved in any section in Sarsfields is very welcome or on the various committees that have been/are been set up such as Lotto fundraising or the new communications committee. To get involved with the lotto contact Kevin McNulty on or for the communications committee contact Secretary John Holden on 087-2872208 or PRO Tony Ryan on 087-2767338. In relation to communications all managers are asked to immediately send match results with the scores regardless of winning or losing to PRO Tony Ryan. The County Board wants all results in as soon as possible so that they can be placed on the website more quickly than in previous years.  

Fence Erection

Volunteers are required for Saturday Morning March 6th at 9am to help erect a fence
at top of pitch 2

Club Mass

A Club Mass for all Deceased Club Members will take place in the clubhouse on Sunday 7th March at 7.30pm.

Sash Notes

Beat wishes to Paddy Timmons who is recovering in Tallaght hospital after breaking his ankle last week and to Tommy O’Hanlon who is in Naas hospital at present.

The senior team got their Aldridge Cup campaign off to a winning start when they easily accounted for Suncroft 1-12 to 0-4 in Suncroft on Saturday afternoon and gained a measure of revenge for the defeat to Suncroft in the 2009 Championship quarterfinal.  The Senior B team followed up on their midweek win over St Laurence’s in the Dowling Cup when they defeated Rathcoffey by 2-11 to 1-10 with another impressive performance on Saturday. The final round of the Aldridge and Dowling cups takes places this Saturday at 2.30 with the seniors at home to Naas and the senior B away to Celbridge. For all Sarsfields fixtures this weekend see the Sports section. The minor A team drew with Celbridge 1-6 to 0-9 despite being down to 12 men on Sunday morning in Sarsfields Park in their opening game in the league with impressive performances from Dan Nea, Padraig Scully and Bobby Houghton. Best wishes to Bobby on a speedy recovery after he sustained a knee injury in the closing minutes of the game. Welcome to minor footballer Dean Reid who has transferred to Sarsfields from Naas and who was present to see his new team-mates in action against Celbridge on Sunday.

Sarsfields U14s comfortably defeated Na Fianna in the first round of the Féile A football competition by 6-18 to 1-2 at Sarsfelds Park on Sunday evening. Man of the match Ben McCormack scored a very impressive 2-9. Other good performances came from  Cian McConnell, Alan Scully (1-1) Jamie Harte. (1-2) Conor Delahunty, (2-1) Nial Manning(0-1) and Conn Whelan, (0-2). Sean Dempsey and Ryan Brady also played well and substitutes Cian Chilly Byrne and Dylan Burke scored a point each. Best wishes to Dermot Earley and Gary White and the Kildare team in Sunday’s NFL tie against Donegal.

 A mass for deceased members will be held on Sunday next March7thThe next Sarsfields Disco will be held on Friday 12^th March from 8pm until 11pm for age 11 upwards. Entry is €5.

All players are reminded that the deadline for payment of membership is 13th March. Unpaid Players will be unable to play or train after this date until their membership is paid.

            Saturday morning Underage training returns on Saturday next the 6th of March, at 11.15am for the following age groups: Kindergarten – 4/5/6 yr. Olds. Kindergarten Hurling, Boys Under 7’s, Boys Under 8’s, Boys Under 9’s, Girls Under 8’s and Girls Under 9’s. We would like to welcome back all players, coaches and parents. New members are very welcome If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact the Juvenile chairperson, Stephen Murphy, on 087 2840877.
           

The Pool Table has been relocated back out into club bar area and has been an outstanding success with huge crowds playing most week nights and a club Pool tournament will be scheduled by Tom Sex in the next few weeks.

            If any persons in the club have First Aid experience please contact The Club
Health and Safety Officer Vincent Miller 087 7998433. Anne Nolan Dempsey has been appointed as the Club Liasion & Welfare officer for the coming year. If anyone has any  photos of Sarsfields Championship winning teams  from any era please contact Eric Thorpe on 086-1272953 as some teams are missing from the collection of winning Championship teams in the club bar. All originals will be returned after copying.

             If any club member wishes to use the Club Gym please contact Secretary John Holden 087 2872208. to obtain a Gym Fob ( once off cost of €10 ). All team managers are asked to send on preferred training times to club secretary for the coming season as the training pitch roster is being finalised shortly. For any issues relating to health and safety please contact The Club Health and Safety Officer Vincent Miller 087 7998433. 

  Lottto results for Monday 22nd February: No Jackpot Winner. €100: Susan Buckley  €40 each: John King c/o Mick Geraghty, Eileen Moore, c/o Seamus O’Neill, Bernie Commane c/o Brid O’Callaghan.   €25: Niall Conlon.  Lotto value €12,000 Numbers drawn: 1,2,5,28.

Club Membership
 
Club Membership for all sections is now due. Contact Registrar Kathleen
(Ollie) Ryan 086 6264115

The new membership rates are as follows:

Adult Member €60

Adult Player €120 (includes €60 player contribution)

Student Player €90  (includes €60 player contribution)

Unemployed Player €70 (includes €60 player contribution)

Retired Member €10

Juvenile Member (Kindergarten to Under 9) €30

Juvenile Member ( Under 10 to Under 18) €60  (includes €30 player
contribution)

Family Membership €70 + players levies

Sarsfields Fixtures this week.

Please note senior team is away to Naas this Saturday and the senior B team are at home to Celbridge in the 3^rd round of Aldridge and Dowling Cups respectively not as inadvertently stated in the newspapers that the seniors were at home and the senior B team away.

Saturday  6th March 2010.

 Aldridge Cup Round 3 all matches at 2.30PM unless stated.

 Naas  v  Sarsfields      Paddy Moore



 Dowling Cup Round 3 all matches at 2.30PM unless stated.
Sarsfields (2)  v  Celbridge (2)       Jody Callan


U16 Football League Div 2 Rd 2 @4.00pm

Kilcullen v Sarsfields                Declan Peppard





Sunday 7th March  2010
U14 Football Féilé A Rd 2 @10.30am

Balyna v Sarsfields                  Declan Jacob
Minor Football League Division 1 all matches at 11.45AM

 Maynooth  v  Sarsfields       David Delgano

Minor Football League Division 4 all matches at 11.45AM
Sarsfields (2)  v  Naas (2)     Liam Doyle

Allianz National Football League Roinn 2 R3  at 2.30PM*

At St.Conlets Park, Newbridge             Cill Dara  v  Donegal.

Kildare’s Leinster Senior, and Minor Fixtures for 2010

 Leinster Senior football Championship.

 Full fixtures: NFL Division 2:  All Sunday games at 2.30. Saturday games at 7.30 under lights – Rnd 3: Sunday, March 7, Kildare -v- Donegal; Rnd 4: Sunday, March 14, Armagh -v- Kildare; Rnd 5: Sunday, March 21, Kildare -v- Westmeath; Rnd 6: Saturday, March 27 – Laois -v- Kildare under lights at 7.30; Rnd 7: Sunday, April 11, Meath -v- Kildare.

NHL Division 2 – Rnd 1: Sunday, February 21, Laois -v- Kildare; Rnd 2: Sunday, February 28, Kildare -v- Antrim; Rnd 3: Saturday, March 13 – Westmeath -v- Kildare; Rnd 4: Saturday, March 20 – Kildare -v- Down; Rnd 5: Sunday, March 28, Wexford -v- Kildare; Rnd 6: Sunday, April 4, Kildare -v- Carlow; Rnd 7: Sunday, April 18, Kildare -v- Clare.

 

NFL League Fixtures for this weekend.

06.03.2010 (Sat)
Allianz GAA Football National League
Round 3
Roinn I
Páirc Ui Rinn 7.30pm Cork v Gaillimh Setanta Ireland
Referee: Maurice Condon (Port Láirge)

Roinn II
Portlaoise 7.30pm Laois v Ard Mhacha
Referee: Rory Hickey (An Clár)

Páirc Esler 7.30pm An Dún v Tiobraid Árann
Referee: Joe Curley (An Mhí)
Páirc Tailteann  7.30pm An Mhí v An Iarmhí
Referee: Jimmy White (Dún na nGall)

Roinn III
Casement PK 7.30pm Aontroim v Fear Manach
Referee: Con Reynolds (An Dún)

 
 
07.03.010 (Sun)
Allianz GAA Football National League
Round 3
Roinn I
Castlebar 2.30pm Maigh Eo v Áth Cliath
Referee: Pat Fox (An Iarmhí)

Tralee 2.30pm Ciarraí v Doire TG4 (Live)
Referee: Gearóid Ó Conámha (Gaillimh)

Inniskeen 2.30pm Muineachán v Tír Eoghain TG4 (Deferred)
Referee: Martin Higgins (Fear Manach)


07.03.010 (Sun)
Allianz GAA Football National League
Round 3
Roinn II
Newbridge 2.30pm Cill Dara v Dún na nGall
Referee: Michael Collins (Corcaigh)

Roinn III
Wexford PK 1.00pm Loch Garman v Sligeach
Referee: Damien Brazil (Uíbh Fhailí)

Tullamore 2.30pm Uíbh Fhailí v Ros Comáin
Referee: Gary McCormack (Áth Cliath)


 09.03.10 (Tues)
Allianz GAA Hurling National League
Round 1 Re Fixture
Portlaoise 8.00pm Laois v Cill Dara
Referee: Declan O’Driscoll (Luimneach)

 
 

Underage Camogie & Hurling Training.
 
 All Outdoor Underage Hurling & Camogie training starts back in Sarsfields on Thursday 25th of March from 6pm to 7pm.
 
That’s U8, U10, U12 & U14. Boys & Girls.

For more information contact Denise McGann on – 087-2873096

Support The Sash with Vodafone

Sign up to the Vodafone Support Your GAA Club programme to donate 5% of
your Pay Monthly bill or Top Up to Sarsfields – without it costing you a
single cent! Contact Shane Campbell or visit the Vodafone web site.

More Stupid Quotes.  

‘Have you ever heard me play guitar? I’m really damn good.
You know what I’m bad at? Answering questions about public
health care.’
– John Mayer, former British Prime Minister when asked to give his opinion about public
  health care

‘I learned through talking with my therapist that it is
still cheating even if it’s with girls.’
– Lady Gaga 

‘Tell Yao Ming, ‘Ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-soh.’, Rough
translation: I’m insecure because you’ll be the center of
attention in five years.’
– Shaquille O’Niel 

‘I got to party and socialize at an Olympic level.’
– Ex-Olympic athlete Bode Miller on his performance at the  
  2006 Olympics

Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. – A woman claims she was saved by her
‘love handels’. Samantha Frazier was walking into a bar in
Atlantic City when she heard two pops.

She reached down to her lower back and felt blood coming out
of her. Police say she was an innocent bystander in a failed
shooting attempt targeted at
another person in the bar.

Frazier told The Press of Atlantic City  that ‘I could have
been dead. They said my love handles saved my life.’

Frazier also told the newspaper that she had been
‘hollering’ that she wanted to lose weight. She now said ‘I
want to be as big as I can if it’s going to stop a bullet.’

True Story.

Starting Over

Studies show that divorced women have more trouble starting
new relationships than divorced men.  
In the last half century, divorce has become more and more
commonplace in society, with fewer couples reaching the
magic 25th, and those qualifying for a golden 50th
anniversary shrinking every day. Statistics calculate that
there is a divorce in America, every 13 seconds. But if
everyone is divorcing, who is left for couples?

A few die-hards who have stuck out the hard times, and those
who re-marry. Men tend to be more comfortable seeking out
new relationships than women are, but it is the female of
the species who has more desire to reform a couple/family
unit. Conversely, affairs in a marriage can be both a
barrier and a catalyst for re-marriage.

Studies show that as many as 70% of all married men, and 60%
of married women have had an affair. If that becomes known,
the chances are good that the marriage will break up, and
since those figures represent one in every three marriages,
it shows why there are so many single refugees from married
bliss.

In general, men are perceived as being the instigator of
affairs and thus infidelity. Women who have been deceived,
find it much harder to trust again, and hence the difficulty
in forming a meaningful or lasting relationship after a
marriage ends.

On the other hand, both men and women who have been involved
in an affair and who go on to marry the other person, may
become part of the 75% of post-affair marriages that also
break up.  

True Story 2.   

At The Heart Of Things

The first artificial heart was patented by Paul Winchell in
1963.  
 
 
Four years before the first human-to-human heart transplant,
Paul Winchell patented an artificial heart, foreseeing the
possible needs and benefits should the new-concept
transplants not work out.

That was a surprising development from a man who made his
living talking to a dummy. For Paul Winchell was none other
than the famous ventriloquist who performed on such shows as
Ed Sullivan, with his wooden sidekick, Jerry Mahoney.

While popular for many years, his career was overshadowed by
that of Edgar Bergen, although many critics felt that
Winchell was the superior ventriloquist. When his career on
the stage waned, he revived it by moving into the voice
field and for many years was a mainstay of Disney movies and
features, voicing the character of Tigger in Winnie the
Pooh, up to 2000.

A childhood victim of polio, Winchell worked relentlessly at
weight training to regain his mobility and as he grew older,
acquired a fascination with his idol, Edgar Bergen. With a
dime loaned to him by his sister’s girlfriend, he bought a
book on ventriloquism and conned an art teacher into letting
him build a dummy as his project. At the age of 14, a school
principal helped get him on the ‘Major Bowes Amateur Hour’,
where he won, and his career took off.

Winchell would later say he didn’t realize he’d missed out
on education until he was 35, so in the latter 1950s he went
back to school and studied medicine as well as technical
subjects. This further spurred his interest in how things
worked, resulting in such things as the 1963 patent for an
artificial heart, the same patent that would later be
improved on by Robert Jarvik.

Humour. 

Irish Burial At Sea.

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of
course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.  After a while Mick says, ‘Do
yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?’

Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. ‘Dis’ll neva do, Mick. Let’s
row some more.’

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, ‘Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?’ Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately
says, ‘No, dis’ll neva do.’ The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor
Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. ‘Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?’

‘Aye ’tis’, says Paddy.  ‘Hand me da shovel.’

Taken For A Ride
From a Stingem employee….’Welcome aboard Stingem Flight XXX to YYY. ‘We are pleased to have some of the best pilots in the industry… Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight…!’
Then he progressed to the famous ‘Fasten Seatbelt Routine’.  What he said was: ‘To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.’

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love the more.

After the plane landed, he said: ‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants’
His final announcement was: ‘Thank you for flying Stingem Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’

Taken from an actual UK passport application and a member of staff copied it as it made her laugh all day.

Dear Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T..V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It’s on my health insurance card, my driver’s licence, on the last four passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother’s name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father’s name is Robert, and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I’m obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God’s sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week’s well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know… the one where we’re not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can’t smile? ‘Cause we’re totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London.

I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am — you know, someone like my doctor…

who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN …

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen. 

Thanks to Leo Kennedy for the above two.

Golf – Below Par?

After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home.

As he was walking to the car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked, ‘Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?’
‘Yes,� Robert answered
‘Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the course?’
‘Yes, I did. How did you know?’ Robert questioned.

‘Well,’ said the policeman gravely, ‘Your ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do about it?’

Robert thought it over very carefully and responded, ‘I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.’

Irish Explanation

Siobhan followed her husband to the public house, ‘How can you come here,’ she said,
taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, ‘and drink that awful stuff?’
‘Now!’ he cried, ‘And you always thought I was out enjoying meself.’

An Amusing, Witty, Stereotypical View of World Reaction to Terror Alerts

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from ‘Miffed’ to ‘Peeved.’

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to ‘Irritated’ or even ‘A Bit Cross.’ Brits have not been ‘A Bit Cross’ since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from ‘Tiresome’ to a ‘Bloody Nuisance.’ The last time the British issued a ‘Bloody Nuisance’ warning level was during the great plague of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from ‘Run’ to ‘Hide.’ The only two higher levels in France are ‘Collaborate’ and ‘Surrender.’ The rise was precipitated by a recent re that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from ‘Shout loudly and excitedly’ to ‘Elaborate Military Posturing’. Two more levels remain: ‘Ineffective Combat Operations’ and ‘Change Sides.’

The Germans also increased their alert state from ‘Disdainful Arrogance’ to ‘Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs’. They also have two higher levels: ‘Invade a Neighbour’ and ‘Lose.’

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels from ‘baaa’ to ‘BAAAA!’. Due to continuing defence cutbacks [the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath], New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is �Croikey, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us.’ In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called ‘Bondi’.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from ‘No worries’ to ‘She’ll be right, mate.’ Three more escalation levels remain, ‘Crikey!’; ‘I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend’ and ‘The barbie is cancelled.’ There has never been a situation that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

A young monk arrives at the Monastery

 He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,

not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, 
pointing out that if someone made even a 
small error in the first
copy, 
it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, ‘We have been copying 
from the copies for centuries, 

but you make a good point, my son.’ He goes down into the dark caves underneath the 
monastery where the original manuscripts
are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. 


Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot. 
So, the young monk gets worried and
goes 
down to look for him. 
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. 
‘We missed the R ! We missed the R !  We missed the R !’ 
His forehead is all bloody and bruised 
and he is crying uncontrollably. 

The young monk asks
the old Abbot, 
‘What’s wrong, Father?’ 
With A choking voice, the old
Abbot replies, 

‘The word was…………………. 

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