News

Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

 

THE SASH  Friday Feb 19th 2010

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.     

 

Leinster GAA News
 
Kildare 1-17 Tipperary 0-8

NFL DIVISION 2

A depleted Kildare put last weekend's chastening defeat to Down behind
them with a comfortable victory over 14-man Tipperary at Semple Stadium on Saturday night. Kieran McGeeney was without seven front
line players through suspension and injury, and will be worried about
further knocks picked up by Hugh McGrillen and Anthony Rainbow that
necessitated their substitutions during the game. The evergreen Rainbow
impressed in an unusual role at centre-forward, while Ken Donnelly did
his cause no harm for a more regular starting role and James Kavanagh
finished with an eight-point haul. Midfielder Daryl Flynn was the most
influential figure on the field however, displaying tremendous fielding
skills to go with a keen work ethic. Donnelly struck the net in the
sixth minute, having been placed expertly by Mark Scanlon, to give
Kildare an early four-point lead and it was an advantage they held until
half time. Conor Sweeney and Barry Grogan did get on the score sheet for
the home side but Kavanagh tagged on three points of his own to give
Kildare a 1-5 to 0-4 interval lead.

Kavanagh, Karl Ennis and Padraig O'Neill kept the scoreboard ticking
over after the resumption and when Tipp midfielder Hugh Coghlan was sent
off in the 50th minute after an off-the-ball incident involving Flynn,
it was curtains for the home side. Both sides emptied their benches as
the result became inevitable. Tipp replacement, Stephen Hahessy did kick
two fine points from play but it was all Kildare, with Flynn covering
every blade of grass on the field. O'Neill brought his tally to three
with a beauty with the outside of his right boot and Dermot Earley
produced the loudest cheer of the night courtesy of a wonderful point on
the run from 40m. The defeat leaves Tipperary facing a tough battle to
retain their newfound Division 2 status already, while Kildare will hope
to build on this morale-boosting win to make a stab at promotion to the
top tier.

Kildare: S McCormack; A Mac Lochlainn, H McGrillen, E Bolton; M Foley, B
Flanagan, M Scanlon; D Flynn, D Earley 0-1; D Whyte, A Rainbow, P
O'Neill 0-3; K Ennis 0-4(3fs), J Kavanagh 0-8(5fs), K Donnelly 1-0.
Subs: D Hendy for McGrillen inj (32); R Sweeney for Rainbow inj (46); H
Lynch for White (60); D Lyons for Bolton (65)

Tipperary: M O'Donnell; C Morrissey, P Codd, C McDonald; R Costigan, N
Curran, C Aylward; G Hannigan, H Coghlan; J Cagney 0-1, S Grogan P
Acheson; C Sweeney 0-3(2fs), P Austin, B Grogan 0-2(1f). Subs: B
Mulvhill for Cagney (40); B Coen for S Grogan (47); A Rockett for Austin
(53); S Hahessy 0-2 for B Grogan (61); C McGrath for Codd (66)

Referee: A Mangan (Kerry)

 

 

 

Sash Notes

Best wishes to Tommy O’Hanlon who is presently in hospital.

             Congratulations to the following players who were presented with awards at the Sarsfields Awards night held on February 6th. Senior Fooballer of the Year: Enda Freaney. Senior B Footballer of the Year: Mick Beegan. Junior B Footballer of the Year: Noel Crinnigan Junior C Footballer of the Year: Conor O'Malley Under 21 Footballer of the Year: David Duggan. Minor Footballer of the Year: Cathal McLaughlin. Minor B Footballer of the Year: Ciaran Thorpe. Hurler of the Year: Paul Murray. Camogie Player of the Year: Anne Marie Earley. Ladies Footballer of the Year and All Star 2009: Noelle Earley. Ladies Junior Footballer of the Year: Jennifer Murphy. Ladies Minor Footballer of the Year: Sadbh McDonnell. Dermot Earley (Jnr) was also congratulated on winning his Second all Star award, while Dermot (Snr) and Mary Earley were awarded with Lifetime Membership of Sarsfields for their outstanding services to the club over many years.

The Senior B footballers were also presented with Championship and league
medals and the Junior B team with Championship medals while the Junior
Hurling team who won the Championship and the camoige girls who won the
Junior league also received their medals.  Thanks to John Holden who was MC for the night with Presentations made by Christy Horan, Shane Campbell, Pat Cox, John O''Neill, Mick Buckley, Kevin Brennan, Tony Donohoe, Seamus O''Neill, Rod O'Sullivan, Barney Breslin, Dinny O'Callaghan, Cian Sweeney, Dave Barror, Lynda McNamee with Kieran Galvin the Official Photographer on the night.
Thanks to Kieran Galvin who presented the club with a framed Photograph of the Sarsfields Junior Hurling Champions 2009.

If any persons in the club have First Aid experience please contact The Club
Health and Safety Officer Vincent Miller 087 7998433. Anne Nolan Dempsey has been appointed as the Club Liasion & Welfare officer for the coming year. If anyone has any Sarsfields photos from any era please contact Eric Thorpe on 086-1272953. All originals will be returned after copying.

             Sarsfields’ Aldridge cup fixture  due to be played  this weekend against St Laurence’s will now be played under lights in St Laurence’s on Thursday 25th February (not on Saturday 20th as appears in the Leader notes) while the Sarsfields v St Laurence’s Dowling Cup tie will be played on Wedneday 24th Feb also in St Laurence’s.  Also in the group with St Laurences, are Naas and Suncroft.. In the Dowling Cup the Senior B team have been drawn in a group with Rathcoffey, St Laurences and Celbridge.

If any club member wishes to use the Club Gym please contact Secretary John
Holden 087 2872208. to obtain a Gym Fob ( once off cost of €10 ). All team managers are asked to send on preferred training times to club secretary for the coming season as the training pitch roster is being finalised shortly. For any issues relating to health and safety please contact The Club Health and Safety Officer Vincent Miller 087 7998433. 

If any club member is interested in helping out as a steward at Kildare matches in St Conleths Park please contact Club Secretary John Holden 087 2872208 as soon as possible A Referees Foundation course over 3 nights organised by the Kildare County Board will commence on Wednesday 17th February in St Conleths Park. If any club member is interested in attending this course please contact Club Secretary John Holden 087 2872208 as soon as possible. The other nights for the course are Tuesday 23rd Feb and Thursday 25th Feb. Anne Nolan Dempsey has been appointed as the Club Liaison & Welfare officer for the coming year.

 

 

 

Club Membership
 
Club Membership for all sections is now due. Contact Registrar Kathleen
(Ollie) Ryan 086 6264115

The new membership rates are as follows:

Adult Member €60

Adult Player €120 (includes €60 player contribution)

Student Player €90  (includes €60 player contribution)

Unemployed Player €70 (includes €60 player contribution)

Retired Member €10

Juvenile Member (Kindergarten to Under 9) €30

Juvenile Member ( Under 10 to Under 18) €60  (includes €30 player
contribution)

Family Membership €70 + players levies

Sarsfields Fixtures this week.

Sunday 21st February

 

 2009 Junior Hurling League Semi Final 11.30am

At Sarsfields     Sarsfields v Sallins

 

Minor Football League Division 1  11.45AM

At Clane   Clane V Sarsfields       Liam Doyle

 

Minor Football League Division 4  11.45AM

At Sarsfields   Sarsfields (2) V Nurney            Pat O’Connell

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kildare’s Leinster Senior, U21 and Minor Fixtures for 2010

 

 

 Leinster Senior football Championship.

 

 



FIRST ROUND

 

Louth v Longford

23.05.2010

 

 

Wicklow v Carlow

16.05.2010

 

 

Meath v Offaly

23.05.2010

 

 

QUARTER-FINALS

 

 

 

Louth/Longford v Kildare

05.06.2010

Navan/Tullamore

 

Wicklow/Carlow v Westmeath

06.06.2010

 

 

Meath/Offaly v Laois

13.06.2010

Croke Park

 

Wexford v Dublin

13.06.2010

Croke Park

 

SEMI-FINALS

 

 

 

Louth/Longford/Kildare v Wicklow/Carlow/Westmeath

26.06.2010

 Note Saturday 26th. venue

To be announced 

 

Meath/Offaly/Laois v Wexford/Dublin

27.06.2010

 

 

CRAOBH

11.07.2010

Croke Park

 

 

 

 Leinster U21 Football Championship

U21 Football Championship: Kildare V Westmeath Sat Feb 20th Mullingar.

Best wishes to Alan Barry, and Sarsfields players Sean Cambell and David Duggan and the Kildare team on Saturday next when they take on Westmeath in the U21 Football championship first round in Mullingar at 2.30. Sarsfields’ Maor Uisce Eric Thorpe, greyhound trainer extrodinare who is Alan Barry’s right hand man was eagerly looking forward to the game when contacted by the Sash at the weekend.

“I’m really looking forward to the game. I have the team in great shape using my revolutionary greyhound training methods, the same methods that I’m using on the Sarsfields senior team. Both Alan and Sean are very happy with my greyhound-training regime, which the players have adapted to very well. I’m off now to see the Doc Brennan to get some greyhound food for the lads. I’m very busy at the moment. I have just appointed myself to another position in Sarsfields. I’m now the official photo archivist. I will be moving into my new office in Sarsfields shortly. So in future if you want an interview you will have to contact my press agent Tom Whelan.”

U-21 Football

Date

Venue

1. Offaly v Carlow

21.02.2010

Tullamore

2. 1 v Kilkenny

06.03.2010

Tullamore/Carlow

3. Louth v Wexford

20.02.2010

Drogheda

4. 3 v Dublin

06.03.2010

Drogheda/Wexford

5. Westmeath v Kildare

20.02.2010

Mullingar

6. 5 v Meath

06.03.2010

Mullingar/Newbridge

7. Wickow v Longford

21.02.2010

Aughrim

8. 7 v Laois

06.03.2010

Aughrim/Longford

9. 2 v 4

17.03.2010

Home Venue 2

10. 6 v 8

17.03.2010

Home Venue 6

FINAL: 9 v 10

04.04.2010

Home Venue 9

 

 

 

 Leinster Minor Football Championship

Minor Football

Date

Venue

1. Wicklow v Wexford

17.04.2010

Aughrim

2. Carlow v Westmeath

17.04.2010

Carlow

3. Louth v Laois

17.04.2010

Drogheda

4. Kildare v Dublin

17.04.2010

Newbridge

5. Offaly v Longford

17.04.2010

Tullamore

6. Meath v Kilkenny

17.04.2010

Navan

LOSERS SECTION

 

 

7. Loser 5 v Loser 1

24.04.2010

Home Venue Loser 5

8. 7 v Loser 2 = A

08.05.2010

Home Venue 7

9. Loser 4 v Loser 3

24.04.2010

Home Venue Loser 4

10. 9 v Loser 6 = B

08.05.2010

Home Venue 9

QUARTER-FINALS

 

 

11. 6 v 5

22.05.2010

Home Venue 6

12. 3 v 1

22.05.2010

Home Venue 3

13. A v 2

22.05.2010

Home Venue A

14. 4 v B

22.05.2010

Home Venue 4

SEMI-FINALS

 

 

15. 11 v 12

26.06.2010 (30.06.2010)

Home Venue 11

16. 13 v 14

26.06.2010 (30.06.2010)

Home Venue 13

CRAOBH: 15 v 16

11.07.2010

Croke Park

 

 Kildare’s National Football League And Hurling Fixtures

First team out has home advantage.

 Full fixtures: NFL Division 2:  All Sunday games at 2.30. Saturday games at 7.30 under lights – Rnd 3: Sunday, March 7, Kildare -v- Donegal; Rnd 4: Sunday, March 14, Armagh -v- Kildare; Rnd 5: Sunday, March 21, Kildare -v- Westmeath; Rnd 6: Saturday, March 27 – Laois -v- Kildare under lights at 7.30; Rnd 7: Sunday, April 11, Meath -v- Kildare.

NHL Division 2 – Rnd 1: Sunday, February 21, Laois -v- Kildare; Rnd 2: Sunday, February 28, Kildare -v- Antrim; Rnd 3: Saturday, March 13 – Westmeath -v- Kildare; Rnd 4: Saturday, March 20 – Kildare -v- Down; Rnd 5: Sunday, March 28, Wexford -v- Kildare; Rnd 6: Sunday, April 4, Kildare -v- Carlow; Rnd 7: Sunday, April 18, Kildare -v- Clare.

National Football League Fixtures This Weekend Feb 13/14th.

 


 

 Manager Required

Applications for Manager of Junior the B footballers now being sought. If Interested please contact Chairman Brendan Ryan 087
9345109  or  Secretary John Holden 087 2872208

Camogie Manager Required

 

Sarsfields Camogie

We are looking for a new manager for 2010. If anyone is interested could
they please let me know on 087 2963212.
 I would also like to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to our
manager for the last couple of years Joe Murray who will not be taking
the position next year.His commitment and dedication could not be
faulted and was much appreciated. Also thank you to Lynda McNamee and
Dan Whelan who thankfully will still be involved next year.
 
Contact 
Paula Earley
087 2963212.

 

Underage Camogie & Hurling Training.
 
Indoor training starts from Thursday the 4th of Feb in the Patrician Brothers School Hall Newbridge from 7pm to 8pm for under 9 or up to 3rd class.
€2 per child.
 
All Outdoor Underage Hurling & Camogie training starts back in Sarsfields on Thursday 25th of March from 6pm to 7pm.
 
That's U8, U10, U12 & U14. Boys & Girls.

For more information contact Denise McGann on - 087-2873096

 

 

 

Support The Sash with Vodafone

Sign up to the Vodafone Support Your GAA Club programme to donate 5% of
your Pay Monthly bill or Top Up to Sarsfields – without it costing you a
single cent! Contact Shane Campbell or visit the Vodafone web site.

More Stupid Quotes.  

 

'I wouldn't feel right wearing clothes covering my
 body.'

- Christina Aquilera, on wearing clothing.

'I thought Europe was a country?'

- Kellie Pickler, on 'Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader'

'I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat
ice cream and look at rainbows.'
 Mariah Carey, before entering rehab in 2001

 

'Desert Storm was a stirring victory for the forces of
aggression and lawlessness.'
- Vice President Dan Quayle

 

Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.

Man forced to marry four wives in six months

A Saudi man is in hospital after his divorced parents forced him to marry four times within six months. The battle began when the father insisted the boy should marry a girl from his side of the family.

The mother retaliated by ordering him to wed a girl from her side, reports Arab News quoting Al-Watan daily.
But the father wasn't happy with the balance of power and insisted on a third wife from his side, to show who was boss.
The mother, not to be outdone, then demanded that her son include another wife from her side of the family.

The son has now been admitted to a hospital for psychological treatment. He is refusing to see his parents or his wives. 

 


True Story

Piercing Insights

 

The world record for the number of body piercings on one
individual is 702, which is held by Canadian Brent Moffat.
Although they may be more visible, virtually 'in your face'
today, body piercings are nothing new. They're just a revival of
old traditions and the borrowing of a few odd ones to combine
into one fashion statement that says...something about your pain
tolerance level.

Evidence of nose piercing can be traced back to the Middle East
of 4,000 years ago, and even appear in the Bible when Abraham
sends out a servant in Genesis 24:22 to find a wife for his son.
The servant returned with Rebekah, who apparently was so
satisfactory, that Abraham gave her 'a golden earring'. However,
the Hebrew word used, 'shanf', also translates to 'nose ring'.
For the Berber tribes of Africa, this is still a tradition, with
a rich groom providing a larger ring.

The practice appeared in India, likely as the result of
travelling Moghuls. There, it became the norm for the left
nostril to be pierced, and sometimes the ring would be attached
to the ear by a fine chain. Occasionally both nostrils were
pierced, but for women, the left was most important, as in
Ayurveda medicine, this is related to the female reproductive
system, and is reputed to ease the pains of childbirth.

Hippies of the modern era brought the fashion back from India,
after visiting mystics in the 1960s. As a fashion it waned for a
bit, and then bounced back with the punk movement, who used
nose, and then other body piercings as a symbol of rebellion
against conservative mores.

That would make Brent Moffatt of Winnipeg, Canada, the most
rebellious of all. The former tattoo parlor employee, has twice
set Guiness World Records for body piercings with surgical
needles. The last was in December of 2003, when he inserted 900
needles in his body. And then took them out. Ouch.

  

 

True Story 2.  

 

History Doesn't Come Cheap
Parts of the Dead Sea Scrolls appeared for sale in the
June 1, 1954 issue of the Wall Street Journal.
For records of civilization we rely on what those
generations before us left behind. Sometimes that is
only in the bits and pieces of their daily lives, like
pottery from which scientists can determine the
contents of wine from thousands of years ago. In more
spectacular cases, we are actually left with their
words in the form of manuscripts that have survived the
ages. The most renowned of these are the Dead Sea
Scrolls, which date from somewhere between the last two
centuries B.C. and the first century A.D.

Between 1947 and 1956, in a place called Qumran, 13
miles east of Jerusalem by the Dead Sea, 11 caves
yielded what have come to be known as the Dead Sea
Scrolls, perhaps the most historically important
documents in the Christian world. A shepherd,
attempting to scare out a goat, threw a stone into a
cave high on the side of a cliff and was rewarded with
the sound of breaking pottery. When he climbed up, he
discovered pots that contained scrolls wrapped in
linen.

That first cave yielded only four small documents
related to Genesis, community rule and other guidelines
for the Jewish life. Subsequent scrolls in the other
caves contained multiple copies of both biblical and
other texts, including all books of the Bible except
Esther. Some were nearly complete, having been written
in a carbon based ink on animal skin, papyrus, and
sometimes, copper, before they were stored in the
pottery jars.

Initially, only the materials from the first few caves
were photographed and/or examined by experts. The
documents from the first cave fell into the hands of
one Mar Samuel, who had them examined by an expert who
later tried to buy them. The sale did not go through.
Then in 1954, an ad appeared in the June 1 edition of
the Wall Street Journal, offering those same scrolls
for sale. History did not come cheap. The small
fragments were eventually purchased for $250,000.

 

Humour.   

Church Bulletin Board

The Fasting &  Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon  this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for  Jesus.'
--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage  sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the  house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in  prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to  love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.  
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the  Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I  will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation..  
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't  know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next  Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can  get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were  married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their  school days..
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on  Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.  
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon  topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice  
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed  due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some  older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans,  bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple  children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the  envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.  
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine  dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.  
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer  and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the  Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement  on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM  there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.. Bring a  blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies  Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to  lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.  
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies  of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake  breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem  Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-  -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting  Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation  is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight  Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use  large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The  Associate Minister unveiled the church 's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I  Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.' Thanks to Leo via Martin Mueller for the above

They Walk Among Us!
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
> To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
> sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
> For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
> He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
> So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
>
> The next day someone stole it!
>
> They walk amongst us!
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----
>
> *One day I was walking down the beach with
> some friends when someone shouted....
> 'Look at that dead bird!'
> Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
>
> They walk among us!
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----
> While looking at a house, my brother asked the
> estate agent which direction was north because
> he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
> She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?'
> My brother explained that the sun rises in the East
> and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
> 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------
> My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
> when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
> sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
> She drove down in a convertible, but said
> she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
> because the car was moving.'
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> -------
> My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
> which is designed to cut through a seat belt
> if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ---------
> I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
> with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
> My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
> out every time she turns her head!'
> I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
> remain the same distance apart no
> matter which way the head is turned...
>
> They Walk Among Us !
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------
> I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and.
> went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
> The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
> because she was a trained professional and
> said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
> 'has your plane arrived yet?'...
> (I work with professionals like this.)
>
> They Walk Among Us!
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------
> While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
> ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
> the cook asked him if he would like it cut
> into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
> then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
> enough to eat 6 pieces.
>
> They Walk Among Us!
>
> And last, but not least:
>
>
>
> Dumb as a box of Rocks
>
> A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where
> the past governor from up north happened to appear. She took the
> opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question
> with which he was most at ease.
> 'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a
> mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
> 'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which
> anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that
> puts you on the track.'
> 'What sort of question?' she asked.
> Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world
> and died during one of them. Which one?''
> The gov thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You
> wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I
> don't know much about history.'
>
>
> Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote, and their vote equals
> ours, and most frightening, they also reproduce!
>

 

 

Mistaken Identity.
A man is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big 'hello'.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, 'Sorry, do you know me?'

She replies, 'I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children'

The man’s mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,  'Blimey!' he says, 'Did we meet on Frank’s stag do in Newport?  He continued, 'When I got out of the police station and got back to the hotel room you had gone.'

No, 'she replies, 'I'm your son's English Teacher'

 

Half Wit

 

Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied old John, 'There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied old rancher John.

Never Felt Better -
In a court in Tralee, deep in County Kerry, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:

Lawyer: 'At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Brien, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?'

O'Brien the farmer: 'That's right, sir.'

Lawyer: 'Well then, Mr O'Brien, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?'

O'Brien the farmer: 'When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.'

Foul Mouths

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,' retorted the lady indignantly. 'In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'
.' 

 

VIP

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when
a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: 'Who is in the limo, the mayor?'
The policeman told him: 'No, someone more important than the mayor.'

Then the chief asked 'Is it the governor?'
The policeman answered: 'No, someone more important than the governor.'

The chief finally asked: 'Is it the President?'
The policeman answered: 'No, someone even more important than the President.'

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: 'Now who is more important than the President?!'
The policeman calmly wispered: 'I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur.' 

Bright Sparks?

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or
higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San
Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While
dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper
and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap
the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the
implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with
a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty
saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their
solution.

'Ma'am,' they said, 'we couldn't help but notice that the pepper
shaker contains salt and the salt shaker...'

'Oh,' the waitress interrupted. 'Sorry about that.' She
unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

Only in America - Allegedly true food story from the USA

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.

After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlour with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital:

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my chequebook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't , think so. *Click*

 

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