News

Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH  Wednesday Feb 10th 2010

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.     

 

Leinster GAA News
 Tweaking of rules not envisaged, say GAA

 GAELIC GAMES NEWS: THERE WON'T be any tweaking of the GAA's experimental playing rules ahead of Congress in April, where they'll be voted on - individually - to determine whether they're carried forward.

Given the first weekend of the Allianz National Football League went off with the minimum of fuss regarding the implementation of the rules, it would appear some if not all will become a permanent feature of the game.

Some managers and players had made suggestions in recent weeks about how certain rules should or could be modified, but according to Séamus Woods, who chaired the Football Rules Committee that drew up the proposals, they are, at least for now, set in stone.

'The proposals that will go to Congress will be as are,' says Woods. 'As in adopted by Central Council, in December, and are now in the public domain. If you think about it, referees have been trained, players have been programmed, along with managers and coaches, etc. So to start making adjustments midstream would be impractical, unless it was something minuscule.'

Last year, the experimental disciplinary rules regarding yellow-card offences were slightly modified ahead of Congress in an effort to increase the chances of them being voted into the rules. That resulted from the considerable fuss created by players and managers during the league, although as it turned, those rules were ultimately seen as just a little too radical to be written into rule. (Although approved by 177-100, the proposals failed by eight votes to secure the necessary two-thirds majority.) These playing rules, so far, haven't caused nearly as much fuss:

'From my perspective, from day one, there was nothing revolutionary about these proposals,' says Woods.

'They are simply evolutionary. The game has been evolving, over the last decade or so, and this is some evolution in the playing rules to take account of that. And that was the very prompting of them. So far we'd be content that it's almost been a seamless transition.'

Among the concerns raised by managers regarding the experimental rules was to do with the conclusion of play, at both half-time and full-time, whereby the referee cannot now blow up for time until the ball has gone out over the boundary line. The suggestion there was that the game would be better served if the referee some way signalled it was to be the last play of the game - but according to Woods that would go against the purpose of the proposal. 'That was never going to happen. If the referee does give that indication, that in itself is an invitation for the team in possession to put the ball dead, cynically. That wasn't the purpose, and referees have been instructed not to give any information, or confirmation, to any player, or any team, that the whistle is about to go.

'As it is, when there is additional time at the end of a match, it is always announced there is at least two minutes, or at least three minutes.

'During the course of that certain things can happen. You could have substitutions, or injury, so that two minutes becomes four, or the three become five, or whatever. But there is no indication to anybody that that is the case, so that avoids the cynical, or self-interested tactic of just putting the ball dead, as happens in rugby.

'That shouldn't happen here, and referees, at their weekend seminar two weeks ago, in preparation for the National Leagues, were specifically instructed that there was to be no such indication given. That would deface the proposal. We don't want that cynical ending of the game.'

The experimental rule regarding the catch from the kick-out - more popularly known as the 'mark' - was already the subject of some clarification from Croke Park, where it was pointed out that a free kick will not automatically be the result of a clean catch - if advantage exists. It's still early days, but again it appears the new rule has had minimal impact on the game, for better or for worse; and that, says Woods, was the expectation.

'What we wanted to see happen was that the referee plays advantage when the player, who fields the ball, has the space and time to either deliver it, or run with it. Just the same as he implements it in any other free or foul situation. In the case of high fielding, we're asking the referee to make the same judgment.

'The reality is the 'marks' are comparatively few in number. But the purpose of the exercise, with this particular proposal, was to propagate, to cultivate, that great skill, and to eliminate the situation where the person who accomplished the skill was, within seconds, being penalised for holding the ball too long. And there were regular instances of that in recent years.'

Sash Notes

Many thanks to all who turned up last Saturday for the cleanup day at the clubhouse.

The Minor Football leagues commence on Sunday next 14th February at 11.45am. The Minor A team are at home to St. Coca's and the Minor B team will play away to Raheens. In the Aldridge Cup the Senior team have been drawn in a group with St Laurences, Naas and Suncroft. The first game on Saturday 20th February will see Sarsfields play County Champions St Laurences. In the Dowling Cup the Senior B team have been drawn in a group with Rathcoffey, St Laurences and Celbridge. The first game on Saturday 20th February will see Sarsfields play St Laurences.

            If any club member wishes to use the Club Gym please contact Secretary John
Holden 087 2872208. to obtain a Gym Fob ( once off cost of €10 ). All team managers are asked to send on preferred training times to club secretary for the coming season as the training pitch roster is being finalised shortly. For any issues relating to health and safety please contact The Club Health and Safety Officer Vincent Miller 087 7998433. 

If any club member is interested in helping out as a steward at Kildare matches in St Conleths Park please contact Club Secretary John Holden 087 2872208 as soon as possible

A Referees Foundation course over 3 nights organised by the Kildare County Board will commence on Wednesday 17th February in St Conleths Park. If any club member is interested in attending this course please contact Club Secretary John Holden 087 2872208 as soon as possible. The other nights for the course are Tuesday 23rd Feb and Thursday 25th Feb. Anne Nolan Dempsey has been appointed as the Club Liaison & Welfare officer for the coming year.

All team managers are asked to send on preferred training times to the club secretary for the coming season as the training pitch roster is being finalised shortly.

 

 

 

Club Membership
 
Club Membership for all sections is now due. Contact Registrar Kathleen
(Ollie) Ryan 086 6264115

The new membership rates are as follows:

Adult Member €60

Adult Player €120 (includes €60 player contribution)

Student Player €90  (includes €60 player contribution)

Unemployed Player €70 (includes €60 player contribution)

Retired Member €10

Juvenile Member (Kindergarten to Under 9) €30

Juvenile Member ( Under 10 to Under 18) €60  (includes €30 player
contribution)

Family Membership €70 + players levies


 

 

 

 

GAA Respect Initiative

 

The GAA has unveiled a new Respect Initiative aimed at fostering a new approach of fair play, mutual respect and goodwill to Gaelic football and hurling across all grades. The scheme, which has been piloted in a number of counties to date, will be rolled out nationally amongst all units, at Under 12 level, in the coming months. A specific programme has been devised with clearly defined roles of responsibility for all of the key participants in our games including players, coaches, parents/guardians, managers and match officials.

Key aspects of the programme include:
*

The full implementation of the GAA Code of Best Practice
* Club Information Evenings
* Coach and Referee Education Programmes
* Designated Spectator Areas at Club games - including juvenile matches
*

Adoption of GAA Go Games Policy
*

National Marketing Programme
*

Recognition and Merit Awards

GAA President Críostóir Ó Cuana lent his support to what he described as one of the most important initiatives the GAA will launch this year.

He said: 'We will have many significant announcements to make over the course of 2010 but few will surpass todays in terms of importance and the potential for positive change to our games and the environment they are played in.

'We all have a role to play in this and it begins at underage level in our clubs
where parents gather to watch and support their children.

'We are realistic enough to know that this is something that we can't tackle overnight. However that doesn't mean that we can't make a difference from
today
and I believe that this programme will make a real and meaningful difference on the field of play and along the sidelines where respect for ourselves and everyone else involved in our games is of paramount importance.'

The GAA also announced details of a Fair Play Index which will see Fair Play League Tables produced over the duration of this year's Allianz National Leagues.

Teams with the least amount of red and yellow cards will be positioned in the higher reaches of the table and an award will be made at the end of the competition to the team or teams with the least amount of disciplinary transgressions.

For further information contact GAA Communications Manager Alan Milton on
01 8658615 or Micheál Martin on 01 8658696

 

 

Kildare’s Leinster Senior, U21 and Minor Fixtures for 2010

 

 

 Leinster Senior football Championship.

 

 



FIRST ROUND

 

Louth v Longford

23.05.2010

 

 

Wicklow v Carlow

16.05.2010

 

 

Meath v Offaly

23.05.2010

 

 

QUARTER-FINALS

 

 

 

Louth/Longford v Kildare

05.06.2010

Navan/Tullamore

 

Wicklow/Carlow v Westmeath

06.06.2010

 

 

Meath/Offaly v Laois

13.06.2010

Croke Park

 

Wexford v Dublin

13.06.2010

Croke Park

 

SEMI-FINALS

 

 

 

Louth/Longford/Kildare v Wicklow/Carlow/Westmeath

26.06.2010

 Note Saturday 26th. venue

To be announced 

 

Meath/Offaly/Laois v Wexford/Dublin

27.06.2010

 

 

CRAOBH

11.07.2010

Croke Park

 

 

 

 Leinster U21 Football Championship

U-21 Football

Date

Venue

1. Offaly v Carlow

21.02.2010

Tullamore

2. 1 v Kilkenny

06.03.2010

Tullamore/Carlow

3. Louth v Wexford

20.02.2010

Drogheda

4. 3 v Dublin

06.03.2010

Drogheda/Wexford

5. Westmeath v Kildare

20.02.2010

Mullingar

6. 5 v Meath

06.03.2010

Mullingar/Newbridge

7. Wickow v Longford

21.02.2010

Aughrim

8. 7 v Laois

06.03.2010

Aughrim/Longford

9. 2 v 4

17.03.2010

Home Venue 2

10. 6 v 8

17.03.2010

Home Venue 6

FINAL: 9 v 10

04.04.2010

Home Venue 9

 

 

 

 Leinster Minor Football Championship

Minor Football

Date

Venue

1. Wicklow v Wexford

17.04.2010

Aughrim

2. Carlow v Westmeath

17.04.2010

Carlow

3. Louth v Laois

17.04.2010

Drogheda

4. Kildare v Dublin

17.04.2010

Newbridge

5. Offaly v Longford

17.04.2010

Tullamore

6. Meath v Kilkenny

17.04.2010

Navan

LOSERS SECTION

 

 

7. Loser 5 v Loser 1

24.04.2010

Home Venue Loser 5

8. 7 v Loser 2 = A

08.05.2010

Home Venue 7

9. Loser 4 v Loser 3

24.04.2010

Home Venue Loser 4

10. 9 v Loser 6 = B

08.05.2010

Home Venue 9

QUARTER-FINALS

 

 

11. 6 v 5

22.05.2010

Home Venue 6

12. 3 v 1

22.05.2010

Home Venue 3

13. A v 2

22.05.2010

Home Venue A

14. 4 v B

22.05.2010

Home Venue 4

SEMI-FINALS

 

 

15. 11 v 12

26.06.2010 (30.06.2010)

Home Venue 11

16. 13 v 14

26.06.2010 (30.06.2010)

Home Venue 13

CRAOBH: 15 v 16

11.07.2010

Croke Park

 

 Kildare’s National Football League And Hurling Fixtures

First team out has home advantage.

 Full fixtures: NFL Division 2:  All Sunday games at 2.30. Saturday games at 7.30 under lights – Rnd 1: Sunday, February 7, Kildare -v- Down; Rnd 2: Saturday, February 13, Tipperary -v- Kildare Thurles under lights at 7.30; Rnd 3: Sunday, March 7, Kildare -v- Donegal; Rnd 4: Sunday, March 14, Armagh -v- Kildare; Rnd 5: Sunday, March 21, Kildare -v- Westmeath; Rnd 6: Saturday, March 27 – Laois -v- Kildare under lights at 7.30; Rnd 7: Sunday, April 11, Meath -v- Kildare.

NHL Division 2 – Rnd 1: Sunday, February 21, Laois -v- Kildare; Rnd 2: Sunday, February 28, Kildare -v- Antrim; Rnd 3: Saturday, March 13 – Westmeath -v- Kildare; Rnd 4: Saturday, March 20 – Kildare -v- Down; Rnd 5: Sunday, March 28, Wexford -v- Kildare; Rnd 6: Sunday, April 4, Kildare -v- Carlow; Rnd 7: Sunday, April 18, Kildare -v- Clare.

National Football League Fixtures This Weekend Feb 13/14th.

 

13.02.2010 (Sat)
Allianz GAA Football National League
Round 2
Roinn I
Páirc Ui Rinn 7.30pm Corcaigh v Ciarraí Setanta Ireland
Referee: Maurice Deegan (Laois)

Parnell PK 7.30pm Áth Cliath v Doire Setanta 1
Referee: Padraig Hughes (Ard Mhacha)

Roinn II
Páirc Esler 7.30pm An Dún v An Mhí
Newry Referee: Joe McQuillan (An Cabhán)

Thurles 7.30pm Tiobraid Árann v Cill Dara
Referee: Aidan Mangan (Ciarraí)

Roinn III
Brewster PK, 7.30pm Fear Manach v Ros Comáin
Enniskillen Referee: Seamus McGonigle (Dún na nGall)

Kingspan 7.30pm An Cabhán v Aontroim
Breffni PK Referee: Robert O'Donnell (Dún na nGall)

Roinn IV
Gaelic 7.30pm Luimneach v Ceatharlach
Grounds Referee: Padraig O'Sullivan (Cirarraí)

 14.02.010 (Sun)
Allianz GAA Football National League
Round 2
Roinn I
Pearse Stadium 2.30pm Gaillimh v Muineachán
Referee: Derek Fahy (Longfort)

Omagh 2.30pm Tír Eoghain v Maigh Eo TG4 (Deferred)
Referee: Jimmy White (Dún na nGall)

Roinn II
Ballyshannon 2.00pm Dún na nGall v Laois
Referee: Michael Duffy (Sligeach)

Crossmaglen 2.30pm Ard Mhacha v An Iarmhi
Referee: Martin Higgins (Fear Manach)

Roinn III
Wexford PK 2.30pm Loch Garman v Uíbh Fhailí
Referee: Maurice Condon (Port Láirge)

Markievicz PK 2.30pm Sligeach v An Lú
Referee: Eamon O'Grady (Liatroim)

Roinn IV
Aughrim 2.30pm Cill Mhantáin v Liatroim
Referee: Eddie Kinsella (Laois)

Nowlan PK 2.30pm Cill Chainnigh v An Clár
Referee: Damien Brazil (Uíbh Fhailí)

Fraher Field, 1.00pm Port Láirge v Londain
Dungarvan Referee: Derek O'Mahoney (Tiobraid Árann)

Longfort v Bye

 

 Manager Required


 
Applications for Manager of Junior the B footballers now being sought. If Interested please contact Chairman Brendan Ryan 087
9345109  or  Secretary John Holden 087 2872208

 

 

 

 

Camogie Manager Required

 

Sarsfields Camogie

We are looking for a new manager for 2010. If anyone is interested could
they please let me know on 087 2963212.
 I would also like to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to our
manager for the last couple of years Joe Murray who will not be taking
the position next year.His commitment and dedication could not be
faulted and was much appreciated. Also thank you to Lynda McNamee and
Dan Whelan who thankfully will still be involved next year.
 
Contact 
Paula Earley
087 2963212.

 

Underage Camogie & Hurling Training.
 
Indoor training starts from Thursday the 4th of Feb in the Patrician Brothers School Hall Newbridge from 7pm to 8pm for under 9 or up to 3rd class.
€2 per child.
 
All Outdoor Underage Hurling & Camogie training starts back in Sarsfields on Thursday 25th of March from 6pm to 7pm.
 
That's U8, U10, U12 & U14. Boys & Girls.

For more information contact Denise McGann on - 087-2873096

 

 

 

Support The Sash with Vodafone

Sign up to the Vodafone Support Your GAA Club programme to donate 5% of
your Pay Monthly bill or Top Up to Sarsfields – without it costing you a
single cent! Contact Shane Campbell or visit the Vodafone web site.

More Stupid Quotes.   

 

'I don't think anybody should write his autobiography until after he's dead.'
- Samuel Goldwyn

 

'I deserve respect for the things I did not do.'
- J. Danforth Quayle

 

'The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.'
- Mel Gibson after being arrested for drunk driving.

 

'I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'
- Arnold Schwarzenegger 

 

'Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where
you figure out 2 plus 2 is 10, or something.'
-
Dennis Rodman 

 

'I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president.'
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
  documents.

 

Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News. 

 

 Strange Story of the Cigars.

A man from Charlotte, North Carolina, having purchased a case of very expensive cigars, insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile, the man filed a claim against the insurance company, stating that the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires'.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason tha
t
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued  and won.

In delivering the ruling the judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be 'unacceptable fire', and was obliged to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost 'in the fires'.

After he cashed the cheque, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.  

 

No Artistic Licence.

NEW YORK  It seems the only nudes allowed at New York City's
Metropolitan Museum of Art are the ones in the collection.

Police say they arrested a 26-year-old woman who was posing
naked for a photographer, and in full view of visitors, in the
museum's arms and armour department on Wednesday.

Model Kathleen 'K.C.' Neill faces a charge of public lewdness.

Defense attorney Donald Schechter says the museum is full of
nude art, and to call what the model and her photographer were
doing obscenity 'is ridiculous.'

Photographer Zach Hyman directed the shoot. He's been getting
some attention locally for photographing nude models on subways.

Hyman has said he's inspired by nude paintings at the Met and
his photos are not pornographic.

Funny Shop Names  

There's a mobile snack caravan on Dartmoor England named :
'The Hound of the Basket Meals'.

There is a bakery in Sutton, England called 'Agatha Crustie'.

In Turnham Green, Chiswick we find a dry cleaner called 'Turn 'em Clean'

'A Pane in the Glass' is the name of a glazier's in New York State, USA.

one in Croydon London named 'The Vinyl Frontier'; a shop which sells second hand records;

Another example is a restaurant in Belfast called 'Thai Tanic'.

Teddy bear shop in Penge called 'Bearly Trading'.

Fish and chip shop in Santa Ponsa, Mallorca named 'Oh My Cod'.

 A bakery in Albert Road, Southsea called 'Upper Crustie'.

Guy has savoured the hake and chips at a shop called: 'A Fish called Rhondda'. We were on our way to Caerphilly and found the chippy in Ton Pentre, South Wales.

Would you believe a driving school in the Merseyside area called 'L Passo'. ]

Fruit, vegetable and flower shop in Aylsham and Reepham, Norfolk goes by the name of 'Meloncaulie Rose'.

Barbers shop named 'Herr Kutz'.

Knockin, in Shropshire has to have a 'Knockin Shop' naturally. What it sells is not given.

There is, apparently, a mobile snack bat in Cornwall, England which goes by the name of, 'The Star Chip Enterprise.'

There was an Indian restaurant in Radford, Nottingham, England which went under the name of ' Balti Towers'.

On a butcher's van on Dartmoor - 'Tor to Tor Delivery.'

A hire van company in Kent called 'Van Gough'.

I am led to believe that in Dulmen, Germany, there is a flower shop named 'Blumen Ecke'.



Between Tenby and Pembroke can be found a specialist horticultural nursery boasting a sign reading:
'Your fuchsia is in our hands.' [

In Havant, Hants, UK a greetings card shop can be found that goes by the name of 'Havant Forgotten'.

There is a whole-food shop in Argyll called 'Oban Sesame'.

Drop your pants here, and you will receive prompt attention. Sign on a laundrette.

 

Some things to Ponder

Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is
prohibited there?

* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

* Why is abbreviation such a long word?

* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

* Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

* What was the best thing before sliced bread?


* How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?

* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

* If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

 

 

True Story  

Murderous Boss

 

The first Emperor of China, Ch'in Shih Huang-Ti, imposed tough
laws. If a member of the public works team did now show up on
time, his entire team would be executed.

 You think that your boss is tough? Be glad you weren't a worker
in China, in 247B.C. That's when the 13-year old prince Ying
Zheng ascended the throne. But this was no uncertain adolescent.
He had already been well-schooled in how to rule, and would soon
show the world around him that he meant business.

By the time he was 25, the man who would re-name himself Ch'in
Shih Huang-Ti (First Emperor), had stamped out opposition in all
the surrounding states, and linked their walls together to
create one country, and the Great Wall of China.

Zheng accomplished a great deal in a very short time, through
the strictest and most expedient way of ruling- his way or
death. When a municipal worker was late to the job, his entire
crew was executed. While bridging the gaps in what would become
the Great Wall, he sent 500,000 conscripts to the North with one
of his generals. The workers were driven so hard, on his orders,
that their bodies served as foundations in the trench the wall
was built upon.

Chinese scholars disapproved of his actions, to their own peril.
On the advice of his prime minister, Zheng had all books,
artwork and other records prior to his reign, burned, if they
did not agree with his philosophies. Although copies were kept
for posterity in the Imperial Library. But even those were lost
in the upheaval that followed the Emperor's death in 210B.C.

At least he did not take live soldiers to the grave. Instead, he
took an army of 6,000 lifesize terra cotta soldiers, each one
meticulously crafted and decorated with the costume and weapons
of various regiments and positions. Although it is rumored that
the workers who made the soldiers, and placed them in battle
formation in the ground, were killed to prevent anyone revealing
where they had been buried.

 

True Story 2.   

The Left Overs

There was a time in Japan where a wife being left handed was a
ground for divorce.
Being left-handed has always been something of a mixed blessing.
With it came the stigmas of age old beliefs that it indicated a
tendency to evil and criminal behavior, while at the same time,
left-handed people have been some of the greatest creative and
scientific minds in various fields. So what does one have to do
with the other?

Left-handed geniuses and notable figures that have appeared over
time include Joan of Arc, Pharaoh Ramses II, Alexander the
Great, Julius Caesar, Napoleon, Queen Victoria of England,
author Lewis Caroll, novelist Mark Twain, sculptor
Michaelangelo, and artistLeonardo Da Vinci. It did not seem that
any of them came from notably creative or unusually intelligent
parents. Nor was there a hereditary history of being left-
handed.

A 1976 Canadian study, updated in 1992, confirmed the results of
many other testings done in the 20th century: that the chances
of being left-handed had little to do with genetics. When the
father was left-handed, the chance of like offspring was one in
ten. For mothers who were left-handed, the chances increased to
two in ten. And if both parents were left-handed, the likelihood
of left-handed children was only four in ten, which meant that
right-handedness would still be dominant.

What has emerged through scientific study over the years, is a
theory that those who are left-handed, are utilizing more of the
right side of their brain, the hemisphere that is also
responsible for thought and perception. The enhanced activity
here, may in fact promote a person's ability to perceive things
differently, and to incorporate more information when making a
decision.

A 2004 study out of Vanguard University in Southern California,
is one of the more recent scientific papers to support this
theory. In it, they determined that those who have a strong
'mindedness', in other words, whose thinking and actions
were
dominated almost totally by one side of the brain, were more
likely to have rigid and strong beliefs in the Biblical creation
of humans.

Theoretically then, most Biblical creationist believers should
be right-handed, since left-handed people are often 'double
sided' to some degree, using both the left and right hemispheres
of their brains. That two-sided thinking allows for more
pathways of thought, information gathering, and analysis of the
results.

Sadly, even after we were out of the Dark Ages, people who were
left-handed continued to be punished for what nature had thrust
upon them. In the 20th century, children were still getting
their knuckles rapped by teachers for not using the right hand,
and even in China, if a woman was discovered to be left-handed,
it was grounds for divorce.

 

 

Humour.    

 

 

WALKING THE DOG 
 

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane.
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney
Along the way. The flight attendant explained that
There would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
To get off the aircraft the plane would re-board
In 50 minutes. 

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was
Blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and
Could tell the lady was blind because her Guide
Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her
Throughout the entire flight. 

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before
Because the pilot approached her, and calling her by
Name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost
An hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would
Like to stretch his legs.'
 


Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill

When they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane
With a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
 
People scattered.
 
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Thanks to Leo Kennedy for this one 

 

The John Terry Affair(s)

 

JT has signed up to star in a new TV show. It's called Other Footballers' Wives.
  Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone. When questioned by police as to why he was speeding, he said: 'l've just heard JT is parked outside my house!'

England manager Fabio Capello phoned Wayne Bridge and said: 'JT's lost the captain's armband. Can you do me a favour and have a good look under your bed for it?'


So JT was sleeping with Wayne Bridge's girl. Poor old Wayne - he wasn't even first choice with his missus.

It's a good thing JT doesn't bring all his girlfriends to watch him play every match. Abramovich would have to increase the capacity of Stamford Bridge by 20,000.


Newsflash just in: 'Bridge close to collapsing in Manchester. Support needed.'

So JT has been caught stealing another man's girl. I bet his old mum will be so proud he's learned something from her.


Somebody bought me a box of Terry's All Gold. I was shocked to find new chocs called French Fancy and Cheat Cluster.

What have Wayne's ex-missus and the 2008 Champions League final goalpost got in common? They've both been banged by JT.


John Terry, former Dad Of The Year.
Kerry Katona, former Mum Of The Year.

I bet Ronnie Wood is polishing his Grandad Of The Year award right now.


The England team have voted for Terry to keep his place in the World Cup squad. With the ban on WAGs travelling to South Africa, no one wants him left behind.

(To the tune of Lord Of The Dance) 'Chelsea, wherever they may be, 'Don't leave your bird with John Terry.
'Cos he likes a shag, he likes a bit of fluff, 'And he'll get your missus up the duff!'

Did you know JT has scored 28 times at the Bridge? Nah, nor did Wayne.

What's John Terry's favourite song? Under The Bridge.

Wayne asked Vanessa Perroncel if she'd ever cheated on him. She confessed she had - three times. 'THREE!' He cried. 'When?'


She said: 'Remember no one would give you a mortgage, then the bank manager came to see me and agreed it? Then the time you needed that leg operation and it was too tricky so the doc refused - until he came to see me and then you were sorted?

'Then the third time was when you really, really wanted to be made captain of Chelsea and you were those ten votes short... '

Wayne sent his missus a replica of his willy made from Cadbury's chocolate. But she refused it, saying she prefers Terry's!

Bridge refuses to play for England while John Terry's captain...let's hope he starts cheating with Heskey's missus too.

 Thanks to Leo’s nephew Martin Muller for this one

 

The definition of Cricket as explained to an American:
 
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.

 

Computer Relationships

It's Time to Re-Assess Your Relationship With Your Computer When .....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop at the computer to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people who have computers with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing 'com' after every period when using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your computer's email box shows 'no new messages' and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have non-descript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to 'Netscape' before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say 'LOL, LOL'

13. If your computer's internet connection goes down, you cannot settle to any other tasks.

14. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

 

 

 

Battle Dress

Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant
telling him, 'Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon.'

The captain tells the man,' Get my red coat and prepare for
battle!'

The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat
and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks
the captain why he wanted his red coat.

The captain tells the assistant 'If I was shot you would not be
able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting.'

The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the
assistant came to the captain, 'Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy
ships on the horizon!'

The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him
'Get me my brown pants!'

 

 

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