News

Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH  Wednesday Feb 3rd 2010

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.     

 

 

Sarsfields Awards Night.

 On this coming Saturday 6th February the Sarsfields awards night will be held in the clubhouse at 8.30pm. The Club Player of the Year awards will be presented to all adult teams in Football, Camogie and Hurling and county medals will also be presented to the Camogie and Hurling teams and the two Junior football teams who were all victorious. There will be a special award for Noelle Earley who received an All star and made history along with Dermot to become the first brother and sister in GAA history to receive All Star awards in the same year. Music by Jimmy Ruffley.

 

 

 

Maor Uisce Eric Thorpe to be sidelined?

 

NEED some water? Go fetch it yourself..

That's the scenario facing GAA players if a proposal from Croke Park is accepted and thousands of Maor Uisce’s all over the country will be made redundant including our own beloved Mr Sarsfields, Eric Thorpe. When contacted by the Sash this week Eric was out running with his beloved greyhounds in preparation for this week’s racing and was unavailable for comment which must be a first for Eric. Hoewever he issued a press statement later through his new press agent Tom Whelan in which he said that he hoped that the GAA would reconsider their position for the sake of his colleagues around the county and throughout the country.

“In my case it doesn’t affect me personally as I have appointed myself to Sean O’Sullivan’s management team anyway which will be a great boost for Sean and the lads. Sean rang me to personally congratulate me on my decision to return to the senior management set up. I have appointed Tom Whelan as my press agent as I will be too busy this year beginning with the Alderidge Cup to talk to the press. Tommy Callaghan and Brendan Coffey will just have to go through my press agent. I might however give an interview before the championship when I have assessed how the team is shaping up and maybe  during the championship I will give some joint interviews with Sean. All I will say now is that we’ll be (the management team) singing from the same hymn sheet and the lads will be kicking from the same pitch. That’s for sure. I have also helped Ross Dunphy to implement my revolutionary new training methods for the team which have made me such an extraordinarily successful greyhound trainer.”

Maor Uisce to be sidelined

 

 

By MARTIN BREHENY

A ban on water-carriers running onto the pitch is being sought by the Competitions Control Committee (CCC) in an attempt to reduce the amount of traffic intruding onto the playing area.

Up to now, three water-carriers per team were allowed, leading to the possibility of six extra bodies dashing onto the pitch at any one time.

That was regarded as unsightly and occasionally provocative. Indeed, there were occasions when water-carriers became involved in incidents with opposing players.

Under the new proposal, the number of water-carriers will be increased to four but they must remain on the sideline while thirsty player visit them.

It's a proposal that's likely to meet with opposition among players, especially from those in central positions, who would have to make a fairly lengthy journey for a refreshing top-up.

Managers are facing new restrictions too, with a proposal to prevent them standing just behind the sideline, as has always been the case. Instead, it's planned to have a second line a metre back from the sideline, behind which the managers would operate.

The change is designed to make life easier for linesmen, who regularly have to run behind managers, many of whom like to have their toes parked firmly on the sideline as they study the unfolding action.

If the CCC plan is adopted the linesmen will have a special lane to themselves with managers further back.

Managers were informed of the CCC proposals at a meeting with Croke Park officials on Tuesday night and were apparently less than impressed by the restrictions.

It now remains to be seen if CCC presses on with the proposals, which are designed to improve overall presentation of games.

 

Setanta deal edges GAA nearer to pay-per-view
By Martin Breheny

FOOTBALL supporters will have to pay extra to watch some Allianz National League games this spring as a form of pay-per-view reaches the GAA.

And while the GAA insists that it remains committed to free-to-air access as a core policy, there's growing concern that with pay-per-view becoming a rapidly-increasing feature of all sports coverage, Gaelic Games will not remain immune.

Five NFL games will be screened 'live' on a Setanta Sports subscription channel in February and March. They will run simultaneously with other 'live' games, also screened by Setanta, on a channel which is much more widely available.

Setanta has a contract with the GAA to show Saturday night League action, while TG4 screens Sunday games.

Setanta Ireland, which is available on basic cable and digital packages, will continue to show games at 7.30 on most Saturdays, but a second game will be shown at the same time on Setanta Sports 1, which is a subscription channel.

The first game on Setanta Sports 1 will be the Division 2 clash between Meath and Armagh in Navan on Saturday night week. Setanta Ireland will show Derry v Tyrone from Celtic Park at the same time. All games shown 'live' on Setanta Sports 1 will have a deferred viewing on Setanta Ireland at 9.0.

The GAA has always insisted that it would not do deals with pay-per-view channels, certainly for its main action and insist that remains the policy. However, criticisms have been raised at Congress over the last few years over the decision to allocate Saturday night League games to Setanta Ireland.

It was argued that Setanta was not available to many people using traditional means of accessing TV channels around the country. However, the GAA backed the Setanta deal as it widened the overall TV base which also includes RTE, TV3, TG4 and BBC.

GAA commercial director Dermot Power said that, in terms of GAA policy on TV coverage, it would be unfair to interpret the Setanta situation as a move towards pay-per-view.

'That can't be read into it. We have a contract with Setanta to screen Saturday night League games. They will not only be doing that, but are now offering two games at the same time on some Saturdays. If people don't want to watch a game on Setanta Sports 1 'live' at 7.30, all they have to do is wait until 9.0 when a deferred viewing will be screened. Meanwhile, they can watch a 'live' game as usual on Setanta Ireland at 7.30. The bottom line is that two games will be available on several Saturday nights,' he said.

Nonetheless, the fact remains that some games will be shown 'live' on a subscription channel, leading to fears that the trend could increase over the next few years.

Dublin fans will be worst hit as three of their games in February-March are down for Setanta Sports 1 screening, while only one (v Cork) will be on Setanta Ireland. Their clashes with Derry, Monaghan and Galway will all be on Setanta Sports 1. Cork will have four games on Setanta Ireland and none on Setanta 1.

The GAA's current TV deals are due to end with the 2011 National Leagues, which means that preliminary negotiations will get under way this year.

Meanwhile, the sponsorship contract for the All-Ireland hurling championship ends this year.

RTE will almost certainly not seek a renewal, while the position of Guinness and Etihad, the other two hurling sponsors, is not known.

The football sponsorship, involving Ulster Bank, Toyota and Vodafone, will run until the end of the 2011 season.

Power said the multi-sponsor system had worked well, but it would take at least five years to show maximum benefit for those involved.

'That's the history of this type of sponsorship. It takes time for re-branding to work. The championships were sponsored by Guinness and Bank of Ireland for so long it was inevitable the new system would take time to bed down.

'There's no doubt that there was a far greater brand awareness of our championship sponsors in the second year.'

Games 'live' on Setanta

Feb 6 -- NFL: Derry v Tyrone (Setanta Ireland), Meath v Armagh (*Setanta Sports 1)

Feb 13 -- NFL: Cork v Kerry (Setanta Ireland), Dublin v Derry (*Setanta Sports 1)

Feb 20 -- NHL: Tipperary v Kilkenny (Setanta Ireland).

Feb 27 -- NHL: Limerick v Cork (Setanta Ireland)

Mar 6 -- NFL: Cork v Galway (Setanta Ireland)

Mar 13 -- NFL: Tyrone v Cork (Setanta Ireland), Dublin v Monaghan (*Setanta Sports 1)

Mar 20 -- NFL: Cork v Dublin (Setanta Ireland), Down v Armagh (*Setanta Sports 1)

Mar 27 -- NFL: Tyrone v Kerry (Setanta Ireland), Dublin v Galway (*Setanta Sports 1)

·        Subscription channel 

Comment

 Pay Par View: The road of no return

So how long will it be before we have to watch championship games and the all Ireland finals via pay per view and/or deferred coverage? Once the GAA go down the pay for view route there will be no return. Despite the GAA denial that it will not succumb to pay per view it is fairly obvious that having some National Leagues  games on a pay for view during the coming season is a kite flying exercise; an attempt in getting the GAA public acclimatised to the notion of pay per view. 

 

GAA Respect Initiative

 

The GAA has unveiled a new Respect Initiative aimed at fostering a new approach of fair play, mutual respect and goodwill to Gaelic football and hurling across all grades. The scheme, which has been piloted in a number of counties to date, will be rolled out nationally amongst all units, at Under 12 level, in the coming months. A specific programme has been devised with clearly defined roles of responsibility for all of the key participants in our games including players, coaches, parents/guardians, managers and match officials.

Key aspects of the programme include:
*

The full implementation of the GAA Code of Best Practice
* Club Information Evenings
* Coach and Referee Education Programmes
* Designated Spectator Areas at Club games - including juvenile matches
*

Adoption of GAA Go Games Policy
*

National Marketing Programme
*

Recognition and Merit Awards

GAA President Críostóir Ó Cuana lent his support to what he described as one of the most important initiatives the GAA will launch this year.

He said: 'We will have many significant announcements to make over the course of 2010 but few will surpass todays in terms of importance and the potential for positive change to our games and the environment they are played in.

'We all have a role to play in this and it begins at underage level in our clubs
where parents gather to watch and support their children.

'We are realistic enough to know that this is something that we can't tackle overnight. However that doesn't mean that we can't make a difference from
today
and I believe that this programme will make a real and meaningful difference on the field of play and along the sidelines where respect for ourselves and everyone else involved in our games is of paramount importance.'

The GAA also announced details of a Fair Play Index which will see Fair Play League Tables produced over the duration of this year's Allianz National Leagues.

Teams with the least amount of red and yellow cards will be positioned in the higher reaches of the table and an award will be made at the end of the competition to the team or teams with the least amount of disciplinary transgressions.

For further information contact GAA Communications Manager Alan Milton on
01 8658615 or Micheál Martin on 01 8658696

Ladies and Camogie AGM’s

At the recent AGM of the Ladies section the following officers were elected: Chairperson  Paul English, Vice-Chairperson  Christy Horan,  Secretary Dema Houlihan, PRO Sarah Duignam, Registrar Noirin ni Simidh. Players rep Emma Hannon, County board reps Christy Horan and Noel Dinneny,  Child welfare officer Kathleen Ryan. Committee member Eamon Harnett Darren Kendrick, Ann Nolan and Sarah Houlihan. A meeting of the Ladies Senior Footballers will be held this Tuesday night to discuss plans for the coming season.

The Camogie section held their AGM last Wednesday night. Chairperson Paula Earley thanked Joe Murray for managing the Senior team in 2009 and also
appreciated the work done by Dan Whelan and Lynda McNamee.Liam O'Dwyer has been appointed new team manager in 2010. The following were officers elected for the coming season. Chairperson: Paula Earley, Secretary: Aileen O'Callaghan, Treasurer: Shane Campbell: P.R.O. Pauline O'Callaghan, Development Officer: Anne Marie Earley. Children's and Youth Officer: Ollie Ryan. Co. Board Delegate Paula Earley. Go Games Reps: Denise McGann and Fiona Sully.

 

 

 

Kildare’s Leinster Senior, U21 and Minor Fixtures for 2010

 

 

 Leinster Senior football Championship.

 

 



FIRST ROUND

 

Louth v Longford

23.05.2010

 

 

Wicklow v Carlow

16.05.2010

 

 

Meath v Offaly

23.05.2010

 

 

QUARTER-FINALS

 

 

 

Louth/Longford v Kildare

05.06.2010

Navan/Tullamore

 

Wicklow/Carlow v Westmeath

06.06.2010

 

 

Meath/Offaly v Laois

13.06.2010

Croke Park

 

Wexford v Dublin

13.06.2010

Croke Park

 

SEMI-FINALS

 

 

 

Louth/Longford/Kildare v Wicklow/Carlow/Westmeath

26.06.2010

 Note Saturday 26th. venue

To be announced 

 

Meath/Offaly/Laois v Wexford/Dublin

27.06.2010

 

 

CRAOBH

11.07.2010

Croke Park

 

 

 

 Leinster U21 Football Championship

U-21 Football

Date

Venue

1. Offaly v Carlow

21.02.2010

Tullamore

2. 1 v Kilkenny

06.03.2010

Tullamore/Carlow

3. Louth v Wexford

20.02.2010

Drogheda

4. 3 v Dublin

06.03.2010

Drogheda/Wexford

5. Westmeath v Kildare

20.02.2010

Mullingar

6. 5 v Meath

06.03.2010

Mullingar/Newbridge

7. Wickow v Longford

21.02.2010

Aughrim

8. 7 v Laois

06.03.2010

Aughrim/Longford

9. 2 v 4

17.03.2010

Home Venue 2

10. 6 v 8

17.03.2010

Home Venue 6

FINAL: 9 v 10

04.04.2010

Home Venue 9

 

 

 

 Leinster Minor Football Championship

Minor Football

Date

Venue

1. Wicklow v Wexford

17.04.2010

Aughrim

2. Carlow v Westmeath

17.04.2010

Carlow

3. Louth v Laois

17.04.2010

Drogheda

4. Kildare v Dublin

17.04.2010

Newbridge

5. Offaly v Longford

17.04.2010

Tullamore

6. Meath v Kilkenny

17.04.2010

Navan

LOSERS SECTION

 

 

7. Loser 5 v Loser 1

24.04.2010

Home Venue Loser 5

8. 7 v Loser 2 = A

08.05.2010

Home Venue 7

9. Loser 4 v Loser 3

24.04.2010

Home Venue Loser 4

10. 9 v Loser 6 = B

08.05.2010

Home Venue 9

QUARTER-FINALS

 

 

11. 6 v 5

22.05.2010

Home Venue 6

12. 3 v 1

22.05.2010

Home Venue 3

13. A v 2

22.05.2010

Home Venue A

14. 4 v B

22.05.2010

Home Venue 4

SEMI-FINALS

 

 

15. 11 v 12

26.06.2010 (30.06.2010)

Home Venue 11

16. 13 v 14

26.06.2010 (30.06.2010)

Home Venue 13

CRAOBH: 15 v 16

11.07.2010

Croke Park

 

 Kildare’s National Football League And Hurling Fixtures

First team out has home advantage.

 Full fixtures: NFL Division 2:  All Sunday games at 2.30. Saturday games at 7.30 under lights – Rnd 1: Sunday, February 7, Kildare -v- Down; Rnd 2: Saturday, February 13, Tipperary -v- Kildare Thurles under lights at 7.30; Rnd 3: Sunday, March 7, Kildare -v- Donegal; Rnd 4: Sunday, March 14, Armagh -v- Kildare; Rnd 5: Sunday, March 21, Kildare -v- Westmeath; Rnd 6: Saturday, March 27 – Laois -v- Kildare under lights at 7.30; Rnd 7: Sunday, April 11, Meath -v- Kildare.

NHL Division 2 – Rnd 1: Sunday, February 21, Laois -v- Kildare; Rnd 2: Sunday, February 28, Kildare -v- Antrim; Rnd 3: Saturday, March 13 – Westmeath -v- Kildare; Rnd 4: Saturday, March 20 – Kildare -v- Down; Rnd 5: Sunday, March 28, Wexford -v- Kildare; Rnd 6: Sunday, April 4, Kildare -v- Carlow; Rnd 7: Sunday, April 18, Kildare -v- Clare.

National Football League Fixtures This Weekend

06.02.2010 (Sat)
Allianz GAA Football National League
Round 1
Roinn I
Celtic PK 7.30pm Doire v Tír Eoghain Setanta Ireland
Referee: Pat McEnaney (Muineachán)

Roinn II
Portlaoise 7.30pm Laois v Tiobraid Árann

Referee: Pat Fox (An Iarmhí)

Páirc 7.30pm An Mhí v Ard Mhacha Setanta Sports 1
Tailteann Referee: Gearoid Ó Conamha (An Gaillimh)

07.02.010 (Sun)
Allianz GAA Football National League

Round 1

Roinn I

Killarney 2.30pm Ciarraí v Áth Cliath TG4

Referee: Rory Hickey (An Clár)

Scotstown 2.30pm Muineachán v Corcaigh
Referee: David Coldrick (An Mhí)

Castlebar 2.30pm Maigh Eo v Gaillimh TG4 (Deferred)
Referee: Marty Duffy (Sligeach)

Roinn II
Newbridge 2.30pm Cill Dara v An Dún

Referee: Derek Fahy (An Longfort)

Cusack PK 2.30pm An Iarmhí v Dún na nGall
Mullingar Referee: Cormac Reilly (An Mhí)

Roinn III
Tullamore 2.30pm Uíbh Fhailí v Fear Manach

Referee: Syl Doyle (Loch Garman)

Drogheda 2.30pm An Lú v Loch Garman
Referee: Ciaran Branagan (An Dún)

Hyde PK 2.30pm Ros Comáin v An Cabhán
Referee: Declan Corcoran (Maigh Eo)

Casement PK 2.00pm Aontroim v Sligeach
Referee: Jimmy McKee (Ard Mhacha)

Allianz GAA Football National League
Roinn III

Roinn IV

Ruislip 1.30pm Londain v Luimneach

Referee: Frank Flynn (Liatroim)

Dr Cullen PK 2.30pm Ceatharlach v Longfort
Referee: Brian Tyrell (Tiobraid Árann)

Cusack PK 2.30pm An Clár v Cill Mhantáin
Referee: Michael Meade (Luimneach)

Ballinamore 2.30pm Liatroim v Port Láirge
Referee: Vincent Neary (Maigh Eo)

Cill Chainnigh v Bye

 

 Managers Required


 
Applications for Manager of Junior B and Junior C  football teams are
now being sought. If Interested please contact Chairman Brendan Ryan 087
9345109  or  Secretary John Holden 087 2872208

Club Membership

 
Club Membership for all sections is now due. Contact Registrar Kathleen
(Ollie) Ryan 086 6264115

The new membership rates are as follows:

Adult Member €60

Adult Player €120 (includes €60 player contribution)

Student Player €90  (includes €60 player contribution)

Unemployed Player €70 (includes €60 player contribution)

Retired Member €10

Juvenile Member (Kindergarten to Under 9) €30

Juvenile Member ( Under 10 to Under 18) €60  (includes €30 player
contribution)

Family Membership €70 + players levies

 

 

 

 

Camogie Manager Required

 

Sarsfields Camogie

We are looking for a new manager for 2010. If anyone is interested could
they please let me know on 087 2963212.
We will be having our AGM at the end of January.
 
I would also like to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to our
manager for the last couple of years Joe Murray who will not be taking
the position next year.His commitment and dedication could not be
faulted and was much appreciated. Also thank you to Lynda McNamee and
Dan Whelan who thankfully will still be involved next year.
 
Contact 
Paula Earley
087 2963212.

 

Underage Camogie & Hurling Training.
 
Indoor training starts from Thursday the 4th of Feb in the Patrician Brothers School Hall Newbridge from 7pm to 8pm for under 9 or up to 3rd class.
€2 per child.
 
All Outdoor Underage Hurling & Camogie training starts back in Sarsfields on Thursday 25th of March from 6pm to 7pm.
 
That's U8, U10, U12 & U14. Boys & Girls.

For more information contact Denise McGann on - 087-2873096

 

 

 

Support The Sash with Vodafone

Sign up to the Vodafone Support Your GAA Club programme to donate 5% of
your Pay Monthly bill or Top Up to Sarsfields – without it costing you a
single cent! Contact Shane Campbell or visit the Vodafone web site.

More Stupid Quotes.  

 

'No, no. I have been practicing ... I bowled a 129. It's like --
it was like Special Olympics, or something.'
- President Barack Obama, making an off-hand joke during an
  appearance on 'The Tonight Show'

 

'When I see someone who is making anywhere from $300,000 to
$750,000 a year, that's middle class.'
- Fred Heineman, former Republic representative from North
  Carolina

 

'The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.'

- Dizzy Dean, explaining how he felt after being hit on the head
  by a ball in the 1934 World baseball Series.

 

'People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader.'
- Steven Segal

'I like her cos she's like, homely. She must have something
else going on cos it's not like she's gorgeous or anything.'
- Kimberly Stewart on Jennifer Aniston

 

Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.  

 

Car Heater

 A 76-year-old German man trying to thaw out
his car incinerated it instead when he decided to speed things
up by putting a blow heater under the hood.

'He burned the vehicle out completely,' said a spokesman for
police in the western city of Hildesheim. Police said the man
left the heater on next to the frozen windshield washer tank and
returned indoors. Shortly afterwards he heard, two explosions and
returned to find the car ablaze.

He alerted fire services, who arrived in time to prevent the
flames from destroying his house. Including charring of the
building, total damages were estimated at 40,000 euros
($56,240).

 

Warning Labels on Appliances  

1) On Odour Eaters: Please do not eat.

2) On a blender: On no account improvise as a fish aquarium.

3) On stockings: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

4) On gloves: For best results, do not leave at the crime scene.

5) On a fridge: Refrigerate after opening.

6) On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

7) On a cardboard windshield sun-shade:
   'Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place'.

8) On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.

9) On a calendar: Use of term 'Sunday' for reference only.
   No meteorological warranties express or implied.

10)On a microscope: Objects in view are bigger and more frightening than they appear.

 

 

True Story   

Never On A Sunday

 

To be born on Sunday was considered a sign of great sin during
the Puritan times.

 
There is an endless argument, largely based on religious
beliefs, as to whether Sunday is the first day of the week, or
the seventh. Most Christians religions follow the idea that God
rested on the seventh day, and since historically Sunday has
been the Lord's Day, that was the day of rest, or the seventh
day. But when did that come about?

The names of the days of the week, are largely taken from
Germanic lore. Sunday, is the English derivative of the German
sun godess Sunna. Naming the days in this manner was first
recorded by Christians around 150A.D. In the year 325A.D. the
first Council of Nicea, an ecumenical gathering of Christian
bishops, declared Sunday to be a day of worship, and so it has
been held by Christians ever since.

The split for believing where Sunday lays in the ranking of
days, seems to run along geographical lines, with the U.S. and
Canada accounting it the last day of the week, and Monday the
first. In Europe and South America, Sunday is taken as the first
day of the week, a practice that is derived from Hebrew,
Egyptian and Roman tradition.

Christian practices on Sunday vary, all the way from a relaxed
attitude that allows doing anything you want, to the more
orthodox practices that forbid work of any kind, even cooking,
or frivolous activity that would take away from contemplation of
God.

Perhaps one of the most bizarre beliefs associated with Sunday,
dates from Puritan times in the 1600s in England. For them, it
was considered a great sin to be born on Sunday. Given that they
understood the term of pregnancy to be in weeks, it meant the
child was conceived on Sunday, and since everyone was conceived
in sin, than the parents had been sinning on the Sabbath.

 

True Story 2.

Siberian Strike
  
Two objects have struck the earth with enough force to destroy a
whole city. Each object, one in 1908 and again in 1947, struck
regions of Siberia. Not one human being was hurt either time.

 Modern technology has brought us a lot of things not all of them good, including
weaponry of the 20th century that is capable of levelling whole
cities at a time, and more. Perhaps they were trying to emulate
Mother Nature, who was already pretty good at the same thing.

Witness some of the great natural events that have overtaken Man
at various stages in his march towards civilization. The most
prominent and frequently recorded, are volcanic eruptions. These
'steam vents' for the roiling magma beneath the Earth's crust,
are recorded in some of the earliest literature found in regions
where volcanoes remain active today. Eruptions were often taken
as a sign of displeasure from the gods, who the rained fire
(lava) down on the hapless natives.

The most famous of course, would be the destruction of Pompeii
by Mount Vesuvius, which didn't strictly speaking flatten the
city, but buried it instead, under layers of ash and lava that
are still being excavated to this day.

However, the most mysterious and potentially devastating natural
landscape re-design was carried out not from forces under the
Earth, but from above it. In 1908, and again in 1947, Siberia
was hit by an unknown object, which flattened areas the
equivalent of a major city. It so happened, that on the first
occasion, June 30, 1908, a blue-white ball had been sighted
descending towards Earth. That ball was a meteor.

In many cases meteors will burn up during entry to the
atmosphere, but some have enough of a solid core, to survive
entry and leave visible remains as well as craters, after impact
with the ground. This was not how things unfolded in the frozen
wilds of Siberia.

Witnesses recorded how they watched the fireball approach the
Earth, then disperse into a cloud of smoke with a mighty roar.
According to scientists, it is theorized that the meteor's make
up, combined with the speed of entry, caused combustion of the
fireball directly above the ground, leveling some 770 square
miles of land in a radiating pattern from a center point. No
crater was found, either in 1908 or on the second occasion in
1947. And in neither case, were there any injuries or deaths.

 

 

Humour.  

 

 

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA .



August 31
- Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in
Karratha , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a
deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new
home. I love it here.

September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today
  but I love it here.

October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people
get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the
flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns
over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got
to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I
left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,
Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the
upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've earned my
lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant f****n' blow
dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and
the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order
parts from f****n' Perth ....

October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't
arrived for the f****n' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three
nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell
did I ever come here?

November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the
temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about
30. Stupid repairman.

November 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm
going to f****n' throttle him. F****n' heat! By the time I get to work, the
car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking f****n' wet and I
smell like baked cat!
November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the
black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my f****n' arse was on
fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and
my f****n' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked
cat!

November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a f****n' recording. Hot
and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and f****n' sunny! It's been too hot to do
anything for two f****n' months and the weatherman says it might really warm
up next week.

November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f****n' place? Water
restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and
blow into the fuckin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole
are the f****n' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing
half a dozen of the f*****s!

November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the
air conditioner's gone in my car.. The repair man came to fix it and said,
Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to
bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker!  F****n  Karatha. What
kind of sick, demented f***n' idiot would want to live here!

December 1 -
WHAT!!!!
The first day of Summer!!!!
You must be f****n kidding!

Thanks to Leo Kennedy
 1) Logical Thinking

A Year 5 teacher was giving her Primary pupils a lesson in developing logical thinking.
'This is the scene,' said the teacher.
'A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?'
A little girl raised her hand and asked, 'To draw out all his savings?'

2) Divorce Case

'Mr Edwards, I have reviewed your petition very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £600 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said, 'and every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself.'

3) Whacked

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

4) Hot Blooded Men

A man is lying asleep in bed with his wife. She wakes him and says, 'Close the window. It’s cold outside,' He grunts and turns over.

His wife nudges him again, 'Close the window. It’s cold outside.'
At last he gets up and bangs the window shut, 'So now it’s warm outside?'

 

Piano Tuner

 

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a
workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.

'Madam,' he announced, 'I'm the piano tuner.'

The lady exclaimed, 'Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner.'

The man replied, 'I know you didn't, but your neighbours did.'

 

Stranded

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a
small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

'Who is it on that island?' a passenger asks the captain.

'I have no idea... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts
like that.'

 

American Tourists

1 A group of American tourists was being guided through an ancient castle
in Europe. 'This place,' the guide told them, 'is 600 years
old.' There were appreciative murmurs from the crowd.

'Not a stone in it has been touched,' the guide continued,
'nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years.'

'Wow,' piped up one woman from the rear of the group. 'They must
have the same landlord I do.'

 

American Tourists 2 True Story

 

A group of American tourists were being driven around the Dingle Peninsula When the bus driver pointed up the side of a hill to an ancient settlement of houses that were  bee hived shaped. We’ll take 15 minutes to view these remarkable buildings that are so well preserved.”, said the driver. The woman sitting behind the driver said: “Do they still make honey there honey? Chuck bring your MasterCard just in case.”

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