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Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH  Wednesday Jan 20th 2010

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.     

 

Aussie Rules Trial.

 

 Last November Mayo footballer Aidan O'Shea returned from a two-week
trial with Australian Rules club, Western Bulldogs, in Melbourne. He
kept a diary of his trip for us. Thanks to Rory O’Sullivan for sending in this account

of Aidan O’Shea’s punishing training schedule.

Saturday, November 21
No northern comfort for trip south
I LEAVE Mayo with a heavy heart. I had put my Aussie Rules trial back a
week to allow me to play for Breaffy in the County Under-21 semi-final,
but we lose the game by two points in controversial circumstances and
even more frustrating weather.
My father, Jim, drives me to Dublin through the night for my 6.30am
flight on Sunday. I am looking forward to the trip but would be
altogether more enthused if I had a county final to look forward to on
my return. At least I won't need my 'Under Armour' down under.

Sunday
How long is too long on a plane?
LAST May's flight to New York for the Connacht Championship opener pales
into insignificance compared this trip. The first part of the journey to
Abu Dhabi was okay because I was able to sleep after travelling through
the night. I watched a bit of TV and, would you believe, I even got a
bit of study in.
But the flight from Abu Dhabi to Melbourne was a disaster. I didn't
sleep a wink, and when I got to Melbourne, one of my bags was missing.
Turns out it hadn't even made it to Abu Dhabi! I got it back the
following Wednesday.

Monday
Melbourne, houses and all that jazz
RICKY Nixon, who set up the trial, was waiting at the airport with James
Fantasia, Western Bulldogs General Manager of Football. James told me
what the week would consist of, that it wouldn't be too hard. That was
the first lie!
I was staying with Bulldogs player Will Minson so we headed there. I was
introduced to Will, but didn't get to chat to him much because he was
studying for engineering exams. He has a nice pad. It's a typical pro
sportsman's house - flat-screen TV, stereo system, X-Box, laptops, etc.
He's really into jazz music, which wouldn't be my scene at all! He had a
big poster of Miles Davis and I wasn't sure if we'd have similar
interests, but he's a sound man.

Tuesday
First day at training for Aidan 'Irish'
WILL wasn't training because of his exams so another player, Ben Hudson,
collected me at 6.45am! I don't know if I ever was up so early for
training but I felt fresh, I wasn't suffering from jet-lag.
We arrived at the club's new facilities in Footscray, outside Melbourne.
The facilities are class. I met the Bulldogs very own John O'Mahony -
Rodney Eade - at 9am or so. I was wearing my own gear - Mayo gear. Brad
Johnson, the club captain and one of the legends of the game, came over
to me, welcomed me to the club and handed me a Western Bulldogs training
top. Then I was introduced to the group.
All the niceties out of the way, we went straight into the max weights
session. You move around doing different exercises. The most push-ups,
pull-ups, medicine ball work, chin-ups, reverse chin-ups and dips you
can do in a row. Nothing easy about it.
I did all right on the press-ups, about the same amount as the others -
I did 50 the first time and 40 something the second time, which was
better than one of the other fellas. So I was happy to be able to do
more than a pro!
From there we went straight into the cycling - spinning. Twenty minutes
of that and then 20 minutes boxing and then repeat the dose. On the bike
you do a three-minute warm-up then three minutes at a high gear. Then
you up the gear, get out of the saddle and push it out even more for
another three minutes, and you're going over and back like this all the
time.
Your legs are like jelly and then you finish and you're straight over to
the boxing with only a minute to spare. It's as difficult as it sounds.
I was on the pads with Barry Hall, who has a reputation as one of the
bad boys of the game. He was sound to me but, my God, he can throw a
punch! I can see why there was talk of him becoming a professional
boxer. He has all the moves and is a strong guy. He was really
encouraging though, a lovely fella.
The guys started calling me 'Irish' and that was my name for the two
weeks. After a short handball game I was supposed to go to the pool, but
I got a rub because I was in agony - so sore from the bike and the
boxing! Then I went for a bit of coaching with Chris Maple, and we
worked on kicking, passing and handling. I was trying to get the hang of
the kicking. I was kicking the ground and putting it everywhere and
anywhere but where it was meant to go! Definitely a work in progress.
When I was told to go to the pool I thought the session was as good as
done. 'Ah, a nice relaxing swim to warm down,' I thought to myself.
Wrong. They were swimming kilometre after kilometre. They could do 25
metres without coming up for breath and I just looked at them and
thought 'there's not a hope I can do that'! It was unreal stuff. I
wasn't able to do it, I was cramping up. I thought I was a decent
swimmer. I did 25 lengths but it was hardly anything compared to them.
That was the first day done and if I didn't feel tired that morning, I
definitely do now. Home and straight to bed that afternoon. We went for
a bite to eat but I was back in bed soon enough.

Wednesday
The calm before the storm
FIRSTLY there was a meeting for midfielders and forwards about areas
where they can improve. We then did a bit of running, which was tough
but good. We had to do ten sets of 100 metres in under 15 seconds. Then
we moved onto agility and speed work and into handball work. We went to
lunch then, came back and did leg weights for an hour and a half, and
then home to bed. Wednesday wasn't too bad.

Thursday
Give me Belleek any time
I'VE an entry in my diary here which says simply 'the worst day of my
life'. And it felt like absolute torture. We were in Victoria
University. Started off with 15 minutes on the bike spinning, 15 minutes
boxing, 15 minutes core. Then did the same again.
There was a huge pool of sweat under the bike when I was finished. On
the bags you're going as hard as you can. Some are on pads and some lads
are on their own. What you are asked to do is punches whilst holding
your breath. You might start at 10 and work up to 50, and then work down
again with only a small break in between. It increases your breathing
capacity.
The core wasn't too bad on its own but by the time you're finished the
bike and the boxing, you are wrecked. Shattered. And then you have to
start again. I found it very difficult. Did everyone else? Not by the
look of things! They seemed to be well used to it. Give me a long run
around the cross-country track in Belleek with Mayo any time!
In the afternoon we did upper body weights. My energy levels were pretty
much empty, but I did the weights as much as I could, and there was good
banter.
I came home to Will's house at about 3pm and straight to bed again. I
got up and went for dinner, came home, went on Facebook for a while to
chat to people at home, and then back to bed.

Friday
What the bleep?!
IN the morning I did ball skills work - first with the players in injury
rehab, and then with the whole team. Then I was brought for a bleep test
on my own so they could see where I was at stamina-wise.
Jason Akermanis, whom you might remember from his rows with Peter
Canavan, is one of the Bulldogs' best-known players. 'Aker' was very
good to me. He came over and showed me the pace I should do it at -
arrive on the line on the bleep, not ahead of it, which is what I was
doing.
He, Matthew Boyd and Daniel Giansiracusa ran a bit of it with me. It was
a 20-metre bleep test where you have to make it to each end before the
bleep. I got 11-11 which they were impressed enough with. They didn't
expect me to do that well. The best for a rookie was 15 so I did okay.
Then I did jump tests and they were happy enough with the results.
Then we went to Williamstown beach for a swim. The guys thought it was
freezing, I thought it was gorgeous! Their canteen is being built at the
moment so we go to different places for food. The players have to try to
meet their 'skinfolds', which is the term they use for body fat. They
have to be below a certain level all the time so they are very conscious
of what they eat. I didn't follow them in that regard! They couldn't
believe how much I could eat.
I don't think Gaelic footballers are miles behind in terms of their
application to training itself. The big difference I noticed between the
sports was that outside of training, the Aussie Rules players are very
conscious of everything. I was eating three sausage rolls and they were
laughing at me, saying 'I'd love to be able to eat them'. I'd ask them
why couldn't they and was told: 'skinfolds'. It was all about the
skinfolds. I just laughed and said 'sure you'll burn it off tomorrow,
pass me that eclair behind you!'

Saturday
Infectious training
I GOT an infection in my foot so I didn't train. I was basically
relaxing, watching the players train. I went to the recovery room and
had a Jacuzzi and an ice bath. I wasn't complaining really!
I went home for a quick nap and then went for a barbecue at Ben Hudson's
house. There were about 10 or 12 lads there. We had a few bottles of
beer, nothing too serious. Good craic and left at 9pm and straight to
bed because everyone was worn out from training.

Sunday
Seeing the sights . . .
DAY off. Myself and Will went to his grandmother's house for a Sunday
roast. It was a roast pork, very nice but not as nice as Sheila O'Shea's
cooking! It was in Boxhill, a well-to-do suburb where Kylie Minogue is
from. I didn't see Kylie though - damn!
Sunday was meant to be my day for sight-seeing but when we came back
from dinner, I went to bed because I was shattered.

Monday and Tuesday
Facebook fever
I COULDN'T train because of the foot infection. I went on antibiotics
for two days and the following day I stayed at home because there was no
point in me being at the club. I was on Facebook for a good while in the
morning so I got a good session in! It was late on Monday at home so
most of my friends were logged on and I was chatting away to them,
catching up on any drama.

Wednesday
Dipping my toes back in the water
MY foot was starting to come around so I went back training. I started
with the rehab group, working on the skills. I did a bit of gym work
too. The weather is nearly always in the high 20s, sometimes into the
30s. I only got to sunbathe one day so I don't look like I'm just home
from Australia. A pity ... Outdoor training tends to be in the morning
when it's not too hot, and indoor work happens during the warm part of
the day.

Thursday
Making progress
MY first proper day back training. The rest had done me a lot of good,
but unfortunately we were doing the same tortuous session as the
previous Thursday. Same place (Victoria University) and same ordeal -
bike, boxing, core, and then back to the start, followed by swimming. I
was able to do the bike, boxing and core, and was able to do the
swimming as well, so there was a clear improvement from the week before,
which I was very happy with. In the afternoon we did upper body weights,
a handball programme and some more core work.

Friday
My work review
TODAY we concentrated on running and skills. The running was like a
100-metre bleep test. You do 100 metres the whole width of the pitch,
everyone lined up at one side. You had to be inside the 100 metres in 20
seconds. Then you've a break of five seconds and then you've to go
again. You have to do as many as you can.
I got to 18 widths, 1,800 metres. I was determined not to be the first
one out, but none of them wanted to be beaten by the rookie Irish kid!
Just as I went out, everyone else started dropping out. The best was
Matthew Boyd - he did 36 widths, which is incredible.
All the football is non-contact before Christmas, so from a football
point of view, it was my skills they were assessing. But they look at
the whole package - strength, stamina, my ability to play with them and
forge relationships.
My skills were marked low enough, which they said was normal for someone
with no experience. They marked me reasonably well for mental skills,
competitiveness, ability to build relationships and resilience. They
said I was organised, communicated well and my work ethic was good.
They said they were impressed and were going to monitor my progress.
They told me to go home, get myself into even better shape and work on
ball skills. They were impressed with how I progressed from being
terrible at kicking the ball to being able to pass decently by the time
I left. On the Friday we did a kicking drill across the pitch and I
kicked every single ball into hand. There was an obvious improvement
from my first day's attempt.
Ricky Nixon said the coaches at the Bulldogs were impressed. They didn't
expect me to be up to the pace the boys were at up there, but were still
impressed with where I was at.

Saturday
Once more with feeling
MY last day. Training was so, so tough. It was an open session - media,
cameras, fans and Santa Claus were all there. We started with a
six-minute run around the 400-metre track at 80 per cent pace. 'Aker'
set the pace at the start because there was a crowd there - it was the
first time I saw him lead a training run! He just loves the attention -
why else would anyone have bleach blonde hair and a black goatee?!
After that we broke into groups, going up and down the stairs in the
grandstand of the Whitten Oval, their old match-day venue. More running
after that - 80-metre sprints, then 60-metre sprints. Then we went onto
the 400-metre track.
On the first whistle you would have to jog, on the second whistle you
would have to sprint. Torture. Followed that up with five 300-metre
runs. You had to do them in 45 seconds and then start again on the
minute, so the sooner you got in, the more rest you got. I didn't know
when the running was going to end.
We did some handball drills and then six 200-metre runs. I won four of
them, so I was happy with that. That was the last event of the day for
me, thank God. I went inside and got into the ice-bath. I was presented
with a ball and Bulldogs gear from the Development Officer. Rodney Eade
came over and said 'thanks very much, you did very well and we will
monitor your progress'. I went home with Rob Murphy and Ben Hudson.
Before that I said goodbye to everyone - Barry Hall, 'Aker', Brad
Johnson, Giansiracusa. They were all sound and all wished me well. I
went home and out for dinner with Will (Minson). Had a pint of Guinness
- but it didn't travel well! It was disgusting!

Sunday
Strange land, familiar face
THE flight to Abu Dhabi was 14 hours and I slept a good chunk of that.
In keeping with the Irish theory that you can never truly escape home, I
met (Mayo goalkeeper) Kenny O'Malley in Abu Dhabi! He was over at the
Dubai Sevens, and the two of us burst out laughing when we saw each
other.
Home sweet home then. Well, almost. Got into Dublin at 1.30pm.
Thankfully my bags made it all the way this time. My parents, brother
Conor and sister Meadhb were there to meet me. We went for dinner and
then I went home in Dublin and was back up for college first thing
Monday morning. Back to reality.
The Bulldogs will be back to me in August or September. It will be up to
them to offer me a contract at that stage. They'll watch me playing
Gaelic football and if they're impressed they'll offer me a contract. If
not, they won't.
I'm glad I will be in Ireland for another year because I don't think my
body would have been able to go out there now. A lot of players have
gone out and broken down and been injured. I'd have been going from
minor football to professional Aussie Rules in a year, and I don't think
I would have been able for it. We'll reassesses things at the end of
next year and I'll make a more concrete decision then.
Your approach is different after it. You appreciate how you can become
better in all aspects of your game. There is massive room for
improvement in every area for myself. Not just fitness levels but sprint
work, weights, different types of training like using the bike in the
gym, which I never would have done before.
If nothing else, it was great pre-season training. I shed a few pounds
out there, and it was great preparation, especially ahead of Christmas
where you might be inclined to indulge. Now, hopefully, I'll hit the
ground running for the FBD, National League and the Under-21
championship. That was definitely a bonus.

 
Ladies AGM

The Sarsfields Ladies AGM this Friday 22nd JAN 2010 at 8.15 in the committee rooms. Manager and mentors are required for Girls U16  Girls U10, U12, U14and minors and Seniors . The Autumn leagues which include U11, U13, U15, Minor and Junior C will be sorted after the Spring/Summer competitions. Thanks to all parents who assisted last year with transport, making sandwiches etc. anyone who would you like to go a stage further and get involved with teams would be very welcome. The ladies section will send interested new mentors on coaching courses. For further information contact Dema Houlihan Sarsfields, ladies secretary on 045-432899 or 086 8520730.

 

 

 

Managers Required


 
Applications for Manager of Junior B and Junior C  football teams are
now being sought. If Interested please contact Chairman Brendan Ryan 087
9345109  or  Secretary John Holden 087 2872208

Club Membership

 
Club Membership for all sections is now due. Contact Registrar Kathleen
(Ollie) Ryan 086 6264115

The new membership rates are as follows:

Adult Member €60

Adult Player €120 (includes €60 player contribution)

Student Player €90  (includes €60 player contribution)

Unemployed Player €70 (includes €60 player contribution)

Retired Member €10

Juvenile Member (Kindergarten to Under 9) €30

Juvenile Member ( Under 10 to Under 18) €60  (includes €30 player
contribution)

Family Membership €70 + players levies

 

 

 

 

Camogie Manager Required

 

Sarsfields Camogie

We are looking for a new manager for 2010. If anyone is interested could
they please let me know on 087 2963212.
We will be having our AGM at the end of January.
 
I would also like to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to our
manager for the last couple of years Joe Murray who will not be taking
the position next year.His commitment and dedication could not be
faulted and was much appreciated. Also thank you to Lynda McNamee and
Dan Whelan who thankfully will still be involved next year.
 
Contact 
Paula Earley
087 2963212.

 

Underage Camogie & Hurling Training.
 
Indoor training starts from Thursday the 4th of Feb in the PBS Hall Newbridge from 6pm to 7pm for under 9 or up to 3rd class.
€2 per child.
 
All Outdoor Underage Hurling & Camogie training starts back in Sarsfields on Thursday 25th of March from 6pm to 7pm.
 
That's U8, U10, U12 & U14. Boys & Girls.

For more information contact Denise McGann on Denise Mc Gann - 087-2873096

 

 

 

 

Sign up to the Vodafone Support Your GAA Club programme to donate 5% of
your Pay Monthly bill or Top Up to Sarsfields – without it costing you a
single cent! Contact Shane Campbell or visit the Vodafone web site.

 

 

 

 

More Stupid Quotes. 

 

'I am a meathead. I can't help it, man. You've got smart people
and you've got dumb people.'
- Keanu Reeves explaining that he is not that bright   

 

'They're always whining about the dangers of being killed. Oh my
God, they are such wimps now!'
- Rupert Everett on troops in 2008

 

'I love the smell of diapers. I even like when they're wet and
you smell them all warm like a baked good'
- Sarah Jessica  Parker 

 

I catnap now and then... but I think while I nap, so it's not
a waste of time.
- Martha Stewart

 

'People think I have changed, and I know I have changed. I'm now
the person I know I am.'
- Jon Gosselin

 

Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News. 

Nude Offence

SAN CLEMENTE, California. - Some Orange County nudists are fuming
over the burial of a rotting sea lion carcass on a San Onofre
beach. The naturists said Tuesday that state parks officials
buried the animal on the beach near Trail 6, which used to be
clothing-optional until officials cracked down in 2008. Allen
Baylis said the dead animal's fin sticks out of the sand just a
few yards from a volleyball court near where people still
sunbathe naked. He said the stench is so overpowering it will
keep people away.

The park's maintenance chief, Steve Scott, said his crews had to
move the 10-foot sea lion from where it was found because of
crowds and erosion on that beach.

Scott said it was not their intention to offend or inconvenience
the nudists.

 


 

 

 


.

True Story 

 

 

More Than Just Hot Air

 

In 1982, Larry Walters tied 24 weather balloons to his lawn
chair in Los Angeles and climbed to an altitude of 16,000 feet.

  
For many years, it was suspected that the tale of the lawn chair
pilot, who soared to 16,000 feet near LAX, was a spoof, an urban
legend, a bit of fun...but they were wrong.

The Internet circulated what appeared to be a newspaper story,
accompanied by photos of one Larry Walters, seated in his
specially equipped lawn chair, and another photo that showed a
series of balloon clusters shooting up through the sky, with the
lawn chair dangling underneath.

For once, the story was true. In 1982, Larry Walters of Southern
California, satisfied a lifelong dream to try his own unique
method of flying. He went to a Navy Surplus store and purchased
42 weather balloons and numerous tanks of helium. He then took a
lawn chair and equipped it with padding, loaded it with supplies
like lunch, a CB radio, and a BB gun, with which he proposed to
pop balloons, one at a time, in order to get himself back to
Earth.

Walters theorized he could rise as much as a few hundred feet,
and that he was all set. He was wrong. Walters had anchored the
chair to the bumper of his jeep with several ropes. Upon cutting
the first rope, the inflated balloons' upwards drag was so
strong, it snapped the remaining ties, and his chair shot into
the air. And kept on going. Walters glasses fell off in the
launch.

At times, the chair reached 16,000 feet, where it was very cold.
Walters attempted to bring himself back down, but after popping
a few balloons, he dropped his gun, and was literally trapped in
airspace, where he was reported to air traffic controllers by
the startled pilots of both TWA and Delta planes.

After several hours, temperature and time took care of his
problem, and brought the chair down in Long Beach, California,
where it tangled in power lines and caused a large blackout.

 


 

True Story 2 

 

Braver Than Mel Gibson

 

Celtic warriors sometimes fought their battles naked, their
bodies dyed blue from head to toe.

 
  
And who didn't love those battle scenes in Braveheart, with the
mad Celts pelting across the battlefield, kilts hiked above
their knees.
But those were the civilized years. Way back before that, prior
to 300 B.C., Celtic warriors didn't just flash bits of flesh,
they showed it all. Because at that time, warriors shunned armor
and preferred to fight in the 'all together'. Except for their
war paint, sword and a shield.

Warriors back then were real men, in every sense of the word.
They existed solely to fight, and that was their only role in
society. Freed men only served as chariot drivers. Known for
their swordsmanship, there is evidence of the Celts battling in
the buff, as late as 225B.C. at Telamon. Dionysius records the
frightening sight of Celts advancing on their armies, swords
whirling overhead and then slashing downwards.

Like any good warriors, the Celts liked their trophies. Most of
the time, they took heads, hanging them from their horses, or
displaying them outside of temples. This habit is one that shows
up in art from the era, over and over. Even in 214B.C. a Roman
general had to haul his freed slaves back into line on the
battlefield, because they were busy collection trophies instead
of fighting. Apparently they were captured Celts.

As time passed, Celts bowed to either common sense or jealousy,
and in the time of the Greeks and Romans, the richer Celts or
generals would don similar armour to their enemies. Such
artefacts have been found in chieftains' graves. Something else
that has been found, gives rise to speculation whether the
ancient Celts, unlike Mel Gibson's rabble, who only streaked
their faces with blue, didn't fight in full body paint. What has
been unearthed are remnants of skin that is clearly tattooed in
blue. Other evidence of the colour used in war comes from the
times of Caesar, when he notes in his papers that the Brits wore
skins dyed blue.

 

True Story 3

What's In A Name, Other Than $300 Million Dollars?

Canadians Scott Abbott and Chris Haney invented Trivial Pursuit.
They were planning on playing Scrabble and realized that some of
the pieces were missing so they came up with the idea of making
their own game; Trivial Pursuit.

  
That's just one of those random, almost pointless questions that
players of Trivia Pursuit would jump on in a flash.

Trivial Pursuit was the game goldmine of the 1980s. Two
Canadians, Chris Haney and Scott Abbott, got together one night
for a game of Scrabble. Haney was the photo editor for the
Montreal Gazette newspaper, and Abbott was a sports editor for
the Canadian Press. Both were competitive, and when they
discovered pieces of the Scrabble game were missing, the two of
them kicked around ideas for their own game, finally coming up
with the concept of asking questions based on general knowledge
and pop culture.

Conceived in 1979, the game didn't get off the ground until two
years later, when the initial run of 1100 games cost $75 apiece
to produce. The pair, in partnership with Haney's brother and a
friend of Abbott, supplied the game to retailers for $15, where
it sold at $29.95, something of an anomaly in that era. Who was
going to pay that kind of money for a game? As it turned out,
not many. Not in the beginning.

With their own funds almost gone, they began selling shares in
their company. At the 1982 American International Toy Fair, they
had 20,000 games ready to go. But only a few hundred were sold.
Re-trenching, they found a Canadian distributor, and in 1983
arranged with the Selchow and Righter Game Co. to manufacture
and distribute it in the U.S. The firm hired a PR firm, who
initiated a mass mailing to Hollywood stars and nearly 2,000 of
the top buyers at the 1983 International Toy Fair, and the game
took off into history.

Oh, and the name? That has to do with a 1984 lawsuit by Fred
Worth, who claimed that Haney and Abbott had taken all their
material from his trivia books, including the one thing he had
invented, in order to catch plagiarizers: the first name of
fictional police lieutenant, Columbo. In his book, Worth had
listed it as 'Philip', and that fact is repeated in the Trivial
Pursuit game. But while Haney and Abbott admitted to having used
that fact and others from Worth's books, they demonstrated that
their material had been compiled from a number of sources, and
the suit was dismissed.

Did Columbo have a first name? Yes. When the original t.v.
series was released on DVD, an episode called 'Dead Weight'
shows a close up of his badge, with the name Frank Columbo.

 

 

A Moral Tale: What matters in life could be closer than you think

A vacationing American businessman standing on the pier of a quaint coastal fishing village in southern Mexico watched as a small boat with just one young Mexican fisherman pulled into the dock. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. Enjoying the warmth of the early afternoon sun, the American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish.

'How long did it take you to catch them?' the American casually asked.

'Oh, a few hours,' the Mexican fisherman replied.

'Why don't you stay out longer and catch more fish?' the American businessman then asked.

The Mexican warmly replied, 'With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs.'

The businessman then became serious, 'But what do you do with the rest of your time?'

Responding with a smile, the Mexican fisherman answered, 'I sleep late, play with my children, watch ballgames, and take siesta with my wife. Sometimes in the evenings I take a stroll into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, sing a few songs...'

The American businessman impatiently interrupted, 'Look, I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you to be more profitable. You can start by fishing several hours longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra money, you can buy a bigger boat. With the additional income that larger boat will bring, before long you can buy a second boat, then a third one, and so on, until you have an entire fleet of fishing boats.'

Proud of his own sharp thinking, he excitedly elaborated a grand scheme which could bring even bigger profits, 'Then, instead of selling your catch to a middleman you'll be able to sell your fish directly to the processor, or even open your own cannery. Eventually, you could control the product, processing and distribution. You could leave this tiny coastal village and move to Mexico City, or possibly even Los Angeles or New York City, where you could even further expand your enterprise.'

Having never thought of such things, the Mexican fisherman asked, 'But how long will all this take?'

After a rapid mental calculation, the Harvard MBA pronounced, 'Probably about 15-20 years, maybe less if you work really hard.'

'And then what, señor?' asked the fisherman.

'Why, that's the best part!' answered the businessman with a laugh. 'When the time is right, you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions.'

'Millions? Really? What would I do with it all?' asked the young fisherman in disbelief.

The businessman boasted, 'Then you could happily retire with all the money you've made. You could move to a quaint coastal fishing village where you could sleep late, play with your grandchildren, watch ballgames, and take siesta with your wife. You could stroll to the village in the evenings where you could play the guitar and sing with your friends all you want.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

Humour.    

 

 

Irish Job Application

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.  When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.

The manager went to Murphy and said, '
Thank you for coming to the interview, but we�ve decided to give the American the job.'

Murphy, 'And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.'

 

Manager, '
We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.'

Murphy, '
And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?'

Manager, '
Simple. On question number 7 the American wrote down, 'I don�t know.' '

You put down, 'Neither do I.'

 

Marriage Jokes and One-liners -
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman)  [For those who do not know him, Henny (not Henry) Youngman was an American stand up comedian.]

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

Any husband who says. 'My wife and I are completely equal partners,' is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Bill Cosby)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburetor.' I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.' (Henny Youngman)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

 

Advanced Driving Test

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk! 

 

 

Here are more actual calls to computer technical support reps:

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....

Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it into the computer yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.  Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

 

Not so Slick

 

A city couple went for horse riding lessons while on holidays.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked the wife whether she
wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the
difference was. He told her one had a horn and one didn't.

She replied, 'The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect
we'll run into too much traffic.'

 

 

Financial benefits of . . . not rearing pigs.

 

Another British bureaucratically bonkers story from across the water. Thanks to Leo Kennedy for this.

 

THIS IS A COPY OF A GENUINE LETTER SENT TO British MP DAVID MILIBAND
  
from
NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARKFARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JT
> >
>
> Rt Hon David Miliband MP

>
> Secretary of State.
> > Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs
> > (DEFRA),
> > Nobel House
> > 17 Smith Square
> > London
> > SW1P 3JR
> >
> > 16 July 2009
> >
> > Dear Secretary of State,
> >
> > My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently
> > received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency
> > for not rearing pigs.. I would now like to join the
> > 'not rearing pigs' business.
> >
> > In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear
> > pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I
> > want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with
> > all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the
> > Common Agricultural Policy.
> >
> > I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not
> > the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not
> > rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare
> > breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are
> > there too many people already not rearing these?
> >
> > As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be
> > keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't
> > reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses
> > on this?
> >
> > My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been
> > rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever
> > made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year,
> > when he received a cheque for not rearing any.
> >
> > If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get
> > £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small
> > scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not
> > raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year.
> > As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be
> > more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not
> > reared in my second year, for which I should expect about
> > £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder
> > if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits
> > for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting
> > methane gases?
> >
> > Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not
> > eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay
> > farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments
> > for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't
> > rear?
> >
> > I am also considering the 'not milking cows'
> > business, so please send any information you have on that
> > too. Please could you also include the current DEFRA advice
> > on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis
> > with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several
> > thousand hectares)?
 
In view of the above you will realise that I will be
 totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for
 unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your
 party at the next general election.
 
 
 Yours faithfully,
 

 Nigel Johnson-Hill  

 

 

Introduction to Sardar Jokes

Sardar, is a Persian word which tends to be used for military or political leaders because the roots of the word mean commander, perhaps comparable to the English word, chieftain. In Pakistan, for example, the leaders of certain tribes have the title Sardar. [Balochi, Kashmiri, Pashtun, Punjabi, Seraiki, Sindhi].

However, in India the word often refers to a male follower of the Sikh faith; sometimes the word � Ji, is added and this denotes respect. Sometimes, in India, the Punjabi and Hindi: Sardar, is used derogatorily and he is considered as an 'idiot' and the butt of many jokes perhaps rather in the same way as 'blondes'.

As can be seen on our site Will and Guy deplore any form of racism, but we do understand the place of stereotypes in society. On this occasion we feel the same about Sardar humour. We see it rather like the attitude of say the Americans towards the Canadians; the English towards the Irish or the Scots. The Welsh towards the English. Elsewhere we find that 'Poms' [British people] are the butt of Australian jokes. Belgians fall foul of the French; while The German deprecate the Dutch in their humour.

* Will and Guy's Ten Best Sardar Jokes

1) Postman: I have had to walk 5 miles to deliver this packet.
Aneel: Why did walk so far? You could have posted it.

2) Gatnam went to the sale at electrical shop and he found a bargain. 'I would like to buy this small TV,' he told the salesman.
'Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars,' he replied.

So Gatnam hurried home, removed his turban, and changed his hair style and returned to repeat to the salesman, 'I would like to buy this TV.'

'Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars,' the salesman replied for a second time.
'Damn! Gatnam exploded, 'he recognized me.'

He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut, new hair colour, different clothes, big sunglasses and he waited a few days until he saw the salesman again.
'I would like to buy this TV.'

'Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars,' the salesman replied.
Angry now and frustrated, Gatnam shouted, 'How do you know I'm a Sardar?'
'Because that's a microwave,' he replied.

3) Jasbir visits an art gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that is a mirror.

4) Rasdeep goes into the kitchen and opens the cookie jar. He looks inside and closes it. His wife observes the whole episode and says nothing. Again Rasdeep enters the kitchen and does the same thing.

His wife asks, Rasdeep, why are you doing that?'
Rasdeep replies, 'The Doctor told to check my sugar level regularly.'

5) NASA was getting ready to launch a very important space shuttle. The scientists and engineers checked and double checked everything to make sure that things are fine.  However, on the day of the launch, something seemed to be wrong. The rocket made all sorts of noise but never took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were puzzled because they could not figure out the problem.

Finally, Manjit, a Sardar offered to help. The NASA scientists were desperate by that time and agreed to do anything.

'Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right,' said Manjit in a serious voice. The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway.

'Bring it back to vertical position, the Manjit added. The engineers did.

'Now start the engines,' instructed Manjit. The rocket took off and flew into space. Everybody thanked and congratulated Manjit and asked him how he knew what to do.

He replied, 'It is very simple. This is what we always do with our Bajaj scooters in India.'

6) There were eleven people hanging onto a rope which was hanging from a from an aeroplane. Ten were Sardar, and one was a girl. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, then the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the girl said, 'I'll get off,' and she made a really moving speech.

All of the Sardars started immediately applauding ........... ah.

7) Devindar went into The Bank of India and asked to open a current account. The cashier was surprised when Devindar left the building saying he would return after he had been to Delhi.
When asked why he was visiting Delhi, he retorted that the application form said: 'Got be filled in CAPITAL.'

8) Santa was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to put in the column 'Salary Expected'.
After much thought he wrote : Yes, please.

9) Sadhu : I haven't slept all night in the train.
Friend: Why?

Sadhu: I had an upper berth.
Friend: Why didn't you exchange it?
Sadhu: There was nobody in the lower bunk to change it with.


Waiter's Revenge

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon
with his coffee. 'This coffee,' he said loud enough for most of
the other patrons to hear, 'is going to be pretty hot to stir
with my fingers.'

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and
returned shortly with another cup of coffee.

'This one isn't so hot, sir,' he beamed.

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