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Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH  Thursday December 3rd 2009

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.   

 

 

AGM

 

The club AGM takes place this Saturday at 7pm in the
club hall. The AGM is your opportunity as a member to have your say about the
club.

On Sunday the 6th of December the under-age presentation takes place in the
club hall. The presentation is for all sections of the club from under 11
down to the kindergarten and it begins at 2.30pm.
Then on Friday the 11th of December a presentation evening will take place
for the under 12 to under 16 age group. The presentation evening will begin
at 7.30pm and is for all sections of the club.

Sign up to the Vodafone Support Your GAA Club programme to *donate 5% of
your Pay Monthly bill or Top Up to Sarsfields – without it costing you a
single cent! Contact Shane Campbell or visit the Vodafone web site*

 

 

 

 

More Stupid Quotes.  

 

'I'm the master of low expectations.'

-         George W. Bush

 

'How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass
 the test?'
- Duke of Edinburgh Prince Philip, to Scottish driving
  instructor.

 

'Are you Indian or Pakistani? I can never tell the difference
between you chaps.'
- Duke of Edinburgh Prince Philip, at Washington Embassy
  reception for Commonwealth members.

 

'There's nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has
an iconic blonde, like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana and,
right now, I'm that icon.'
- Paris Hilton on her fame .

 

'In the studio, I do try to have a thought in my head, so that
it's not like a blank stare.'
- Cyndi Crawford on modelling.

 

'I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands
when there needs to be-hold hands.'
-  Former President George W. Bush (on how he can contribute to the
  Middle East peace process)  

 

'I've been noticing gravity since I was very young.'
-
Cameron Diaz on science.

 

'Is an egg a vegetable?'
- Jodie Marsh on cooking

 

'I find it a bit sad that there is no photo of me at the museum
at Checkpoint Charlie.'
-
David Hasselfhoff

 

 

 

Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.  

 

 

Cash Aid

 

Armed robbers steal first aid kit instead of cash.

Armed robbers who held up a money courier made off with his first aid kit instead of the suitcase full of cash.

The two bandits pursued the courier at high speed before shooting at his vehicle and forcing him to stop on a road in Gronau, Germany.

Forcing the boot open, one of the crooks snatched a case before fleeing again. But instead of taking the money, he made off with a first aid kit.

Police spokesman Johann Steinlitz said, 'If there was an award for the dumbest crooks they would certainly be in the running. But even though they did not get what they were after, we are still investigating for attempted armed robbery and endangering lives. Luckily the courier was not harmed in the incident.'

 

DES MOINES, Iowa - A woman filed a lawsuit claiming a Clive auto
dealership pressured her to buy a new car while she was waiting
for an oil change. The Polk County lawsuit said a Holmes Hyundai
saleswoman pressured 77-year-old Audrey McKnight to buy the car
while she waited for the service on her 2006 car. McKnight
claims she was adamant she couldn't afford a new car but finally
gave up after being pressured for hours.

Dealership owner Max Holmes disputes those claims and says his
lawyers will respond in court. He said his lawyers are trying to
resolve the situation.

McKnight made her claim under a new state consumer fraud law
that makes such suits easier to file.

 

A Dogs Life

CLEARWATER, Florida. - Customers at one Gulf coast gas station might
be surprised at who responds to the counter when they pull up to
the drive-through window: The store owner's dog. Dozens of times
each day, Cody the chocolate Labradaor retriever will pop up on
two paws behind the counter at a BP gas station and convenience
store in Clearwater. He even has a BP logo shirt and a name tag.
Customers grin and kids squeal with joy in response.

Store owner Karim Mansour said he started bringing Cody to work
five months ago for company on the early morning shift. The dog
quickly became a celebrity among store regulars.

Mansour said Cody helps customers by calming those who come in
sad or angry.

 

 


True Story 

 

Star Gazing With Style

French astronomer Adrien Auzout had once considered building a
telescope that was 1,000 feet long in the 1600s. He thought the
magnification would be so great, he would see animals on the
moon.  

 
  
While scientists were thick on the ground prior to the 17th
century, much of their work either remained in doubt, or was
proven incorrect by practical application. Modern day scientists
attribute this high degree of error, to the poor quality of the
instruments that they were using, technology not being one of
their top priorities at that time.

That would explain some of the downright cock-eyed theories and
predictions regarding the movement and existence of planets,
suns and moons, most of which were being examined with the bare
eye. That is, until the first telescope was invented circa 1608.

While it is often debated which of three men: James Metius, Hans
Lippershey or Zacharias Jansen actually made the thing, papers
now in the possession of the University of Leyden indicate that
is was in fact, Lippershey. As a maker of spectacles, he had
accidentally held up two lens, a short ways apart, and noticed
that objects at a distance were magnified while looking through
both lenses. But it had to be a fixed distance, and his arms
were getting tired. So he put the two lenses in a tube, and the
telescope was born.

Shortly after that rough beginning, Galileo applied his
knowledge of refraction to the issue, and using both a concave
and a convex lens, in a lead pipe, created the first truly
workable telescope. His model would be the standard for the next
hundred years, until it was replaced by the telescope with two
convex lenses, which provided a greater field of view. After
solving problems related to unclear images, a new telescope with
a twelve-foot focal length was built.

That was the focal length, not the physical length of the
telescope. For really big ideas at that time, you couldn't beat
French astronomer Adrien Auzout, who theorized that the greater
the length, the better the magnification. He planned to build
one that was 1,000' long, but apparently was a little
'shortsighted' with regard to the logistical difficulties.

 

True Story 2

 


'Jaws' Kidding About The Sharks

In the United States, you are more likely to be killed by a bee
sting than a shark attack.

  
Sharks are interesting creatures. They were swimming around for
a good 200 million years before the dinosaur wandered out of a
swamp. Perhaps it's a good thing they didn't go wading in the
ocean, or the sharks might have had a T-Rex leg for breakfast.

Seriously though, shark attacks are over-rated, or just over-
hyped. There is an International Shark Attack File that tracks
the incidence of shark attacks/deaths every year, and they show
an average of just about 100 attacks, globally.

Not every shark will attack, either. There are some 4,000
species, and of those, only 10% have been known to bite humans.
For the most part, it is the large sharks like the Great White,
or Tiger Sharks and Bull Sharks that are potentially dangerous.
Other large sharks including the Whale, Basking, and Megamouth,
are feared needlessly, because they feed on plankton, not
people.

Generally speaking, there are three types of attacks. First, the
'one bite' and it's gone. The shark has mistaken a human arm or
leg, for a mobile creature that it normally eats, but contact
tells it 'this is not food'. Then there is the 'hit and nip'
incident, where a shark will bump or nudge a human, and snap at
it, then depart. This can be a case of curiosity, to see if the
object is edible, or because they were drawn by movement or
noise. The last kind, the 'bite and keep on biting', is the most
dangerous. Sharks do go into feeding frenzies with the presence
of blood in the water, and sometimes the first bite will
detonate the shark's fuse. Or they may be agitated by the
presence of boats and noise, and take it out on the nearest
target.

Each year, worldwide, shark attacks result in 10 deaths. With
the current world population at approximately, 6,515,153,400,
that is a one in 651,515,340 chance of being killed by a shark.
On the other hand, the odds of being killed by lightning are a
whopping one in 2,200,000! Now, if you want to talk bee stings
(which generally includes wasps and similar insects), in America
alone, there are approximately 100 deaths per year. With a
population (July 2004) of 293,027,571, that gives you a one in
2,930,275 chance of checking out due to a poisonous little pest.
 

 

Humour. 

 

Two Green Beans

These two green beans were crossing the highway when one of them
was hit by a large truck. His buddy scrapes him up and rushes
him to the hospital. After hours of surgery the doctor comes in
and says 'I have good news and bad news.'

The green bean starts to rejoice and the doctor says, 'The good
news is that he's going to live.'

'The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.'

Yes I Know. They can only improve.

Car swap

'What am I supposed to do with this?' grumbled a motorist as the
policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

'Keep it,' the cop said. 'When you collect four of them, you get
a bicycle.'

 

Aussie Barbeque Season

After 3 long months of cold and winter, They are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season in Australia.  Note:Will apply equally to men in Ireland next summer. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the Barbeque, usually on a Saturday, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Barbeque Routine

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

 

Froggy Love

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and the psychic tells
him:'You are going to meet a pretty young girl who will want to
know everything about you.'

The frog is thrilled. 'This is great! Will I meet her at a
party?'

'No,' says the psychic, 'in her biology class.'

Phonester

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just
rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the
hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to
pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around
and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, 'Can I help you?'

'Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.'

 

The Mechanic and the Surgon

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift
when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey,
who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service
manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage,
'Hey, DeBakey is that you? Come over here a minute.'

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris
was working on a car.

Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively,
'So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out,
grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will
purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you
and me are doing basically the same work?' DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to
Morris ...'Try doing your work with the engine running.'

 

Microsoft Air Traffic Control

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a
couple of really important executives on board into Seattle
airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and
his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and
after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very
nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall
building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.
Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window:
'Hey, where am I?'. The solitary office worker replies: 'You're
in an airplane.'. The pilot immediately executes a swift 275
degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the
airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the
engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers
ask the pilot how he did it.

'Elementary,' replies the pilot, 'I asked the guy in that
building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100%
correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be
Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three
minutes away on a course of 87 degrees.'

 

 

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