Sarsfields Newsletter

THE SASH Thursday July 30th  2009

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club. 

Champs:

Camogie Final : Sarsfields V Leixlip.

Congratulations to our senior camogie team who won the league last night beating Leixlip in Johnstownbridge score line of 04-08 to 00-03. Well done to the management team of Joe Murray, Fiona Sully and Denise McGann for all their hard work throughout the year.

Kildare V Tyrone

Best Wishes to Dermot , Alan And Gary in Sunday’s AllIreland Quarter Final against the All- Ireland Champions Tyrone.

International Rules Series Deferred for 12 Months
 
The GAA and the AFL have announced that this year’s planned International Rules Series, due to take place in Limerick and Croke Park on the 24th and 31st of October 2009, has been deferred for 12 months at the request of the Australian Football League (A.F.L).
 
Uachtarán Chumann Lúthchleas Gael Criostóir Ó Cuana explained that the world economic situation had caused a major re-think for the AFL, prompting it to seek to defer the series for 12 months, a request the GAA had reluctantly agreed to. He said the GAA had been most anxious for the Series to proceed as planned, particularly in view of the huge amount of work that had already been carried out by Team management, officials and the organising committees on both sides of the world. However, he said he also appreciated the financial realities being faced by the AFL and the shortfalls in their budgetary projections due to the global economic downturn and associated losses in sponsorship, corporate hospitality, Television and other revenues.
 
AFL Chief Executive Andrew Demetriou said the decision to seek a deferral of the series for 12 months had been a difficult decision to make as the AFL valued the GAA relationship very strongly.
 
‘The relationship with the GAA and the exchange of information over the last decade has been extremely important to us for the growth of the AFL as an organisation,’ Mr Demetriou said. ‘The current global situation has severely impacted on the sponsorship and support opportunities available for sporting organisations around the world and we needed to make a responsible decision and wait for 12 months. I’d like to thank the GAA for their professionalism and understanding in working through this decision, which indicates how strong our relationship continues to be.’
 
The GAA President added that the deferral of the Series was a huge disappointment for everyone involved, but that he had received a guarantee from the AFL that Australia will travel to Ireland in October 2010 for a resumption of the Series. He said the GAA had been ready to announce Team and Series sponsorships and media rights arrangements. He said the Ireland team management under the guidance of Sean Boylan had also been preparing diligently for the games in recent months and that he knew the postponement of the Series would constitute a huge disappointment to the Irish players and management.
 
However, he said he was most sorry for the GAA community in Limerick, who had put in an enormous amount of work in preparing for the visit of the Australians in October. He said it was the intention of the GAA to ensure that the commitment made to Limerick GAA in respect of the 2009 Series would be honoured in 2010 and that all things being equal the Gaelic Grounds would host the 1st Test in 2010.
 
Since competition between Australia and Ireland resumed in 1999, the two countries have played 10 series with both teams winning five apiece. Ireland holds a 10-8 advantage, with two draws, from the 20 Test matches played.

Leinster GAA News
 GAA Launches Codes of Best Practice and Behaviour

Uachtarán Chumann Lúthchleas Gael Criostóir Ó Cuana yesterday unveiled the Association’s Codes of Best Practice in Youth Sport and Behaviour in the company of the Minister for Children and Youth Affairs Mr Barry Andrews TD at Croke Park.

The purpose of the two codes is to provide realistic and achievable guidance for all units and branches of the GAA family in their work with children and young people.

With more than 14,000 active juvenile teams, the GAA will liaise with its Children’s Officers – at club and county level, Games and Coaching personnel, County Boards and Provincial Councils in addition to team Managers, Coaches, Mentors, Parents/Guardians and other Club personnel who work with teams to assist in a comprehensive roll out of the programmes.

Praising those involved with the initiative, the GAA President said: ‘We speak a lot about our commitment to the youth of the country and we take that responsibility seriously.

‘Today‘s initiative could hardly be more significant and it underlines our desire to put in place the best possible structures and supports. The purpose of the two Codes is quite simply to provide realistic and achievable guidance for all units of the GAA in our work with children and young people.

‘Of course the publication and roll out of these guides represents the start of this project, not the end. We in the GAA will rely on the commitment and hard work of so many of our members to ensure that the highest standards are reached in an area of utmost importance.’

The Minister for Children and Youth Affairs stated that ‘The GAA is to be complimented on its excellent work in ensuring that all persons working with young people develop a greater awareness of their responsibilities, including those relating to child protection’.

The GAA also confirmed that Dublin has become the first county to complete the distribution of vetting forms for mentors to all of its clubs.

Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming Week. 

Would all managers please text or email results of their matches to the club PRO Tony Ryan tonyr06@eircom.net Ph. 087-2767338. We have to contact the County Board with our match results so it is important that all managers send us the results of your match, you can also send your results to this email address sarsfieldsgaa@gmail.com.

 New Sash Magazine 

More Stupid Quotes. 

‘Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.’
– Dan Quayle , former idiot American vice President. 

‘Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind.’ – General William Westmoreland

‘I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body.’
– Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. 

‘As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected
error.’
– Weisert 

‘The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45.’
– Mike Murphy, adviser to Lamar Alexander

‘I cannot tell you how grateful I am — I am filled with
humidity.’
– Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House 

‘Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again.’
– Sen. Chris Dodd (D, Conn.), on the Don Imus show, on
  campaigning

Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News. 

Russian Obama

U.S. President Barack Obama has inspired an
African immigrant to proclaim himself the ‘Obama of Volgograd’
and run for mayor in the southern Russian region.

Campaign posters for Zhoakim Krima, a 37-year-old water melon
salesman from West Africa’s Guinea-Bissau, have appeared along
the main roads in the Volgograd town of Sredny Akhtub, daily
newspaper Nezavisimaya Gazeta reported Wednesday.

But his campaign slogan, playing on the rampant stereotypes in
provincial Russia, seems unlikely to win Obama’s support –
Krima has pledged to ‘work day and night like a slave’ for the
good of the town, the newspaper reported.

The prevalence of hate crimes and the general distrust of
migrants force most blacks to lead low-profile lives in Russia,
where the African-born population is tiny.

Head’s high spirits.

BUCKHANNON, W.Virginia. – A high school principal who admitted jumping
atop a pile of students during a cafeteria food fight has been
fired. The Upshur County Board of Education voted Tuesday to
oust Brenda Wells from Buckhannon-Upshur High School. She’d been
suspended since late May.

Wells said earlier this month that she jumped onto what she
called ‘a dog pile’ of four or five students while attempting to
stop a food fight.

Wells said she jumped on the pile to relieve the tension. She
said she was back on her feet before you could count to one.

She said it was all in fun. 

Do you  Kelly Katrina Hildebrandt, 20, and Kelly Carl
Hildebrandt, to be your lawful  husband?

MIAMI – This October, Kelly Hildebrandt will vow to share her
life with a man who already shares her name.

This is no joke. Kelly Katrina Hildebrandt, 20, and Kelly Carl
Hildebrandt, 24, expect just over 100 guests at a ceremony at
the Lighthouse Point Yacht & Racquet Club in South Florida,
where they will become husband and wife.

The pair met on face book when Kelly decided she’d put her name
in a search to see if anyone popped up and Kelly was the only
person who popped up so she messaged him just to say hi and told
him she thought it was cool that they shared names.

Now after a year and a half of phone calls and drives back and
forth to each other the spark grew into love and they are ready
to wed.

True Story 

Only in Kanata, eh?

Canada is an Indian word meaning ‘Big Village.’

 
When Jacques Cartier disembarked on the shores of the St.
Lawrence River, he picked up Huron-Iroquois guides, to take him
inland, and along the waterways.

They came upon the village of Stradacona, which is the present-
day Quebec City. The young Indians told the French explorers,
that this was a ‘kanata’, or village. As they continued their
explorations, and for those who followed them, the word ‘kanata’
came to represent the entire region north of the St. Lawrence
River. Early maps from the mid 1500s, are thought to be the
first to record the existence of Canada as a single region.

As fur traders and explorers pushed westward and southward, the
area that comprised Canada, spread to include northern portions
of the American mid-west, and at one time extended as far south
as what is now Louisiana.

Because of the high concentration of people in what is now the
area of Quebec and Ontario, it was at one time split into Upper
and Lower Canada, then rejoined as the Province of Canada. Upon
confederation in 1867, it became the name of the entire country.

 

True Story 2

The Wasp That Stings Underwater

Australia’s box jellyfish has toxins more potent than the venom
in cobras. A person who is stung can die within minutes.
They are the most dangerous marine creatures alive, responsible
for more deaths than the combined victims of stonefish, sharks
and crocodiles. They are sea wasps, or more commonly, the Box
Jellyfish, which is found in the region of northern Australia
and the Indo-Pacific.

The Box Jellyfish has a slightly more defined body than other
species, being a dome, or bell-shape that has four sides, hence
the ‘box’ part of its name. The sides may measure as long as 8′,
and the main body can weigh 4-5 pounds.

At each corner of the ‘box’, are clusters of 15 tentacles that
can measure more than six feet. Up to 5,000 nematocysts, or
stinging cells, line the tentacles. The box jellyfish literally
lets its food swim into it, and because it’s hair like
extensions can tear so easily, struggling prey must be killed
immediately.

The venom that is injected through its stings is both cardio and
neuro toxic. If there is no anti venom available, the chances of
survival are very slim, even with resuscitation. However, even
though the tentacles are sticky and cling to the victim’s body
after they have come in contact, it is possible to render the
stinging cells inactive, by pouring household vinegar on them.
This may cut off further injection of the poison and increase
the chance of survival.

Humour.

Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue:

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a ‘begging letter’. It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a ‘tax demand’. This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the ‘endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat’ has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from ‘pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers’ might indicate that your decision to ‘file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies’ is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a ‘lackwit bumpkin� or, come to that, a ‘sodding charity’. More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay ‘go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services’, a moment’s rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to ‘stump up for the whole damned party’ yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor’s disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on ‘junkets for Bunterish lickspittles’ and ‘dancing whores’ whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, ‘that box-ticking fa�ade of a university system.’

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don’t simply write ‘Muggins’ on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that ‘sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give’ has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn’t render it irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to ‘give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India’ you would still owe us the money.

Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations

A Batch of Oscar Wilde’s Wit

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

A poet can survive everything but a misprint.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.

A true friend stabs you in the front.

All art is quite useless.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.

Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.

As yet, Bernard Shaw hasn’t become prominent enough to have any enemies, but none of his friends like him.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.

It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But… it is better to be good than to be ugly.

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.

Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.

Now that the House of Commons is trying to become useful, it does a great deal of harm.

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.

The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.

There is no sin except stupidity

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong

Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.


Jim and Bob are golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded
ravine and climbs down in search of it.

Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that
the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying
near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, ‘Hey Bob, I got
trouble down here.’

Bob calls out, ‘What’s the matter Jim?’

Jim shouts back, ‘Throw me my 7-iron. You can’t get out of here
with an 8-iron.’ 

Pick up  a penguin(s)

A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on
the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100
to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees
and loads the penguins on the bus.

An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to
the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins
driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and
pulls them over.

The zoo worker yells, ‘I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to
the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?’

‘Calm down,’ the bus driver says, ‘I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I’m taking them to the
movies.’ 

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him
and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left
of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped
up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights
behind him.

‘There?s no way they can catch a Mercedes,’ he thought to
himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…Then
the reality of the situation hit him.

‘What am I doing?’ he
thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and
examined it and the car.

‘It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s
Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need
the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really
good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you
can go.’