News

Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Friday July10th 2009

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club. 

 

Niall Hedderman Sustains Serious Injury

 

The club sends its best wishes to Niall Hedderman who sustained serious facial injuries on Wednesday night last in the SFL against Kilcock. Niall will undergo an operation on Monday,

 
 
Good Luck Kildare

 

Best wishes to both Kildare teams and to our Sash players who will play in the Leinster Finals on Sunday against Dublin. Alan Barrett and Donachadh McDonnell with the minors and Dermot Earley, Alan Smith and Gary White with the seniors. What a great ocassion for Kidare football. Hope fully it will be a day  remember. Irrespective of what happens on Sunday Kildare foorball is on an upward graph.

 

Leinster Final: Kildare or Dublin? View from both sides.

 

Dublin for the All-Ireland, Kildare for Leinster?

 

View from the Plains.

Kildare Nationalist.

 

THERE is a strange atmosphere in Kildare at the moment. Leinster finals don’t come around too often but they could have picked a better weekend.

It’s not just that half the county are heading to Punchestown for the Oxegen music festival. Kildare have to gear themselves up for their biggest game in six years a week after hosting the country’s biggest football festival.

So you’ll forgive supporters if you don’t hear them yahooing down main street until the end of the week. After three days of All-Ireland Féile peil na n'g, during which 160 teams competed for ten national titles, let us draw breath as we prepare to watch Kildare play Dublin in both the senior and minor deciders for the first time since 1975.

Could we be so bold as to beat Dublin on the double in the same day at Croke Park? There is no reason not to believe in Kildare anymore. The minors are managed by Bryan Murphy, a man who knows what it takes to be a hero, and Kieran McGeeney has always had a kind of Superman quality.

But no hero is complete without a nemesis bearing kryptonite and Dublin could well be Lex Luther in disguise. Their weapons of choice are brothers by the name of Brogan and if they light a fuse long enough Kildare could explode.

We don’t expect they will and what’s more we know that Kildare’s explosive attack is capable of beating most teams right now. It just so happens that Dublin’s full-back line is frail like old lace. Kildare’s lines of attack have treated previous opponents like arsenic, killing them swiftly but not softly.

Ultimately all of this will hinge on midfield where we really believe Kildare are much stronger. In all their games so far this year Kildare have faced uncertain opponents, Sunday’s match is no different.

Dublin’s weaknesses will be exposed and it might just steel them for a crack at a bigger prize later in the year but for now Kildare’s hunger should yield a provincial crown for the first time since 2000.

Verdict: Kildare by three  

Time for players to hide in the long grass

 

By Tadgh Fenin

SO there I was pushing my way through a crowd at a function last Friday night when a man with no teeth who was devouring a ham sandwich cornered me. Beckoning me to sit down he uttered the question everyone wants to know: “Well are we going to win on Sunday?” “I’m just on my way to see someone in the lounge,” I said “shur I’ll stop on my way back.” I did stop with our toothless friend and he left satisfied to hear I thought we would win after I had gone through the whole team on both sides!

But for players this is the one question they don’t want to hear this week. It is impossible to answer without having a 20 minute debate so it makes sense for players to steer well clear of functions and crowds this week as they try and clear the mind and stay focused on the job in hand this Sunday.

This week I am co-ordinating a VHI Cúl Camp in the Sarsfields club and to be honest I couldn’t think of a better place to be in the run up to a Leinster final. The Kildare jerseys are out in force and some children are bursting to explain how this could be Kildare’s year. Some of their analysis’ would give Pat Spillane a run for his money and if what I am hearing in the 6-7 yrs old group the Dubs don’t stand a chance and might as well not bother togging out!

On a more serious note Sunday’s game will hinge on a couple of key areas. Both fullback lines will be the centre of attention as the scoring power of the respective full-forward lines will be a worry for both managers. Neither Mick Foley and co or Denis Bastick and his corner men have yet to be tested this year so it will be interesting to see who marks who, and where the weaknesses are.

I expect Alan Smith and the lads to continue their exceptional form in front of goal and this could be the key to Kildare winning another provincial title. Without doubt Bernard Brogan and Conal Keaney will need watching but if Kildare’s defenders play tight and hit hard Kildare can come out on top.

The platform on which our forwards thrive is provided by the passing and movement of Mikey Conway and Brian Flanagan. With Dermot Earley and Ronan Sweeney rolling back the years the forward division have had a plentiful supply of ammunition.

How will Dublin combat this? They could plan on making Mikey concentrate on his defensive duties and they will expect Alan Brogan to handle a lot of the ball as his passing is vital to how well the Dubs inside line performs. Kildare have a massive work ethic all over the field and it will require a high level of fitness from the half-forward line to help win the middle sector battle.

While the county is buzzing at the idea of two Kildare teams in a Leinster final, the players will be preparing as usual for another game. No matter how they try to avoid the hype it is inevitable that the players will feel more pressure this week than they have before any of the previous games.

Croke Park will be near full capacity and players will have to keep telling themselves it is just another game. I can remember when I was lucky enough to play in a Leinster final, I was nervous but nothing above the ordinary - that was until I was walking around in the parade before the game. I had a moment for just about five seconds where I was filled with dread and I just wanted to go home.

Thankfully it passed and once the ball was thrown in all the nerves went out the window. Every player deals with the big games differently, the media will want interviews and quotes and friends and neighbours request tickets, usually the management deals with the media pressures and the county board take care of the tickets.

One year Brian Lacey did a modeling slot on a morning tv show the week of the Leinster final, management went ballistic.

Players were even known to play golf the day before a big game without thinking that an injury might occur. I remember a previous manager telling us not to be outside the day before a big game in case we got sunburn. I realised this rule prevented me from doing any work outside the house, i.e. cutting the grass! The longer our championship run went the longer the grass grew in our house, although an un-kept garden was a small price to pay for a Leinster medal.

It’s going to be a great day to be a Lilywhite this Sunday with the minors also gunning for a provincial glory and I’d like to wish Bryan Murphy and his selectors and players the very best of luck on Sunday. With both teams having a great chance let’s hope it will be a double celebration on Sunday evening.

My prediction? I won’t be greedy, Kildare to claim another Leinster senior by two points.

 

 

View From the Hill.

Pacy Dubs attack can unlock Lilies defence

By Coman Goggins former Dublin footballer and Sunday Game analyst.

 

DUBLIN stand 70 minutes away from lifting a fifth consecutive Delaney Cup if they can overcome Kieran McGeeney's Kildare in Croke Park on Sunday.

However, arguably for the first time in three years, the ‘if' factor has the potential to scupper the Dubs’ 16-game unbeaten run in the province, as the Lilies themselves are driven to end a barren nine-year spell without silverware.

In just his second year at the helm, McGeeney has moved this team from preliminary-round |losers in 2008, to genuine provincial contenders in the space of 12 months.

A massive amount of the Armagh man's native county's attributes, borrowed from his own glory years, have been drilled into his group of players. He’s created a much more physical and dogged team with an immense work ethic that has produced gradual improvements in their three Championship outings so far this summer.

STUMBLING

Aligned to this, McGeeney and his management have worked hard on score-taking and score-creation, a major stumbling block in the past. They have a healthy scoring average in the Championship of 2-15, but more eye-catching is that they have netted five times in their three outings.

For several years now, John Doyle has been the scorer-in-chief for Kildare, and although, once again, he sits on top of the scoring chart with 0-14 (10f) this year, he is joined at the summit by hard-working wing half-forward James Kavanagh, who has bagged an impressive 2-8, all of which have come from play.

Kavanagh and Ronan Sweeney are perhaps the epitome of McGeeney's new-look Kildare, happy to track back the field to help out in defensive duties, but equally adept at linking the play and taking scores in a Kildare attack that is high on self-belief right now. There has also been the emergence of Mikey Conway, |Kildare’s dynamic, creative wing-back who likes to get forward and can take a score - he is one of many Kildare players who Dublin will need to have done their homework on.

While, from an attacking sense, the Lilies have been blooming, defensively, in my view, they haven't answered the big questions yet, and given that Dublin ran riot last time out, scoring 4-19 from play, albeit against a very poor Westmeath, I believe that Gilroy's front six, particularly his full-forward line, could pose major problems for Kildare.

Hugh McGrillen, a midfielder for his club, Celbridge, has performed admirably in his corner-back duties so far. At times, he picks up the roaming inside forward on the opposition team. And this means that his |defensive skills have not been tested to the limit.

Unlike in previous years, where Dublin have rotated their forwards, Gilroy seems happy to play three inside, which could mean more of a spotlight is cast on McGrillen's defensive game.

In front of him, the pace of team-mate Brian Flanagan at centre-back will be tested to the full, and may be another area Dublin will look to exploit. Alan Brogan's endless energy levels see him cover every blade of grass in headquarters, and if he can get his hands on quality possession in the attacking half of the pitch, his speed and experience could give Dublin a key attacking platform.

ACE UP SLEEVE

That said, McGeeney may hold an ace up his sleeve from his club involvement with Na Fianna. He soldiered with Jason Sherlock when he was with the Mobhi Road club, and most probably has a good idea of any perceived weakness in the armoury of the St Oliver Plunkett’s attacker.

McGeeney has also competed against many of this Dublin team in club, league and Championship games through the years, and would have a good measure of the likes of St Vincent’s duo Diarmuid Connolly and Ger Brennan. In a game that has the potential to be a tight encounter, this insider knowledge may give an even sharper edge to proceedings. Defensively, Dublin have some problems of their own, none more so than in their full-back line where Gilroy and co have had to tinker once more – Paddy Andrews replaces semi-final debutant Rory O'Carroll who, bizarrely, has decided to go travelling.

It may be hard for some to |fathom the decision of young Dublin defender O'Carroll to choose travelling abroad with his friends over a Leinster final appearance, but others may see it as a sign of the new generation's desire for things other than Gaelic football.

Ten years ago, when I was handed a jersey by Tommy Carr, it was the realisation of a dream and the beginning of a journey where holidays, socialising and life in general were put on hold in my efforts to compete for the jersey on a regular basis and to fulfil my ultimate ambition of winning an All-Ireland title.

While I didn't achieve the latter, I certainly don't regret the effort over eight Championship seasons. However, life in Ireland has changed, and the new generation can explore other opportunities, and a county jersey is perhaps no longer a top priority.

In fairness to Gilroy, over the course of the year he has stated that his aim is to have 20 players who he can call on in the heat of the Championship, and with Kildare sure to put up a stern test of Dublin's All-Ireland credentials, his bench may be called on to carry the Dubs over line.

Ciarán Whelan (who is looking to make in his 11th Leinster final appearance), Bryan Cullen, Shane Ryan and Tomás Quinn can all expect to see game-time on Sunday, and this experience, in tandem with Dublin's pace up front, should be sufficient to make it 17 games in Leinster not out, and book a place in the All-Ireland quarter-finals.

- Coman Goggins

 

 

 

 

 

Féile Success for Sarsfields on and off the Pitch.

 

Well done to our U14 Boys team, a team with huge potential who were unbeaten in their Division 1 group only losing out to eventual Féile winners Ballyboden st Enda’s on scoring difference after drawing with the champions to be and beating Legion, Killarney 1-8 to 0-4 and Athy 2-9 to 1-2.Well done to manager Sean O'Sullivan, along with selectors Padraig Scully and Kevin McCormack. Well done to our two Girls teams and second Boys team who enjoyed the experience of taking part in a national competition. The club would like to thank the Féile committee for all the hard work that that they put in over the last six months that ensured that the Féile was such a tremendous success.

 

 

 Sash Boys Do US Proud

By Shane Scanlon

Pride of place in Sarsfields this week goes to the phenomenal performances put in by the boys U14A team in last weekend’s hugely-successful National Feile.

Sean O’Sullivan, along with selectors Padraig Scully and Kevin McCormack, sent out a team which went through the competition unbeaten – only to suffer the agony of going out to eventual champions, Ballyboden St Enda’s, on scoring difference.

First up for the boys was the clash against our visitors, Legion of Killarney, but the Kerry champions were just unable to cope with the slick brand of football played in Sarsfields Park on Friday.

Aided a tremendous double-save by Paddy Kyne early on, Sarsfields soon settled as Sean Dempsey and Cian McConnell pulled the strings at midfield. A brace of points from Darragh McHugh and a well-taken goal from Cian ‘Chilly’ Byrne gave the home side a 1-3 to 0-1 lead at half-time.

Legion tried manfully to battle back, but stout-hearted defending from Oisin Mahon, Gavin Aspell and the outstanding Cian Lynch kept the Kerry side at bay and Sarsfields pulled away for a 1-8 to 0-4 win.

On Saturday, Ballyboden raced into an early lead, but they got little change out of the Sarsfields defence with the Kavanagh brothers, Paddy and Con, Stephen Moore and Diarmuid Hartley playing superbly. The Dublin side led by 0-3 to 0-1 at the interval, but struggled to sized the initiative.

Ballyboden edged three points ahead in the closing stages, but they were in for a late shock. Deep in injury-time, a through ball from Alan Scully looked to be going into the Ballyboden goalie’s hands but Cian Scanlon showed tremendous bravery to steel in and palm the ball to the net. The final whistle followed: Sarsfields 1-1, Ballyboden 0-4.

Buoyed by the confidence of that result, the Sarsfields youngsters turned in their best performance of the weekend in the first half of their final game against Athy. Inspired by the team spirit shown by TJ Carroll and Tom Aspell, they raced out of the starting blocks with the help of great goals from Ben McCormack and Dylan Burke. Sarsfields led by 10 points at the interval and while Athy bravely battle back in the second half, Kyne’s brilliance in goals ensured it was O’Sullivan’s charge who ran out 2-9 to 1-2 winners.

It was cruel on the team to be edged out on points difference after the tremendous effort they put in, but the fact that Ballyboden went on to become national feile champions underlines the huge potential which this squad possesses.

Sarsfields squad: TJ Carroll, Gavin Aspell, Oisin Mahon, Tom Aspell, Dylan Burke, Paddy Kyne, Sean Dempsey, Cian McConnell, Con Kavanagh, Paddy Kavanagh, Cian Scanlon, Alan Scully, Ben McCormack, Stephen Moore, Diarmuid Harley, Darragh McHugh, Cian Lynch, Cian Byrne.

 

Many thanks to all our club volunteers who worked so hard to make Féile a special occasion for the teams that we hosted last weekend - Legion, Killarney, Mourne Abbey, Cork, St Joseph’s, Leitrim and Sean O’Mahony’s, Louth. The visiting teams and their mentors were very appreciative of the welcome they received and the way that they were looked after by Sarsfields over the weekend which culminated in a disco for the players in the function room and music for the adults in the bar and a presentation to all four teams on Saturday night by the club. Many thanks also to the parents who provided accommodation for the visiting players.

 

 

Message From Club Secretary Tony McConnell:

Well done to all the Feile teams who done extremely well over the weekend and especially the boys ''A'' team who narrowly missed out on a semi-final slot on points difference to the Feile champs Ballyboden St Enda's. They boys went undefeated over the weekend. Photos and match reports of the weekend will be up on the web site shortly.

A BIG THANK YOU to everybody who came and a gave a hand over the weekend and in the week leading up to the Feile where tremendous work was done to have the club looking brilliant over the weekend. It was great to see so many members coming out to lend a hand. The feed back from all the visiting teams has been excellent and well done to all the parents of the Feile teams for hosting the 96 visiting players and mentors involved in the Feile.

To Shane, Stephen, Ann and Liam from all in Sarsfields well done for organising such an excellent Feile ye left no stone unturned to ensure a smooth running of the Feile in Sarsfields and all the teams went away with a fantastic impression of Sarsfields Gaa.


 

 

                         

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming Week. 

 

Would all managers please text or email results of their matches to the club PRO Tony Ryan tonyr06@eircom.net Ph. 087-2767338. We have to contact the County Board with our match results so it is important that all managers send us the results of your match, you can also send your results to this email address sarsfieldsgaa@gmail.com.

 

 

 

MFC: Wednesday 15July Sarsfields V Round Towers in Moorefield at 7.30

 

 

 

 



 

 

More Stupid Quotes.   

 

I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid. - Terry Bradshaw

 

'Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.'
- Gyrator, Chicago Rotary Club journal  

 

'It's nice, it gives you a feeling of security so that if
something breaks we know we can always call a guy over and he'll
bring a drill or something.'
- Brooke Shields, Actress, on why it was is good to live in a
  co-ed dormitory when she was in college. 

 


'My spirit or soul did not like the way I was being seen and
that is why I was sent to jail. God has released me.'
- Paris Hilton to Barbara Walters, June 8


 

 

Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.

 


Man uses petrol as cleaner

A man blew up his house as he washed his kitchen floor with a cleaning fluid mixed with petrol. The fumes were ignited by the boiler in his living room.

The blast blew out the bay window and wrecked ceilings and walls in Ron Cox's home. He had been using Cillit Bang to get glue off his kitchen floor tiles, but he found it such hard
work he thought petrol would help. As the fumes wafted through the house there was an explosion  as they came into contact with the pilot light on the gas boiler. Newspapers reported that Mr Cox said, 'I didn't realise what had happened at first. I couldn't believe the damage. It was just a cupful. Lucky I was in the kitchen and no one else was in the house.'

He has now moved out of the house in Scunthorpe, Lincs, while it is repaired. His neighbour, Dave, told the reporter, 'We heard an almighty bang. I rushed round and found Ron shocked but unhurt.' Dave put out a fire in the lounge and dialled 999.

Humberside fire chief Stuart Spence said: 'Ron is very lucky. Nobody should ever try to use petrol as a cleaner.'  

 


Holy Show

 

WEBSTER, Texas - Police in Texas said they used a Taser on a
pastor and pepper spray on his congregants after the man
interfered with a traffic stop in the church parking lot. Police
said the traffic stop Wednesday morning involved a member of the
Iglesia Profetica Peniel church in its parking lot in Webster,
southeast of Houston.

The department's incident report says Officer Raymond Berryman
tried to calm 42-year-old Jose Elias Moran and arrest him, but
he pushed the officer, entered the church and returned with 40
other congregants.

The family said Moran did not touch the officer. Moran's son
Miguel said 30 witnesses saw the police officer turn aggressive
and repeatedly kick the church door.

Moran was charged with interfering in the duties of a police
officer.  

 

Money doesn’t Grow on . . .

 

NEW YORK  Money doesn't grow on trees, but a tree-care
supervisor in New York City's Central Park found an old wallet
inside a dead one.

The blue leather wallet had been stolen by a pickpocket 27 years
ago. It was found in the hollow of a dying cherry tree. It was
near where Ruth Bendik had hers swiped while she watched the New
York City Marathon in 1982.

The 69-year-old Upper East Side resident says the only thing
missing was $20 in cash. Her credit cards were still there. So
were her student ID from Columbia University Teachers College
and an employee ID from Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center.

The park worker says he found the wallet last week under five
feet of compost. Police tracked down Bendik the next day.  

 

 


Resumption of Hostilities?

 

GOMA, Congo (Reuters)  Independence day fireworks sent terrified
Congolese sprinting for cover on Tuesday in fear that war had
broken out again in their eastern city.

Officials had organized the display in Goma to highlight efforts
to end more than a decade of conflict in the Democratic
Republic
of Congo and to show a sign of normal life returning to the
region, where a peace deal took hold in January.

But residents feared it was a raging gun battle.

'I hit the ground not knowing what was going on,' said 23-year-
old student Aminata Kavugho.

Around 5.4 million people have died as a result of Congo's
1998-2003 war and the ongoing humanitarian catastrophe, making
it the world's deadliest conflict since World War II.


 
True Story.

Too Cold To Claim
Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by
any country.

  
Antarctica is a place that nobody wants. But then, some of them
don't want anyone else to have it either. As a consequence,
several countries with scientific and other interests have
signed treaties stating that no one of them owns the
region/continent, and that research may be carried out by
anyone. However, in one of their wisest moves, there have been
two conventions signed since 1988, to protect Antarctica from
mineral exploration, and preserve its natural image.

Recently, restorers working on a 230-year old landscape by
British artist Thomas Hodges, discovered that the canvas
appeared thicker in some places than others. Using x-ray
machines, they discovered that underneath the lush tropical view
of New Zealand, was a region further south and much colder.

Beneath the New Zealand landscape, painted during Captain Cook's
1772 voyage to discover the mythical southern continent, was the
stark scene of two icebergs. Up until this peeling back of paint
layers, it was thought the only early images of the Antarctic
were the rough sketches done by sailors and explorers.

Not so. Hodges had accompanied Cook on his epic voyage, one
would assume to record the triumphant discovery of a non-
existent land. Instead, he painted scenes of the lands and
people that were already known. So why did he cover up the
iceberg painting, and why are there no more of them?

Theories suggest that Hodges either ran out of supplies, or lost
some to damage during the voyage, and when presented with the
impressive scenery of New Zealand, opted to capture that, rather
than hold onto the rather dull scene of ice floating in the
water. Whether he painted any other Antarctic scenes is unknown.
But perhaps they lay waiting under other of his pictures.
  

True Story 2 

When Someone Is Really 'Axe'-ing For It
 
When Man first got off all fours and started picking things up,
he learned to defend himself with whatever came to hand. He
might have thrown a piece of wood, or a rock. Either by accident
or experimentation, Man ended up tying a rock to a piece of
wood, and he had the first axe, albeit a pretty dull one.

Over the years, the axe morphed from large, unwieldy things to
smaller, more useful tools for cutting down trees, and even
trimming the limbs with a smaller version, the hatchet. Many a
woodsman is very fussy about the metal and wood that goes into
this most prized of tools, and hence we have books like Dudley
Cook's 'Keeping Warm With an Axe', which hones in on the best in
blades and handles.

Historically, axes have figured in a number of interesting
scenes and events, including depictions of that wild Scotsman
William Wallace, the literary giant Paul Bunyan, and the song
that goes along with the legend of Lizzie Borden.

But you're wondering about the expression 'old battle-axe',
aren't you? Well, it seems that the original battleaxe goes back
5,000 years, to when it was created specifically as a weapon of
war.

The expression as it applies to women, did not come into use
until the mid 1800s, when skirmishes between settlers and Native
Americans were often recounted with details of their tomahawks,
or battleaxes. A women's rights magazine, titled 'The Battle
Axe', in trying to convince the public of their sincerity, was
presumed to have been written and run by a bunch of belligerent,
elderly spinsters, with too much time on their hands.


 

 



True Story 3 


 
You're Expecting What?

The Aphid's (lice) reproductive cycle is so fast that females
are born pregnant.
Human reproductive technology has certainly stood the scientific
world on its head over the last 30 years, but in Nature, some of
the ways that life on Earth regenerates, is downright strange.

Aphids are born pregnant. In fact, they are pregnant before they
are born. The common aphid, of which there are 4400 species,
produces only female offspring, which are already pregnant with
the next generation, allowing for quick multiplication of their
numbers. In their growing phase, they may become males, or
remain asexual.

Female Asian elephants reach sexual maturity at 9-12 years, but
the males may not mate until they are 30 years old, when they
are strong enough to compete for females. The gestation for an
elephant is 22 months.

While earthworms have both sets of sexual organs, they cannot
reproduce on their own. They must mate with another worm, after
which, eggs are formed in a slime tube that is shed over the
worm's head, and left on the ground.

Clams are classed as a bi-valve, which simply means they have
two shells. The clam draws water in through a siphon, where
plankton is filtered out to feed it, and then waste and excess
water is passed out through the 'exhalant' siphon. When clams
reproduce, the eggs develop inside their body, and the miniscule
larva are then expelled through the exhalant siphon, where they
fall to the bottom of the sea/ocean. They then wait for a
passing fish or sea creature to brush against them, and they
fasten themselves to their skin. The skin eventually grows over
them and creates a cyst, out of which they burst at maturity,
and fall to the floor once more, to grow into adulthood.

 

 

 

 

Humour. 

Norman and Libby

Norman was in his front garden mowing his lawn, when his neighbour, Libby, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

Ten minutes later Libby came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily she stormed back into the house.

As Norman was putting his mower away, Libby came out once again.  She marched up to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed.

Puzzled by her distress Norman asked, 'What's wrong with your mailbox Libby?'

To which she replied, 'It's my stupid computer it keeps telling me, 'New Mail has Arrived'.'

 

Woman of the House

The husband had just finished reading the book 'Man of the House.'

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said,

'From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law.  I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert.  Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.  And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

His wife replies, 'the funeral director would be my guess.

Popemobile

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around
Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
 
'Driver? Can I drive for a while?'

'Sure,' says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the
Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around
Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty
,
cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the
Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks,
and goes back to the car.

'We got somebody really important here,' he says to his partner.

'Who is it? Is it a senator?'
 
'No. More important.'

'The president?'

'No. More important.'

'An ambassador? Who?'

'I don't know. But the Pope is his driver.'

 

Desert Island Castaway

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, who spends all his time playing golf decided to take a vacation He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the can can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. 'You mean you have golf course here ' he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.









 
 
 

 

Request a Demo

Let us show you how it works
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.