THE SASH Thursday June 11th 2009

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club. 

WEXFORD may be without injured shooting star Matty Forde but Kildare are refusing to be lulled into any sense of complacency ahead of their Leinster SFC quarter-final meeting in Carlow on Saturday.

And veteran Kildare midfielder Dermot Earley said they are fearful of a backlash from the Model County, having already defeated last year’s beaten Leinster finalists twice this season.

‘Yes, we beat them in the National League and the O’Byrne Cup but they say wounded animals bite harder!’ Earley said, who won the Opel GPA Player of the Month (football) award for May for his Leinster opener display against Offaly.

‘Wexford didn’t have a good league at all but at the same time there’s a huge difference between the league and the championship,’ the Sarsfields stalwart added.

‘They didn’t get to an All-Ireland semi-final last year for nothing. They played in a lot of big games last summer, including a Leinster final and against Tyrone, as well as beating Armagh. Even if Matty Forde is out, Ciaran Lyng is there, so is Red Barry and PJ Banville.

‘Wexford still have some great footballers in their attack and, after their run last year, they’ve probably a lot more experience than us of tight championship games. When you think about that, you take nothing for granted. We’re expecting a very tough game.

Motivational

‘Wexford beat us in the championship in 2004,’ he said of a shock 0-12 to 0-10 defeat, when he was Kildare captain. ‘And Offaly beat us in the championship in 2006. I remember playing in those games and you have to use them as a motivational factor, that all helps drive you on.

‘Beating Offaly was important for us because we hadn’t won a first-round match in three years but we’re expecting a much tougher challenge this weekend,’ Earley admitted.

One encouraging factor for Kildare in Kieran McGeeney‘s second season in charge has been their significantly improved scoring averages.

‘Johnny Doyle would traditionally have been our main scorer and he’s still chipping away with his five or six points a game, but some of the other lads are taking a bit of responsibility off him,’ Earley noted.

‘The forwards have taken the onus on themselves to go out and practise and it’s paying dividends. Our scoring improved during the league and we got a good scoreline against Offaly so hopefully we can get the same on Saturday.’

– Cliona Foley

Leinster Council to cash in on massive Dubs earning power.

But Kildare to lose out on Croke Park semi-final appearance if they beat Wexford.

Girls Reach Final

Well done to the U12 Girls who have qualified for the League Div 1 final after their 4-12 to 0-0 win over Eadstown on Monday. The final will be played on Monday next the Monday 15^th June in Sarsfields Park at 7pm V St Laurence’s

 Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming Week. 

Would all managers please text or email results of their matches to the club PRO Tony Ryan tonyr06@eircom.net Ph. 087-2767338. We have to contact the County Board with our match results so it is important that all managers send us the results of your match, you can also send your results to this email address sarsfieldsgaa@gmail.com.

Club Fixtures 8th – 16th  of June

Monday 8^th of June

Senior League Division 4 @ 7.30pm

Sarsfields V Round Towers Main Pitch Joe Foley

Senior League Division 5 @ 7.30pm

Caragh V Sarsfields  John Mc Loughlin

Senior Challenge Match @ 7.30pm

Sarsfields V Rathvilley 3rd Pitch

Wednesday 10th of June

Minor Football Challenge @ 8.00pm

Sarsfields V Na Fianna Dublin Main Pitch 

Thursday 11^th of June

Junior Hurling @ 7.30pm

Ardclough V Sarsfields

Monday 15^th of June

Senior League Division 4 @ 7.30pm

Sarsfields V Kildangan Main Pitch

Senior League Division 5 @ 7.30pm

Sarsfields V Castledermot 3rd Pitch

Tuesday 16^th of June

Senior Football Division 1 @ 7.30pm

Allenwood V Sarsfields

Bord Na nOg

Sunday 14^th of June

Under 14 League Division 1 @11am

Two Mile House V Sarsfields A

Under 14 League Division 4 @11am

Ellistown V Sarsfields B

Underage Football Fixtures North Board

Saturday 13^th of June

Under 8 North Board 1.30pm

Sarsfields 1 V Carbury 1 3rd Pitch

Sarsfields 2 V Carbury 2 3rd Pitch

Saturday 13^th of June

Under 9 North Board 1.30pm

Clane 1 V Sarsfields 1

Clane 2 V Sarsfields 2

Saturday 13^th of June

 Under 11 Division 1 @ 3pm

Sarsfields V Celbridge 3rd Pitch

Friday June 12th

Under 10 Division 3 Hurling @ 7pm

Sarsfields V Kill 3rd Pitch

Sunday June 14th

Under 12 Division 2 Hurling @ 12 noon

Naas 3 V Sarsfields

Ladies Football

Monday 8th of June

Under 12 Division 1 Semi-Final @ 7pm

Sarsfields V Edestown 2nd Pitch

Thursday 11th of June

Under 14 @ 8pm

Sarsfields V Ballyna Main Pitch

Camoige

More Stupid Quotes.

‘When I pictured heroin, I pictured some crazy crack head with no
shoes under a bridge. You never think that is going to be you.
And it never was me. I was never under a bridge, and I always
had shoes.’
– Nicole Richie, 2007, Nylon magazine

‘They misunderestimated me.’
– George W. Bush

‘This is how I feel, if you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers,
invite us when we don’t win the Super Bowl. As far as I’m
concerned, he would’ve invited Arizona if they had won.’
– James Harrison of the Pittsburgh Steelers, on his decision to
skip a White House visit with his team.

‘Maybe 100.’
– Sen. John McCain, in a January 2008 town hall meeting in  
  Derry, N.Hampshire discussing how many years U.S. troops could
  remain in Iraq.

 
‘Too many ob-gyns aren’t able to practice their love with women
across this country.’
– President George W. Bush, Sept. 6, 2004, while discussing
  malpractice lawsuit reforms.

‘I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like O.J.,
cutting everybody’s throat … I totally understand OJ. I get
it.’
– Hulk Hogan, in an April issue of Rolling Stone magazine,
on his divorce battle with estranged wife Linda Bollea and her
relationship with 19-year-old Charlie Hill. O.J. Simpson was
acquitted of killing his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her
friend Ron Goldman in 1995

Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.

Chicken Noveau

Beijing, China: Health authorities in China are stopping local
eateries in the Guangdong province from selling chicken that
have been killed by poisonous snake bites.

There is a video of the procedure going around on the internet
that shows the chef holding the chicken and forcing a poisonous
snake to repeatedly bite the chicken until it is dead.

The chef then prepares the chicken for a meal to guests who want
to experience the ‘detoxifying’ agents of snake venom in their
chicken.

Health authorities in Guangdong have already told restaurants to
stop serving ‘poisonous snake-bitten chicken’ and now those in
Chongqing have joined in.

Sobbing Robber

Garden City, NY : An attempted robbery ended up being a scene of
forgiveness and a show of a big heart. A man walked into a
convenience store to rob Mohammad Sohail, the store?s owner.
During the attempt the man broke down into tears in front of
Sohail claiming that he was only doing this as a last resort to
feed his starving family.

Sohail was shocked to see a large grown man sobbing on the floor
with a rifle in his hands, so he tossed the man 40 dollars and a
load of bread and asked him to never attempt to rob again. The
man was so thankful for money and bread that he followed in a
Muslim prayer with Sohail. Sohail then went to the back of the store to get the man some milk but when he came to the front the man had fled. Sohail
called the police to report the attempt but told investigators
he didn?t want to press charges if the man was ever caught.

 Drunk under the influence . . . on aLawnmower

VASSALBORO, Maine USA: A man from Maine has been charge with
Operating Under the Influence when he and a friend decided to go
for a beer run, on a riding lawn mower.

Police say 51-year-old Danforth Ross of Vassalboro was charged
May 29.

Trooper Joe Chretien had been alerted by motorists that a man
was driving a wayward lawnmower on the road. Ross’ driver’s
license had been revoked, so the pair opted for the lawn mower.

Ross couldn’t be reached for comment.

Hanging Student

Canberra (Australia) : A student who was part of a mock hanging
demonstration arranged by teachers accidentally fell with the
noose around his neck and this has enraged Australian
authorities. The high school student fell from a table while fellow students,
under the supervision of a teacher, were photographing a staged
hanging as part of an English class project.

‘It beggars belief that such an incident could take place,’
Queensland state Education Minister Geoff Wilson told local
radio on Wednesday. I’m a parent. The last thing I’ve ever wanted any of my
children to do is put a rope around their neck,’ Wilson said.

Students and teachers rushed to the boy and cut the rope when he
fell, Education Queensland Assistant Director-General Lyn
McKenzie said, although local newspapers said the boy turned
blue before he was freed.

The student was allowed to go home with his mother after being
examined by paramedics, while authorities launched an
investigation into how the incident occurred.

True Story.

The word Spain means ‘the land of rabbits.’

What?s In A Name?

‘A rose, by any other name’ may smell as sweet, but a country
relabeled from the original, is sometimes confusing. Did you
ever wonder how some of the world’s countries came to be called
by their present names?

Spain- They were really splitting hares on this one. Phoenician
settlers found such an abundance of hares on the land, they
named it after them. Only they mistook the hares for the hyraxes
of Africa, and named it in a Canaanite dialect, which Latin-
speaking Romans turned into Hispania. Down through the years it
morphed into the Norman French Spagne, and then Spain.

France- The best things in life are free, as were the men who
settled the country. Known as Franks, the country became
literally, ‘the land of free men’. The Franks were a west German
tribe who entered the Roman Empire from Frisia, and established
a new culture in modern day France.

Britain- It wasn’t a made-up name, but a name derived from make-
up. The original inhabitants of the islands were known to wear
elaborate face paint, for which the word Pritani, provided a
place name. Other schools of thought feel that the name was
drawn from the Celtic goddess Brigid.

America- Considering the ballyhoo over Christopher Columbus,
it’s a wonder the United States is not referred to today, as
Columbia. But its name is actually derived from that of a fellow
explorer of the same period, who went basically unnoticed until
after his death in 1512. Amerigo Vespucci, made a reported four
trips to what later became known as the Americas (North and
South), and the surfacing of two letters, Mundus Novus (New
World), and Lettera (Four Voyages) detailing those trips, are
said to have inspired historian/mapmaker Martin Waldseemuller,
to name the country by the feminized Latin version of his name.

Canada- Just a cozy little village. The name is actually from
the Algonquin Indian word k’anata, or little settlement/village.
It was noted by explorers who first visited a community near
present day Stradacona, in the province of Quebec.

True Story 2 

The Drooping Dead Sea

Cities, countries, rivers and even mountains get named for lots of things, most of which you can figure out on your own. But when it comes to the Dead Sea, one has to wonder who died to give it the moniker. The answer is – everything.

The Dead Sea has such a concentrated salinity, that nothing which breathes, swims, wiggles, or basically is recognizable as a life-form, can exist in its waters. The fascinating part is that the Dead Sea is completely landlocked, and nowhere near the Ocean, which can’t hold a shaker to the salt content found here.

Millions of years ago, in this location between Jordan and Israel, the Earth began forming tectonic plates that covered its molten core. You’d think once the outside cooled and hardened, the whole thing would be pretty solid. Not so. Underneath the Dead Sea, the surface of the Earth is becoming thinner by the year, because of a rift that is causing the plates there to separate. As a result, the seabed drops with the movement. Over the millennia, a depression formed that became filled by freshwater rivers that run into it. But there are no waterways that lead out.

Consequently, all of the mineral salts that are picked up in the mountains are carried down to the Dead Sea. And with no outlets, the salts remain there, only to show themselves as water evaporates, particularly around the shoresm which are coated white with it.

The water down to approximately 130 feet, contains 300 grams of salt for every kilogram of water, and past that, a whopping 332 grams. So heavy is the salt content, that it actually manifests itself as residue on the bottom, because the water can’t hold any more. The water itself is so dense, that although there is no marine life, there is plenty of human life that enjoy the fun of bobbing because the salt allows them to float without effort.

True Story 3

It’s All Uphill

In one minute, the heart of a giraffe can pump 160 gallons of blood.

You have to wonder what modern man thought when he first laid eyes on the giraffe. Suddenly, they’re staring at an animal that chews its cud like a cow, has spots like a leopard, and has a body out of proportion to its slender legs and neck. One clue might be found in its Latin name, giraffa camelopardalis. Apparently the Romans boiled the issue down to an animal that was built like a camel and had the coat of a leopard, taking the first part of its name from the Arabic ‘zirafa’, meaning ‘tallest of all’.

Little wonder that they can see for miles, with average sizes ranging from 16-18 feet. But given that elongated neck, and distance from the body, one also has to wonder how its vertical height affects such basic biological operations like blood flow.

For one, the giraffe does not normally bend down except to drink. To do that, it must spread its front legs wide to maintain its balance. That’s a long drop however, and it has to affect their blood pressure. So how does it keep from passing out?

Giraffes have an exceptionally large heart to cope with its special needs. The organ, which can weigh up to 25 pounds and be two feet long, pumps as much as 16 gallons of blood every minute. But its arteries are made up of valves and specially adapted elastic or rigid cells, according to where they are located. In the head and neck, they are particularly flexible, allowing for the absorption of the extra fluid caused by lowering their head below their hearts. In the feet and legs, the arteries are more rigid, forcing the blood back up into the body to avoid swollen ankles.

Humour. 

Three blondes witness a crime so they go to the police station
to identify the suspect. The police chief shows them the first
mug shot.

‘That’s not him,’ the first blonde states. ‘This man only has
one eye.’

The chief is stunned. ‘He only has one eye because it’s a side
profile shot.’ He repeats the procedure for the second blonde.

‘That’s not him. This man only has one ear,’ she answers.

He smacks his head. ‘It’s a side profile shot.’ He repeats the procedure for the third blonde.

After viewing the photo, she says, ‘That’s not him. This man is
wearing contact lenses.’

‘How do you know that?’

‘Well,’ she says, ‘he can’t wear glasses with only one eye and
one ear, now can he?’

 
Unintentional yet funny gaffs from real job application forms

1. ‘I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.’

2. ‘Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.’

3. ‘As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.’

4. ‘Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.’

5. ‘Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.’

6. ‘Marital status: often. Children: various.’

7. ‘Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn’t work under those conditions.’

8. ‘The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

9. ‘Finished eighth in my class of ten.’

10. ‘References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.’

Deadly Visit

A parish Priest is in the hospital and his good friend, a deacon
goes to visit him.

The deacon notices all the medical equipment attached to the
the Parish Priest. He kneels by the bed.

The Parish Priest motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The
deacon hands his friend the pad and pen, and the priest begins
to write. Suddenly, the oriest dies.

At his funeral, the deacon delivers the service. He says, ‘I
was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his
last thought in my coat pocket here. But I never got a chance to read it’

The deacon pulls out the paper and reads, ‘Please, get up.
You’re kneeling on my oxygen hose.’ 

Holy Tee Shot.

Jesus and Moses are out playing golf on a lovely Sunday morning. On the first hole Moses tees off and hits a beautiful shot right down the middle of the fairway. Jesus steps to the tee and says “Watch this, I’m going to drive just like Arnold Palmer”. He then whacks a mean slice that goes right into a pond. Jesus looks at Moses and says” Moses, be a pal and go get that for me”. So Moses goes over to the pond, raises his arms, parts the water, walks in, and retrieves the ball.”

On the second tee Moses again hits his drive straight and true. Jesus steps up and says “Now forget that last hole, I’m going to hit this just like Arnold Palmer would hit it”. Jesus swings the club and hooks the ball right into another pond. Looking embarrassed Jesus says to Moses “C’mon, be a pal and go get that for me”. Moses, who is getting more than a little frustrated with the situation, says “OK Jesus, I’ll get this one, but this is the last time. From now on if you hit it in the water you have to get your own ball”. He then walks over to the pond, raises his arms, parts the water, walks in, and retrieves the ball.

The next hole is a par three over a lake. Moses again hits a perfect shot that comes to rest a few feet from the hole. Jesus tees up his ball and says “OK, Arnold Palmer is the greatest golfer ever and I created Arnold Palmer. So surely I can hit this shot as well as Arnold Palmer”. He hits the ball and it falls well short of the green and plops down into the middle of the lake. He looks over at Moses but Moses shakes his head and says “No way Jesus. I’m not getting it. I told you that if you hit the water again you’d have to get it yourself.” So Jesus throws down his club and walks out across the water.

As Jesus is out walking around on the water looking down trying to find his ball another golfer comes over the hill to the tee where Moses is standing. The golfer looks out across the lake and his jaw drops at the sight. He goes up to Moses pointing out in amazement “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?” Moses just shrugs and grumbles “No, he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer”.

Where is Jesus

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon
down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and
stands next to the Minister.

The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, ‘Mister, are
you ready to find Jesus?’

The drunk looks back and says, ‘Yes sir, I am.’

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him
right back up.

‘Have you found Jesus?’ the Minister asked.

‘No, I didn’t!’ said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings
him up and says, ‘Now brother, have you found Jesus?’

‘No, I did not!’ said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him up and demands, ‘For the grace of
God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??’

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, ‘Are you sure this is
where he fell in?’