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Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Wednesday June 3rd 2009

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.

 

Leinster Leader SFL Sarsfields 3-16 Carbury 1-13

 

 

Sarsfields had their second league win in two days when they comprehensively beat Carbury by 9 points on Thursday night last in Sarsfields Park in a game that was postponed from the previous week due to bad weather. Having beaten Rathangan by 11 points on Tuesday night in a scheduled league tie, Sarsfields have now lifted themselves away from the relegation zone, bagging 4 precious league points in two days equalling the 4 points that they could only manage to achieve in the previous two months.

             In ideal conditions the game was evenly balanced early in the first half with Sarsfields leading 4-3 after Padraig Brennan pointed to edge the Sash ahead midway through the first half. Two Morgan O’ Sullivan points in a minutes and a John Geraghty goal shortly after gave Sarsfields a 6 point lead 1-6 to 0-3. Andrew Darmody cut through the Sarsfields defence in the 21st minute to score an excellent goal but unfortunately sustained a hip injury just afterwards and had to be replaced. A great Terry Rossiter point left just the minimun between the sides as half time approached 1-6 to 1-5 in favour of Sarsfields. Niall Hedderman and Ray Cahill added a point apiece before the break to give Sarsfields a 3-point cushion at the break 1-8 to 1-5.

            The second half belonged to Sarsfields although Carbury scored 2 early second half points to leave just a single point between the sides. Thereafter it was all Sarsfields. Playing their best football in the league to date with good off the ball movement Sarsfields stepped up a gear. They scored 5 points in 7 minutes, one from Padraig Brennan, 3 from Ray Cahill and one from Enda Freaney gave them a 5 point advantage 1-13 to 1-8. A Robbie Confrey goal with 10 minutes remaining put paid to any hopes that Carbury had of  reeling in the Sash in and they finished with a flourish after a well worked passing movement between Robbie Confrey, Padraig Brennan and David Earley resulted in David Earley palming the ball to the net to give Sarsfields a morale boosting two wins in succession a first for Hugh Kenny’s side in the league campaign to date.

 

Sarsfields: Paddy O’Sullivan , Conor Duffy, Sean Cambell, Steven Lawler, Niall Hedderman,(0-1)  Joe O’Malley, Keith Harvey, Martin Dunne, Enda Freeney, (0-1) Robbie Confrey (1-0)Morgan O’Sullivan(0-4) Ray Cahill (0-4) John Geraghty (1-1) Padraig Brennan (0-4) David Earley (1-1) Subs; Stewart McKenzie -Smith and Michael Browne for John Geraghty and David Earley (55mins)Caoimhin McDonnell for Enda Freeney, Steven Ussher for Steen Lawler, Paddy Cambell for Robbie Confrey.

 

Children’s Disco

Disco this Friday the 5th of June from 7-10pm for 4th,5th and 6th classes. Supervisors required please contact Lisa ph. 085-7382043.

 

           

           

 

 

 

Senior Football League Table.

Leinster Leader Senior Football League Division 1 2009

 

Team 

Played

Won

Drew

Lost

Points

1

Moorefield

7

5

1

1

11

 

Round Towers

7

5

1

1

11

 

Leixlip

7

5

0

2

10

 

St Laurence's

6

4

2

0

10

 

Celbridge

7

4

1

2

9

 

Carbury

7

4

0

3

8

 

Ellistown

7

3

2

2

8

 

St Kevin's

7

4

0

3

8

 

Kilcock

6

2

3

1

7

 

Allenwood

7

1

4

2

6

 

Monasterevin

7

3

0

4

6

 

Sarsfields

8

3

0

5

6

 

Rathangan

7

1

3

3

5

 

Kilcullen

7

0

3

4

3

 <, o:p>

Maynooth

7

1

1

5

3

 

Johnstownbridge

7

0

1

6

1

 

 

 

Following  the back game played against Carbury last week Sarsfiedlds now have 8pts. Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming Week.

 

 

 


Club Fixtures 2nd – 9th  of June

Thursday 4th of June

Junior Hurling @ 7.30pm

Naas V Sarsfields

Saturday 6th of June

Senior Football Division 1 @ 7.00pm

Kilcock V Sarsfields

Monday 8th of June

Senior League Division 4 @ 7.30pm

Sarsfields V Round Towers Main Pitch Joe Foley

Senior League Division 5 @ 7.30pm

Caragh V Sarsfields  John Mc Loughlin

Bord Na nOg

 Sunday 7th of June

Under 14 League Division 1 @11am

Sarsfields A V Maynooth Main Pitch David Coady

Under 14 League Division 4 @11am

Sarsfields B V Ardclough 3rd Pitch Liam Doyle

Underage Football Fixtures North Board

Wednesday 3rd of June

Under 11 Division 1 @ 7pm

Naas V Sarsfields Main Pitch

Friday June 5th

Under 10 Division 3 Hurling @ 7pm

Kilcock V Sarsfields 3rd Pitch

Saturday 6th of June

Under 10 North Board 3pm

Ballyna V Sarsfields 1

Sarsfields 2 V Celbridge 2

Sunday June 7th

Under 8 Division 3 Hurling @ 10am

Sarsfields V Kilcock 2nd Pitch

Under 12 Division 2 Hurling @ 12 noon

Sarsfields V Broadford 2nd Pitch

Ladies Football

Wednesday 3rd of June

Under 12 Division 1 @ 8pm

Sarsfields V Edestown Main Pitch

Saturday 6th of June

Under 14B Blitz @ 11am

Sarsfields, Round Towers, Ballymore 3rd Pitch

 Camoige

Wednesday 3rd of June @ 7pm

Sarsfields V  3rd Pitch -- 



 

 


 

 

 

Leinster Senior Football Championship 2009.

 

DATE

VENUE

TIME

QUARTER-FINALS

 

 

 

Kildare/Offaly v Wexford

13.06.2009

Carlow/Tullamore

7.00pm

Louth v Laois

14.06.2009

Parnell Park

3.30pm

Longford/Wicklow v Westmeath

14.06.2009

Mullingar/Tullamore

2.00pm

Meath v Dublin

07.06.2009

Croke Park

4.00pm

SEMI-FINALS

 

 

 

Kildare/Offaly/Wexford v Carlow/Louth/Laois

28.06.2009

Croke Park

2.10pm

Longford/Wicklow/Westmeath v Meath/Dublin

28.06.2009

Croke Park

4.00pm

CRAOBH

12.07.2009

Croke Park

2.00pm

 

 

 

All-Ireland SFC Outright 2009 Odds

Friday 1st May 2009, 15:30

Outright Betting

 

 

 

 

Kerry

13/8

Donegal

50/1

Sligo

250/1

Tyrone

7/2

Westmeath

66/1

Louth

250/1

Dublin

15/2

Down

66/1

Longford

400/1

Cork

8/1

Laois

80/1

Antrim

500/1

Galway

14/1

Fermanagh

100/1

Wicklow

750/1

Derry

16/1

Wexford

100/1

Leitrim

750/1

Armagh

25/1

Limerick

125/1

Clare

2000/1

Mayo

25/1

Cavan

150/1

Waterford

2000/1

Meath

33/1

Offaly

200/1

Carlow

2500/1

Monaghan

33/1

Roscommon

200/1

New York

5000/1

Kildare

50/1

Tipperary

200/1

London      5000/1

 

Leinster SFC 2009 Odds

Friday 1st May 2009, 15:00

Outright Betting

 

 

 

 

Dublin

11/10

Westmeath

9/1

Longford

66/1

Meath

4/1

Wexford

16/1

Wicklow

100/1

Kildare

11/2

Offaly

40/1

Carlow

200/1

Laois

7/1

Louth

40/1

 

 

 

 



The many faces seen at your local GAA match.

This piece was in the Sash last year but has been brought back by popular demand

Just as footballers can be classified as defenders, midfielders, forwards or goalkeepers, so fans and club members can be categorised into certain broad stereotypes.

The study has shown that supporters can be categorised into the following groups:

The Cloth Cap Brigade:

These are a band of men whose heyday was in the 1950’s & 1960’s. While these dwindling group are mostly from the sixties generation, you wouldn’t think it to look at them. When other nations were entering the age of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll this squad were running around the pioneer dance halls chasin’ wimmin in rural Ireland after getting flutered in the local. They’re very conservative, hardcore idealists and believe themselves to be the backbone of the GAA even though most of them believe that they have been let down and left behind by the modern GAA with the removal of the ban and the opening up of Croke Park to soccer and rugby.

 At games the Cloth Cap Brigade are easily identified not simply because of their attire but also because they make a very distinctive call, which sounds something like “giveherlang giveherlangferchrissakes”. This means kick the ball as hard and as far down the pitch as you can. The Cloth Caps have nothing against the O’Dwyer revolution and the modern game. They just don’t think it will work for their team and cite that as a reason that they club hasn’t won a championship in 50 years or why their once proud senior team in the late 50’s is now languishing at the bottom of the junior ranks. They look back fondly to the days of their youth when the goalkeeper was just an inconvenience and was not afforded any protection by the rules unless he was unconscious in the back of the goalmouth with his head stuck in a hole in the net after being elbowed in the head by one or more of the forwards.  Back then a sending off was as rare as snow in July. All Cloth Caps can be heard regularly denouncing the sissy nature of today’s game comparing today’s players to effeminate soccer players whom they hate with a passion. Compared to now dust-ups were an acceptable part and parcel of the game and what happened on the pitch stayed on the pitch; the referee just let them get on with it or he might have got it too. They ruefully remember the day of the big full forward with hands like shovels. Of course nowadays full forwards have small hands since they don’t work on the bog anymore. The Cloth Caps remember with fondness the big full forward standing on the goal line or on the goalkeeper’s foot awaiting the delivery of those ‘lang’ balls. If only he could come back now they have no doubt that he would score enough goals and points to win that elusive county championship.

The Crazy Women:

 

The existence of the gangs of crazy women who attend Gaelic football matches has not been very well documented. Needless to say, they exist, and they are extremely dangerous. Decades ago, the crazy women armed themselves with umbrellas which they used as weapons to assault players and opposition supporters. Now that most pitches have perimeter fencing, the crazies have decommissioned their brollies but they have become equally lethal with the tongue. Referees are the favourites targets. Some of these women suffer from DMS (Doting Mother Syndrome). Women with DMS will attack referees who give decisions against their sons. More frightening still, is the common occurrence when two gangs of crazy women from opposite teams attack each other’s sons. “That fellow there, that number 9 is no more U12 than I am! will ye look at him Mary, he’s feckin growing a beard.”  “That my son you’re talking about you batty blind bitch”. The result: verbal carnage.

The Drinking Crew:

The drinking crew are often mostly made up of the lads who couldn’t make the second Junior C team and some have grandfathers who are Cloth Caps and who have to hide the fact from Cloth Cap grandfather that they sometimes play soccer for the local Pub soccer team on a Sunday morning providing of course that Saturday night didn’t exert to heavy a toll on the system.
The drinking crew tend to be in their twenties or thirties and they are very single. Often they don’t turn up until half time. Sunday is not a good day for the crew unless they manage a cure before the game.  Attendance at the match serves two vital functions. The first of these is to establish what happened on the previous night like how they got home or whom they went home with etc. The second and secondary function is to watch the match. There is a further reason why the crew turn up late. Some of their comrades from the previous night (who also downed a copious number of pints) are out on the pitch, so the crew know well in advance that there is little chance of victory.

Teenage Posers (female):
This group only appear at championship matches with big crowds. Again they are easy to recognise. Posers can be seen walking around the pitch, on the concrete catwalk, in high heels, tight jeans or short skirts looking up at the crowd and hoping that the male members of the crowd are looking at them and largely ignoring the ongoing match while their sisters who play football are up in the stand wearing their club tops and are avidly engrossed in the on field action and unlike their non playing sisters below are oblivious to what’s going on off the pitch. This practice is known within the sisterhood as ‘circuits’ and they will pass the stand numerous times during the game often stopping for a chat -but not about the game – with fellow members of the species going in the opposite direction. Posers tend to drift away from Gaelic football, unless they hook up with a member of the Drinking Crew or more preferably the Male Model.

The Male Model:
it’s easy to spot the male model at training sessions. He’s the player wearing the Cork jersey on Monday, Kildare on Wednesday and Dublin on Friday. Not only will he have the jersey, he’ll also have the accompanying shorts and socks. Male Models normally sport a healthy tan for about six months of the year. He is the one player in the changing room guaranteed to bring hair gel, shampoo and deodorant. After his liberal application of deodorant, he can be difficult to see, as he will be enveloped in a cloud of sweet smelling mist. The Male Model despises the fact that he must share his toiletries every week with some spongers. However, he realises it is a necessary evil if he is to leave the changing room looking and smelling his very best. He also likes to ensure that he leaves the pitch looking his best even if the conditions are atrocious and his team-mates are carrying half the pitch on their sodden jerseys. He is very popular with the female posers.

Physio’s Friend:

 

Four words can sum up the playing career of a typical Physio’s friend and they are: ‘Lame for every game’. Pulled hamstrings, severed ligaments, cruciate ligaments sore groins, you name it, and he has had it. Generally spends most of every season on crutches. Becomes own best diagnostician after countless recounting of his injuries (severe) to members of the female posers group in the pub or club after the match.
Physiotherapists dream about getting one of these players on their client list. He is the ideal customer. Once a physio’s friend has signed up, all financial worries can be forgotten. With a guaranteed two trips a week, for injuries, either real or imagined, the sick one’s club will foot the bills, allowing the Physio to pay his mortgage, have foreign holidays twice a year and put his children through university.

 

County Star (Club Hero):

He is the heartbeat of the team. This man sends himself to sleep at night by counting O’Neill’s footballs floating over a crossbar. Despite huge commitments to the county panel, he will be a regular attendee at club training sessions attend underage training and always makes himself available to present trophies to the children. The Club Hero is highly valued, primarily for his talent, but also for the example he provides other players. Club heroes watch what they eat, go easy on the drink and refrain from cigarettes. If they have one weakness, it’s women. For some misguided reason they are under the illusion that women are not detrimental to your health.

County Star (The Invisible Man):
This other type of county footballer enjoys a love/hate, though mostly hate, relationship with his club’s supporters. They love him when he turns up for matches because he can be the difference between winning and losing a match. They hate him because they think that he is a big headed poser, who seeks only personal glory through his county team, while abandoning the very club that taught him how to play the game.

Hard Ground Specialist:
Just as there are racehorses that cannot cope with soft ground, so there are footballers who feel ill-suited to early season training. Hard ground specialists consider the dedicated winter trainers to be mere point-to-pointers, whereas they regard themselves as the genuine flat-race thoroughbreds. When the weather improves they will have start to appear at training sessions throughout the country in their droves and expect to be put on the team straight away.

The Schoolboy:
The schoolboy has only one thing in his head: football. Carrying absolutely no weight, the schoolboy runs just for the fun of it. Older players in the team are jealous of schoolboys as they represent their lost youth. Junior football is the traditional sacrificial ground where balding corner backs regularly obliterate frisky teenagers for no apparent reason. Schoolboys are best advised to stay clear of these ageing veterans if they wish to stay clear of serious injury.

The Student:
The transformation from schoolboy to student is as pronounced as that of the caterpillar to butterfly. Where once he was a schoolboy whose only ambition was to get on the senior team; the student discovers the pleasures of wine, woman and song. Football is put way down the agenda. For the first six months of his fresher year the student will usually dress like his rock star hero and spout esoteric philosophical theories after spending an hour at the college philosophical society bored out of his head before he heads to the student union bar to get jarred out of his head. He will give the excuse of either assignments or exams for his continued absence at training, yet there will be repeated sightings of him in the nightclubs and pubs. The club hero will try to lecture the student about the error of his ways, but it is hopeless, he will be a lost soul for the next four years having to repeat exams every year just as the team are getting ready for the latter stages of the championships.

The Stirrer:

The scourge of all clubs.
Has no role in society, let alone a GAA club other than turning up at the AGM, dressed in his Sunday best and always, always brings up issues that have already been addressed and dealt with by the time the weary chairman gets around to “any other business”, which are the magic words that set him off on his torturous tirade as the other members raise their eyes in despair while the those seated behind the stirrer slip quietly away for a well deserved pint. As footballers the species were in general hopeless and with a pair of arms and legs that refused to work together in harmony on the pitch they spent their careers wrapped up in a good big overcoat on the line belittling the efforts of their team-mates on the field and vocally cursing the mentors who had the sense to keep them off the starting fifteen. Their resentments are built up over the years and anyone who ever crossed their path is subject to their pent up vitriol. Will complain about everything in the club from selectors to assistant-treasurers, have a penchant for refusing to accept democratic decisions at all levels yet will never offer to do anything constructive for the club and it would be easier to extract a tooth without anaesthetic than getting them even to buy a monthly €5 ticket or a weekly lotto. They’re completely selfish and only seem to care about themselves and their brothers/sons/nephews within the club - all of whom are a milder version of the general Shit Stirrer. Have a deep hatred of all neighbouring clubs, referees and most of their own club members and yet in most cases never receive the widespread condemnation they truly deserve.

The Idiot:

Every club has one of this species..
However, it is usually the most lunatic and therefore ignored character within the club's environs that gains this unenviable title. Can be seen at championship matches pacing up and down the line frothing and foaming at the lips of his mostly toothless mouth and shouting all sorts of incomprehensible obscenities at the referee, linesman, players from both sides and supporters. Will be among the first people in the dressing room before a big game as he seems to take it as a given that he’s part of the management set-up although he has not for the want of trying ever being elected to any club position. He will reappear again with the team after half time and at the end will freely offer his very forthright opinions without being asked. Later in the local or the club after a few pints of the black stuff and couple of whiskey chasers he will become even more belligerent in his views –if that’s possible. He hates compromise and regards it as weakness. Although younger than the Cloth Caps he nevertheless holds many of their views since they were his role models when he first joined the club. He used to hate soccer or pretend to but now believes that he’s has been given Carte Blanc by the GAA authorities to watch soccer openly since Croke Park was opened to other sports. However despite his admiration for the Cloth Caps, even they tend to avoid him so when he doesn’t manage to inveigle himself into others conversations after ear wigging first to find out what’s been talked about, he ploughs a lonely furrow at the bar unless he seeks out the stirrer who will use him as sounding board since no one else will listen to him. The stirrer naturally regards himself as intellectually superior to the idiot and a greater authority on the game and the idiot apart for his regard for the Cloth Caps admires the stirrer as being a man after his own heart who says it straight like it is not like that shower on the executive committee who always seem to be compromising and letting the County Board walk all over them. Whenever the opportunity arises the idiot will serve as linesman and his arm always signals the same direction - in favour of his team. He will more than likely cause some sort of row but has an uncanny knack of being able to disappear when the going gets tough.

The Saviour:

Every club in every county has one - if they didn't they would have ceased to exist long ago. He is the man in the club that does everything - often without a title to his name. He arranges games, he lines the pitch, puts up the nets, pumps the balls, opens the dressing rooms, turns on the showers, brings the water, jerseys and first aid kit, pays the ref and locks up afterwards. He informs all the players of all the necessary details and if the game is away his car is bursting at the seams with players, supporters and club officials. Often he will train an Under-10 team on a given evening in the field, finish up in time to select the Junior 'C' team, and end up being forced into action himself because of a lack of numbers before rushing to a County Board meeting as the club's delegate and then back to the 'local' to co-ordinate the monthly draw. On the rare occasions that this individual falls sick or goes missing for a couple of days the entire club falls into disarray and scenes of chaos ensue.

 

 

 

 

More Stupid Quotes.

 

'I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet
paper can be used in any one sitting? Only one square per
restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions
where two to three could be required'
- Sheryl Crow

 

'The world is more like it is now then it ever has before.'
- Dwight Eisenhower, 34th President of the United States.

 

'I don't know all the certain words to word it.'
- Vanilla Ice, Rap Star, on why he hired a ghost-writer for his
  autobiography  

 


'There are many other kinds of milk available. Why don't we try
drinking rats' milk and dogs' milk?'
- Heather Mills  

 

'If only faces could talk...'
- Pat Summerall, Sports commentator, during the Super Bowl  

 


'Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's
tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.''
- Jessica Simpson

 

'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in
the air for even longer.'
- David Acfield, sports commentator






Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.

 

 Cops Capture Cow

 

NEW YORK  A cow nicknamed Molly who escaped from a New York City
slaughterhouse may have a new lease on life. New York police
said the all-black cow got out from Musa Hala, Inc. about 1 p.m.
Wednesday, a slaughterhouse where animals are butchered
according to religious restrictions.

She wandered nearly a mile before she was corralled and captured
by Emergency Services Unit officers. She was darted and
delivered to the city's Animal Care and Control, where she was
nicknamed Molly.

Officials there are looking into whether Molly the cow can be
placed at a farm sanctuary to live out her life or if she must
be returned for slaughter. It depends on whether anyone comes
forward to claim her. Animal care officials said a handful of
cows in the past decade have escaped to the city streets.

 

 

 

Here comes the Bride

BRIDGEPORT,  Connecticut. A family has been saved from a
house fire by a new bride who rushed inside through thick smoke
while wearing her wedding gown.

Officials say Georgette Clemons had just left her wedding
reception Sunday evening when she spotted smoke coming from a
Bridgeport home.

Clemons got out of the car she was riding in and ran into the
home. She says a woman was yelling about her animals and didn't
want to leave, so she had to pull her out.

As firefighters arrived and battled the blaze after members of
the Eitelberg family were rescued, Clemons was nearby folding
her blackened wedding dress.

Clemons says she messed up her shoes, but says that's no big
deal because everyone is safe.  

 

Loser of the week

A burglar was caught after he fell down a chimney while escaping over the roof of a house he had just broken into. Police in Maastricht, Holland, arrested the 33-year-old after being called out by the house owners who heard his calls for help. The man had tried to flee out of a roof window with his booty of cash and jewellery, but tumbled in the dark and got stuck inside the chimney.

Two Headbangers
(literally)

Two motorists had an all too literal head on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh, Germany. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the middle of the road because of the thick fog. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalised with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't damaged at all and didn't have a mark on them.



An odd miscellany of trivial facts; Or a trivial miscellany of odd facts

In Tokyo, a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes.

It's illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while you're sitting on a curb in St. Louis.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a certain church in

Omaha, Nebraska
Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second.

Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult.

The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad.
In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits.

Nearly all lipstick contains fish scales.
Almost half the newspapers in the world are published in the United States and


 

 

 

True Story.

Claws For Thought

If a lobster loses an eye or a claw it can usually grow a
new one.

 
  
Lobsters are one of the most popular seafoods served in
restaurants. But how much do people know about the victim they
point at in the tank?

Fresh caught lobster can be bought at markets or off the dock
but many people don't like to cook them at home, because of the
old tale that the lobster 'screams' when stuck in boiling water.
In fact, the lobster has no vocal cords to make noise, and they
are lowered into the water head first to kill them quickly. They
actually don't have a central nervous system, which in effect, is
the brain. So there is no pain reflex such as humans have.

If lobsters felt pain that acutely, they would hardly amputate
or spontaneously drop their claws, both of which have been
observed by researchers. While being caught in a trap may cause
them to break off one claw, they have also been taken from
traps, holding one of their own claws, in the other one!

Scientists have no idea why, unless it is caused by
disorientation and confusion, which is what occasionally leads
to cannibalism in tanks of lobsters. The good news is, that a
claw, antennae or leg lost at sea, is re-grown.

Lobsters have two kinds of claws, one with teeth for trapping
prey, and the other for tearing it apart. They will eat a
variety of smaller crustaceans or plankton, and are attracted by
bait that has a strong odour, such as fish left out to 'ripen'.

Beware those claws though, because they have been known to
amputate a human finger.

True Story 2

Pretty Pests

They're loud, raucous, feathered thieves, and one of the
harbingers of winter in North America. It's the Cyanocitta
Cristata, or common Blue Jay.

Larger than robins but smaller than crows, they are one of only
two species of Jays in North America, to carry the dark barring
on their wings and tails. While they don't prey on other birds,
they will, when opportunity arises, raid bird feeders that are
meant for other species. This pirating often cancels some of the
charm that homeowners find in the bright flashes of blue on a
dull winter day. Homeowners that are close enough to a Blue Jay
who's just gotten up on a cold morning, may be startled to find
that not only are they feathered, they are flatulent!

Scientific observers have discovered an innate intelligence in
the Blue Jay as well, as proved by the fact that they will
immediately regurgitate poisonous material, and never touch it
again. They are also capable of making off with a wasp nest, and
perching in a tree with the nest held in one foot while their
beak roots out the larvae inside.

As big and brash as they are, the Blue Jay does have natural
bird enemies, including the Screech Owl, falcons and hawks.
Perhaps in a quirk of Mother Nature's sense of humor, she has
endowed the Blue Jay with the ability to imitate the call of a
hawk.

Despite their objectionable behavior, they do have some
redeeming qualities. Blue Jays are suspected of helping to
propagate the growth of oak trees after the last ice age, by
burying acorns for later consumption, which then sprouted and
helped the tree to move further from its origins.



True Story 3

How old is Grandma?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end.? It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' ----------television

'---------- penicillin

'---------- polio shots

'---------- frozen foods

'---------- Xerox

'---------- contact lenses

'---------- Frisbees and

'---------- the pill

There was no:

'---------- Radar

'---------- credit cards

'---------- laser beams or

'---------- ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

'---------- pantyhose

'---------- air conditioners

'---------- dishwashers

'---------- clothes dryers

'---------- and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

'---------- man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandfather and I got married first, . . and then lived together!  Every family had a father and a mother! Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, day-care centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense!  We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent!

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins!

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started!

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.


What else was there in Grandma's youth?
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings!
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our
radios!
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey!
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk!
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam!
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of!
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents!
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel!
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards!
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon!
 

In my day:

'---------- 'grass' was mowed,

'---------- 'coke' was a cold drink,

'---------- 'pot' was something your mother cooked in and

'---------- 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.?

'---------- 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office,?

'---------- 'chip' meant a piece of wood,

'---------- 'hardware' was found in a hardware store and

'---------- 'software' wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old lady in mind...you are in for a shock!

- 59 Years young
Humour.  

 

The Hunter

 

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. 'I've never been better!' he boasted. 'I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?'

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, 'Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.'

The doctor continued, 'So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.'

'And do you know what happened?' the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, 'No.'

The doctor continued, 'The bear dropped dead in front of him!'

'That's impossible!' exclaimed the old man. 'Someone else must have shot that bear.'

'That's kind of what I'm getting at,' replied the doctor.

 

 

Wrongful Arrest.

 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
 
'But officer,' the man began, 'I can explain.'

'Quiet!' snapped the officer. 'I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.'

'But, officer, I just wanted to say,'

'And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!'

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, 'Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.'

'Don't count on it,' answered the guy in the cell. 'I'm the groom.'



Jobsworths

The term 'Jobsworth' is most often applied to public service low-level officials who have little authority, and so the 'Jobsworth' response gives them the only power they are likely to get. The true 'Jobsworth' is one who knows the rules backwards, knows that there is flexibility and chooses not to use it. It's important to distinguish them from someone who really has no flexibility and really would lose their job.

They are particularly prevalent in England but not totally confined to our neighbours. The term “jobsworth” comes from their most oft spoken line. “Sorry I can’t do that because my job wouldn’t be worth it

 
Traffic Warden Jobsworths
Traffic Wardens are prime  jobsworths as can be seen from these examples:
While he was being put in an ambulance after breaking his leg having crashed his scooter a man was presented with a 100 [$182USD] fine.
Having collapsed and died from a heart attack in the cab of his lorry a man was given a �60 [$109USD] ticket in Lancashire, UK.
A man who returned from a holiday in Australia found that double yellow lines had been painted up to his parked car and he had received a �80 parking fine. Later this was cancelled.
A man stopped his car in order to re-attach his false leg. Although the car displayed a disabled sticker he still received a �50 [$91USD] parking penalty.
Another man, parked on double yellow lines, was given a �40 [$72USD] ticket as he tended to his wife who was having a heart attack. This, too, was later rescinded.
A hearse received a ticket when it parked outside a house where it was collecting a coffin in Kent, UK. This, also was later cancelled.
As a variation from traffic wardens, wheel clampers have to be somewhere near the top of the list of jobsworth occupations. One company even demanded a woman motorist's gold tooth as payment because she wasn�t able to pay the release fee immediately.


Media Jobsworths
The BBC was once famous for a particular breed of jobsworth. One of these is supposed to have been on duty at Broadcasting House when King Haakon of Norway appeared at the security desk, gave the jobsworth his name and told him that he was due to participate in a programme in studio 6. The jobsworth went to ring the studio. A moment later he put his hand over the phone and called out, 'Excuse me, Sir, where was it you said you was King of?'

Another jobsworth story tells how Agatha Christie was the guest of honour at a Foyles literary luncheon. The doorman asked her for her invitation and refused to admit her when she couldn�t produce it. She didn't make any fuss but just went home. I would have loved to have seen the resulting panic as the literati looked for their guest of honour and realised the important role played by the doorman.




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