News

Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.

 

SFL: St Kevin’s 2-16 Sarsfields 3-10

 

By Tony Ryan

 

 At the end of a pulsating and high scoring league encounter St. Kevin’s emerged victorious after overcoming a 7 point first half deficit against Sarfiields to win by 3 points in wintry conditions in Sarsfields Park on Saturday night. Just as it seemed that Sarsfields might gain a share of the spoils having twice come from behind in the second half to gain parity, a very fit St. Kevin’s side had that bit extra in reserve and pulled clear in the last 5 minutes scoring 2 points without reply to deservedly seal their fourth league win in succession, a win which lifts them above mid table and leaves Sarsfields the 2007 league champions languishing dangerously close to the drop zone.

            Midway through the first half though there was a different complexion to the game as Sarsfields were completely dominant and it looked very much like St Kevin’s were in for a thrashing as Sarsfields scored 3 goals in 5 minutes one apiece from Robbie Confrey, John Geraghty and Murt Dunne to lead by 7 points, 3-2 to 0-4.After Morgan O’Sullivan with two excellent points cancelled John Casey and Barry Fitzharris opening points for St Kevin’s, Sarsfields went on the rampage. At this stage few would have given St. Kevin’s a chance of recovery from the Sash’s three-goal salvo and it appeared that St. Kevin’s were about to be steamrolled into submission. If anything the prospect of more Sarsfields goals was in the offing such was their authority on the game and their ability to carve open the St Kevin’s defence with ease.

 

St.Kevin’s however playing a brand of fast attractive football refused to panic, showed the character and the confidence that brought them promotion to Division1 and Intermediate honours last year, tightened up in defence and set about the uphill task facing them, scoring 1-2 between the 14th and the 19th minutes to bring them back within striking distance of Sarsfields. Half forward Barry Noone began the renaissance scoring two points in a minute to take the sting out of Murt Dunne’s third Sarsfields goal and John Casey scored a goal after knocking the ball out of Sarsfields goalkeeper John Melia’s hands. Dominating the proceedings over the next 10 minutes St Kevin’s turned a 2 point deficit into a 2 point lead when the outstanding player on the pitch full forward Eoin Carew scored 4 points in succession to leave them ahead 1-10 to3-2 . It wasn’t all a one man show in the St. Kevin’s forward line as Carew’s work rate and scoring rate was augmented by the rest of the forwards with five of them contributing to St Kevin’s final tally. 

Carew who scored an impressive personal tally of 1-8 gave an exhibition of point scoring from play and from frees was the leader of a very lively, fast paced St. Kevin’s forward line that the Sarsfields full back line found  difficult to cope with throughout the game. Without a recognised full back the Sarsfields full back line has been the sash’s Achilles heel throughout the league campaign to date. Cormac Noone put St. Kevin’s 3points clear as halftime approached before Alan Barry and Padraig Brennan replied for Sarsfields with Eoin Carew completing the first half scoring to give St. Kevins a 2 point advantage 1-12 to 3-4.

On the resumption Sarsfields were quickest off the mark and drew level after 4 minutes with a point apiece from Michael Brown and Padraig Brennan. However a minute later disaster struck for the Sash when Eoin Carew scored a brilliantly executed goal. Sarsfields raised the tempo of their play responding well to this set back and were again back on level terms midway through the half with 3 points from Morgan O’Sullivan, Murt Dunne and an excellent 40-metre point from John Geraghty to leave the side tied  on 3-9 to 2-12.

Then 2 points in 3 minutes, one from Eoin Carew and one from half back Cathal O’Leary after a great solo run through the heart of the Sarsfields defence put St. Kevin’s 2 points clear before Padraig Brennan reduced the gap to the minimum. With 5 minutes remaining the game was finely balanced and could have gone either way but it was St Kevin’s who seized the initiative and after St Kevin’s half forward Barry Noone missed a clear cut goal opportunity, midfielder Mick Kenny scored his second point to put them 2 points ahead once again as Sarsfields ran out of steam. In the final minute John Casey added the final point of the game and there was no way back for Sarsfields who will rue going for two second half goals when it would have been easier to take points instead.    

           

 

 

Sarsfields: John Melia,Conor Duffy, Keith Harvey, Steven Ussher, Niall Hedderman, Martin Dunne,(1-1) Aidan McLernan, Alan Barry,(0-1) Sean Cambell, Robbie Confrey,(1-0) Padraig Brennan,(0-2) Morgan O’ Sullivan(0-3) John Geraghty (1-2) Stewart McKenzie Smith Michael Browne(0-1). Subs:Joe O’Malley for Keith Harvey (18mins)Steven Laeler for Aidan McLernan(45mins) Eoin O’Sullivan for John Geraghty (55mins) Conor Tiernan for Alan Barry, Robert Murphy for Niall Hedderman(58mins)

 

St. Kevin’s: John Grehan, Pady Walsh, Jason Brosnan, David O’Conner, Cathal O’Leary,(0-1) Gordon Kearney, Anto Carew, Brian Chubb, Mick Kenny(0-2) Cormac Noone,(0-1) Brian Fitzharris, (0-1) Barry Noone, (0-2)Mark Fitzharris, Eoin Carew(1-8) John Casey (1-2) Subs David Lane for John Grehan (22mins) James Reilly for David O’Conner (40mins) Francis Kilcoyne for Brian Fitzharris.

 

Congratulations to the senior B team who had a great 1-12 to 0-2 win over Moorefield last night maintaining their unbeaten record in the league to date. Well done to Conor Earley, Joe Murray, Joe Murphy and the team.

 

 

 

 

Leinster GAA News 
GAA announces new licensee


The GAA has confirmed that Masita Ireland has been granted an Official GAA Kit License which will allow the company to produce playing attire in Ireland for Clubs, Schools and Colleges.

The family run business, which has been based in Kells Co Meath since 1999, will employ 11 full time personnel to service the license and has ambitions to create another six positions in 2010.

Masita's application for a license has been granted after the company submitted an impressive proposal which amongst other things outlined their ability to comply with Rule 13 of the Official Guide which stipulates that playing attire must be manufactured on site in Ireland.

Uachtarán Chumann Lúthchleas Gael Criostóir Ó Cuana congratulated the company on the occasion of the award of their license and lauded their efforts to create Irish jobs.

He said: 'We welcome Masita into the GAA licensing family and congratulate them on the granting of their license which will see them provide playing gear for clubs, schools and colleges.

'The company has proved that it can work with the GAA while adhering to our rules and their work with us will see them create employment in Ireland which we all welcome.'

Company CEO Des Smyth expressed delight at getting the chance to work with football and hurling teams.

He said: 'We're delighted to be announcing that we will be working in tandem with the GAA in the coming years and this development
comes as a massive boost to our family run company at a time when the whole issue of jobs and home manufacturing is of utmost importance.

'We look forward to working with schools and clubs across the country and are confident that our work with these units has the potential to help us establish a long and lasting relationship with the GAA in the future.'
.

 

Senior Football League Table.

Leinster Leader Senior Football League Division 1 2009

Team 

Played

Won

Drew

Lost

Points

Moorefield

7

5

1

1

11

Round Towers

7

5

1

1

11

Leixlip

7

5

0

2

10

St Laurence's

6

4

2

0

10

Celbridge

7

4

1

2

9

Carbury

7

4

0

3

8

Ellistown

7

3

2

2

8

St Kevin's

7

4

0

3

8

Kilcock

6

2

3

1

7

Allenwood

7

1

4

2

6

Monasterevin

7

3

0

4

6

Rathangan

7

1

3

3

5

Sarsfields

7

2

0

5

4

Kilcullen

7

0

3

4

3

Maynooth

7

1

1

5

3

Johnstownbridge

7

0

1

6

1

 

 

 

Following the latest Round of League fixtures last Saturday night Sarsfields are now in 13th position having lost to St. Kevin’s on Saturday night. Tonight  Tuesday 19th May  the seniors are at home to Carbury and will play Rathangan next Tuesday also at home at 7.30.

Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming Week.

Tuesday 19th of May

Senior Football Division 1 @ 7.30pm

Sarsfields V Carbury Main Pitch  Fergal Barry

Friday 22nd of May

Junior Hurling @ 7.30pm

Sarsfields V Maynooth Main Pitch Paddy Moore

 
Monday 25h of May

Senior League Division 4 @ 7.30pm

Sarsfields V Clane Main Pitch Liam Doyle

Senior League Division 5 @ 7.30pm

Sarsfields V Ballyteague 3rd Pitch Des Coyle

Bord Na nOg

Wednesday 20th of May

Under 14 League Division 1 @7.30pm

Naas V Sarsfields A

Friday 22nd of May

Under 14 League Division 4 @7.30pm

Carbury V Sarsfields B

 

Sunday 24th of May

Under 14 League Division 1 @11am

Sarsfields V Kilcock

Under 14 League Division 4 @11am

Sarsfields B V Celbridge B

 Underage Football Fixtures North Board

 

Monday 18th of May

Under 12 North Board Cup @ 7pm

Celbridge V Sarsfields

Wednesday 20th of May

Under 12 North Board Cup @ 7pm

Naas V Sarsfields

Friday May 22nd

Under 10 Division 3 Hurling @ 7pm

Sallins V Sarsfields

Saturday May 23rd

Under 9 Group 1 @ 1.30pm

Carbury V Sarsfields 1

Under 9 Group 4 @ 1.30pm  


Confey V Sarsfields 2

Under 11 Division 1 @ 3pm

Kilcock V Sarsfields

Friday May 22

Under 10 Division 3 Hurling @7pm

Ardclough V Sarsfields

Sunday May 24th

Under 8 Division 3 Hurling @ 10am

Sarsfields V Kill 3rd Pitch

Ladies Football

Monday May 18th

Under 12 Division 1 @ 7pm

Sarsfields V Maynooth 3rd Pitch

Sarurday May 23rd

Under 12 Division 1 @ 7pm

Cappagh V Sarsfields

 
Under 14 Blitz Pitch 3 @ 2pm

 

Tuesday May 26th.

Senior Football Division 1 @ 7.30pm

 

Sarsfields V Rathangan Main Pitch Pat O’Connell

 

Well done to Shane Scanlon and the Feile committee for
organising the Championship preview night in the club on Friday week last, its
just a pity that the attendance didn't match the efforts of the Feile
committee.
Thanks to all who helped with the bag pack evening in Dunnes
Stores where nearly €2,000 was raised for Feile '09. Well done to Margaret
Harnett for getting the volunteers to man the tills.
Hard luck to the girls under 16 team defeated by Na Fianna in
the County Final on Saturday afternoon. Well done to the U/12 boys who defeated Clane
 
 

 

Leinster Senior Football Championship 2009.

 

DATE

VENUE

TIME

FIRST ROUND

 

Kildare v Offaly

24.05.2009

Portlaoise

4.00pm

 

 

 

 

Longford v Wicklow

24.05.2009

Portlaoise

2.00pm

QUARTER-FINALS

 

 

 

Kildare/Offaly v Wexford

13.06.2009

Carlow/Tullamore

7.00pm

Louth v Laois

14.06.2009

Parnell Park

3.30pm

Longford/Wicklow v Westmeath

14.06.2009

Mullingar/Tullamore

2.00pm

Meath v Dublin

07.06.2009

Croke Park

4.00pm

SEMI-FINALS

 

 

 

Kildare/Offaly/Wexford v Carlow/Louth/Laois

28.06.2009

Croke Park

2.10pm

Longford/Wicklow/Westmeath v Meath/Dublin

28.06.2009

Croke Park

4.00pm

CRAOBH

12.07.2009

Croke Park

2.00pm

 

 

 

All-Ireland SFC Outright 2009 Odds

Friday 1st May 2009, 15:30

Outright Betting

 

 

 

 

Kerry

13/8

Donegal

50/1

Sligo

250/1

Tyrone

7/2

Westmeath

66/1

Louth

250/1

Dublin

15/2

Down

66/1

Longford

400/1

Cork

8/1

Laois

80/1

Antrim

500/1

Galway

14/1

Fermanagh

100/1

Wicklow

750/1

Derry

16/1

Wexford

100/1

Leitrim

750/1

Armagh

25/1

Limerick

125/1

Clare

2000/1

Mayo

25/1

Cavan

150/1

Waterford

2000/1

Meath

33/1

Offaly

200/1

Carlow

2500/1

Monaghan

33/1

Roscommon

200/1

New York

5000/1

Kildare

50/1

Tipperary

200/1

London      5000/1

 

Leinster SFC 2009 Odds

Friday 1st May 2009, 15:00

Outright Betting

 

 

 

 

Dublin

11/10

Westmeath

9/1

Longford

66/1

Meath

4/1

Wexford

16/1

Wicklow

100/1

Kildare

11/2

Offaly

40/1

Carlow

200/1

Laois

7/1

Louth

40/1

 

 

 

 



More Stupid Quotes.

 

'You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone
gets a chance to have their fair say.'

- Bill Clinton, 42nd President of the U.S

 

'Cod are not very good swimmers so they are easily overtaken by
trawlers and nets.'
- British government report on why cod fish are disappearing
  from the North Sea

 

'A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.'
- Samuel Goldwyn, early Hollywood movie producer.

 

'I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want
all the kids to copulate me.'
- Andre Dawson, former professional baseball player,  on being a
  role model

 

'Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton.'
- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
promoter Don King


 


 Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.

WATERFORD TOWNSHIP, Michigen.  Tinker Bell has been reunited with
her owners after a 70-mph gust of wind picked up the six-pound
Chihuahua and tossed her out of sight. Dorothy and Lavern Utley
credit a pet psychic for guiding them on Monday to a wooded area
nearly a mile from where 8-month-old Tinker Bell had been last
seen. The brown long-haired dog was dirty and hungry but
otherwise OK.

The Utleys, of Rochester, had set up an outdoor display Saturday
at a flea market in Waterford Township, 25 miles northwest of
Detroit. Tinker Bell was standing on their platform trailer when
she was swept away.

Dorothy Utley tells The Detroit News that her cherished pet
'just went wild' upon seeing her.


PUYALLUP, Washington. A small airplane dropping from the sky after its
engine failed wound up on a cushioning bunch of portable toilets
 and the pilot was able to walk away apparently unhurt.
 
Gary Mayor of the Federal Aviation Administration says the
Cessna 182 crashed Friday afternoon in Washington state after
taking off from Thun Field, an airfield owned by Pierce County
southeast of Tacoma.

Sheriff's spokesman Ed Troyer says the plane was about 150 feet
in the air when the engine quit.

Troyer told The News Tribune that the pilot tried to turn around
to land but didn't quite make it.

The plane hit a fence, flipped over and landed upside down on
top of the portable toilets standing in a storage yard.

Authorities didn't immediately give the pilot's identity.

 

Story about a Police Speed Check

Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph.

The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily, the Harrier was operating unarmed.

EUGENE, Oregon.  Authorities said a man accused of money laundering
was tripped , up because he could have used a little cleansing
himself. Court records show that during his trips to a Eugene
bank a man drew attention to himself because of a foul odor,
possibly linked to fertilizer. A teller vomited. Customers
complained. Authorities investigated.

After an Internal Revenue Service investigation into a drug
operation involving high-potency marijuana and hallucinogenic
mushrooms, a federal grand jury indicted the man.

He does not face drug charges, but he is accused of laundering
cash in dozens of transactions totaling nearly $500,000 in 2007
and 2008.

Court records show he pleaded guilty in 1999 to manufacturing
and delivering a controlled substance.

 
 Sporting Quirkies

 Football Snippets

An edition of Observer Sport Monthly featured a small item about a Moroccan parachutist. The one who, at the opening ceremony for the 1988 African Nations Cup in Casablanca, watched by royalty and the most important men in world football, delayed kick-off by missing the pitch and getting tangled up in the floodlights, where he hung upside down for 45 minutes.

During the last Nations Cup in Mali two years ago, there was a full-scale punch-up on the pitch, involving a Cameroon coach and Malian soldiers. The coach, a former World Cup goalkeeper, had placed a charm in the Mali net. Witchcraft, juju, call it what you like.

Then there was the tale of the South African team which drove out of town, walked backwards and barefoot off the team bus into the bush until they found a termite mound, urinated on it, then walked backwards to the bus again - and still didn't win the league.

A Manchester cinema, for the World Cup Finals 2002, offered sushi-flavoured popcorn for England's matches.

Police dog attacks footballers

Three players were bitten after a police dog ran on to a football pitch during an amateur game. As reported by the BBC on Monday, 28 October, 2002.

The German shepherd fled from his trainer during an exercise at a disused building close to the pitch.

Craig Jackson (no5) was one of the players attacked.
It headed towards the field and snatched a linesman's flag before moving towards the players at Scunthorpe's Brumby Hall ground on Saturday afternoon.

The injured players Steve Baker, 19, [not Will's wife] Craig Jackson, 18, and Michael Stones, 18, were bitten on the arms and back and were treated at Scunthorpe General Hospital.
The game between Appleby Frodingham and Lincoln Moorlands had to be abandoned after the incident.

Lincoln Moorlands manager Martin Burnett said: 'There were two children's games on the next field and I dread to think what could have happened if the dog had gone on there instead.  'Also the dog wasn't fully grown and it could have been even worse if it was a larger animal. 'It was scary as the dog was out of control, it was not listening to its handler and nobody could do anything. 'I have been in football for 22 years and I have never seen anything like this before.'

A Humberside Police spokesman said: 'The people injured have had their injuries photographed, the dog handler has submitted a full report to the police dog section and we will fully look into what went on.'

 
True Story.
A Lot of Sparkle For a Hunk of Glass

The largest diamond that was ever found was 3106 carats.

 In 1905, Frederick Wells, superintendent of a mine in South
Africa, paused to look at something high in the mine wall, that
was reflecting the nearby light. What he removed from the rock,
looked like nothing more than a hunk of crystal. What it turned
out to be, was the largest, gem-quality diamond ever found, at
3106 carats, or in 'real' terms, about 1.3 pounds. It was named
the Cullinan, after Sir Thomas Cullinan who had opened that
particular mine, and was present the day the diamond was found.

Now that they had it, what were they going to do with such an
enormous jewel? Well, for one it was just a semi-shiny hunk of
rock. Diamonds don't take on their most appealing
characteristics until they are cut and polished.

The Transval government purchased the stone, and presented it to
King Edward VII of England, on his 66th birthday in 1907. The
King then charged the Asscher Diamond Co. of Amsterdam, with the
nerve-shattering task of cutting the diamond. For not only was
it hard on the nerves, a tap in the wrong place, and the entire,
priceless gem (it was insured, in the rough, for 1 ¼ million
dollars) would turn into diamond dust.

In 1908, Mr. Asscher himself placed a steel blade in a prepared
groove, and gently tapped it with a mallet. The blade broke, but
not the diamond. After trying a second time, the stone split
where planned, and an employee reported that Mr. Asscher passed
out. When he recovered, he went on to split the rough Cullinan,
into nine sections, ranging from the famed Cullinan I ( also
known as the Star of Africa) at 530 carats, down to the Cullinan
IX, a 4.39 carat pear diamond. The 'leftovers' included 96
brilliants and 9.5 carats of unpolished pieces.

Until recently, the Cullinan I was the largest finished diamond
in the world, and holds place of honor in the sovereign's royal
scepter, where it was put by Edward VII. The second largest
section, the Cullinan II, at 317.4 carats, is now the focal
stone in the headband of the Imperial State Crown, worn by
Elizabeth II at her coronation, but originally worn by Queen
Victoria when she ascended the throne. The English Royal Family
owns all nine major sections of the Cullinan.

 

True Story 2

Froggy Facts

An adult 'Gold Frog' measures to be 9.8 millimeters in body
length.

 They may not all be princes, but frogs can be downright
interesting, once you stop thinking of their legs as an entrée,
and look at some of their more unique features and habits.

Not all frogs are created equal, in size or in 'extras'. The
biggest frogs in the world, are the Conraua of South Africa,
which weigh in at about six pounds, with a body that is a foot
long. On the other webbed hand, the smallest frogs will only
take up about 3/8 of an inch, and their weight would be almost
nil. There are several tiny species, including the Gold Frog
from Brazil and the Eleutherodactylus Iberia of Cuba, so
recently discovered, it doesn't yet have a common name.

Big or small, they share one of the four types of pupils common
to frogs: round, much like humans; vertical, similar to a cat
and good for night vision or sudden changes in light levels;
horizontal-shaped, which function best in daytime; and heart-
shaped, with no known benefits, but they look really cool on
oriental fire-bellied toads.

Their reproductive habits aren't just your plain old clutch of
jelly-like eggs in a pond, either. The Surinam toad mates in the
water, and when the female releases her eggs, the male
fertilizes them then sticks them on her back, where a skin will
grow over the clutch, enclosing them for 80 days until they
hatch, which is easier to stomach than the Gastric Brooding
Frog's practice of incubating their young in their stomachs,
until they grow past the tadpole stage. Hormones secreted by the
young, suppress the gastric acids. Sadly, these frogs, which
only appeared in Australia in the 1870s and 80s, are thought to
be extinct, since none have been found in almost 20 years.

Famous Sayings - Quotes from Famous Old Sages

 
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

Famous Sayings

Those who do not learn the lessons of history are bound to repeat them
Santyana

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
Chinese proverb

I cannot teach anybody anything, I can only make them think.
Socrates (470-399 B.C.) �

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.
Confucius

All things are difficult before they are easy
Thomas Fuller

Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous mind
Samuel Johnson

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

I am still learning.
Michelangelo �

Believe one who has proved it. Believe an expert.
Virgil, Aeneid

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese proverb

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The more we do, the more we can do
William Hazlett

Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult
Seneca

Pay no attention to what the critics say;�no statue has ever been erected to a critic
Jean Sibelius�

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Rene Descartes

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Will Durant

Readers are plentiful, thinkers are rare.
Harriet Martineau

You cannot create experience. You must undergo it.
Albert Camus �

Do not wait for the day of judgement, it takes place every day
Albert Camus

All men desire knowledge
Aristotle

Education is the best provision for old age
Aristotle

Well begun is half done.
Aristotle

For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them
Aristotle

Humour.

Corny or What?

Have you heard about the man who had a relationship with a parakeet?
He contracted chirpes and the worst thing?
It was untweetable.

Prostitute Parrots

A woman went to her priest with a problem. 'Father, I have two
female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All
they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'
'That's terrible!' exclaimed the priest. 'But I think I can
help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will
put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read
the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying
that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to
praise and worship.'

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads
and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female
parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said,
'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed 'Put those beads away, our prayers have been
answered!'

 
London Toilets

 An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, 'I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.'

'I'm very sorry, officer,' replies the American, 'but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom.'

'Ah, yes,' said the policeman...'Just follow me'. He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. 'In there,' points the policeman. 'Go ahead sir, anywhere you like.'

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, 'That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?'

'No sir...', replied the police officer, '...that is what we call the French Embassy.'

 

Two women, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to
each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee
and asks, 'So, where y'all from?'

The Yankee replies, 'I am from a place where we do not end our
sentences with a preposition.'

Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and
asks, 'So, where y'all from, bitch?'

Two women, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to
each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee
and asks, 'So, where y'all from?'

The Yankee replies, 'I am from a place where we do not end our
sentences with a preposition.'

Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and
asks, 'So, where y'all from, bitch?'

Aging

Gloria, out for a walk, notices this little old man rocking in a chair on his porch and approaches him.

'I can't help noticing how happy you look,' Gloria smiles at him, 'What is your secret for a long happy life?'
'I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,' he replied, 'I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.'
'That's amazing!' Gloria responds, 'How old are you?'
'Twenty-six,' he replies.

Judgement
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.

'Now don't let me ever see your face again,' said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.

'I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir,' said the released man.
'And why not?'.
'Because I'm the barman at your regular pub.'






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