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Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Tuesday March 7th 2009

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.

 

 

Seniors and Minors lose: A bad weekend on the pitch for the footballers

The minors narrowly lost out to Moorefield on Sunday morning 2-10 to 1-11 while the Seniors followed suit by losing to Monasrerevin on Sunday night also by two points 1-6 to 0-7. Having got to the Aldridge Cup final where they lost out to a last minute goal from Kilcock they have now lost three in a row including the first two rounds of the League. Leading by 5-1 at the interval they only scored two points in the second half as Monasterevin went on to score 1-5 with Sarsfields missing a lot of second half scoring chances. They will be anxious to get back on the winning track and get off the bottom of the table when they face Kilcullen –who drew with Allenwood on Sunday-  away on Saturday evening next at 6pm.

 

But a good one for the Camogie team.

The following message from Fiona Sully was posted on the Sarsfields GuestBook on the Website this morning

 

WELL DONE TO THE CAMOGIE TEAM ON MONDAY THE 6TH APRIL WHO BEAT NAAS WITH A 4-8 TO O-2 POINT VICTORY.WHAT A BRILLANT START TO THE SEASON.KEEPING THE SASH FLYING.GO GIRLS.

 

 

Sunday Lunch In Sarsfields.

 

Starting on Sunday next, Easter Sunday April 12th there will be lunch every Sunday in the Function Room from 12.30 until 6pm. After the success of Mother’s Day lunch it has been decided to do it every Sunday. A children’s menu will be available in addition to the adult menu which will cost approximately €14. Now that the Inter County championship is just around the corner there will be a live game every Sunday on the big screens in the bar.

 

 

Leinster GAA News
 
Ticket prices should have come down

By Martin Breheny

 
THE headline figure of €5m as the decrease in gate receipts for the 2008 All-Ireland championships reveals only part of a decline, which shows that the real drop on 2007 was around €8m when the provincial championships are included.

However, last year's figures compare favourably with 2006, which suggests that 2007 was the peak year for receipts and will not be repeated until after the country emerges from the current recession. The GAA are budgeting for a further decrease this year -- possibly as much as 10pc -- despite keeping ticket prices at the same levels as 2007/'08.

Last year's €5m drop refers only to games run by Central Council, where the main revenue generators are the All-Ireland championships. The four provincial councils retain gate receipts from their own championships where, with the exception of Ulster, there was also a downturn last year.

Leinster decreased by almost €2m on 2007; Munster was down €1.12m while Connacht dropped €177,000. Ulster increased due to replays in the Armagh v Fermanagh final and Down v Tyrone quarter-final. However, it still left the overall nationwide reduction on 2007 at around €8m, which equates to €250,000 per county.

There were specific reasons for last year's drop in Leinster and Munster. The replayed Dublin v Meath football clash in 2007 yielded €1.4m whereas the only replay last year was the much less lucrative Dublin v Wexford hurling semi-final. Leinster's gross yield of €5.93m last year was €100,000 up on 2006.

Munster also enjoyed a replay bonanza in 2007, when it took three games to separate Limerick and Tipperary hurlers whereas they had no replays in either code last year. Munster's 2008 return was down €73,000 on 2006, a year when the senior football final produced a replay.

Replays have often been a rich source of income for provincial councils but much of that revenue will be closed up to the semi-finals stage from this year as extra-time will be played in first-round and quarter-final ties which finish level in normal time.

Leinster (Dublin v Meath), Ulster (Armagh v Tyrone) and Munster (Cork v Tipperary SH) all have high-profile quarter-final clashes this
year but in the event of draws, replays will only apply if teams are still level after extra-time.

 
It was decided last year to scrap replays in the early rounds so as to free up more Sundays for club games and to smooth the overall fixtures schedule, but some members of Central Council and the Management Committee have raised the possibility of returning to the long-held tradition of replaying every drawn championship game. However, that won't apply this year.

The GAA's decision to retain ticket prices at 2007/'08 levels has been taken in the hope of stabilising income streams in increasingly difficult times, but it may turn out to have been a mistake both in financial and goodwill terms.

A drop of 10pc in prices would not only have gone down extremely
well with the GAA public, it might also have proved self-financing and could have encouraged more people to attend games they might otherwise have missed. There's a growing likelihood that people will become more selective in the games they attend, a trend which is already evident in the National Leagues.

Apart from providing a financial boost to its members, a ticket-price drop would have sent out a very positive signal to the GAA membership at a time when, as the largest sporting movement in the country, more of their members are hit by job losses and wage cuts than other organisation.

Director-general Paraic Duffy pointed out that in addition to retaining prices at 2007/'08 levels, the GAA also run a number of schemes such as season tickets for the league and family tickets during the championship, which help keep costs down.

He also said that the GAA had little room to manoeuvre if they were
to maintain the high level of support they give to counties and provincial counties (it totalled €52m in 2008) for games development and infrastructure projects.

This will be increasingly important in the coming years when there will be little -- if indeed any -- support for capital funding from Government coffers.

Nonetheless, as the sporting organisation with the closest links to the community throughout the country, it would have provided the GAA membership with a psychological as well as a financial boost if ticket prices had been cut by 10pc.

The GAA contends that it provides excellent value for money in comparison with other sports, which is indeed the case, but in its role as the heartbeat of so many towns and villages, it should have made the grand gesture of ticket price-cuts.

 

Leinster GAA News
 
O'Neill launches strong push to keep new rules


 
DESPITE an outbreak of negative publicity in recent weeks, Disciplinary
Task Force chairman Liam O'Neill is confident that the temporary playing
rules will get a permanent seal of approval at this month's Annual
Congress.

Together with referees' co-ordinator Pierce Freaney, , from the Sarsfields club in Newbridge, games development official Pat Doherty and games development manager Pat Daly, O'Neill has travelled the country and visited the GAA's overseas units in a bid to get the experimental rules adopted.

Their presentations have been comprehensive and by the end of the league
they expect comparative analysis with last year's competition to show
that there has been more playing time, more scores from play, fewer
frees and fouls and a higher overall scoring rate in football.

Research shows there has also been a more consistent application of the
rules by referees.

But with a two-thirds majority required to get the new rules through,
O'Neill's committee have a massive challenge on their hands, hence their
extensive tour and recent visit to the UK where a valuable 20 Congress
votes are available.

The rules were introduced on January 4 in a wave of positive publicity,
but a number of high-profile managers, including Mickey Harte and Jack
O'Connor, have recently spoken out against them. And there is also a
growing feeling within hurling that the new measures are not needed in
the small ball game.

However, armed with the backing of referees and many players, O'Neill
and his colleagues have been heartened at the response from county
boards.

'The one thing we've found,' he says, 'is that while some boards are
being influenced by their team manager, the majority who see our
presentation are enthusiastic and able to make up their own minds.

'So I would be hopeful we can get these through. The one drawback
we
have is that we have to get a two-thirds majority. If it was a simple
majority, we would stand a much better chance.'

Aside from making PowerPoint presentations to each county unit, the
committee has worked hard to ensure that referees become increasingly
familiar with the new regime. A software package, similar to the 'Who
wants to be a Millionaire' concept was introduced to a recent seminar in
Athlone. There, 80 referees were shown fouls on screen. They had five
seconds to pick one of four categories that the foul belonged to. They
could deem the challenge a tick or a black, yellow or red card offence.

At the end of each sequence, a graph was presented outlining their
voting patterns. The graphs showed there was increased clarity among
match officials and therefore less scope for uncertainty.

'If the referees want to make the right calls in front of 80,000 people
later in the year, they must be able to handle the pressure of a
training exercise where they only have five seconds to get it right, so
they welcomed the challenge,' O'Neill added.

'Look, these rules are all about making life easier for referees too, I
really believe that. The GAA has always had problems with consistent
refereeing but it seems the more you try to fix that the more criticism
you receive.

'In our 125th anniversary year, I firmly believe that if these rules are
adopted by Congress, referees will benefit immeasurably. There will be
no more grey areas, only categories of fouls to choose from. That will
clean the whole thing up and make life easier for them.'

The Laois man, a strong contender for the next GAA presidency, also
believes that hurling, and not just football, will be all the better if
their system is taken on board full-time.

'Hurling people say they don't need these rules but wouldn't their game
be better without the high tackle, the body check and the pull-down?
We're not trying to take away the physicality, we're trying to clean the
game up. I can't understand people saying they are not needed in
hurling. I am a strong hurling man myself and I think they will help the
game.'

The committee has already signalled its willingness to respond to
feedback. Two weeks ago, O'Neill agreed to modify the experiment and the
offence 'to wrestle an opponent on the ground, and away from play' was
no longer deemed a highly disruptive foul.

Congress delegates will also be given the option of removing the
carryover yellow cards rule which has led to suspensions.

'The key question delegates will be asked is whether they want a new
skills emphasis placed on Gaelic games or whether they are content to
carry on with the increased physicality that has swept into inter-county
fare.

'We want the skilful player protected. We want to cut out the process
where one star player is being systematically fouled by a number of
opponents and none of them suffer. We want more open games with more
scores and our figures show that's what we have right now. Hopefully,
people will consider that when they vote rather than just listening to
the views of some managers.'

O'Neill will learn the fate of his proposals at Cork-based Congress
which takes place on April 17 and 18.

 

League Permutations for Kildare.

 

With Kildare now sitting top of Division 2 due to scoring difference after their victory over Fermanagh last Sunday week the two promotion spots up for grabs will not be known until after the final round of the league on Easter Sunday. The games that concern Kildare apart from their game against Meath are Cork v Armagh and Laois V Monaghan. If Kildare beat Meath, Cork beat Armagh and Monaghan beat Laois then Kildare and Cork will be promoted and will play in the Division 2 final as long as Monaghan don’t beat Laois by 9pts + or – the scoring difference between Kildare and Monaghan on the day. If the three games are draws then Kildare and Cork will also go through. If Kildare, Cork and Monaghan all lose then Armagh will top the group and will be joined by either Kildare , Cork or Monaghan. The final placing will be determined by scoring difference. If Cork win and both Kildare and Monaghan lose one of them will join Cork again depending again on scoring difference. A draw would be good enough for Kildare provided either Monaghan or Cork



 

Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming Week.

 

 

 

Tuesday 7th of April at 7.15pm

Ballyteague Tournament Senior Football

Ballyteague V Sarsfields

 

Ladies Senior Football at 7pm

Sarsfields V Naas      Main Pitch

 

Thursday 9th of April at 6.45pm 

Junior Hurling League

Sarsfields V Coill Dubh         Main Pitch   Seamus Doyle

 

Saturday 11th of April at 6.00pm

Senior Football Division 1

Kilcullen V Sarsfields             Tommy O’Rourke

 

Bord Na nOg

Friday 10th of April at 6.30pm

Under 16 Division 1

Sarsfields V Castledermot       Main Pitch   Brendan Hickey

 

Sunday 12th of April at 10am

Feile Shield Semi-Final under 14

Celbridge V Sarsfields              Liam Herbert

 

 

 

 More Stupid Quotes.

 

'Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident... you
know you have to do something about it because you know you're
the only one that can really help.'
- Tom Cruise

 

 

'Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity
of human life'.
- Orrin Hatch (US Senator from Utah) explaining his support of
the death penalty, May 16, 1988

 

'There is no housing shortage in Lincoln today - just a rumour that is put about by people who have nowhere to live.'
- G.L. Murfin, Mayor of Lincoln

'Yes, maam?  Right here, this lady.  No, she!  Yes, right, second row.  Next to the guy in the blue shirt, holding her left hand up.  It's a he?  Sorry about that.  Gotta be careful.  I'm very sorry.  Go ahead! I'm, excuse me, I'm very sorry. Go, ah, I, a thousand apologies, go ahead.'
- George Bush Sr., Former U.S. President, at a press conference

 'It is white.'
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London

'...NATO and its allies and the United States.'
- President George W. Bush Jr. (when he was governor),  forgetting that the U.S. is in NATO

'If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.'
- George Gobel

'I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.'
- George Rogers, NFL New Orleans Saint RB, when asked about the  upcoming season

'I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents.'
- George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor

'If you're living in an area with a bad school, move to a place where there's a better school.'
- Lamar Alexander, former Secretary of Education, explaining   his ideas on what parents of children who attend poorly funded urban or rural schools should do to solve the problem

'We talked five times.  I called him twice, and he called me twice.'
- Larry Bowa, California Angels coach

'I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.'
- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank,   explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World   countries.

'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.'
- Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota.

 

 

'I can't think of a comparable level of cultural excitement about something since Neil Armstrong landed on the moon in the 1960s.'
- Gil Schwartz, CBS publicist, on the 'Survivor' finale.

'For most people, death comes at the end of their lives.'
- GLR broadcaster, UK

'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
- Greg Norman, Golfer

 

Strange/Bizarre/Quirkie News.

 

MILFORD, Connecticut, USA.  It's no April Fools joke. The baby bunny really
does have two noses. A Connecticut pet shop worker found the
nosey bunny in a delivery of 6-week-old dwarf rabbits that
arrived at the Milford store last week. Both noses have two
nostrils. The owner of the Purr-Fect Pets shop says he's never
seen anything like it in 25 years in the business. He says the
bunny eats, drinks and hops around like the rest of the litter.

Beardsley Zoo director Gregg Dancho says the deformity could be
the result of too much inbreeding or the parents' exposure to
pesticides or poisons.

 

Prostitute Bites Man's Finger Off

A Canadian man's refusal to pay a prostitute for her services
resulted in him losing part of his finger after the prostitute
bit it off.  A struggled ensued and the man ran off, but left
crucial evidence at the scene, namely his company car. 'It was a
company truck with the big name and phone number on the side, so
that helped -- our investigators are pretty smart,' Police said.
The man went to the hospital to try and have part of his finger
reattached.

Another Kodak Moment

A motorist in England was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the post a ticket for £40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of £40 . Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture ... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

Show Me How It Works!

Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

 

Sporting Quirkies

African skier qualifies for Winter Olympics

A Glasgow-born African skier who only saw snow for the first time five years ago has qualified for the Winter Olympics. Kwame Nkrumah-Acheampong, 33, nicknamed the Snow Leopard, is the first Ghanaian ever to qualify for the games, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Mr Nkrumah-Acheampong was born in Glasgow while his father was a student in the city, but was raised in Ghana without ever seeing a snowflake.

After moving back to Britain as a student in 2002, he was introduced to snow after becoming a receptionist at a ski centre with an indoor real-snow slope at Milton Keynes.

The father-of-two said: 'All I had ever known about skiing was watching a James Bond film, so it really just took off from there.

'The coaches said I had a natural talent and I've never found skiing difficult. But it has been a hard fight.

Woman hits hole-in-one with first ever swing

Here’s one for all golfers and would be golfers.

 A 62-year-old woman hit a hole-in-one in Florida - with her first ever swing on a golf course.

Norwegian Unni Haskell achieved the feat in St Petersburg, where she now lives, reports the St Petersburg Times.

'I didn't know it was that big of a deal,'' she said. 'I thought all golfers do this.''

Mrs Haskell had taken two months of golf lessons before deciding she was ready to hit the course.

She teed up and took aim on the 100-yard first hole, swung as hard as she could and watched the ball avoid a bunker, bounce onto the green and roll into the hole.

Her lessons had been held on the driving range and putting green but she finally told her coach Rick Sopka she felt ready for her first round of golf on a course.

'We were going to do a putting lesson that day,' Mr Sopka said. 'She said, no, she wanted to play. She didn't even hit a range ball. No warm-up at all.'

Mrs Haskell added 'I swung the club and Rick said it looked really good. He said it might go in the hole. Then he goes nuts. I couldn't believe it. I had to get Rick to take me up to the hole to prove it.''

Mr Sopka added: 'It kind of trundled up to the green and I'm like, 'Go in! Go in!' And then I go crazy, screaming and yelling. I give her a big hug. She didn't believe me.

'Then I said, 'Unni, here's the problem. There's nowhere to go from here but down'.'

 

'Even now, when I go to big events, there are people who refuse to believe that an African can ski. They sort of stare and shout, 'Here comes the strange man.' But that is to be expected.

'These Winter Olympics will be my last chance, so hopefully I will leave a legacy that has changed people's views of African skiers.'

His last four winters have been spent in the Italian Alps, funded by summer jobs around Milton Keynes, and by the work of his wife, Sena, at the Open University.

This winter he finally racked up 140 points, the season-long tally required to guarantee a place at next year's Winter Olympics in Vancouver. He will be eligible to compete for the slalom and giant slalom.

 

Fan referees match - at 82

An 82-year-old soccer fan went to watch his local team and ended up as referee.

But sprightly Antony Warren didn't even have a watch so his wife Margery, 78, kept time.

Antony who officiated until he was 80 stepped in when the match official pulled out with an injury just before kick-off.

He borrowed a kit and whistle but had to wear his own shoes.

Retired electrician Antony, of Llanbedr, Gwynedd, said: 'I hesitated for a bit, but the players said, 'Please do it for us.' They never gave me any trouble. They were all quite respectful.'

The team he went to watch, Barmouth and Dyffryn, beat Real Llandudno 9-2.

 

True Story.

Larry Walters; Soared to Fame on Lawn Chair
Back in 1982, Larry Walters achieved fame by piloting a lawn chair attached to helium balloons 16,000 feet above Long Beach.  Incidentally, his Lawn chair was christened 'Inspiration I'.

What happened was Larry joined 42 weather grade balloons to an aluminium lawn chair.  He then filled the balloons by pumping in helium.  Two assistants
then launched his chair by untying the Guy ropes.  Larry prepared for his flight by packing a bottle of soda, a parachute and a portable CB radio to alert air traffic to his presence.   He took a camera but later admitted, that he was so paralysed by the view I didn't take any pictures.

As a truck driver, Larry had no pilot or balloon training, so it was all a big adventure when the chair soared three miles high to 16,000 feet.  Unfortunately, or on reflection, fortunately he was in an air traffic lane and  at least two airline pilots spotted him and contacted the Federal Aviation Administration.

Once the shock and the novelty wore off, Larry started to get cold.  Fortunately he had a plan, this was to burst the balloons with his trusty pellet gun and thus descend gracefully back to earth.  Unfortunately he had no control on the decent and the balloons draped over power lines, blacking out a Long Beach neighbourhood.

The adventure cost Larry Walters a $1,500 fine from the FAA.  However he
earned the top prize from the Bonehead Club of Dallas.  Larry also claimed the altitude record for gas-filled clustered balloons.  In due course Larry was invited to appear on 'The Tonight Show' and was flown to New York to be on 'Late Night With David Letterman,' which he later described as 'the most fun I've ever had.'

'I didn't think that by fulfilling my dream that I would create such a stir,' he later told The Times, 'and make people laugh.'  Larry gave up his truck-driving job and went on the lecture circuit, remaining in demand at motivational seminars. But he said he never made much money from his innovative flight and was glad to keep his simple lifestyle.  He gave his the aluminium lawn chair to children after he landed, but he later regretting giving away his pride and joy.

The key to Larry's suicide in 1993 may have been his Army service in Vietnam, Walters never married and had no children. He is survived by his mother and two sisters.

 
 

True Story 2

Danger on the Wing

Gloucestershire airport in England used to blast Tina Turner
songs on its runways to scare birds away.

 

All it takes is a single bird to knock a plane out of the air.
And when they encounter flocks of birds on the wing, those
meetings can be fatal, as in the 1995 collision between 30 geese
and a jet at the Elmendorf Air Force Base in Anchorage, Alaska,
where all 24 people aboard, were killed.

That kind of accident isn't a recent development, either. The
first man to cross America in an airplane, Calbraith Rodgers,
was killed in a bird/plane collision in 1912. But with the boom
in population, and the need to get there faster, air travel has
grown by leaps and bounds, and so has the bird problem.

So serious is the matter taken, that NASA keeps a special, high-
powered gun that fires dead birds at the windshields of new
planes, to test their durability in the face of feathered
threats.

In the last decade of the 1900s, the Federal Aviation Commission
estimated that bird collisions in-air or on the ground, caused
$48 million dollars in damage. In fact, by 1997, figures showed
that incidents of bird/plane accidents had soared to more than
2,800 annually, an increase of 50% over 1990 figures.

Why are birds a problem? For one, airports tend to be built in
areas distant from 'civilization', because of the noise factor.
This means there is usually grass if not marshland, and natural
insect life to feed on. Coastal airports being near the water,
attract sea birds, as well.

In an attempt to solve the problem, airports have shot birds,
poisoned them, set off firecrackers, and installed loud sirens.
Some even resorted to dog patrols that would go out twice daily,
and harass the avian population. All of these have had limited
success.

On the other hand, the airport at Gloucestershire, England, came
up with a solution that drove the doves (and everything else)
away. They replaced their recordings of bird distress calls,
with some by Tina Turner - played at top volume.

 

True Story 3.

Love Bites

Spiders are probably one of the most detested and feared species They're actually somewhat fussy, and of necessity, specific in their diet, due to their mobility, habitat, and environmental factors.

Contrary to popular belief, not all spiders invite you into their web. Some species jump out of hiding, and others, believe it or not, actually run their prey to earth. As a rule though, spiders kill their dinner by injecting venom that has varying properties such as immobilization, neurotoxins, and others. Only one species does not possess venom, but the vast majority of spider venoms are not fatal to Man. Just their dinner.

Once dead, victims are consumed through the chelicerae, a pair of two-sectioned appendages, part of which are hollow fangs. With no mouth, most prey is consumed in liquid form, either from natural decomposition, or a process that is hurried along by a special venom injected into the victim that liquefies their internal organs.

Which is how the females sometimes consume their mates. The tale about females always killing their mates is yet another half myth. While some species do attack and even consume the male after mating, it is not that common, despite the Black Widow having gotten her name from this form of arachnid divorce. In those species that do kill and eat their mate, notably the Australian Redback spider, it's thought there is a biological reason behind the action, which is to nourish the female, and consequently the coming offspring.'

 

Humour.

 

Darragh O'Malley was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not.

'A shure I'll give it a go,' he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it.

Darragh sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Darragh immediately opened.

'What do you think you are doing?' demanded the policeman in a sharp tone.

'Sure I'm having me tea break,' replied Darragh.

'And what do you work at?' enquired the policeman.

'Agh shure, I deliver bridges,' smiled Darragh.

 

 

Big Eric

One day, Dave, the bus driver, was in his bus when the biggest man he had ever seen got on. The giant looked at the driver and growled, 'Big Eric doesn't pay', and took his seat.  Dave was only a little man and he didn't really want to argue.

This happened for several days. After a week, Dave was beginning to get a little angry. Everybody else paid, so why not the big man?

So Dave went to the gym and started a course of body-building. He didn't want to be frightened of Big Eric any longer.

Eight weeks later the driver had strong muscles and was feeling very fit.

At the usual stop, Big Eric got on. 'Big Eric doesn't pay', he barked; but this time Dave was prepared for him. He stood up, shaking slightly, and said between clenched teeth, 'Oh, yeah? And why doesn't Big Eric pay?'

'Because Big Eric has got a bus pass' , the man replied.

 

 


1)
Nobel Prize

Bob is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Harris standing in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Bob, curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, 'Excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what you are you doing?'

'I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize,' the farmer replies.

'A Nobel Prize?' enquires Bob, puzzled. 'How?'

'Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.'

2)
Reginald's new diet


Reginald was terribly overweight, so his doctor placed him on a strict diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds,' his doctor assured him.

When Reginald returned he shocked his doctor by having lost almost twenty pounds.

'Why, that's amazing,' the doctor said, greatly impressed, 'You certainly must have followed my instructions.'

Reginald nodded, 'I'll tell you what though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.'

'Why, from hunger?' asked his doctor.

'No, from all that skipping.'

 

Be nice to the Nurse

 

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned this the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.'

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. 'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated,' but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!' She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

'Yes,' said the doctor. 'But never with a carnation.'

 



Self Analysis

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window? NURSE'

 
Eye opener

Overheard in an optician’s last week when an old man stares down at a magazine on the table and says:
' what's the shagging point of leaving magazines around. If we could read them we wouldn’t be here in the first place!'

 

What Block is she chipped from?
Overheard  chipper in Stillorgan recently.
Girl in queue in front  ordered two singles.

Guy behind counter: ' Do you want them wrapped seperate or together?'
Girl: ' Eh, would you wrap one of them separate please'

 

 

Sour Face

 

 Thomas was cooking Mexican food and went to a shop in Dublin city in search of sour cream. The interaction with the 2 shop girls went as follows.

Thomas: 'Excuse me, do you sell sour cream?'

Girl#1: 'Do we sell wha?'

Thomas: 'Sour cream.'

Girl#2: 'Ya mean cream that's gone off like?'

Thomas: 'No. Sour cream for Mexican food.'

Girl#1: 'Eh. No. Never heard o' tha. Wha would ye want bleedin sour cream to make your dinner with anyways?.'

Thomas: 'Ok never mind, Thanks I may go into town to a shop that sells foreign foods.'

 

Girl#1 “I think ye bleedin may if your planning on making poncy food like dat”

As Thomas leaves the shop he hears Girl#1 say to Girl#2:

' Jaysus Sour cream??!! Who does your man think he is? F**kin Al Pacino or sumthin??!!

 

 

Emergency light stop

Coming home on the last bus from Bray to Greystones on a dark wintry night. A man standing at a spot which is not a recognised bus stop stretches out his hand to stop the bus. Surprisingly enough the driver pulls in to pick up the passenger. I suppose he felt sorry for the man standing there in the drizzle with an unlit cigarette in one hand, swaying a bit. But instead of getting on the bus he gestures unsteadily with the cigarette and says 'Got a light?'

The driver goes 'Ah for f***'s sake!' and drives off.

Car Wash

Overheard at a Car Wash.
A  pretty badly dented VW Golf pulled in and a man gets out
 Customer: 'A Wash'n' Wax please!'
 Employee: 'Do Ya want me to Iron it as well?!'

 

 

Saying the Right Thing

 

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... What happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

 

Contributors Required

If anyone would like to contribute to this Newsletter please send info to editor tonyr06@eircom.net. Articles, news, anecdotes etc would be very welcome. If you know anyone who would like to be added to the e-mail mailing list for the Newsletter then please ask them to forward their e-mail addresses to the above or alternatively you can now subscribe to the Newsletter directly from Sarsfields website.

Please note that as part of Sarsfields online privacy policy your E-mail address will not be given to any third parties under any circumstances. Sarsfields online privacy policy can be read in full on the Sarsfields website at www.sarsfieldsgaanewbridge.ie/page8.htm

 


 
 

 

 

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