THE SASH Tuesday March 31st 2009

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.

Lilies revive final hopes

Win over Fermanagh sets up last-day decider with Meath.

KILDARE footballers got their promotion ambitions firmly back on track with a comprehensive win in Fermanagh on Sunday, leaving them marginally ahead of a congested pile at the top of NFL Division 2.

The scriptwriters couldn’t have penned a more nerve-tingling second flight finale, with Kildare, Cork and Monaghan all locked on nine points, just one ahead of Armagh on eight.

By virtue of yesterday’s 0-16 to 1-8 win at Brewster Park — a result which sealed Fermanagh’s relegation fate — the Lilywhites have a marginally superior scoring difference of plus 27, ahead of Cork’s plus 26 and Monaghan’s plus 19.

But picking two from this four is anyone’s guess, and Kildare can take nothing for granted from a last-day visit to arch-Leinster rivals Meath on April 12. On the same day, there’s a potential winner-takes-all showdown between Cork and Armagh while Monaghan travel to Laois.

For Kildare boss Kieran McGeeney, yesterday was partly about the result but arguably just as much about getting the right response to their disappointing home setback against his native Armagh a week earlier.

But ‘Geezer’ wasn’t getting carried away afterwards. ‘It’s a good win and keeps us in the hunt for promotion,’ he said. ‘But they didn’t have Marty McGrath and that was a huge loss to them.’

Kildare secured the points at Enniskillen thanks to a power-packed second half, coming after an error-ridden, free-riddled opening period.

The visitors lost Dermot Earley to first half injury but still led by a point at the midpoint. Four unanswered points in a three-minute spell — from Padraig O’Neill, Robert Kelly, O’Neill again and Ronan Sweeney — then pushed Kildare five clear midway through the second half.

A Pat Cadden goal, cutting the margin to two points, briefly ignited Fermanagh hopes but this proved only a minor blip for Kildare who notched four successive points to put the result beyond doubt.

League Permutations for Kildare.

With Kildare now sitting top of Division 2 due to scoring difference after their victory over Fermanagh on Sunday the two promotion spots up for grabs will not be known until after the final round of the league on Easter Sunday. The games that concern Kildare apart from their game against Meath are Cork v Armagh and Laois V Monaghan. If Kildare beat Meath, Cork beat Armagh and Monaghan beat Laois then Kildare and Cork will be promoted and will play in the Division 2 final as long as Monaghan don’t beat Laois by 9pts + or – the scoring difference between Kildare and Monaghan on the day. If the three games are draws then Kildare and Cork will also go through. If Kildare, Cork and Monaghan all lose then Armagh will top the group and will be joined by either Kildare , Cork or Monaghan. The final placing will be determined by scoring difference. If Cork win and both Kildare and Monaghan lose one of them will join Cork again depending again on scoring difference. A draw would be good enough for Kildare provided either Monaghan or Cork lose.

 Allianz GAA Football National League Roinn 2 Table

SFL Round 1  Moorefield 0-9 Sarsfields 0-7

Moorefield retained the Timmy Durney/Mick O’Keeffe memorial Cup named in honour of the lifelong Moorefield and Sarsfields friends and pantomime duo, when they had a relatively comfortable win over Sarsfields in the opening round of the league in Sarsfields Park on Saturday evening last. The two point losing margin flatters Sarsfields as Moorefield were far the better team in the second half. Had Moorefield converted their second half dominance into scores they could have been five or six points to the good at the finish.

            In a low scoring first half Sarsfields were the quickest to settle and led 3-1 after eight minutes thanks to a point apiece from Conor Duffy, Gary White and Paddy Cambell. Paddy Murray, Moorefield’s best forward on display with a personal tally of five points punished a couple of Sarsfields’ defensive indiscretions when he converted two frees within two minutes to level the game at three a piece. An excellent Morgan O’Sullivan point from about 30 metres a few minutes before the break restored Sarsfields advantage but it was short lived as a fine point from Ciaran Kelly regained parity for Moorefield and the sides went in at the halftime break level at four points each and all to play for in the second half.

            After the resumption Moorefield created a number of scoring chances but erratic shooting let them down. It was until the 9^th minute that a Paddy Murray free edged them ahead followed up a minute later by A Ciaran Kelly point to leave Moorefield 6-4 ahead. Sarsfields best forward, Padraig Brennan reduced the deficit for Sarsfields before Paddy Murray again restored Moorefield’s two point advantage.

Having leaked three goals in their Aldridge cup clash against Sarsfields, Moorfield’s defence was outstanding on Saturday constantly swallowing up Sarsfields attacks with Sarsfields forwards finding themselves surrounded by three and four defenders at times. This allied to the freedom that Moorefield forwards enjoyed at the other end was the main difference between the sides and when Paddy Murray stretched Moorefields  lead to four points, 9 to 5 with eight minutes remaining the writing was on the wall for Sarsfields. Sarsfields in an effort to salvage something from the game responded with two Padraig Brennan points in the 24^th and 27^th minutes of the half and dominated the remaining minutes but were unable to breach a resolute Moorefield defence.  Sarsfields manager Hugh Kenny will not have been happy with the amount of freedom that Moorefield forwards got particularly Paddy Murray who seemed to roam the pitch at will in the second half. The only positive from Sarsfields point of view is that Gary White who played his first game of 2009 came through unscathed having recovered from his shoulder operation at the end of last season and is now back in training with Kildare.      

Sarsfields: Patrick O’Sullivan, John Kavanagh, Joe O’Malley, Martin Dunne, Steven Lawler, Robbie Confrey, Conor Duffy, (0-1) Enda Freeney, Sean Cambell, Gary White,Padraig Brennan (0-4) Declan McKenna, Morgan O’Sullivan, (0-1) Paddy Cambell (0=1) Subs: Michael Browne for Paddy Cambell (23mins). Ketih Harvey and Eoin O’Sullivan for Steven Ussher and Declan McKenna (45mins) Caoimhín McDonnell and Conor Tiernan for Michael Browne and Sean Cambell (55)

Moorefield: Steven Doyle, Ian Lonergan, Pauric Byrne, Pauric Flynn, Kenny Duane, Ross Glavin, Jamess Lonergan, David Whyte, Darryl Flynn, Keith Duane, Paddy Murray(0-5) Ciaran Kelly (0-2) Niall Hurley Lynch, Jason Phillips (0-1) Philly Woulfe(0-1) Subs: Ciaran Corrigan for Jason Phillips (25mins blood Sub) Jason Phillips for Ciaran Corrigan(37 mins) Frank Hannafin for Philly Woulfe (39 mins) Ciaran Corrigan for Keith Duane (45 mins) Niall Callaghan for Ciaran Kelly(55 mins) 

Leinster GAA News
GAA gets to work on saving its players from dole

 By Fergus Black

 
‘We need to develop players in a wider context and to recognise that
employment, health and well-being are very important’

TIME was when a hot shower, training gear and perhaps a couple of
tickets to a big match might be enough to keep most GAA players happy.

But the spectre of spiralling unemployment, which is threatening to
engulf clubs and lead to a flood of emigration of out-of-work players,
has galvanised parts of the organisation into launching a jobs drive for
its members.

An estimated 400,000 players are involved in the GAA, and earlier this
month Donegal’s senior football manager, John Joe Doherty, expressed the
fear that his team faced disintegration through emigration.

This prompted him to appeal to employers to give his players a job. Now,
such is the concern about the deepening recession and its possible
affects on Gaelic games participation rates, that the Gaelic Players’
Association — representing 2,000 inter-county players — has set up a
website jobs board in the hope of linking up out of work players with
job vacancies.

Meanwhile, Limerick GAA is drawing up its own directory of players and
GAA members specifying their jobs skills in an effort to link them with
GAA-orientated employers who may be able to offer them work.

When completed, the directory will be circulated to all 69 Limerick GAA
clubs.

Three months ago a GPA survey of senior inter-country players found that
12pc had lost their jobs and a fresh survey to be completed shortly is
expected to show a marked rise in that figure. ‘The next couple of
months will be very telling and once the Championships begin you will
have a better gauge of what players will be available and whether,
because of the recession, names are missing from squads,’ said GPA chief
executive Dessie Farrell yesterday.

‘We are hoping that GAA-orientated companies with vacancies might look
to the players first and foremost.’

Since it posted its jobs board on its website, the GPA has received a
substantial number of queries from players about work.

 It has presented a new challenge to the association, which is anxious to
become more actively involved in the players’ welfare and education.

If it gets the funding it needs, it wants to offer mentoring programmes,
career advice, preparation of CVs, interview skills and work placement
for players. The GPA even hopes to have its own full-time employment
officer.

‘We want to move away from the traditional view of player welfare that
only involved a hot shower, the provision of some training gear or
tickets for a match,’ said Mr Farrell. ‘We need to look to develop
players in a wider context and to recognise that employment, health and
well-being are very important.’

A GAA spokesman acknowledged that many clubs faced losing players.

The Limerick initiative was one of the first ‘formal stabs’ at stopping
the player drain and while GAA headquarters would not rule out becoming
involved at national level in a similar jobs networking project, such
initiatives were best organised at local level, he said.

 Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming Week.

All players on the county Senior Football & Hurling panels are available to play with their clubs in Round 2 of the senior football leagues this weekend.

Under 16 Girls Division 1 Wednesday 01/04/09 at 6.30pm
Eadstown V Sarsfields

Thursday 02/04/09

Minor Football League Division 1 at 6.30PM

Sarsfields V Balyna      Henry Barrett   Main Pitch

Bord Na nOg Fixtures

Friday 03/04/09 at 6.30pm

Under 16 Division 1

Maynooth v Sarsfields      

North Board fixtures.  Saturday 04/04/09 at 1.30pm
Under 9 group
Sarsfields V Ballyna    Pitch 2
Under 9 Group 4
Sarsfields 2 V Maynooth 2   Pitch 2
 
Under 11 Division 1 Saturday 04/04/09 at 3.00pm
Sarsfields V Kilcock    Pitch 2
Under 11 Division 4
Celbridge 2 V Sarsfields 2       


Sunday 05/04/09

Minor Football League Division 1 match at 11.30am
Moorefield V Sarsfields           Brendan Hickey

Minor Football League Division 4 at 11.30AM

Sarsfields (2) V Carbury          Seamus McKiernan  Main Pitch

Leinster Leader Senior Football Division 1 R2 at 6.00pm

Monasterevin V Sarsfields        Joe Foley  

Ladies Fixtures
Ladies Senior Division 1 at 11.00pm
Maynooth V Sarsfields

 More Stupid Quotes.

”So many of the people in the arenas here were under-privileged
anyway. This is working very well for them”. – Barbara Bush
(September 2005, during the Katrina disaster)

‘I’ve been fortunate – I haven’t had too many auditions. I slept
with the right people’
– Pamela Anderson, former playmate.

‘It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.’
– Dan Quayle,  former U.S. Vice President

‘I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our
time.’
– Mariah Carey, singer, on hearing of the death of King
  of Jordan

‘Don’t bother. It’s totally not worth watching.’ – Nicole
Richie, telling a friend who was interested in her show The
Simple Life.

‘You can hardly tell where the computer models finish and the
real dinosaurs begin.’
– Laura Dern, actor, about the special effects in the movie
  Jurassic Park

‘I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body.’
– Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball
  forward.


 Strange/Bizzare/Quirkie News.

Magician is no Houdini

In Paris, France, magician Henri Darque managed to extricate himself from a pad-locked box… after three weeks! The illusionist had himself strapped inside a straitjacket and locked in the container, as a large audience looked on. Darque was supposed to escape within five minutes, but he never emerged. He left strict orders with his assistant never to help him out of the box. So three weeks later, he climbed out of the box… the bored audience had left after the first night.

Dead Church
A new pastor in Topeka, Kansas, USA, spent the first four days making personal visits to each of his prospective congregation inviting them to come to his inaugural services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone’s duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon.  

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the ‘funeral’.

In front of the pulpit they saw a closed coffin which was covered in flowers. After the priest had delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church. Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a ‘dead church’, all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each ‘mourner’ peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.  

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.

 Rip Van Winkle is awake

CORVALLIS, Oregon.  An Oregon man says people usually think he’s
joking when he introduces himself as Rip Van Winkle. But that’s
the name on his birth certificate. Really. Van Winkle told the
Corvallis Gazette Times that his father and grandfather were
nicknamed Rip, but his dad made things official for his son,
figuring the nickname would eventually stick to him too.

Now, he has a little fun with it.

‘I went to the doctor’s office,’ the 37-year-old contractor
said. ‘My name is Rip Van Winkle, and I can’t sleep.’

He owns and operates Rip Van Winkle Residential Contract and
Repair, and prides himself on being able to fix almost anything.

Van Winkle said he would never change things.

‘It’s cool, because you get a chance to be yourself,’ he said.
‘How many Rip Van Winkles do you meet?’

 
Sporting Quirkies.

 Football Gaffes

And now we have the formalities over, we’ll have the National Anthems
Brian Moore

The last player to score a hat-trick in a cup final was Stan Mortenson. He even had a final named after him, the Matthews final
Lawrie McMenemy

It’s now 4-3 to Oldham, the goals are going in like dominoes
Piccadilly Radio

I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in
Terry Venables

It slid away from his left boot which was poised with the trigger cocked
Barry Davies

We have been saying this, both pre season and before the season started
Len Ashurst

But as you know, the result for City is not as bad as it sounds on paper
Steve McIllwenn

Well actually we got the winner up there with three minutes to go, but then they equalised
Ian McNail

Ian Rush, deadly ten times out of ten, but that wasn’t one of them
Peter Jones

Portsmouth are at Huddersfield, which is always away
Jimmy Greaves

It was a fair decision, the penalty, even though it was debatable whether it was inside or outside the box
Bobby Charlton

Believe it or not, goals can change a game
Mike Channon

Ian Rush unleashed his left foot and it hit the back of the net
Mike England

You’ll be hoping that this run of injuries will stop earlier than it started
Andrew Gidley

Ian Durant has grown both physically and metaphorically in the close season
Jock Wallace

It will be a shame if either side lose, and that applies to both sides
Jock Brown

Peter Shilton conceded five, you don’t get many of those to the dozen
Des Lynam

Everything in our favour was against us
Danny Blanchflower

I think everyone in the stadium went home happy, except all those people in Rumania
Ron Greenwood

Butcher goes forward as Ipswich throw their last trump card into the fire
Byron Butler

John Lyall, very much a claret and blue man, from his stocking feet to his hair
Peter Jones

We’ve got nothing to lose, and there’s no point losing this game
Bobby Robson

Who ever wins today will win the championship no matter who wins
Denis Law

Bryan Robson, well, he does what he does and his future is in the future
Ron Greenwood

Wayne Clarke, one of the famous Clarke family, and he’s one of them, of course
Brian Moore

It’s a Renaissance, or put more simply, some you win, some you lose
Des Lynam

Football is a game of skill, we kicked them a bit and they kicked us a bit
Graham Roberts

5.3 million is a large loaf to be throwing away before a ball’s been kicked
Jimmy Greaves

So that’s 1-0, sounds like the score at Boundary Park where of course it’s 2-2
Jack Wainwright

I do want to play the long ball and I do not want to play the short ball. I think long and short balls is what football is all about
Bobby Robson

Interviewer: In your new book, Pat, you’ve devoted a whole chapter to Jimmy Greaves
Pat Jennings: Yes that’s right, well what can you say about Jimmy?

I am a firm believer that if you score one goal the other team have to score two to win
Howard Wilkinson

Here’s Brian Flynn. His official height is five feet five and he doesn’t look much taller than that

And now International Soccer Special, Manchester United v Southampton
David Coleman

Hodge scored for Forest after only 22 seconds, totally against the run of play
Peter Lorenzo

We are really quite lucky this year because Christmas falls on Christmas Day
Bobby Gould

Well we got nine and you can’t score more than that
Bobby Robson

Don’t tell those coming in now the result of that fantastic match. Now let’s have another look at Italy’s winning goal
David Coleman

Wilkins sends an inch perfect pass to no one in particular
Byron Butler

Even when you’re dead you shouldn’t lie down and let yourself be buried
Gordon Lee

And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season
Alan Parry

I don’t know if that result’s enough to lift Birmingham off the bottom of the table, although it’ll certainly take them above Sunderland
Mike Ingham

True Story.

Flying Plague Plunders Nine States

In July 1874, a swarm of Rocky Mountain locusts flew over
Nebraska covering an area estimated at 198,600 square miles. (nearly 7 times the size of Ireland) It is estimated that the swarm contained about 12.5 trillion
insects. These insects became extinct thirty years later.

The grasshoppers that children catch in jars today, are
relatives of the locust, but thankfully, don’t exist in nearly
the numbers that devastated nine states in the 1870s.

From 1874-1877, residents of Kansas, Missouri, Minnesota, Iowa,
the Dakotas, Colorado, Wyoming and Montana would wage a losing
battle against clouds of Rocky Mountain Locusts, which sometimes
exceeded areas twice the size of Texas.

When the vegetation was gone, the locusts went on to eat almost
anything else they landed on, including laundry hung out on
lines, leather saddles, and the wool right off the back of sheep
in the pasture. They crunched underfoot, often six inches deep
or more. The noise of their approach was described in terms of
thunder, an intense hailstorm, or a driving snowstorm. So great
were their numbers, and so heavy their weight, tree limbs broke
under their bodies and tumbled them onto the nearly barren land.

Bizarre and desperate measures were taken, and rewards were
offered, including a $5 bounty for a bushel basket of the dead
pests. One of the few effective methods used, originated in
Colorado, where a field-wide length of wire was wrapped in oil-
soaked rags then set alight and dragged over the field.

How many locusts were involved in the swarming? A Nebraska
physician telegraphed to points around him, to determine the
edges of the mass, then calculated their depth, and the rate of
movement. His figures are the basis for the Guinness Book of
Word Records entry on the greatest concentration of animals: ‘A
swarm of Rocky Mountain locusts that flew over Nebraska on July
20-30, 1874, covered an area estimated at 198,000 square miles.
The swarm must have contained at least 12.5 trillion insects
with a total weight of 27.5 million tons.”

And yet, 25 years later, they would be extinct. Scientists
working with 100-year old records, studied the life cycle and
habitats of the locusts, and concluded that the pests had not
been victim to a sudden environmental disaster, but rather the
encroachment of man. For when the Rocky Mountain Locusts entered
the reproductive phase of its life cycle, which follows swarming
activity, they laid eggs in the very ground that beleaguered
farmers ploughed up to re-plant. With the growth of farms in the
areas hardest hit, a section that ran north south in the central
U.S., the locusts were gradually wiped out. The last known pair
was collected on July 19, 1902 and are now part of the
Smithsonian Collection.

True Story 2

Chewing the Fat, and Everything Else: The Sawney Beane Saga

Sawney Beane, his wife, 8 sons, 6 daughters, and 32
grandchildren were a family of cannibals that lived in the caves
near Galloway, Scotland in the early 17th Century. Although the
total number is not known, it is believed they claimed over 50
victims per year. The entire family was taken by an army
detachment to Edinburgh and executed, apparently without trial.

 Born in the reign of James VI of Scotland (later James I of
England), Sawney Beane, a farmer’s son, exhibited undesirable
behavior from the outset, including sullenness, vicious streaks,
and spells of violence. As soon as he was old enough to survive
on his own, Sawney Beane took to the hills, and eventually to
the beach, in company with a young woman as bent and twisted as
himself.

On the sands near Galloway, they located a cave that led almost
a mile inland, and which flooded a good 200 yards at high tide,
making for a solitary, and isolated place to hide, where no man
in his right mind would even look. And there would be cause for
the Beanes to hide.

With no job, and no source of income, Sawney Beane turned to
highway robbery, murdering travelers in the area, and taking
whatever money and jewels were to be had. Oddly enough, he was
aware he couldn’t pawn the goods or he would be caught, but he
took them anyway and stockpiled the valuables in his cave.

But there wasn’t a lot of money in being a highwayman, because
in the wilds of Scotland, few people traveled with a lot of cash
on them. So when it came to the necessities of life, the Beanes
were often short of the money to purchase food. Which led
naturally, in Beane’s demented mind, to answer when opportunity
knocked. He and his wife, began eating his victims. Soon, the
ceiling of the cave was hung with hunks and limbs of pickled
human flesh, preserved against the ‘leaner’ times ahead. But
there were a lot of people on the road, and Beane was a busy
man. At times there was so much ‘food’ in the larder, it started
to putrify, and for years, hunks of flesh, and human limbs,
strangely preserved, would be found around the countryside.

Their reign of terror would go on for 25 years, during which the
Beanes produced eight sons and six daughters, who in turn,were
cannibals, raised on murdering and human meat at every meal.

As they became old enough, the Beane offspring joined in the
harvesting of food and money, occasionally venturing into a
nearby village for supplies, with nobody the wiser. The Beanes
themselves were wise too, never attacking a party with more than
two people on horseback, and carefully setting up three-pronged
attacks so there would be no escapes. Then one day, their luck
ran out.

The clan attacked a man and wife returning on their one horse,
from a fair. While the husband fought to defend them, the woman
fell off and was butchered in front of his eyes. But as they
were about to drag the man down, another party of some 20 riders
returning from the same fair, came upon the scene. The Beanes
turned and ran.

With the victim and twenty witnesses, authorities at last had a
handle on who had been murdering an estimated several hundred
people over the preceding 25 years. James VI himself led a force
of 400 men, who almost bypassed the mouth to the cave, but their
dogs insisted on going inside, where their howls announced the
discovery of the Sawney Beane clan, and their human treasure
trove.

The entire family, down to the youngest, were marched off to
Edinburgh, and executed the next day by the traditional method
of the times: the men were dismembered and bled to death, while
the women were tied to three stakes and burned. There was no
trial, their guilt being so evident, and no mercy, because it
was declared that having been raised for that length of time on
murder and eating human flesh, there would be no rehabilitation.

 
 

True Story 3

Pretty in Pink – Dolphins of a Different Colour

There are dolphins that live in the Amazon River that are the
colour pink.
In at least two places in the world, one of the most intelligent
mammals next to man, is not the dull gray/blue of your everyday
dolphin. These delightful, and endangered species are both pink.

In and around Hong Kong harbor, there is a tiny population
numbering just over 100, of Chinese White Dolphins who have had
a ‘dye job’. This species of dolphin, which can be found from
South Africa to Australia in its white form, is only pink in the
Hong Kong location, and is said to be even pinker than their
South American cousins. They live in the estuary salt water of
the Pearl River, fighting off the threats of sewage, chemicals,
and over-fishing, to survive. Rather than a separate or sub-
species of the Chinese White, these dolphins are thought to be
an anomaly of nature.

In Brazil, the Amazon River dolphins are born gray, and turn
pinker with maturity. Unlike their pink Asian relatives, these
are strictly freshwater dolphins, which will rest on the river
bottom, and who come with a set of molars for chewing food, the
only type of dolphin so equipped.

Why are dolphins pink? One theory set forth by scientists, who
have few studies to go on due to the shrinking population, is
that the color comes from consuming crabs and shellfish which
have a red pigment to their muscle tissue. Over time, the
pigment builds up in the skin, and the dolphin becomes pinker as
they grow older.

In addition, dolphins red blood cell count and hemoglobin
concentration in those cells, is higher than that in the human.
Which may be one explanation for the Brazilian dolphin’s unusual
ability to flush a bright pink when excited.

 
Humour.

God created the mule, and told him, ‘You will be a mule, working
constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.
You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50
years.’ The mule answered, ‘To live like this for 50 years is
too much. Please, give me no more than 20.’ And it was so. Then
God created the dog, and told him, ‘You will hold vigilance over
the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest
companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.’

And the dog responded, ‘Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like
that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.’ And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, ‘You are monkey, you
shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be
funny, and you shall live for 20 years.’

And the monkey responded, ‘Lord, to live 20 years as the clown
of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10
years.’ And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him,you
will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of
the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.’

And the man responded, ‘Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too
little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the
the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey
rejected.’ And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years
as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and
carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog,
guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the
pantry.

Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like
an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so.

An Australian , an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They’re staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He’s so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: ‘My God, it’s Jesus!’

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.


After he’s finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: ‘My God! The arthritis I’ve had for 30 years is gone. It’s a miracle!’

Jesus then shakes the Aussie’s hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man’s eyes widen in shock. ‘Strewth mate, the bad back I’ve had all my life is completely gone! It’s A Miracle.’

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, ‘Back off, mate, I’m on disability benefit.’

Unusual object
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.

Good basis for marriage?

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

‘Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,’ the wife explained. ‘He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well and I just act like I’m listening.’
 

Actual advertisement in The New York Post:
For Sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes.  Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer.

No longer needed. Got married last weekend.

Actual Instruction Labels:

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.

ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:

Directions: Use like regular soap.

ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.

ON TESCO”S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS” COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY”S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.


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