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Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Tuesday March 10th 2009

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.

 

Celebrate St Patricks Day in Sarsfields.

Come and celebrate St. Patrick’s Day in Sarsfields. Watch the All-Ireland finals on the big screens. Irish stew served from 1 to 4pm for only €5. Music by Paul Keogh and friends after the finals.  No covercharge.Non members welcome.

 

 

Whitewash.

Kildare 2-16 Wexford 0-8

Johnny Doyle hit 0-10 as Kildare thumped Wexford in Newbridge in Division Two of the Allianz National Football League on Sunday.

Kieran McGeeney's  men were always in charge against last year's All-Ireland semi-finalists, and they raced into a 0-5 to 0-2 lead early on after two points apiece from Doyle and Padraig O'Neill. Wexford were struggling all over the field, but especially at midfield where Eric Bradley and David Fogarty were failing to win possession.

Just before half-time, Alan Smith netted for Kildare having been found by Eamon O'Callaghan after Dermot Earley won the ball in the middle. The half-time score was 1-10 to 0-3 in favour of Kildare, and Doyle had six of the tally by then.

Wexford improved after the restart and points from Shane Cullen, Paddy Colfer and Ciaran Lyng reduced the gap but Kildare kept their lead healthy with another effort from Doyle. A potential game-changing moment came from Daryl Flynn was red-carded for Kildare but Wexford's heads had dropped by this point and they never mustered more than a whimper for the remainder.

In the end, Kildare pulled away by even more. They got their second goal when O'Callaghan fisted in after a punt across the square from Michael Conway, and further efforts from O'Callaghan, O'Neill and the peerless Doyle gave them a well-deserved 14-point win.

 

Aldridge Cup Sarsfields 2-8 Ellistown 1-10

 

By Tony Ryan

 

Having won their previous two games, Sarsfields just about preserved their 100 percent record in the final round of the group stage of the Aldridge Cup against Ellistown in blustery conditions at the Patrician School Sports Ground in Newbridge on Saturday evening last. Dominating the first half, Sarsfields had to withstand a very determined Ellistown second half comeback during which they outscored their Newbridge rivals 8-3. Indeed Ellistown would have won had impressive half forward Andy O’Neill’s shot in injury time which looked goal bound not gone over for a point.

 

Sarsfields started brightly and had their first score after just forty seconds courtesy of a fine Sean Cambell point from a forty metre free. Thereafter Sarsfields took control attacking the Ellistown rearguard in waves. However due to over passing at times that led down cul de sacs it was another ten minutes before Sarsfields registered their second score, a fine point from 35 metres by wing back Keith Harvey who took the direct route from the half back line. Sarsfields began using the ball more economically after instructions from Manager Hugh Kenny and a minute later their  attacks which had previously reaped little  began to pay dividends when Padraig Brennan unselfishly returned a Paddy Cambell pass for Paddy Cambell to score at close range. Two minutes later Sarsfields  scored their second goal when a low shot by David Earley again from close range  gave the Ellistown keeper Shane Leonard no chance. Padraig Brennan made it 2-3 to no score with a fisted effort three minutes later.

It was the 21st minute before Ellistown finally got on the score sheet when they were awarded a penalty after a Sarsfields defender was adjudged to have picked the ball from the ground. The penalty shot rebounded from the upright and Ellistown’s outstanding player and top scorer Murt Donnelly with a personal tally of 1-4, was quickest to react, palming the ball to the net. A minute later Murt Donnelly pointed a free from about 30 metres to leave the score 2-3 to 1-1 in Sarsfields favour. Two excellent Sarsfields points from Sean Cambell and centre back Robbie Confrey confirmed Sarsfields first half dominance before a Ken Johnston point just on the stroke of half time left Ellistown six points adrift at the break, 2-5 to 1-2.

Within two minutes of the restart Murt Donnolly had begun Ellistown’s second half revival with a fine point from 30 metres. Eoin O’sullivan had a point for Sarsfields before Ellistown midfielder Tom O’Loughlin scored to once again to reduce the deficit to five, 2-6 to 1-7. As Ellistown applied the pressure Sarsfields found themselves on the backfoot for the first time in the game. Ellistown kept the pressure up as all six forwards worked tirelessly to further reduce the gap.    

It was this increased work rate of the Ellistown forwards that led to three further points in ten minutes without reply – two from Andy O’Neill who hitherto had been having a quiet game and another from Murt Donnelly which left just two between the sides before Padraig Brennan scored from a free, Sarsfields first score in fifteen minutes.  With just five minutes remaining Ellistown midfielder Enda Noones  soled through from midfield and fired over a point from 25 metre to leave just two between the sides. With three minutes remaining Padraig Brennan steadied the ship for Sarsfields with a point to increase their lead to three once again. Murt Donnelly cancelled out Padraig Brennan’s point before the decisive moment of the game came in injury time as Andy O’Neill found himself bearing down on goal and with the Sarsfields defence behind him, hit a rasper of a shot that looked destined for the top left hand corner but skimmed over the crossbar instead. 

 

 Sarsfields: Patrick O’Sullivan, Ricky Deegan, Joe O’Malley, Steven Lawler, Conor Duffy, Robbie Confrey(0-1) Keith Harvey (0-1) Enda Freeney, Caoimhín McDonnell, John Geraghty, Sean Cambell (0-2) Owen O’Sullivan (0-1) Padraig Brennan (0-3) David Earley (1-0) Paddy Cambell (1-0)

 

Ellistown: Shane Leonard, Colm Donnelly, Christy Kelly, Michael Kelly, Shane Gilligan, Colm Conroy, Mick Donnelly, Tom O’Loughlin (0-1) Enda Noones (0-1) Andy O’Neill (0-3) Ken Johnston (0-1) Gary Kinahan, Brian Wilson, Murt Donnelly(1-4) Paddy McDermott. Referee: Joe Dooley.

 

 

Leinster GAA News
 
Change must start at roots

The GAA promised a new dawn for club players, but the first year has seen more bad planning and delays, writes Dermot Crowe

 
 
JUST over a year ago the GAA director-general Páraic Duffy stepped out of a Special Congress in Croke Park with a message of hope for every club player across every parish. 'Today,' he announced, alluding to several triumphant club-friendly motions, 'we put our clubs first and we showed we are prepared to take a financial hit to put them first. I hope that message gets out.'

For many years, certainly back to the presidency of Joe McDonagh, the GAA has struggled to provide a stable and nourishing diet of championship matches for the great majority of players who never get to don their county colours. Duffy, a former GAC and county board chairman, has turned it into something of a personal crusade.

He can only do so much, however. Poor fixture planning has long been a source of profound disenchantment at grassroots level but the arrival of the senior inter-county football championship qualifiers in 2001 made it an even more pressing concern. The many positive benefits reaped from the qualifiers have also placed enormous strain they have placed on fixtures locally.

More county matches have fuelled more television coverage for the GAA and that has brought mounting revenue and prestige. It is a difficult lifestyle to turn your back on but there has been a price to pay. Entire championships have been held up because of county team interests, with months of inactivity common and frequent changes to schedules. The grassroots have been routinely neglected and nobody appears to be held to account.

Under the new directives agreed at Special Congress, provincial councils started paying closer attention last year and will continue to do so to ensure a better-run series of championships in the various counties within their fold. They now have the power to adjust schedules if they feel it is necessary and all county championship fixtures have to be submitted to the provincial office by March 31 for approval. There will be penalties for stepping out of line although last year these were not applied.

Leinster Council secretary Michael Delaney is aware of the anger that exists among the playing community. 'They are beginning to rebel on the ground, in the form of walking away,' he says, though he admits that this is based on anecdotal evidence rather than scientific research. 'People will tell you we are losing a lot of ground; a lot of good players are leaving because they don't have regular club competition.

'Clubs will have to kick up a fuss themselves, it is not just down to county managers; there are many problems involved. It's not an easy problem to solve but I always think that with a little bit of creative planning you can make things a lot better.'

Provincial councils are monitoring counties' performance on a monthly basis and any county which wishes to deviate from the original fixtures plan must notify their council in advance. Information seminars on fixtures, where counties can pool knowledge, are also part of the drive to improve standards.

Under the Official Guide, penalties for non-compliance include a loss of championship expenses and/or qualifier grants but this is really an enabling rule to allow Central Council to make those decisions as it sees fit. Last year no strict action was taken against those who failed to meet the criteria now expected.

In spite of the best efforts of Duffy, 2008 saw more examples of fixtures planning that fell below the standard being demanded. In Waterford, the senior football final did not finish in time to have a representative in the Munster club competition, the replayed final between The Nire and Ballinacourty being decided on December 14. In recent years, three different Waterford clubs, including the latest champions, The Nire, have contested provincial club finals and looked capable of winning a title.

Waterford secretary John O'Leary and chairman Pat Flynn went for the post of full-time county secretary but neither was successful. Instead, Clashmore's Timmy O'Keeffe nailed the position and will start in the coming week. He had previously been beaten in elections for the secretary's post at county convention. Ensuring Waterford competitions do not run past schedule will be one of his main priorities. Last year was the second time Waterford missed out on the Munster club football series since 2003.

O'Leary doesn't believe that failure to complete the football championship was a factor in him not getting the full-time secretary's job. Or, he says, if it was then he doesn't regard it as a valid reason. 'We weren't sitting around doing nothing. You have to take the amount of dual clubs into account and the fact that many of them were in the latter stages of the championship. As well as that, Waterford hurlers had to play three qualifier rounds and then went on to reach the All-Ireland final. We had to make allowances for that.'

He says the year taught him a few lessons and he had worked with the current chairman Pat Flynn in devising ways of streamlining the competitions so that they fare better at beating deadlines. One of those is to introduce scoring difference to avoid play-offs where teams finish level in qualifying groups. One football club last year, O'Leary notes, won just two matches but ended up playing seven championship games. Another proposal is that the quarter-finals be decided by extra time if necessary, again reducing the load.

'The clubs saw that every possible avenue was explored,' says O'Leary. 'I would say that our club players get more football and hurling championship matches each year than most counties.'

Waterford football manager John Kiely believes the county missed an excellent chance of winning a provincial club double (supplementing the De La Salle feat in hurling), as the football winners were placed on the same side of the draw as the champions of Clare and Tipperary.

Once O'Keeffe takes up his job as full-time secretary in Waterford, only Kerry and Limerick will be working off voluntary staff. By the end of the year, all six Munster counties will have full-time officers. But the provincial secretary Pat Fitzgerald, while he admits it will help, doesn't see that as an automatic solution to the fixtures problem.

'What is needed is a change in mindset in all the counties where clubs come first,' says Fitzgerald. 'This has to come from the clubs themselves. Our officers are monitoring fixtures in each county in the province and we will meet the secretaries in April. We recognise that there are difficulties with dual players and other issues and Waterford recognises that it can't happen again. Disappointed would be the word I would use. It's something we feel very strongly about. The provincial club competition is a prestige event and we want all the counties involved.'

In Wexford, the 2008 county football final between Kilanerin and Gusserane also ran late, with the winners due to play in the opening round of the Leinster championship against Navan O'Mahonys the next day. Kilanerin won and refused to play, citing several injuries.

Club secretary James Furlong said they felt aggrieved that the county board had allowed the championship run over. Already Leinster Council had extended the starting date by a fortnight as half a dozen counties were struggling to make the initial deadline. 'It wasn't the first time it happened,' Furlong remarked. 'In the 1990s Kilanerin were twice nominated to represent Wexford when the competition wasn't finished.'

Counties are no longer given the option of nominating a club. 'It becomes a problem when the county teams are going well,' says Furlong. 'Club games get postponed and it can be very annoying. You have situations where there are 12 or 13 weeks between the first and second rounds of a championship. You are then left playing all your remaining matches in bad weather. It's a balancing act. The counties generate money through television and that's important but the basis for the GAA is the club team.'

One of Wexford's junior champions also failed to beat the provincial deadline, as did teams in Carlow and Wicklow at levels below senior. 'I think it is the worst crime of all,' states Michael Delaney, 'not allowing your champions take part in the provincial competition. There is a culture of calling off games for trivial things and it still going on. We cause a lot of our own problems.'

Wexford's full-time secretary Margaret Doyle said it had been an exceptional year for Wexford with the progress made by the senior football squad. Some allowances were made before the Leinster final by postponing club championship matches and Wexford also had a big challenge dealing with dual demands.

'We are the jewel of the duals,' Doyle said. They will start their championships in May this year instead of June and redouble their efforts, but she could not give a guarantee that last year's failure would not be repeated. Counties can plan their own programme; they cannot predict how their county teams will do.

The issue has been fermenting for some time. At Congress in 2001, there were motions submitted by Down and Monaghan looking to disqualify counties who did not complete their club competitions in time for the provincials. That hardline approach doesn't look likely to be a runner but there is tougher policing already in place and penalties will follow if counties continue to prove slack.

Last June, Clare beat Limerick in the Munster senior hurling semi-final and qualified to play Tipperary. The next night they trained and then the county board received a request that the following weekend's second round of senior hurling championship games be called off to improve the county's prospects of avoiding injury. Clubs are only obliged to grant their best players exclusive access to the county panel for a maximum of 13 days before a senior championship match. But Clare held an emergency meeting of the board and a vote saw the local games called off -- leaving them three clear weeks to the final.

The vote went 38-19 and there was some strong opposition raised, but an address by Clare manager Mike McNamara proved influential according to some of those present. Some clubs opposed to the move were furious that they only had 24 hours' notice to plan for the meeting. A new regulation has since been agreed that in similar circumstances they are given a least a week's warning.

Yet, ultimately, the clubs in Clare voted for the county management request. If they had a problem with fixtures later in the year, they only had themselves to blame.


 

Aldridge Cup.

The seniors have qualified for the Aldridge Cup semi-final where our opponents are Moorefield. The game is in Moorefield on Saturday at 3pm.

 

 

Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming Week.

Saturday March 14th Aldridge Cup Semi- Final. Sarsfields V Moorefield. Moorefields 3pm.

 

 Sunday 15th March 2008

Minor Football League Division 1  11.30AM

Maynooth V Sarsfields                      Tom Gordon

 

Minor Football League Division 4

Sarsfields (2) Bye

 

 

North Board

Under 10 Boys Division 1 Saturday 14th at 3pm

Clane V Sarsfields

 

Bord Na nOg Fixtures

Saturday 14th March 2009  at 4.30PM

Under 16 Football League division 1

Athy V Sarsfields       Dennis lawless

 

Under 16 Football League division 4

Nurney V Sarsfields              Joe Foley

 

Sunday 15th March 2009  at 10.00AM

Under 14 Football A Feile

Sarsfields V Kilcock  Pat O’Connell Pitch 3

 

 

 Tuesday 17th March (St Patrick's Day) at 11am

U16 Football League Div 1

Sarsfields V Kill Pitch 3

 

U21 Football League Div 4

Sarsfields B V Rheban Pitch 2

 

Tuesday 17th March (St Patrick's Day) at 5pm

Minor Football League Division 1

Sarsfields V Balyna   Henry Barrett pitch 3

 

 

 


Kildare’s National League Fixtures for 2009.

With five points from three games Kildare lie in second place behind Monaghan who are Kildare’s opponents this Sunday in Clones. The game is live on TG4 at 2.30

March, 15th, Kildare are away to Monaghan; Sunday March 22nd; Kildare are at home to Armagh; Sunday March 29th, away to Fermanagh; and Sunday, April 12th away to Meath in the final league game.

 More Stupid Quotes.

 

'We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more
information in our heads.'
- Vlade Divac, Basketball player

 

'We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not
occur.'
- Al Gore, former U.S. vice president

 

'You've done a nice job decorating the White House.'
- Pop star Jessica Simpson, upon being introduced to Interior
  Secretary Gale Norton while touring the White House

 

'Outside consultants sought for test of gas chamber.'
- Ad in Arizona Republic

'How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby.'
- Anonymous Manufacturer

'We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather.'
- Arab News report

'Most hotels are already booked solid by people, plus 5,000 journalists.'
- Bangkok Post

'Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, 'Thank God, I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.'
- Barbara Boxer, Senator

You guys line up alphabetically by height.'
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

'Where the hell is Australia anyway?'
- Britney Spears.

'I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.'
- Britney Spears.

'As Deng's health is now failing, many matters have been passed to Wan Li, who despite his age is still alive.'
- company report, China Inc.

'Most lies about blondes are false.'
- Cincinnati Times-Star, headline

 

Strange/Bizzare/Quirkie News.

Tropical Bliss

 

TAIPEI (Reuters)  A 4-year-old boy has won the use of an
uninhabited tropical island, with white sand beaches and clear
turquoise waters, in a Taiwan lottery aimed at boosting spending
during an economic downturn.

Officials said Yeh Chien-wei, who won the prize at Thursday's
draw, will get exclusive rights to the tiny plot in the Taiwan
Strait from May through September.

 

Zoo Investigates Virgin Shark Birth

Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, Nebraska is investigating the
mysterious birth of a shark to a virgin mother shark.  Three
female sharks live in a tank at the zoo and neither have
ever been close to a male bonnethead shark since they arrived as
pups.  DNA test are being completed to find out which one of the
sharks is the mother and possibly an answer to who the father
is.

Cambodian Court Frees Cannibals

Two men who were on trial for eating human body parts, washed
down with a bottle of wine, were released because there was no
law against cannibalism, a Cambodian court ruled.  Both men who
worked in a crematorium were arrested for eating the fingers and
toes of a body that was to be cremated.  Villagers had tipped
off police for fear that if there were no more bodies to
cremate, the two men might kill their children to eat.

Man Killed by Tiger

A tiger killed one man and mauled another at the Calcutta zoo
 when they tried to put a marigold garland around its
neck in a New Year's greeting.

Prakesh Tiwari, the dead man, and Suresh Rai had been drinking
before they bought the floral garlands and crossed the moat
around the tiger's enclosure, authorities said. 'I was shocked

to see the two young men weaving about in front of a tiger with
garlands in their hands, ' said Rakesh Banerjee, who witnessed
the attack that triggered panic and a near stampede in the zoo.
The men, both in their 20's, were trying to put the garland on a
13-year old male Royal Bengal tiger named 'Shiva' after the
Hindu god of destruction. When Rai threw the garland around
Shiva's neck, the tiger attacked him His friend Tiwari
intervened, kicking the tiger in the face. The tiger released
Rai, and attacked and killed Tiwari.

'I saw it all; the tiger turned and jumped on the other young
man and put its head on the man's neck, and within moments, the
man was apparently dead, his head dangling,' Banerjee said.
The two were reportedly devotees of the goddess Durga and had
gone to 'worship' the tiger. Immediately after the incident, an
angry crowd went on a stone-pelting spree in which two children
and a woman were injured.


Famous Sayings - Quotes from Famous Old Sages

Here is a list of my favourite sayings.  I truly believe that amongst these famous sayings there is a sage piece of inspiration for every occasion.
 
What surprises me is the timelessness of the authors advice.  For Example:

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

 

 



Those who do not learn the lessons of history are bound to repeat them
Santyana

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
Chinese proverb

I cannot teach anybody anything, I can only make them think.
Socrates (470-399 B.C.) �

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.
Confucius

All things are difficult before they are easy
Thomas Fuller

Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous mind
Samuel Johnson

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

I am still learning.
Michelangelo �

Believe one who has proved it. Believe an expert.
Virgil, Aeneid

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese proverb

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The more we do, the more we can do
William Hazlett

Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult
Seneca

Pay no attention to what the critics say;�no statue has ever been erected to a critic
Jean Sibelius�

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Rene Descartes

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Will Durant

Readers are plentiful, thinkers are rare.
Harriet Martineau

You cannot create experience. You must undergo it.
Albert Camus �

Do not wait for the day of judgement, it takes place every day
Albert Camus

All men desire knowledge
Aristotle

Education is the best provision for old age
Aristotle

Well begun is half done.
Aristotle

For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them
Aristotle

Sports Quirkies.

Fans buy football club

A football club is to become the first to be run by a fans' website.

More than 20,000 people paid £35 on myfootballclub.co.uk to buy non-league Ebbsfleet United. Members will vote on transfers and club decisions and pick the team, reports The Sun.

Ebbsfleet's board agreed to sell a 51% stake in the club for £700,000.

The club, formerly Gravesend and Northfleet, plays in front of average crowds of 1,100 at their Kent ground in the Blue Square Premier League, a division below the Football League.

Club boss Liam Daish said: 'The idea is fantastic. We'll pick the team and formation together. But what goes on at the training ground and in the dressing room is down to me.'

Myfootballclub launched in April, promising members the chance to buy a football club.

But Birmingham City co-owner David Sullivan warned: 'It could be an utter disaster.'

Becks gets a 'knock like a bear kiss'

British football fans following David Beckham's new side LA Galaxy on TV are being baffled by US commentators

Jargon on David Beckham's Soccer USA on Five includes lines like: 'Beckham gets a knock like a bear kiss on the doorstep but bulldogs his man before uncorking it.'

Tim Lovejoy, who presents the show, told The Sun: 'We have come across loads of random terminology we have never heard anywhere before in football.

'Instantly we knew we'd found commentary gold - the problem was we had no idea what most of the commentators were saying.'

But, intensive research, had led to a modicum understanding of the phrases being used to describe the beautiful game, which the Americans insist on calling 'soccer'.

In the example above, a 'knock like a bear kiss' is a tackle that looks worse than it is; 'on the doorstep' means in front of goal; 'bulldogging' is showing determination to win back the ball; and 'uncorking it' is to unleash a powerful shot.

 

Brazilian lineswoman strips off

A controversial Brazilian lineswoman has attracted further criticism for opting to raise her profile by stripping off for a steamy photoshoot with Playboy magazine.

Ana Paula Oliveira, 29, rose to prominence in Brazil in May when she wrongly disallowed a goal during a Copa Brasil match and was given a three-game suspension by the footballing authorities.

Oliveira has not been picked for any top-level games since and referee's chief Edson Rezende admits her decision to take the Playboy deal could be bad for her football career, reports Metro.

'If she took that decision, it's because she must have other career thoughts,' his spokesman claimed.

Oliveira, who has previously campaigned for women's rights, will appear in the July addition of Playboy after revealing her mother urged her to go ahead with the photoshoot.

However, fellow lineswoman Aline Lambert is less convinced, claiming posing naked is 'incompatible with the profession'.

But all the negative press is unlikely to make an impression on Oliveria, who is reportedly set to make £125,000 from the deal.

 

True Story.<, /o:p>

You Don't Need to Shout!

The male howler monkey of Central and South America is the
noisiest land animal, which can be heard clearly from a distance
of ten miles away.

 
Primates' hearing is pretty much as good as man's. So you have
to wonder why, and how, the Howler Monkey of South America,
developed the bellow that can travel up to eight miles.

Males in a group will give long calls, often at sunrise, in
order to communicate with neighboring groups, or an individual
in that group. The normal call is amplified by the hyoid bone,
which creates a resonance as they 'howl'. The calling allows
them to establish the location, composition, and distance away
of another group of howlers.

This is relatively important in the pecking order of things,
because each group is dominated by a single male. Other male
offspring of his mates are thrown out of the clan at sexual
maturity, which for males is generally around seven years of
age. The outcast males must then fight their way into a new
group. Generally when this happens, and a male defeats the
reigning monkey king, he will kill all the infants in the group,
so subsequent offspring are all his.

This natural re-arrangement of the social structure in the
primate world, is more responsible for the infant mortality rate
of the Howler Monkey than environmental factors. The species is
not currently on the endangered list, although numbers appear to
be dropping with the encroachment of man on their rainforest
habitats.


 
True Story 2.

The Great Wall stretches for about 4,500 miles across North China

It is considered one of the Wonders of the Medieval World, but not one of the classical list of Seven Wonders compiled by the Greeks for the Ancient World, because they were unaware of its existence. 'It', is the Great Wall of China, which in reality is not a single wall, nor even of a single dynasty.

The various sections of the Great Wall, were all built with one purpose in mind - keeping out invaders. Historically, the first section is reported to have gone up in 208B.C. in the Qin Dynasty, to protect a group of territories. It was made of packed earth, with watchtowers at intermittent spaces. But this section is not actually part of the Wall we see today, and in fact, has deteriorated to not much more than a long mound with one end at the east, on the edge of North Korea.

A major portion of the structure was built in stages and sections by various rulers during the Han and Sui Dynasties, as well as the Ten Kingdom period, all of which covered the first 1200 years A.D. These were constructed in the same way as the Qin portion, with packed earth creating walls that held watchtowers meant more as a warning system, than the defense of any primary city or settlement.

What we know as the Great Wall today, was built almost entirely in the Ming Dynasty which lasted from 1368-1640A.D. The prime period of construction was 1560-1640, when techniques employed included using stones for the sides and top to reinforce the Wall's defensive properties.

When all was said and done, there existed a snake-like structure that curved and climbed and slid down mountains, for a length of over 4,100 miles.

 

True Story 3

New York, New York, At The Core Of A Linguistic Debate

Places, people, even animals end up with nicknames derived from things associated with them, or just from the whimsy of one person whose sense of humor appealed to others. Not so when it comes to the largest piece of fruit in America, the Big Apple that is New York City.

The term came into common usage in the 1930s, when touring jazz musicians referred to their destination town or city as an apple, hence the biggest place of all to play, was the Big Apple of New York. But the expression was first recorded more than 20 years before that, and arose from a much more prosaic reference.

Edward S. Martin, an editor at Harper's, notes in a book called 'The Wayfarer', a description of how people in the Midwest saw the country as a tree whose trunk ran down the Mississippi, and whose branches spread from coast to coast. Its fruit was the great cities of the nation, with the big apple that was New York, getting more than its fair share of the sap.

The city of New York itself, chose yet another explanation that originates with John F. Fitzgerald, a racing columnist with the New York Morning Telegraph in 1924. At the head of his column was an apple with the skyline of New York drawn on it. Fitzgerald admitted to having first heard the expression in the stables of New York's racetracks.

 

 

Humour


Lawyers are often the butt of jokes throughout the world. Here are some examples, taken from stenographer's transcripts of real court cases.

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Fowler
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Fowler). Derek, for goodness sake, tell them your first name.

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn’t offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: What is your name?
A: Geraldine McNally
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.


Q: Mrs. Warren, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your solicitor?
A: No. This is how I always dress when I go to work.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Now, Mrs Brown, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months
November 8th.

Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was
August 8th
?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.
Q: I understand you're Donald Rowbotham�s mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

 

Hot Air

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He
reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts: 'Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?'

The man below says: 'Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering
30 feet above this field.'

You must be an engineer' says the balloonist.

'I am' replies the man. 'How did you know.'

'Well,' says the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is
technically correct, but it's no use to anyone.'

The man below says 'you must be in management.'

'I am' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' says the man, 'you don't know where you are, or where
you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in
the same position you were before we met, but now it's my
fault.'

 

Overheard In Dublin

 

Recession

On Bachelor's walk in Town, overheard this:

Homeless man: 'gizza bit of change der pal, cud ya please?'

Man: 'sorry, im broke myself'

Homeless man: 'yeh.. f**k off ya bleedin shitebag yeh'

Man: 'What?! feel sorry for you?' ..*pauses*.. 'Im about ten f**king euro away from being you!'

 

Young mother

Was sitting on the top deck of the 46a and 2 young lads in front of me, one of them reading the paper.
Turns around to his friend and says ' Jaysus look at this.Mother of 9 to be sentenced tomorrow for shoplifting'

His friend turned to him and said ' Bleedin hell...thats very young to be a mother!!'

 

Old versus Young

 inside the gates of a nursing home was a group of elderly gentlemen getting some fresh air Across the road are a group of be-hoodied young fellas (maybe 14/15 years of age), Eurospar bag filled with beer cans, laughing, messing and drinking.

Suddenly one of the bigger, stockier old men erupts from the bench, waving a cane as he hobbles towards them. 'Come here!' he shouts but the young lads remain in place. As he limps closer, beckoning the lads again, they start to look a little more nervous, cane only metres now from them, so they start edging away. All that is, except one, who puffs out his chest and screams:

'Wha da f**k is yer problem? Get back in the home there before ya fall!'

The old lad looks at him and screams 'Are ye feckin' deaf ... I've been callin' ye over!'

The lads edging away start laughing: 'ere micko he must be a paedo watch yerself'

The old lad waves the cane and scowls: 'Don't be saying that ye little bollix, I only wanted to buy a can off ye'.

 

Emergency stop

Coming home on the last bus from Bray to Greystones on a dark wintry night. A man standing at a spot which is not a recognised bus stop stretches out his hand to stop the bus. Surprisingly enough the driver pulls in to pick up the passenger. I suppose he felt sorry for the man standing there in the drizzle with an unlit cigarette in one hand, swaying a bit. But instead of getting on the bus he gestures unsteadily with the cigarette and says 'Got a light?'

 

Viagra Spinoffs

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented toward improving the performance of men in today's society.

Here's a list of what's on the drawing board:

DIRECTRA: A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop to ask directions when they got lost, compared to 0.2 percent of a control group.

PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA: Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and 'little accidents.'

COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men who were given this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. It is currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA: Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweethearts expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: Whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return period.

NEGA-VIAGRA: Has the opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. Presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA: This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

Texas Salesman

A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The prospective employee says, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.' The boss liked the young man so he gave him the job.

'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.' His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

'How many sales did you make today?'

employee says, 'One.'

Boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

Employee says '$201,237.64.'

Boss says '201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?'

Employee says, 'First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade.'

The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?'

Employee  says, 'No, he came in here to buy a  box of headache tablets for his wife and I said, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'

 



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