THE SASH Tuesday 27th January 2009
The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.
Juvenile Committee Meeting.
There will be a juvenile committee meeting taking place on Thursday 29th at 8.30pm
in the committee room in sarsfields and will be finished by 9.45 latest. With the Féile coming up in July there will be a meeting once a month.
The agenda is as follows:
1. Team updates
2. Registration
3. Board nOg fixtures/news
4. North board fixtures/news
5. ladies fixtures/news
6. Feile update
7. Incorporating ladies section with Juvenile section
8. Fund raising/Loto
9. Equipment
10. A.O.B
Underage disco this Friday from 7-10pm for 4th, 5th and 6th classes supervisors required to help out on the night. Anybody who is able to help out please contact Lisa on 085-7382043.
The club would like to wish our new sponsor of the senior teams Tony Donohue a speedy recovery from his accident while away on holidays.
Many sectors of the GAA have lost the run of themselves as regards money and it might take the present recession to restore financial sanity. Some county boards and clubs have been getting involved in financial dealings and transactions that are far removed from the ideals of GAA founders.
We all know about some county managers being illegally paid from €30,000 to €75,000 a year. We know too about some star players getting large appearance fees to attend even GAA functions, although many players do attend such functions for nothing. The country is awash with well-paid, full-time coaches in every county and third-level institution in the country and we are now installing full-time, paid county secretaries. And probably the biggest expense in the GAA is the illegal payment of club coaches, which runs into millions every year.
All this was fine and dandy for the past 10 years as the Irish economy thrived on unprecedented levels of opulence in every parish in the land, almost. The weekly GAA club lotto brought in something like €30m every year among the 3,000 or so clubs. And then to cap it all, several county boards decided to become property developers. Not content with the prosperous state in which the GAA had already found itself in the early parts of this century, and possibly blinded by the great success of the Croke Park development, it was decided the time was ripe to cash in on many of the famous GAA county grounds, a lot of which were situated in prime locations in many towns.
So we heard stories about huge financial deals being proposed for Austin Stack Park in Tralee, Cusack Park in Ennis, Mullingar‘s Cusack Park and St Conleth’s Park, Newbridge, among others. Developers were the catalysts for activity with incredible figures, as high as €50m in places, being offered to the county boards if they would move out of town to new state-of-the-art stadia with mod cons like all-weather pitches, covered stands, floodlighting and whatever the latest new-fangled idea that might arrive should be.
Many ordinary GAA people were aghast at these proposals, mainly on the grounds of tradition. Every GAA ground has its own place in the fan’s memory and many were unhappy to see long-standing venues being knocked down and covered over with shopping centres and housing estates.
But there were many other GAA people who had more serious worries than sentiment. They feared the trend of county boards getting involved in huge money deals and wondered if amateur GAA officials had the ability to carry through these financial machinations and, secondly, if the general public would go along.
GAA county boards have not been noticeable over the years for being led by top-class business people, or members with expertise in the world of finance. ‘Let the shoemaker stick to his last’ was the overriding sentiment. We now know that things have not worked out as smoothly as the GAA bosses thought five years ago. So far, none of the proposals have seen the light of day, with planning laws being a huge impediment, but from now on it will be the absence of finance that will decide.
The most recent example of that was the Portlaoise club’s plans for a fabulous new facility, which was to be funded by the sale of their present ground just behind O’Moore Park. Planning brought that to a halt but not before the club had already committed to very substantial expenditure on the assumption of getting planning. The club is now in an extremely difficult position exacerbated, of course, by the the virtual collapse of the construction industry.
Many of the proposed transactions involving county grounds are sure to be postponed, at the very least, because most developers have no money now. So, what appeared to be a stampede to sell off town-centre GAA stadiums may well have been trampled at birth.
The grandiose plans for many of the traditional GAA grounds will stay on the drawing boards for quite a while yet and not many GAA people will be heartbroken because of that.
The whole question of GAA units, from small clubs to county boards and up to Croke Park, getting involved in massive expenditure on physical developments like stadia, floodlights, covered stands, etc, deserves a lot more analysis than it has got so far. Several major grounds around Ireland expensively equipped in the past 20 years are hardly ever filled or even half-filled. Fitzgerald Stadium, Killarney, might be filled once every two years.
Portlaoise has never been packed-out, to my knowledge. Neither has Casement Park, Kingspan Breffni Park nor the Gaelic Grounds. So, were the millions spent on these and other grounds really the best way of investing the GAA’s money?
After all, of the larger GAA grounds on which money has been spent, only a handful can take crowds of around 50,000, and no less than three of these are in Munster — Thurles, Limerick and Cork. There has been none in Connacht up to now, none in Leinster bar Croke Park and none in Ulster. What sort of national planning is that?
The recession may turn out to a blessing in disguise for the GAA if it helps officials to stick with the games a bit more and forget playing at being developers. There are clear signs of financial cutbacks throughout the GAA for 2009, such as Wexford Creamery recently dropping their sponsorship of the Wexford teams, a deal which had been running for nearly 20 years.
Maybe the depression arrived just in time.
emcgee@independent.ie
Kildare’s National League Fixtures for 2009.
Kildare kick off their Division 2, 2009 League campaign on Sunday next February 1st, away to Laois at 2-30pm On Sunday, Feb 15th, Kildare are host to Cork; Sunday, March 8th, Leinster finalists Wexford will be in St. Conleth’s Park; March, 15th, Kildare are away to Monaghan; Sunday March 22nd, Kildare are at home to Armagh; Sunday March 29th, away to Fermanagh; and Sunday, April 12th away to Meath in the final league game. For those supporters planning the annual away trip the game against Fermanagh looks like the likely one.
Sarsfields Fundraising Draw.
Tickets are still available for the club’s fundraising draw priced at €60 or two for €100. The draw will take place in the Clubhouse on Saturday January31st. 1st prize is a Fiat Punto, 2nd prize a €3,500 Holiday Voucher, 3rd prize a 46” Flatscreen TV and 4th prize of €1000 cash..
More Stupid Quotes.
‘Let’s get one thing straight. Crack is cheap. I make too much
money to ever smoke crack. Let’s get THAT straight. Crack is
whack.’
– Singer Whitney Houston
‘I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan, simply because I don’t
like eating fish. And I know it’s very popular out there in
Africa.’
– Britney Spears
I think war is a dangerous place.
George W Bush
I’m the commander – see, I don’t need to explain – I do not need to explain why I say things. That’s the interesting thing about being President. Ex president idiot George Bush
If you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing
– a very important notice
I’m the idiot around here, and I’m not going to let some half-wit take my place!
Unknown
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
– Unknown
Interviewer: And what would you say to these people who were responsible for the Columbine shootings?
Marilyn Manson: I wouldn’t have said a thing. I would have listened to what they have to say, because that’s what nobody did.
– Marilyn Manson.
‘I’m honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein.’
George W. Bush, May 25, 2004
There are too many stupid people in the world. I’m not saying we should kill them all or anything. Just take the warning labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself.
– Unknown
Strange/Bizzare/Quirkie News.
World’s Dumbest
1The manager of an apartment house was surprised to find the legs
of a corpse sticking out an apartment window. Police entered the
apartment and found the deceased man’s head soaking in a sink
full of hot water.
Apparently the out-of-work Austrian had returned home after a
night of drinking and drugs. He decided to slip in through the
kitchen window. The window was fixed at the base and tilted out,
giving him just enough room to squeeze his head through as far
as the sink before he got stuck. While flailing around trying to
escape, he turned on the hot water tap.
Police were not sure why he had not turned off the water, pulled
the plug, or–perhaps most important–entered through the front
door, since they found the keys in his pants pocket.
2After surfing at Crystal Beach in Texas, a man decided that he
was going to catch 40 winks somewhere dark. Well that dark place
just happened to be underneath his truck, which was parked close
to the shoreline on the beach. Hours passed and a tow truck
driver saw the stranded truck on the sand and decided to tow it,
he had only moved the truck a short distance before noticing a
human imprint in the sand. In the human imprint lay the dead
man’s body. What happened was, as he was napping, the tide
rolled back in and the wet sand built up underneath the truck
making it impossible to get out from under it. Where he loved to
be became his final resting place, the beach.
3 A 63 year old man was having a bit of a mole problem at this
holiday home on the Baltic Sea. He was so frustrated with this
issue he decided to pound several metal rods into the ground
around his house and connect them to a high voltage source of
energy. He did this to make the ground uninhabitable for the
moles, but by doing this he electrified the ground he was
standing on. Eventually he was found dead on his own property
from electrocution. The police had to trip the circuit just to
get to him.
Sports Quirkies.
A parrot has caused chaos at a football match.
The parrot, Me-Tu was accompanying owner Irene Kerrigan to a game between Hertfordshire Rangers and Hatfield Town.
Ref Gary Bailey, 45, told the Daily Mirror: ‘I’ve never known anything like it. This woman was standing right by the touchline and suddenly unveiled this big green parrot.
‘Every time I blew my whistle the bird made exactly the same sound.
‘The players all stopped so I had to ask her to move the parrot.’
He added: ‘I’ve never sent off a parrot before.’
Apart from his whistling, Me-Tu also shouted ‘pretty boy’ at the players from his cage on the sidelines.
She said: ‘He loves his football and I’ll take him back down there.’
Hatfield Town beat her team 5-2.
|
One-armed golfer’s hole-in-one |
A West Midlands golfer scored a hole in one – despite having only one arm.
Phil Bell, 45, used his ‘backhand swipe’ for the 184 yards, par three fourth hole, reports The Sun.
The dad of two, who lost his right arm seven years ago when his lorry crashed, said: ‘I knew I’d hit the ball well.
‘But at the green I couldn’t see it and assumed I’d over hit it. Then one of the chaps went white with shock and said, ‘Look in the hole’.’
Playing pals verified the shot at Warley Woods near his home in Oldbury.
|
Britain’s strongest pensioner, 75 |
A great-grandad has been named Britain’s strongest pensioner – at the age of 75.
Ged Mullane, from Oldham in Lancashire, has beaten competitors up to 15 years his junior to become British Bench Press Champion in the over 60s category.
Ged will now represent Britain in the European Championships in the Czech Republic on 23 October – where he’s hoping to win by bench pressing 16-and-a-half stone.
He told the Oldham Advertiser: ‘I’ve got 15 years on some of the other competitors, but I’m really looking forward to it all the same.’
The father-of-four is certainly no stranger to hard training. In his younger days, the former electrician was a member of the Salford Harriers athletics team.
As part of his keep-fit regime, Ged would run a total of twelve miles to work and back every day – completing the journey quicker than if he took the bus.
‘I used to have ten training sessions every week and would sometimes take detours to make up some more miles,’ he said. ‘especially if I was training for a race.’
True Story.
An Out-Of-This World Drive
There are three golf balls sitting on the moon.
Once upon a time, astronauts managed to sneak some pretty neat
stuff aboard their space capsules for trips to the moon, and
just orbiting the Earth. On one occasion, the oddities included
a corned beef sandwich from the local eatery where launch staff
often had lunch. Even in the initial stages of the space program
though, flight crew were forbidden to sell the things they took
with them, because of the ‘oddity’ value that going into space
added to them.
Today, NASA hands out a nine-page ‘do not’ list to potential
astronauts which strictly defines what they can take in their
PPK (personal preference kit), which must not weigh more than
1.5 pounds. Back in 1971 though, things were not quite so
hidebound. And besides, the duffer of the flight crew
had already gotten approval for the first golf game on the moon.
His only problem was where to store a golf club on the Apollo
XIV capsule. Unable to solve the dilemma, he cut the head off a
six iron and carried that in his pocket. When the initial hard
chores had been done on the moon’s surface, Alan Shephard
fastened the golf club head to the bottom of a tool used for
gathering soil samples.
He then reached into his space suit for a golf ball. What he
wanted to do, was a simple demonstration that youngsters would
understand, to show what it meant to be in an atmosphere with
one-sixth the gravity of Earth. He naively figured that he was
going to be able to drive the golf ball six times the normal
distance of an Earth game. But his first shot bit right into the
dirt in front of him. A second swing got him a slice shot of two
or three feet. Shephard dropped a second ball, and maneuvering
in the bulky space suit, hit a shot that he enthusiastically
reported as having sailed ‘miles and miles’.
He later admitted that it was really about 200-400 yards. But
just in case anyone else wants a shot, he left the balls behind
on the moon.
True Story 2.
Wood frogs can be frozen solid and then thawed, and continue
living. They use the glucose in their body to protect their
vital organs while they are in a frozen state.
Pardon Me, Is That Ice Cube, Hopping?
It’s an environmental skill that was likely acquired when the
last Ice Age swept over the Earth, and one that millions of
years later, may provide the answer to extending the window of
opportunity for human organ transplants.
It’s the wood frog’s ability to turn into a froggy ice cube,
then thaw itself out, and hop away, happily ever after. For this
common frog, along with a few other of the species, displays an
unusual trait called freeze tolerance. That means that instead
of burying into the substrate of ponds and reducing body
functions to a minimum in winter, they freeze where they have
burrowed, and their hearts and brains cease to function.
The ability is not limitless, however. It would appear that
temperatures below 20F will kill the frogs. But you’d have to
wait till Spring, to find out if they were dead. The gradual
process takes place when up to two-thirds of their body water,
freezes, while the rest remains liquid. Natural glucose in their
bodies protects their organs and tissues from the drying out
that would normally take place, allowing them to tolerate
prolonged periods of intense cold. Insulation from the ground of
their burrow, and snow above, helps to keep the frog’s body from
freezing completely solid.
When weather warms up, so do the frogs. But they do it from the
inside out. Using MRI technology, scientists have observed the
frogs as they ‘wake’ up, and have observed that the heart and
brain thaw first, and begin to beat as the rest of the body
warms up. Then off they go.
Why this peculiar trait? Current theory says that because they
breed in early Spring, when frogs in the bottom of the pond have
still not managed to emerge from hibernation, the wood frog must
literally get a ‘jump’ start by returning to full functions so
they can continue their species.
True Story 3
A Whale of a Mammal
The blue whale is the loudest animal on the earth. Its whistle
can reach up to 188 decibels.
They are the biggest living creature you’ll ever see live, on
this Earth. Blue whales grow to an average 80′ in length, and
weigh up to 120 tons. Females are larger than males, which is
not the norm for many species. In fact, the largest specimen
ever found, was a female that was 94′ long and weighed over 174
tons.
In a really big specimen, weighing in at 150 tons, the heart
alone would weigh 1,000 lbs. It is so large, that a human could
crawl through the aorta, the major blood vessel supplying the
heart. But you’d have to be quick. The blue whale’s heart beats
only 5-6 times per minute, but it’s pumping 14,000 lbs. of blood
through its body.
The blue whale is a majestic creature to see, with blue-gray
skin, that has white mottling. The two blow holes supply it with
air, and the 50-70 throat grooves expand to let the whale take
in more water, as it feeds.
In the gigantic mouth, are hundreds of pairs of baleen plates, a
bony structure that is hung with what appear to be hair. The
baleen filters out plankton during the summer feeding season
(approximately four months), taking in an average of 2,000-9,000
lbs. of it a day.
For their size, the blue whale is relatively fast, achieving
speeds of 20mph on average, with bursts of 30mph when threatened
or pursuing food. They are also the loudest creatures on Earth,
with a call that measures 188 decibels, compared to a jet
engine’s 140 decibel’s and human shouting at a puny 70 decibels.
Their sounds can be heard for miles underwater, and is used to
communicate and locate food sources.
Top 50 Oxymoron’s
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. ‘Now, then …’
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works
Business Premises Puns
There’s a mobile snack caravan on Dartmoor named :
‘The Hound of the Basket Meals’.
There is a bakery in Sutton London called ‘Agatha Crustie’.
In Turnham Green, Chiswick, London we find a dry cleaner called ‘Turn ’em Clean’.
‘A Pane in the Glass’ is the name of a glazier’s in New York State, USA.
In Croydon there is a shop named ‘The Vinyl Frontier’; a shop which sells second hand records;
A restaurant in Belfast called ‘Thai Tanic’.
Teddy bear shop in Penge called ‘Bearly Trading’.
Fish and chip shop in Santa Ponsa, Mallorca named ‘Oh My Cod’.
Will has found a bakery in Albert Road, Southsea called ‘Upper Crustie’.
Guy has savoured the hake and chips at a shop called: ‘A Fish called Rhondda’. We were on our way to Caerphilly and found the chippy in Ton Pentre, South Wales.
Would you believe a driving school in the Merseyside area called ‘L Passo’.
Fruit, vegetable and flower shop in Aylsham and Reepham, Norfolk goes by the name of ‘Meloncaulie Rose’.
Barbers shop named ‘Herr Kutz’.
Knockin, in Shropshire has to have a ‘Knockin Shop’ naturally. What it sells is not given.
There is, apparently, a mobile snack bat in Cornwall, UK which goes by the name of, ‘The Star Chip Enterprise.’
There was an Indian restaurant in Radford, Nottingham, UK which went under the name of ‘ Balti Towers’.
On a butcher’s van on Dartmoor – ‘Tor to Tor Delivery.’
A hire van company in Kent called ‘Van Goug
There is in Dulmen, Germany, there is a flower shop named ‘Blumen Ecke’.
Between Tenby and Pembroke can be found a specialist horticultural nursery boasting a sign reading:
‘Your fuchsia is in our hands.’
In Havant, Hants, UK a greetings card shop can be found that goes by the name of ‘Havant Forgotten’.
There is a whole-food shop in Argyll called ‘Oban Sesame’.
Drop your pants here, and you will receive prompt attention. Sign on a laundrette.
Brain Exercise
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your mind and . . . begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is bread. If you said, ‘toast,” then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, ‘bread,” go to question 2.
2. Say ‘silk’ five times. Now spell ‘silk.” What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said, ‘milk,” please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as ‘Children’s World.” If you said, ‘water’ then proceed to question three.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said ‘green bricks,” what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said ‘glass,” then go on to question four.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of ‘no man’s land’ between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors – East Germany or West Germany or in ‘no man’s land’?
Answer: You do not, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, ‘Don’t bury the survivors’ then proceed to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said ‘360 degrees’ or anything other than ‘one degree,” you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from Dublin to Cork In Dublin, 17 people get on the bus. In Newbridge, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Thurles two people get off and four get on. In Nenagh, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Adare, three people get off and five people get on. In Mitchlestown, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive in Cork. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for goodness sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!
Humour
1) Return Ticket
Paddy was a country boy, he had never been to Dublin. One day he decided to walk into Wexford and catch the bus to Dublin. Duly the bus arrived and Paddy asked the conductor for a return ticket. ‘A return to where?’ asked the conductor’. ‘Why back here of course’ said Paddy.
2) How many Ducks?
On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was carrying a bag on his back
‘What’s in the bag?’ asked Paddy
‘I ‘m not going to tell,’ replied Murphy
‘Go on, do.’ pleaded Paddy�.
‘Ah, all right then, it’s ducks.’ announced Murphy
‘If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?’ enquired Paddy
‘Look,’ said Murphy, ‘If you guess the correct number, I’ll give you both of them.’.
‘Five!’ said Paddy triumphantly .
1) The definition of Cricket as explained to an American:
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out.
When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.
When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.
2) Cricket tale:
The opening England batsmen in a one day match against Australia were
Marcus Trescothick and a new batsman yet to have appeared on the world stage: his name was Slugger Hammond.
Brett Lee, the pace bowler, opened the bowling for Australia. The
first ball went fizzing past the off-stump: ‘wooooooooph’, and was collected by the wicketkeeper, Adam Gilchrist.
Slugger Hammond did not as much as budge from his place. Lee bowled his second, third and fourth balls: ‘woooooooph. wooooooooophwooooooooph’.
Slugger stood stock still just like a statue.
The umpire declared the fifth delivery, No ball.
Like a true professional Slugger Hammond went down the pitch tapping away at the ground until he reached Trescothick and said, ‘ I knew from the very beginning the fellow did not have a ball in his hand.’
3) Cricket tale:
Michael Vaughan and Andrew [Freddie] Flintoff, now elderly, 85 and 82 years old, are sitting on a park bench outside Lord’s cricket ground feeding pigeons and talking about cricket, past Ashes series, and tours like they do every day.
Michael turns to Freddie and asks, ‘Do you think there’s cricket in heaven?’
Flintoff thinks about it for a minute and replies, ‘I dunno. But let’s make an agreement: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s cricket in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.’They shake hands on it. Sadly, a few months later, poor Freddie passes on.
One day soon afterward, Vaughany is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, ‘Michael,.Michael’
Vaughan responds, ‘Freddie, is that you?’
‘Yes it is, Michael,’ whispers Freddie’s ghost.
Vaughany, still amazed, enquires, ‘So, is there cricket in heaven?’
‘Well, says Freddie, ‘I’ve got good news and bad news.’
‘Gimme the good news first, says Vaughany.
Freddie opines, ‘Well… there is cricket in heaven.’
Vaughan says, ‘That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?’
Freddie sighs and whispers, ‘You are going to open the innings this Friday.’
Bush Fan
There’s a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are ‘Bush Fans’.
Not really knowing what a ‘Bush Fan’ is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the children raise their hands except one boy, Johnny.
The teacher asks Johhny why he has decided to be different.
Johnny says ‘I’m not a Bush Fan.’
The teacher says, ‘Why aren’t you a Bush Fan?’
Johnny says ‘I’m a Kerry fan.’
The teacher then asks why he’s a Kerry Fan. The boy replies, ‘well my mum’s a Kerry, fan and my dad is a Kerry fan…so i’m a Kerry fan.’
The teacher is irritated by this, so she says ‘What if your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot? What would that make you?’
Johnny says ‘That would make me a Bush Fan!’
Golfing partners
Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
WIFE: ‘What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: ‘Definitely not!’
WIFE: ‘Why not? Don’t you like being married?’
HUSBAND: ‘Of course I do.’
WIFE: ‘Then why wouldn’t you remarry?’
HUSBAND: ‘Okay, okay, I’d get married again.’
WIFE: ‘You would?’ (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: ‘Would you live in our house?’
HUSBAND: ‘Sure, it’s a great house.’
WIFE: ‘Would you sleep with her in our bed?’
HUSBAND: ‘Where else would we sleep?’
WIFE: ‘Would you let her drive my car?’
HUSBAND: ‘Probably, it is almost new.’
WIFE: ‘Would you replace my pictures with hers?’
HUSBAND: ‘That would seem like the proper thing to do’
WIFE: ‘Would you give her my jewellery?’
HUSBAND: ‘No, I’m sure she’d want her own.’
WIFE: ‘Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: ‘Yes, those are always good times.’
WIFE: ‘Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: ‘No, she’s left-handed.’
WIFE: — silence —
HUSBAND: ‘SH*T.’
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