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Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Tuesday 20th January 2009

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.

 

Leinster GAA News
Have you ever seen worse?

 
By Joe Brolly

Remember Roy Walker? ‘Say what you see, if you see it, say it’? Remember
the cringe worthy rehearsed chats with the members of the public on his
Game show? ‘John, you’ve got a funny story. Tell us what happened on your

honeymoon night when you locked your keys in the car…’

– ‘Well, Roy, what happened was, on my honeymoon night… I locked my
keys in the car…. and the police had to come and open it the next
morning.’ Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha, Roy would chortle.

Pat Kenny managed to create the same sort of atmosphere on the Late Late
last Friday
night. Pat is obviously a lot more at home with his
neighbours in the High Court in Dublin, than hosting a GAA chat show. He
didn’t seem to be that sure who most of the people in the audience were,
and even less sure of what they might have achieved. Peter Canavan had
to work hard to conceal a smile when Pat seemed to think he had won his
third All-Ireland in September past.

At one stage, when Des Cahill went off script and pointed out that
Jerome and Conor O’Shea were sitting behind Jacko, his face went
completely blank. This, along with the format (picking people out in the
audience and inviting them to entertain the viewers with a sixty second
anecdote) was the main problem with the show.

Eamonn Dunphy, who never stood under a dropping ball on the edge of the
square, but can bullshit entertainingly about anything under the sun,
was the evening’s star turn, which says something about the standard.
Bertie – that legendary GAA Oirishman – was trundled out to tell us how
friendly he was with Paidi O’Se and Jacko. I was half expecting his
daughter Cecilia, the 22 year old reincarnation of Maeve Binchey (not
the one married to the Westlife chap), to be wheeled out as well to
announce that her next potboiler, following on from ‘PS I Love You’ and
‘Where Rainbows End’ was going to be about a GAA man from Valencia
Island falling in love with the wife of a Dublin footballer, and the two
of them making love for the first time under the stand at the first
round of the Leinster championship in Dalymount Park. ‘PS I’m two timing
you’?

Next up could have been Barry McGuigan singing Danny Boy in a green
tuxedo, the camera panning across the sing-along audience.

Pat’s interview with Babs Keating was pure Roy. ‘So Babs’, said Pat,
‘tell us how you got your name?’

– ‘Well Pat, there were three of us with the same name in school, so me
being the youngest, they called me Babs.’ Brilliant! Pat wasn’t
finished. ‘You’ve got a funny story Babs, about the time a nail came
through your boot in Croke Park and you had to finish the game in bare
feet.’

– ‘Well, Pat, I took the boot off because a nail came through it, and I
played in the bare feet.’ Hilarious! A bare-footed GAA man from the
wilds of Tipperary fits the D4 view of the GAA as an organisation full
of Kilburn Paddies perfectly.

The main theme of the program was how in the seventies, Dublin and Kerry
saved the GAA. This was a new one on me, and my mind wandered to the
story about the Dubs when their first All-Ireland of the decade in 1974.
One adult Dublin fan was interviewed on the pitch afterwards by RTE, and
said he couldn’t wait to see whom they got in the first round in Europe.
Saved the GAA my arse!

Des Cahill had the decency to look embarrassed, and in fairness he did
his best to give the thing some substance, but the odds were stacked
against him, and he finally lost the battle when Pat Kenny proudly
announced that we were to be treated to a song from a GAA icon, that was
sung on the terraces in GAA grounds throughout the country. What, I
wondered, might this gombeen anthem be, and who might be the performer?
Phil Coulter playing ‘The Town I Loved So Well’ on a crystal grand
piano? Foster and Allen in green waistcoats singing ‘The Rare Oul
Times’?

Alas, it soon became clear it was going to be nothing as highbrow as
that. A ravaged looking Brush Shiels – with his electric guitar – roared
his way through a distinctly out of tune version of ‘The Fields of
Athenry’, a famine song sung only on the terraces of Anfield and
Parkhead. This was my cue, for the fifth time, to change channels for a
few minutes, to get a breather from the unabated paddywhackery.

The highlight of the evening was undoubtedly Pat Spillane’s face when
they broadcast the Apres Match skit. Pat, who was warming to his role as
an amateur GAA historian, was suddenly stopped in his tracks. A second
camera closed in on the Kerryman’s face, frozen in a deathly grin, like
the loser in the Oscars smiling through gritted teeth, as though he were
delighted that the stranger in the next row has beaten him to the award.
Priceless!

I suppose, at least, it was better than watching Fermanagh the following
day in the McKenna Cup…


A real slapdash effort from RTE

 
In this part of the country we often complain about the coverage that
the BBC and UTV give to our games. While the two rival stations have
cameras posted at the four corners of the six counties to cover soccer
games in the Irish League GAA fans are left scratching their heads at
the lack of coverage of their sport.

The scant crowds at these soccer games in comparison with the
attendance’s at GAA fixtures only furthers amplifies the perplexity that
Monday evening sports bulletins are greeted with. Although I must say
that while the BEEB and UTV should do more, I think that we go out of
our way to be offended at times.


And perhaps people will accuse me of being too easily offended with this
columns offering. But it seems that in the 26 counties our national
broadcaster is as derisory when it comes to GAA coverage. What am I
referring to? The Late Late Show GAA special of course. Perhaps it is a
sign of advancing years but I have found myself sporadically watching
‘Pat’ on a Friday night over the last while and when I heard about a
‘Late Late’ dedicated to the 125 years of the GAA I settled down at half
nine to watch what I expected to be an insightful look at the greatest
amateur sports organisation in the world.

Well, how wrong I was. It started with a song from the Saw Doctors about
emigrants longing to be back home. A tenuous link to the GAA? Maybe, if
we are being generous. But given that their repertoire includes one of
the greatest ballads, with a GAA theme, ever written, ‘To win just
once’, it seemed a strange choice. Perhaps the Artane band, who
accompanied the Saw Doctors, did not have the sheet music for that one.

And things went downhill from there. Of the eight guests who got to
share some sit down time with Pat, you would only immediately associate
three with the GAA. And who were those three? The current President, his
successor and Pat Spillane. The rest were made up of an ex-Taoisach, a
soccer pundit, a musician, a journalist and a newsreader. It seems that
there is nobody quite like RTE for self promotion with four of the eight
guests having jobs with the station.

But thank god for the journalist, Des Cahill, at least he knew a bit
about the GAA. Cahill was on much too late in the show to redeem it
fully but at least he showed a basic knowledge of the Association and
what makes it tick. Kenny, on the other hand, seemed a little out of his
depth.

When Brush Shields – I know, you tell me why he was on? – relayed the
feeling of singing in front of 82,500 in Croke Park as akin to walking
on air, Kenny told the nation that he knew exactly how Shields felt as
he had the same feeling when he once passed an exam that he thought he
had failed.

I had to rewind the old Sky Plus to make sure that I heard him right. As
someone who passed his fair share of exams that he should have failed I
have to ask, what are you on Pat?

And would any of us have blamed Dara O’Se if he had rolled Pat down the
stairs after a picture of Dooher lifting Sam just four months ago was
shoved in his face. I know if I was Pat I would have been telling the
producer who came up with the bright idea, ‘Do it yourself brave fella!’


But maybe I am being too harsh on Pat. He is obviously more of a soccer
man than a GAA man, which of course is fair enough. Generally, I find
him a very professional presenter and, as I said, he was just out of his
depth on this occasion.

But that does not excuse RTE. As a whole, the station should be
embarrassed and ashamed of itself for putting together such a slapdash
effort. To me, the show demonstrated a trait, fuelled by the Celtic
tiger mentality of the last decade and a half, which goes completely
against the ethos of the GAA. Namely, the notion that first is best and
second is nowhere. Winning and success is all that is important.
Watching the programme you would have been forgiven for thinking that
the game of Gaelic football was invented in the ’70s and the only two
teams of any note were Heffo’s Dubs and Micko’s Kerry. The west of
Ireland was shamefully overlooked while an attempt by our own Peter
Quinn to broaden the debate and inject a sense of realism into
proceedings was cut short at the first whiff of controversy.

Would it have been too hard for RTE in a two-hour show to give just 15
minutes to each of the five quarter centuries that the GAA have been in
existence. This still would have allowed 45 minutes for music and
possibly a look at the future of the Association.

What RTE failed to grasp is that it is not the big days in Croke Park
that lie at the heart of the GAA but rather the games that occur on the
thousands of club pitches the length and breadth of the country every
Sunday. It is the devotion of those tens of thousands who have never
tasted the sweetness of playing at Croke Park that drives the GAA, yet

as the lifeblood of the Association they were overlooked completely by
RTE in this programme.

But do not despair, we still have TG4. The Irish language channel
launched a ten-part documentary on Sunday, which charts the history of
the GAA. The first episode was excellent and will be repeated on Friday
evening. A true taste of the real GAA.

A GAA Museum Tribute to GAA Broadcasting
Tuning In- From The Wireless to Wireless
—————————————————————–

Thursday 29th January, 19.00

The GAA Museum launches its 125th GAA Anniversary celebrations
with a special evening focusing on GAA broadcasting.

Eoghan Corry will present a historical talk paying tribute to
the significance of GAA broadcasting down through the years.
This will be followed by Q&A session, chaired by RTE sports
commentator and presenter Darragh Maloney, featuring of some of
the great voices of the GAA including Micheal O Muircheartaigh,
Sean Og O Cealleachain, Marty Morrissey and Weeshie Fogarty.
Also on the panel will be Padhraic O Ciardha from TG4 and Martan
O Ciardha from RTE Raidio na Gaeltachta. The evening will round
off with a drinks reception and light refreshments.

Adults e25, Student / Senior e20

Please note that booking is essential as places are limited.
Tickets must be purchased in advance.

For more information please contact:-
Selina O’ Regan – Education Officer
Ph:
01 8192361

Fax:
01 8192324

Email:
soregan@crokepark.ie


—————————————————————–
All Stars Art Attack
Spectacular, Spectacular!
—————————————————————–

Saturday 31st January, 10.30 – 12.00

The GAA National Football League begins in style with a 125th
spectacular floodlit match between Dublin and reigning
All-Ireland Football Champions Tyrone. Prepare for the big match
with GAA Museum staff by designing your own floodlit match
poster in a special Art Attack.

e4 per child

Ages 6+ Please note that booking is essential as places are
limited.

For more information please contact-
Selina O’ Regan – Education Officer
Ph:
01 8192361

Fax:
01 8192324

Email:
soregan@crokepark.ie



 

Concerned managers highlight flaws in new rules

 GAVIN CUMMISKEY

REACTION TO NEW DISCIPLINARY RULES: THE FIRST step in the GAA’s
experimental playing rules was to get them off the ground. Their
sustainability, unlike in 2005 when they meekly collapsed after the
initial wave of resistance, faced its first significant challenge when

representatives of managers from each province and each code met key
officials in Croke Park last night.

Other issues were on the agenda – match regulations and the much
contested pre-Christmas break – but primarily managerial feedback on the
new sanctions were gathered from respected hurling men like Clare’s Mike
McNamara and Antrim’s Terence McNaughton.

‘The referees have been quite open-minded but some of the rules defy
logic,’ said McNamara. ‘The second yellow card leading to a fortnight
suspension can hopefully be confined to whatever team the player is
representing or the competition so if he is put off twice for his
college or playing Waterford Crystal that it doesn’t affect his
involvement in the National League.’

A major concern voiced by McNamara and fellow managers, including Mayo’s
John O’Mahony, is whether the experiments can be fine-tuned (as Liam
O’Neill’s playing rules committee stated was a possibility) before the
National League starts. ‘There are not going to be any changes but we
will listen to what they are going to say and elicit their viewpoints,’
said Pat Daly, the GAA director of games,
yesterday
.

McNamara retained some concerns about how much input managers will
really be afforded. ‘Hopefully this will be a discussion and not, as is
sometimes the case on arrival up in Croke Park, that we are being told
what is happening.

‘Some rules had to come in, like the abuse of referees and officials has
been getting progressively worse. It is an easy way out for managers to
be blaming officials after their team lose. The tackle around the head
and swing back of the hurley also had to be addressed. But remember
hurling is a physical game and there will always be some ferocious
challenges in the Munster championship.’

Entering his second season with the Clare hurlers, McNamara went on to
question the rationale behind
altering the meaning of a yellow card in
Gaelic games.

‘I don’t see the need for a player to be sent off for (committing) silly
frees. The yellow card has always been used as a warning in all sports
so I don’t know why we are adopting it in this way.

‘There is nothing wrong with the game of hurling; we would be careful
not to ruin it as a spectacle. If someone is over-physical, you can be
over-physical with him. Joe Canning was put off for an innocuous foul
last week (for LIT) – for holding his hurley too high. People pay money
to come see Joe Canning play and now he is not allowed finish the game.
That is a problem.’

A general concern from managers is that the current laws, specifically
the dismissal for wrestling on the ground, allows leading players to be
targeted by cynical tactics. ‘There is a school of thought that anybody
with an insidious nature would take advantage of them,’ said Armagh
football manager Peter McDonnell.

‘A manager can throw in a player to wrestle the opposition’s key player
to the ground and then both would be sent off. I hope that wouldn’t
happen but in the heat of battle all managers are susceptible to such
temptation.’

McDonnell also made it apparent that although representing other Ulster
football inter-county managers, he is not necessarily echoing their
individual views. ‘My contact details were sent out to the other
managers but I received no contact (back) directly so I’m reading
between the lines.’

Only two weekends of pre-season football and hurling have taken place
but perceived flaws have already become apparent. Louth football manager
Eamonn McEneaney feels the tempo of the game has been slowed by the new
system.

‘A lot of managers are waiting a little longer to give it their complete
rubber-stamping but most of them feel it is putting an awful lot of
pressure on referees.

‘The black tick slows down the game so maybe the fourth official can be
wired up, like in championship, to help speed up this process.

‘If wired up to the line the referee could mention an indiscretion and
allow play to continue before checking with the fourth official at the
next break in play.

‘Immediate positives are the sanction for taking out the man for a
return pass as well as dragging and pulling the man down. A number of

managers feel it is taking the physicality out of games but I think
players are just being over-cautious at present.’

Overall, last night’s meeting could be the first of many formal
interactions ahead of congress, the regular referees’ meeting also takes
place this week, but many intercounty managers will feed opinions
through the county board who will in turn provide a mandate for their
delegates ahead of the ultimate decision being made on these experiments
in April.


125 birthday wishes for the GAA

 By Frank Roche and Conor McKeon


A new season tinged with history has dawned for the GAA, marking 125 years in existence. In honour of the occasion here are 125 new years resolutions 

1 That the experimental rules are given at least one month’s grace before managers connive to bury them.

2 That Cork secede from the GAA.

3 Failing the above, that the GAA secedes from Cork.

4 That Dublin and Tyrone produce on-field fireworks.

5 That those fireworks aren’t of the Omagh variety.

6 That those fireworks don’t cost half-a-million, either.

7 That Kilkenny hurlers are pushed to within ten points – by anyone.

8 That the above happens during an actual game, and not a Kilkenny training session.

9 That Frank Murphy, Donal óg Cusack and Gerald McCarthy are jointly awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

10 That Donal óg turns up to accept his award.

11 That Dublin’s 24-hour Christmas fast is the first and last case of Sky Blue charity this season.

12 That Graham Geraghty comes out of retirement. For one game only. Against the Dubs.

13 That Hill 16 gives him a standing ovation. (Editor: It’s a terrace, stupid; they’ll have to!)

14 That ‘Of One Belief’ come out of retirement … to blame the recession on player grants.

15 That Westmeath discover a forward who doesn’t answer to the name Dessie or Denis.

16 That every inter-county player grows a beard.

17 While Mickey Harte sheds his designer stubble.

18 That we’ve a row over Footballer of the Year (Seán Cavanagh was simply too unanimous).

19 That Anthony Daly is barred from the Sunday Game studios this summer.

20 Because his Sky Blue stickmen keep winning.

21 That Justin McCarthy has the last laugh on
June 14
.

22 That Waterford promptly down hurls and refuse to play until Justin comes back.

23 That Brian Cody admits to the media, just the once: ‘Jeez lads, that was a piece of piss.’

24 That Stephen Ireland comes out of international retirement … to play for Cork.

25 That Kildare footballers score a point in the first 20 minutes of a game.

26 While, in the same breath, the Lilywhites unilaterally abandon the handpass.

27 That Mayo fans stop waxing wistfully about 1951.

28 That the two-man full-forward line is abandoned.

29 In favour of a new tactical masterstroke – a six-man forward line.

30 That GAA officers in power finally start looking at the small picture.

31 That a Kerry footballer compliments the referee on his decision-making.

32 That the Late Late Show organises another ‘GAA Love-In Special’ that doesn’t involve Eamon Dunphy.

33 That Ger Loughnane makes a managerial comeback. Somewhere. Anywhere.

34 Ditto Richie Bennis and Billy Morgan.

35 That Dublin get rid of those ridiculous new jerseys before anyone mistakes them for Man City.

36 That their defence stops leaking like Man City’s.

37 That Jack O’Connor and Mickey Harte lock footballing brains somewhere towards the end of summer.

38 And that Tyrone pay as little respect to those green-and-gold jerseys as heretofore.

39 That Armagh play with more than two men in front of the ball, even the odd time.

40 That all of Joe Canning’s appearances are televised.

41 That all Galway/Portumna/LIT opposition this year concede copious sideline balls from anywhere within 80 metres of goal.

42 That the GPA sorts out the one real player welfare issue out there – the Waterford hurlers’ dental plan.

43 That somebody – anybody – shows up to one of the inaugural Lory Meagher Cup games.

44 That the weaker counties cease to be referred to as ‘the so-called weaker counties’.

45 That match reports relating to a 0-8 to 0-6 Ulster SFC bore fest do not contain the word ‘intensity’ any more than 15 times.

46 That Meath and the Dubs go at least four rounds in their provincial opener … thereby ensuring the Dublin club championship isn’t finished until next January.

47 That someone from the GAA explains what exactly is ‘Plan B’ in the event of those inevitable pitch invasions.

48 That pre-match parades cease to exist.

49 That no ‘Fíor Gael’ dies in the coming year, thus eliminating the need for the now-obligatory minute’s silence.

50 That post-match warm-downs are outlawed.

51 That Kilkenny beat someone other than London in the National Football League.

52 That no inter-county star is assaulted by a referee’s notebook.

53 But if this happens, that the notebook doesn’t get off on appeal.

54 That the Meath county board gets rid of that awful accordion/snare drum CD it plays before (and sometimes during) matches in Páirc Tailteann.

55 That Darragh ó Sé sticks around for another yerra – sorry, year.

56 That he and Ciarán Whelan take flight in opposition one more time.

57 That unheralded Dromcollogher-Broadford reach the All-Ireland club final on St Patrick’s Day.

58 Causing consternation for all tabloid headline-writers, who don’t know whether to call them ‘Droms’ or ‘Broads’.

59 That De La Salle Waterford win the All-Ireland club hurling title … if only to hear John Mullane’s victory speech.

60 That Dublin fans are on time every time.

61 That the Dublin footballers cease to be referred to as ‘the Man Utd of the GAA’.

62 That the stewards in Clones lighten up.

63 That the stadium announcer in Croke Park stops slurring his ‘S’ when saying ‘sssssssssssssssssubstitution on the Kerry team’.


64 That Croke Park finally rids itself of that truly awful ‘Special Olympics’ ditty – ‘May We Never Have To Say Goodbye’ – played at the end of every game.

65 That cowboy hats are confiscated from all supporters. Bring back the furry cap, we say!

66 That, for once, the National Football League starts with a whimper and finishes with a bang. Instead of the other way round.

67 That every Sunday be sunny. No floods. No hurricanes.

68 That no more up-and-coming football talents leave for Oz.

69 That Tadhg Kennelly, Colm Begley, Martin Clarke, Setanta ó hAilpín, etc, all come back home.

70 That Setana duly rejoins his old comrades on the Leeside picket line.

71 That Aussie Rules agent Ricky Nixon goes away and never comes back.

72 That Stephen O’Neill announces his retirement on the eve of the All-Ireland final.

73 That somebody actually makes a decent tackle in the International Rules Series next autumn.

74 That ‘Dan the Man’ rediscovers his goal-scoring mojo.

75 That GAA nicknames in every county (bar Kerry) finally strike an original note, with the addition of ‘ey’, ‘er’ or ‘o’ to the end of a name henceforth punishable by a four-week ban.

76 That Fermanagh kick the ball from their own half at least once.

77 That Michael Cussen stops growing upwards.

78 That the Roscommon footballers take up pool again.

79 Failing the above, that Roscommon go through an entire season with the same manager.

80 That the Interpro series is either taken seriously by the GAA or put out of its misery by the GAA.

81 In the event of the former, that All-Ireland final tickets will only be issued to supporters who retain their Railway Cup ticket stubs.

82 That the alphabet soup disciplinary process be replaced by a single appeal structure.

83 That Bill Cullen be appointed chairman of the now-merged CCCC, CHC and CAC (from now on referred to as Cack).

84 That An Bord Snip Nua recommends the demise of the DRA.

85 That the Official Guide is torn up in its entirety – and replaced by something lean, legible and loophole-resistant.

86 That no blatant offender anywhere gets off on a technicality.

87 But if it happens, that the GPA immediately conducts a text poll to ask what its members think of said offender getting off on a technicality.

88 That Offaly’s battered pride is restored by the election of Barack Obama.

89 Suitably infused with the spirit of ‘yes we can!’, that Offaly stop organising 1982 reunion dinners and start winning some matches again.

90 That Tommy Walsh (Kilkenny) and Tommy Walsh (Kerry) go head-to-head for the title of ‘Strongest Tommy Walsh in the GAA’.

91 That Páirc Uí Chaoimh be knocked down, rebuilt and never spoken of again.

92 That the words ‘Mick O’Dwyer’ are never again used in the same sentence as ‘rogue’, ‘wily’, ‘cute Kerry hoor’ or ‘glint in his eye’.

93 That Declan Browne makes a comeback for the Tipp footballers. And Ciarán McDonald for Mayo. And Graham Geraghty for … oh, we mentioned him already.

94 That managers cease to lump midfield donkeys in at full-forward just because they’re tall.

95 That Brush Shields and the Saw Doctors cease to be the GAA’s entertainers of choice.

96 That the European Court of Justice rules against any clamping in the vicinity of Croke Park.

97 That out-of-work clampers are forcefully re-employed as match-day parking attendants.

98 That Seán Cavanagh criticises anything.


99 That Mickey Moran and John Morrison send Valentine cards to every Leitrim footballer, suggestively signed by ‘Sam.’ Makes a welcome change from ‘FBD’ …

100 That Mark Vaughan, Conor Mortimer and Michael J Tierney form a peroxide three-man inside forward line for the Irish International Rules team.

101 That their team-mates desist from pumping high, hopeful ball on top of this lightweight trio.

102 That football boots of any colour other than black are banned.

103 That Colm Cooper, Alan Brogan or Steven McDonnell score more goals in the championship than Robbie Keane manages in his entire first season at Liverpool.

104 That forwards celebrate goals properly again a la Joe Brolly, Ray Cosgrove, Ollie Murphy, etc.

105 That Westlife or Take That never play another concert in Croker. Ever.

106 That another GAA match ends prematurely so we can have a repeat of the ‘Fair Play Replay’ of 1998.

107 That ‘Babs’ Keating, Ger Loughnane, Gerald McCarthy, Justin McCarthy, Davy Fitzgerald and Tony Considine be stuck in a house with locked doors for a
new RTE series entitled Bainisteor Big Brother.

108 That Galway hurlers are crowned kings of Leinster.

109 That New York footballers are crowned kings of Connacht.

110 That GAA chiefs have to resit Junior Cert geography exam.

111 That lazy commentators stop comparing Pat Gilroy and Mickey Whelan to ‘Stan and Bobby’.

112 That ‘Giller and Whelo’ give said commentators no excuse for making such trite comparisons.

113 That Eamon O’Brien rediscovers that long-lost species – Homo Royal Teak Tough Erectus – that once produced Lyons, Harney, Foley, etc.

114 That those multi-coloured Carlow footballers stop looking like fruit pastilles.
And stop playing like them, too.

115 That the main stand at St Conleth’s Park be transported to where it belongs – the GAA Museum.

116 That extra-time at all O’Byrne Cup matches be replaced by a penalty shoot-out.

117 Or, better still, a coin-toss.

118 That the 125th celebrations be marked by a new tournament to decide the Smallest Parish in Ireland.

119 That GAA club players rediscover that magical experience of playing a championship match with moulded studs on a hard pitch in the middle of summer.

120 That they don’t suffer unduly from blisters as a result.

121 That a victorious captain conducts his speech in Polish.

122 That the All-Ireland hurling final remains in the balance until at least the 20th minute.

123 That someone other than Tyrone or Kerry lifts Sam. Just for the sheer novelty.

124 That the GAA survives and thrives for another 125 years.

125 That we finally get to the end of this interminable wish-list …

 
 
Kildare’s National League Fixtures for 2009.

Kildare kick off their Division 2, 2009 League campaign  on Sunday February 1st, away to Laois at 2-30pm  On Sunday, Feb 15th, Kildare are host to Cork; Sunday, March 8th, Leinster finalists Wexford will be in St. Conleth’s Park; March, 15th, Kildare are away to Monaghan;  Sunday March 22nd,  Kildare are at home to Armagh; Sunday March 29th, away to Fermanagh; and Sunday, April 12th away to Meath in the final league game. For those supporters planning the annual away trip the game against Fermanagh looks like the likely one.

 

Sarsfields Fundraising Draw.

 

Tickets are still available  for the club’s fundraising draw priced at €60 or two for €100. The draw will take place in the Clubhouse on Saturday January31st. 1st prize is a Fiat Punto, 2nd prize a €3,500 Holiday Voucher, 3rd prize a 46” Flatscreen TV and 4th prize of €1000 cash..

More Stupid Quotes.

And there’s no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail…  Dearly departed George W Bush

Do not bother to sell your gas shares. The electric light has no… — Professor John Henry Pepper

Do you have blacks, too?…George W Bush, to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso

Do you still throw spears at each other… — Prince Philip, to Australian Aborigines

Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it…Prince Philip

Every prime minister needs a Willie…Margaret Thatcher, referring to Lord William Whitelaw

 Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream… — George W Bush

For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings…George W Bush

For NASA, space is still a high priority…Dan Quayle
Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union…
Josef Stalin
General…I can’t name the general…
— George W Bush, asked to name President of Pakistan
Have you been playing a long time?…
Queen Elizabeth II, to rock legend Eric Clapton

How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test…Prince Philip

Hurray, boys! We’ve got them. We’ll finish them…General George Custer, before Little Big Horn

I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans… — George W Bush

I can do anything you want me to do as long as I don’t have to speak… — Linda Evangelista
I catnap now and then…but I think while I nap, so it’s not a waste of time… — Martha Stewart
I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky… — Bill Clinton
I don’t believe in black majority rule in Rhodesia…not in a thousand years… — Ian Smith
I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them… — John Wayne
I don’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day… — Linda Evangelista
 
I feel my best when I’m happy…
Winona Ryder
 
I have determined that there is no market for talking pictures…
Thomas Edison

I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn’t here…George W Bush
I think anybody who doesn’t think I’m smart enough to handle the job…
George W Bush
I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made…
Dan Quayle

 

Strange/Bizzare/Quirkie News.

Tap was stuck in man’s eye

A Chinese man ended up with a water tap stuck in his eye after he slipped and fell in his bathroom. Mr Zhao, 57, of Chongqing, was having his early morning wash when he fell and landed on the tap.

His family immediately called firefighters and ambulances who arrived to find him with the tap still jammed in his left eye.

‘It was so scary, there was blood spouting everywhere,’ one family member told the Chongqing Business Daily.

Firefighters cut the pipe with hydraulic shears leaving the tap handle and a section of pipe still stuck in Zhao’s eye.

Holding the pipe in his hands, Zhao walked to the ambulance and was rushed to hospital where staff called a plumber to try and make the pipe small enough to fit him in a CAT scan machine.

Lego Obama takes the oath

Legoland has stolen a march on the real world by creating an incredibly detailed model of Barack Obama’s inauguration as US President. The model version is already the main attraction at the California theme park – ahead of the highly anticipated real thing.

Lego master craftsmen created a model White House, motorcade, Mr Obama and his whole family – and even queues to the porta-loos.

More than 1,000 mini Lego people surround the construction, with onlookers including outgoing George W Bush and Hillary and Bill Clinton.

Obama’s daughters Sasha and Malia are also depicted, standing proudly behind the president-elect as he takes the presidential oath of office on the steps of the Capitol.

Man survives being run over by train

A German man survived being run over by an express train when drunk – after he passed out between the tracks.

Jens Mauer, 41, who was five times over the drink drive limit, tried to cross the tracks at Brand, eastern Germany, just as the train thundered into the station.

But he collapsed on the sleepers and was so drunk the train passed over him as he lay comatose below.

Station staff pulled him to safety where paramedics treated him for minor cuts and bruises

 

 

 

Sports Quirkies.

Rower forgot race time

An Olympic rower was barred from competing further in Beijing after he forgot the time of the race. When China’s Zhang Liang finally arrived to take part in the men’s single scull the competition had already ended.

‘I wrongly remembered my time as that of the third group, but actually it was the second group,’ Zhang explained.

According to the rules of the International Rowing Federation if an athlete fails to attend a race his right to compete in further races is forfeited.

Therefore Zhang not only missed the single sculls competition but also forfeited his right to compete in the final of the double sculls he had qualiified for earlier with his teammate Su Hui.

The China Water Sports Administration appealed to the International Federation but its plea was rejected.

There’s no further report about whether Zhang will be punished for his mistake.

Up and underwater

Switzerland has started an underwater rugby competition with dozens of teams signed up for the new sport. The Swiss Underwater Sports Union says it’s been flooded with requests from people wanting to learn the game.

It is now organising introduction days for newcomers. Underwater rugby is a six-a-side game for both men and women who are equipped with flippers, a snorkel and goggles.

The ball is filled with salt water and weighs 13lbs, and the aim of each team is to place it in the basket of the opposing team on the ground of the swimming pool. Players have to come to the surface to breathe.

Jan Maisenbacher of the Swiss Underwater Sports Union says: ‘Underwater rugby is the only three-dimensional sport.’

The game was first developed in Germany to help trai, , n divers and has become the new hit sport on the continent this year.

F1 star takes wheel from cabbie

Michael Schumacher took over the wheel from a taxi driver when he was running late to catch a flight. Cabbie Tuncer Yilmaz watched in awe as the seven-time Formula One world champion, 38, showed him how it’s done.

‘I found myself in the passenger seat, which was strange enough, but to have ‘Schumi’ behind the wheel of my cab was incredible,’ Mr Yilmaz told German newspaper the Muenchner Abendzeitung.

Schumacher, 38, who lives in Switzerland, had flown to an aerodrome near Coburg, Bavaria, and taken a taxi to Gehuelz to pick up a new puppy.

On the 20 mile return journey, however, Schumacher felt they were short on time, and politely asked Mr Yilmaz if he could take over.

With his wife, two children and new puppy Ed, Schumacher hit the floor and raced the Opel Vivaro people carrier along the autobahn.

‘He drove at full throttle around the corners and overtook in some unbelievable places,’ said a white-knuckled Mr Yilmaz.

The retired champion gave the taxi driver a generous 100 euro tip on top of the 60 euro fare.

True Story.

Oil And Water Don’t Mix
 
 
The spray WD-40 got its name because there were forty attempts
needed before the creation of the ‘water displacing’ substance.  
 
Oil And Water Don’t Mix

That was a pretty elementary concept, even to the small staff of
three that were hunched over their work benches at the Rocket
Chemical Company in 1953. They were hard at work in the San
Diego, California ‘headquarters’, trying to come up with a line
of degreasing products and rust-prevention substances that could
be marketed to the aerospace industry, which was a burgeoning
business.

Forty attempts later, they succeed in achieving water
displacement from their formula, and so they called the product,
what is one of the most popular and well-known home use items
today
, WD-40. So efficient was it at what they designed the
product for, that Conair, a contractor, used it to coat the
Atlas missile, protecting it from rust and corrosion. It
impressed their employees as well, who took some home to try it
out on other things.

Company founder Norm Larsen tinkered with the concept of putting
it in an aerosol can, figuring that homeowners might find it as
useful as the employees, did, and sure enough, he was right.
From WD-40’s first appearance on shelves in San Diego in 1958,
the company doubled in size (a whole seven people) in 1960, and
began selling cases of it that were delivered in the employees
own cars. The following year, their first ‘commercial’ truckload
was shipped out in the wake of Hurricane Carla, for
reconditioning vehicles, tools and equipment disabled by the
floodwaters.

In 1969, the company name changed to its one and only product:
WD-40.

 

True Story 2.

The Irish Have A Beef With Being Corny

Almost anyone you ask who knows about this kind of thing, will tell you that Corned Beef is an Irish dish. But ask them how they know. Because nobody ever told the Irish!

The traditional interpretation is that corned beef was a special dish reserved for Easter, or St. Patrick’s Day. And while special meals were no doubt cooked at that time, Irish historians say if there was meat to be had, it was far more likely to be a piece of salted bacon. This is particularly true in the 1800s when most Irish families had very little meat in their diets, and when they did, it was more often mutton than beef.

The association of Irish and meals of corned beef and cabbage appears to be an American invention of Irish immigrants, but there are several reasons cited. One, is that poor Irish immigrants living in ethnic neighborhoods, learned to substitute corned beef for a side of salted bacon, a tip given to them by their Jewish friends. But how did the corned beef get to America in the first place?

For that, we go back to Anglo-Saxon times, when meat for the winter was preserved by packing it in barrels with ‘corns’ of salt. The salt, in pellet form, was roughly the size of a corn kernel, hence the name ‘corned’.

A more likely explanation for the Irish love of corned beef, is that it was a staple of the American military diet for both sides, during the Civil War. Irish having fought on both sides, may have taken a taste for the inexpensive dish, and it became a diet staple in the years afterwards.

True Story 3

What’s In A Name, Other Than $300 Million Dollars?

That’s just one of those random, almost pointless questions that players of Trivia Pursuit would jump on in a flash.

Trivial Pursuit was the game goldmine of the 1980s. Two Canadians, Chris Haney and Scott Abbott, got together one night for a game of Scrabble. Haney was the photo editor for the Montreal Gazette newspaper, and Abbott was a sports editor for the Canadian Press. Both were competitive, and when they discovered pieces of the Scrabble game were missing, the two of them kicked around ideas for their own game, finally coming up with the concept of asking questions based on general knowledge and pop culture.

Conceived in 1979, the game didn’t get off the ground until two years later, when the initial run of 1100 games cost $75 apiece to produce. The pair, in partnership with Haney’s brother and a friend of Abbott, supplied the game to retailers for $15, where it sold at $29.95, something of an anomaly in that era. Who was going to pay that kind of money for a game? As it turned out, not many. Not in the beginning.

With their own funds almost gone, they began selling shares in their company. At the 1982 American International Toy Fair, they had 20,000 games ready to go. But only a few hundred were sold. Re-trenching, they found a Canadian distributor, and in 1983 arranged with the Selchow and Righter Game Co. to manufacture and distribute it in the U.S. The firm hired a PR firm, who initiated a mass mailing to Hollywood stars and nearly 2,000 of the top buyers at the 1983 International Toy Fair, and the game took off into history.

Oh, and the name? That has to do with a 1984 lawsuit by Fred Worth, who claimed that Haney and Abbott had taken all their material from his trivia books, including the one thing he had invented, in order to catch plagiarizers: the first name of fictional police lieutenant, Columbo. In his book, Worth had listed it as ‘Philip’, and that fact is repeated in the Trivial Pursuit game. But while Haney and Abbott admitted to having used that fact and others from Worth’s books, they demonstrated that their material had been compiled from a number of sources, and the suit was dismissed.

Did Columbo have a first name? Yes. When the original t.v. series was released on DVD, an episode called ‘Dead Weight’ shows a close up of his badge, with the name Frank Columbo.

 

 



 
Warning Labels on Appliances


On Odour Eaters: Please do not eat.

On a blender: On no account improvise as a fish aquarium.

On stockings: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

On gloves: For best results, do not leave at the crime scene.

On a fridge: Refrigerate after opening.

On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

On a cardboard windshield sun-shade:
‘Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place’.

On an infant’s bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.

On a cup of McDonald’s coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.

On a microscope: Objects in view are bigger and more frightening than they appear.

On a calendar: Use of term ‘Sunday’ for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.


Puzzle

There are variations of the ‘missing Euro’ riddle.
3 men get a hotel room, pay €10 each, total cost = €30.

The manager decides to refund €5, gives the €5 to the bellboy to return to the guests.

The bellboy decides to keep €2 for himself…gives each guest back €1.00

SO:

Each man paid €10, then was each refunded €1, meaning they paid €9 per person.
€9 times 3 guys = €27 + the €2 the bellboy kept equals €29. …where did the missing dollar go???

 

Answer:
It’s a misdirection…the ONLY reason the men paid €27 is because the bellboy kept €2 for himself. (You don’t ‘add’ €2 to the €27 to balance the equation.)

The real breakdown goes like this:

€30 minus €5 refund = €25 total cost to the guests. The bellboy takes €2 for himself = €27 total cost to the guests (or €9 each) Add the €3 that was refunded to the guests and all €30 is accounted for…nothing is missing.

 Humour

This is a compilation of  student’s work, mostly 10 yrs old.

History Jokes

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

 Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire’s in the East and the sun sets in the West.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn’t have history.
The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.


English Jokes

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: ‘Tee hee, Brutus’



1) Bungled Robbery

The two criminal masterminds planned their heist carefully. They knew the courier would have a suitcase full of cash. They waited for his car to pass, then pursued him at high speed, shooting at the vehicle until the courier was forced to pull over.

Armed robbers made off with what they thought was a suitcase full of cash – they were in for a surprise.  Back at their secret hideout, the bandits prepared to force the locks and spring the cash. That’s when they noticed their plan had gone horribly wrong; instead of taking the money, they made off with a first aid kit.

Police spokesman Johann Steinlitz said, ‘If there was an award for the dumbest crooks they would certainly be in the running.
But even though they did not get what they were after, we are still investigating for attempted armed robbery and endangering lives. Luckily the courier was not harmed in the incident.’

2)
Patriotic thieves

Masked bank robbers forced customers and cashiers to sing the Italian national anthem during a hold-up in Guidonia, near Rome.
Police reported that the men then escaped on a motorcycle with €25,000 in cash.[approx.$ 44,550 USD]


1) Logical Thinking

A teacher was giving her Primary pupils a lesson in developing logical thinking.
‘This is the scene,’ said the teacher.
‘A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?’
A little girl raised her hand and asked, ‘To draw out all his savings?’

3) Divorce Case
‘Mr Edwards, I have reviewed your petition very carefully,’ the divorce court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife €600 a week,’
‘That’s very fair, your honour,’ the husband said, ‘and every now and then I’ll try to send her a few quid myself.’

Annual Physical

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
with normal results. Dr. Smith said, ‘George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and
do you have a good relationship with your God?’

George replied, ‘God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s
fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
(poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when
I’m done.’

‘Wow,’ commented Dr. Smith, ‘that’s incredible!’

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife. ‘Thelma,’ he said,
‘George is just fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call because I’m in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night
and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes
off?’

Thelma exclaimed, ‘That old fool! He’s peeing in the refrigerator
again!’



Contributors Required

If anyone would like to contribute to this Newsletter please send info to editor tonyr06@eircom.net. Articles, news, anecdotes etc would be very welcome. If you know anyone who would like to be added to the e-mail mailing list for the Newsletter then please ask them to forward their e-mail addresses to the above or alternatively you can now subscribe to the Newsletter directly from Sarsfields website.

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