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Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Tuesday 13th January 2009

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.

 

Juvenile AGM.

Padraig Scully was voted in as new Juvenile chairman at the Juvenile AGM held on Friday night last. It has been decided to amalgamate the underage Ladies with the Juvenile section.  Ladies Secretary Dema Houlihan will be Secretary of the combined Juvenile and ladies group while Brenda Walsh will be assistant Secretary.

Leinster GAA News
 
Looking for a New Sport - How about Irish hurling?
By Gib Snyder

 
I was sitting on a friend's couch the other day, watching 'Dodgeball'
and when 'Obscure Sports Quarterly' made its appearance, I started to
think of the strangest, possibly most fascinating game I have ever seen
- Irish hurling.

No, this is not a sport revolving around the effects of drinking too
much Guinness. It is a sport that is not easily explained and a sport I
stumbled on many years ago while watching a show dedicated to Gaelic
games.

Irish hurling has been described as being similar to rugby, lacrosse and
a form of aerial hockey. The idea is to score goals on the opposing
keeper, pretty basic, but it's how the teams do it that makes it one of
- if not the most - amazingly-insane games imaginable.

Hurling is recognized as being one of the oldest known games, with
origins dating to 1272 B.C. Its early purpose was to help prepare Irish
warriors for battle, evolving from that time into Ireland's national
pastime.

In 1884 the Gaelic Athletic Association was formed to regulate all games
Gaelic in origin and played on the island. Other sports include Irish
football, Camogie (a form of hurling for women), handball and rounders
(the game many consider to be the origin for baseball).

The main instruments of competition in a hurling match are the hurley, a
stick of 26-27-inches in length, with a rounded end and a ball or
'sliothar', which has a cork center, which is wrapped in thread and
covered in leather. In appearance, it can easily be mistaken for a
baseball.

The field, or pitch, is a minimum of 130-meters long and a minimum of
80- wide and can be a maximum of 145- long and 90- wide. The goal is a
cross between a soccer goal and that used in rugby. It measures
6.5-meters wide and 2.5- high. The game is played with 15 players per
side - including the goalie - and most are played with two 30-minute
halves. A shot taken from the ground can travel the same distance as
that of a golf ball struck with a 9-iron while a ball struck from
mid-air can travel as far as 305-feet.

In terms of play, hurling looks like field hockey on steroids. The ball
can be struck from the ground, dropped from a player's hand and struck
in mid-air (kind of like if you were to be hitting infield practice on a
baseball or softball field), or can be dropped from a stationary
position from the hurley and struck that way. The ball can travel as
fast as 93-miles per hour and from a close distance can no doubt inflict
serious damage.

Unlike hockey, body checking is not allowed and players are also not
allowed to pull opponents to the ground. Also, the ball is not allowed
to be thrown and cannot be picked up by hand. When in possession of the
sliothar, a player is only allowed four steps before he either has to
pass it, or have the ball make contact with his hurley or the ground, at
which time he can take four more steps. You can only drop the ball and
catch it twice in one possession.

Watching clips of hurling on YouTube, it makes football or hockey seem
harmless. Players, most of whom wear absolutely nothing in terms of
protection (in fact, only players under 19 years old are required to
wear a helmet with a face guard), run around smashing the ball through
the air, with little or no regard for their safety, the safety of their
teammates or their opponents. Goalie is not the position I would want.
Actually this is one sport where I would prefer to be a 'bench warmer.'

There are 32 counties in Ireland, all of them are represented on the
hurling pitch and all of them hope to play in the All-Ireland final at
Dublin's Crooke Park, which is held on the second Sunday of September.
This year Kilkenny topped Waterford in what was apparently dominant
fashion. I mean how could I really know what is and what isn't a
dominant hurling performance. I didn't even know the sport existed until
I was in my mid-teens, but I'll take the report from the 'Kilkenny
People' at its word.

Ireland is not the only place where hurling can be found. Actually,
there are GAA associated organizations in Africa, Australia, Asia,
Europe, Canada, the United States and South America.

Currently there are 32 hurling teams in the U.S., along with 11 camogie
and one youth hurling team, the Columbia Red Branch, located in
Portland, OR. Who would let their children play this game is beyond me,
but I guess at that age, it can't be that much more dangerous than
hockey, that is if all the necessary safety precautions are taken.

According to a recent census report (well, fairly recent - 2006 to be
exact) there are 34.5 million Americans who claim Irish ancestry and
128,000 U.S. residents who were born in Ireland, which may tell us a
little of why Gaelic games have some popularity throughout the states.

At 28, I can tell you that there is no way I will be searching out a
hurling pitch any time soon, if at all, nor should I have children of my
own some day, will I sign them up for the local hurling team. I will
just simply watch with amazement as men, women and children of all ages
get kicks out of things I will never fully comprehend.

Gib Snyder III is an OBSERVER Sports reporter. Send comments to
sports@observertoday.com.

Cusack's GAA vision just the tonic as reality bites

 By Martin Breheny

 
WHEN Michael Cusack, the man who did more than anybody else to launch
the GAA, wrote in early 1884 that 'the strength and energy of a race are
largely dependent on the national pastimes for the development of a
spirit of courage and endurance', he could never have thought that his
words would still be so relevant in the Ireland of 2009.

It's ironic that as the GAA begins its 125th anniversary year, Ireland
is gripped by such a destructive sense of negativity. Cusack and Co
identified that mindset as a problem all those years ago and set about
counteracting it by launching a national sporting and cultural movement.

It was leadership of a rare and special nature, the fruits of which have
served Ireland extremely well. How the Ireland of
today
needs the likes
of Cusack, a visionary giant who recognised that harnessing the 'courage
and endurance' of the people could achieve so much.

Cusack didn't use idiotic phrases such as 'at the end of the day',
'going forward' or 'thinking outside the box'. But then he didn't
represent the sort of charlatan political class which exists nowadays,
one where shameless nepotism mixed with rat-like survival instincts and
corruption distort the national psyche.

Nor could he ever empathise with the modern-day corporate strand where
greed, self-interest and dishonesty have become trophies on a champagne
circuit where success is measured by the loudest pop.

Now that the fizz has gone and a new Ireland is waking up to the reality
that much of what we experienced over the last decade was a mirage, it's
more important than ever to invoke the spirit of Cusack and the GAA that
he helped found in the billiards room of Hayes Hotel in Thurles.

No other sporting organisation represents Ireland's soul in the way the
GAA does. That's why, at a time when every news bulletin offers dismal
gloom merchants (in most cases the same people who never saw the looming
economic storm) predicting ever more distress, it's advisable to retain
some sense of perspective.

As the largest and most widespread sporting organisation in the country,
the GAA can play an important role in lifting national morale. So too
can other sports, but, in terms of community involvement and a sense of
togetherness, none can compare with the GAA.

Ignore the smiling Minister nudging himself to the front to cut the
ribbon at the opening of a new GAA facility and recognise the real
heroes who made it happen through hard work and idealism.

Throughout its history the GAA has served Ireland well -- in good and
bad times. Its success has always been down to the passion, energy and
commitment of local communities. That, in turn, produced GAA leaders who
had the vision to plan properly and the courage to take risks.

That was proven by the decision to proceed with the redevelopment of
Croke Park, despite being warned by some 'experts' that it would
bankrupt the association.

Meanwhile, the IRFU sat on its wealthy backside and allowed Lansdowne
Road disintegrate into a ramshackle embarrassment, while the FAI talked
big; bluffed bigger and ultimately did nothing.

Luckily for both the IRFU and the FAI, the Government came to their
rescue with a major cash injection to redevelop a 50,000-seater
Lansdowne Road at a cost far in excess of the 82,500-seater Croke Park.

Pride

The GAA has made mistakes and continues to do so, but it can begin its
125th year with a sense of satisfaction that the fundamentals have
generally been right. Once that's the case there's always hope,
especially when it's based on local pride and identity.

The GAA has been an integral part of an Ireland that has changed beyond
recognition over the years. Most of it was for the better, although the
less savoury sides of Irish life over the last 10-15 years undid some of
the good.

Ireland is now facing a new reality, one where if you believed the
pessimists you wouldn't get up in the morning. It's at a time like this
that the GAA can play a crucial role in lifting the nation's spirit,
just as it has done over many years.

What is more, the GAA's achievement in getting communities to unite in
pursuit of a common goal remains a template which, as Cusack identified
125 years ago, is vital for the development of courage and endurance.
How those qualities are required now.

Enjoy the games -- they will brighten up your year irrespective of
what's happening elsewhere

 
 
Kildare’s National League Fixtures for 2009.

Kildare kick off their Division 2, 2009 League campaign  on Sunday February 1st, away to Laois at 2-30pm  On Sunday, Feb 15th, Kildare are host to Cork; Sunday, March 8th, Leinster finalists Wexford will be in St. Conleth's Park; March, 15th, Kildare are away to Monaghan;  Sunday March 22nd,  Kildare are at home to Armagh; Sunday March 29th, away to Fermanagh; and Sunday, April 12th away to Meath in the final league game. For those supporters planning the annual away trip the game against Fermanagh looks like the likely one.

O’Byrne Cup. Kildare 1-10 Meath 1-8

 Kildare have qualified for the O’Byrne Cup semi-final after an excellent second half performance against Meath which saw them turn around a five point deficit into a two point win.The semi final will be in St Conleth’s Park against DCU next Sunday at 2pm.

Sarsfields Fundraising Draw.

 

Tickets are still available  for the club’s fundraising draw priced at €60 or two for €100. The draw will take place in the Clubhouse on Saturday January31st. 1st prize is a Fiat Punto, 2nd prize a €3,500 Holiday Voucher, 3rd prize a 46” Flatscreen TV and 4th prize of €1000 cash..

More Stupid Quotes.

Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager

I think 'immoral' is probably the wrong word to use...I prefer the word 'unethical.'
Ivan Boesky, inside stock trader

“All I was doing was appealing for an endorsement, not suggesting you endorse it.”
George Bush, soon to be ex US President

Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.
Doug Collins, basketball commentator

We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement.
Richard J. Daley, Chicago Mayor

Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.
Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst`

Ordinary rape and murder just doesn't make it anymore. It's much better to have ultra-violence, chainsaw massacres, X-rated Draculas, and continents sinking into the sea with the entire population lost, at the very least.
Jon Davidson, advertising executive at New World Pictures, on what makes a good movie

You will find it a distinct help if you know and look as if you know what you are doing.
American Internal Revenue Service(IRS) Training Manual for tax auditors

Please provide the date of your death.
From an IRS letter

All of the Mets' away wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium. (Mets home stadium)
Ralph Kiner, NY Sports commentator

The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

Strange/Bizzare/Quirkie News.

Bungling cops arrest each other

Berlin police officers arrested each other as robbers made off with the cash after holding up an off licence.

Two crooks threatened a female employee with a machete at the cash-and-carry selling booze in the city's Charlottenburg-Wilmersdorf district.

When the woman opened the till and handed over €5,000, the shop's silent alarm went off.

Plain-clothes policemen arrived at the store minutes later but ended up being arrested when uniformed officers stormed in seconds afterwards.

The crooks escaped and police have issued an apology over the mix-up.

Manager of the off-licence Heinz Huber said: 'We all thought the uniformed police had caught the crooks and when the plain-clothes cops tried to tell them who they were, the uniformed police told them to keep quiet.

'It was only when one of the uniformed officers recognised one of the plain-clothes cops that they realised what had happened.

'They knew they had made fools of themselves and the real thieves were long gone.'

Armed robber tried to pay off overdraft

An armed robber was arrested after he held up a bank - and returned minutes later to pay off his overdraft.

The man ran into the Kredi Bank in the Serbian ski resort Nova Varos wearing a balaclava and brandishing a shotgun and demanded tellers hand over all the cash they had.

He got the equivalent of £30,000 in cash and then ran out of the bank.

Staff were still recovering from the shock of the robbery when Grlic, this time without his balaclava, walked back in to settle his overdraft.

Sharp-eyed staff recognised the distinctive trainers he'd been wearing and called police.

A police spokesman said: 'The man had been wearing bright red trainers and everyone remembered them distinctly when they saw him run out of the bank.

'They could not believe their eyes when they saw a man wearing the same shoes come back in and kept him in the bank talking about his overdraft while our officers arrived.'

The man, aged 33, has now been charged with armed robbery.

Surgeon demands kidney back from ex-wife

A New York surgeon who donated a kidney to his wife has gone to court to get it back after they split up.

Dr Richard Batista, 49, gave up the organ eight years ago when his wife Dawnell fell ill, reports the Daily Telegraph.

But he claims she repaid his kindness by having an affair before filing for divorce, and is demanding compensation for risking his life.

'There's no deeper pain you can ever express than to be betrayed by the person you devoted your life to,' he told reporters.

His lawyer Dominic Barbara said he wanted $1.5 million in compensation for the kidney as part of a matrimonial break-up which has dragged on for three years.

'In theory we are asking for the return of the kidney. Of course, he wouldn't really ask for that, but the value of it. This has never been done before in the State of New York,' said Mr Barbara.

Dr Batista volunteered to donate his kidney after he was found to be a suitable match.

'She was my wife. My first priority was to save her life and future of our children and hopefully with that in mind keep the marriage alive. To this day I would still do it again,' he said.

His wife survived but their relationship did not and the doctor claimed his wife had an affair before filing for divorce in 2005. Mrs Batista's lawyer has made no comment.

Legal experts said the case was unlikely to succeed because donating an organ is considered a gift and cannot be bought or sold.


Newspaper Headlines

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New

Vaccine May Contain Rabies

College Opens Doors to Hearing

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Include your Children When Baking Biscuits

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.

 

Sports Quirkies.

Temple built to cricketer

Indian cricket captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni is to be worshipped as a god after fans announced they're building a temple devoted to him.

A white marble statue of the sports star will be the centrepiece of the temple when work starts next month in his home town of Ranchi, eastern India.

Relief carvings of the player in action will also look down on disciples as they pay homage to his success in restoring the country's cricketing reputation.

'Dhoni is God to cricket and we have decided to construct a temple. He will be worshipped like other gods are worshipped in temples,' explained Jitendra Singh, president of Dhoni's fan club.

But Dhoni has doubts about being worshipped by his disciples: 'I love my fans but this is actually a little over the top,' he said.

Indian cricket historian and Oxford scholar Boria Mazumdar called the decision 'extreme passion'.

'To call it madness would be a simple way to dismiss it. But I think the act exemplifies what cricket means for India,' he added.

Dhoni has helped India win the inaugural World Cup in South Africa and a number of key home and away series against Australia and England.

The sponsor of China's national football team is demanding a rebate because of their poor performance in the Olympics.

Chinese footballers learn price of failure

The sponsor of China's national football team is demanding a rebate because of their poor performance in the Olympics.

Swiss company Infront Sports & Media is demanding a 10m yuan (£835,000) refund, reports Qianlong News.

'It's reasonable for us to raise the issue. The Chinese team was eliminated at the beginning of the group competition, which left our advertising and budget plans in a mess,' said a spokesman for the company.

If China's national team had managed to make the top ten, the company would have had two more matches to promote

'The request is really due to the team's poor performance,' added the spokesman.

The Chinese Football Association has kept a very low profile since the Beijing Olympics where the Chinese men's team was eliminated after scoring only one goal in three matches.

The CFA is remaining silent on the issue, but an insider was quoted as saying the request was being considered, although it was unlikely to agree to such a large refund.

Footballer's Facebook Foul-up

A footballer accidentally let slip his hopes for a transfer to a rival club - on his Facebook page.

Crystal Palace winger Ashley-Paul Robinson, 19, posted two messages on the website saying he was having a trial with Fulham.

But rather than restrict the news to his 198 pals, he mistakenly revealed it to 2.7 million people, reports The Sun.

Robinson, who has been at Palace five years, wrote on the website: 'Ashley-Paul is goin fulham. Fingers crossed.'

A Crystal Palace source said: 'It's pretty embarrassing for the club. Perhaps he should be a bit more private about what he puts on the internet.'

Team Banned after 54-1 Defeat

Football authorities have banned a whole team after they lost 54-1 in a promotion derby.

All 11 players in Germany's DJK Lowen II's first team have been suspended for a year after being accused of deliberately letting rivals Rheinkassell-Langel II win to gain promotion.

But Lowen have won at least one title after Cologne football authorities allowed the result to stand.

'They decided that Rheinkassell weren't involved directly in the cheating so they kept the points and Lowen is now officially the worst team ever in German league football,' said one fan.

Champs told to put a cork in it

Police have been branded killjoys after stopping a football team from celebrating their first trophy in 54 years with champagne.

Officers threatened to arrest East Fife players and officials if they didn't stop popping corks to celebrate winning the Scottish League Third Division title.

The players had been enjoying their moment with champagne on the terraces and sprayed bubbly on the jubilant fans on the pitch below.

But police stopped them in mid-flow at East Stirlingshire's ground, Firs Park, and insisted they uphold the law, reports Fife Today.

East Fife chairman Willie Gray said: 'The fact is we aren't Rangers or Celtic. You see them celebrating with Champagne all the time.

'The police came up to the stand and were rather heavy handed, threatening to arrest us if we didn't get rid of the Champagne.

'We had to take all the players back down to the dressing room even though they and the fans were loving it.'

A Central Scotland Police spokesman said: 'During the game officers became aware of the presence of glass bottles containing alcohol within the main stand.

'They spoke to members of the East Fife party and made them aware that the presence of alcohol and controlled containers within a designated sporting ground was contrary to the Criminal Law (Consolidation) Act 1995.

'The legislation is in place to ensure football matches and grounds are safe for fans and players alike and the aim of Central Scotland Police was to allow the fans and club officials and players to celebrate in safety.'

Britain's worst football team?

A Sunday league football team with two strikers weighing 38 stone between them haven't won a game for two years.

Staindrop Royal Oak's last victory was in January 2006, since then their record reads: Played 65, Lost 64, Drawn 1.

This season alone they have shipped 178 goals and scored only 17, reports The Sun.

Their 22st centre forward Lee Bailey, 22, said: 'Most weeks it's just a case of keeping the goals in single figures.'

Lee, 6ft 2in, and his strike partner, 16st six-footer Andrew 'Tank' Harwood, 23, have yet to hit the net this year.

Both lads prefer pie and chips to pasta or salad though Lee has 'cut down' from 15 to ten pints a night.

The team, from County Durham, lost their last match in Wear Valley Sunday League 15-2 and past thumpings include 17-1, 16-1 and 15-1.

Skipper Neil Hallimond, 28, said: 'Lee and Tank always give it their all and our spirit is fantastic. We'll keep going until our luck changes.'

True Story.

In 1810, Peter Durand invented the tin can for preserving food.  
 
All You Needed Was An Opener

Preserving food for any length of time in the late 1700s, was
something of a problem. Especially when it came to wars and long
marches for thousands of soldiers. So it came about that in
1795, a body known as the French Directory offered a prize of
12,000 pounds to anyone who could invent a way to preserve foods
to be eaten later.

Nicholas Appert, candle maker, vintner, pickle maker and jack-of-
all-trades, answered the call. If you could seal wine in
bottles, why not food? He would spend the next 15 years testing
scrapping and re-testing how to seal food in bottles with cork
stoppers. Eventually, he arrived at the conclusion that food
partially cooked, sealed in a bottle from which air was
withdrawn, and then the bottle heated, would deliver a safe, and
palatable product.

The final test was sending his goods on a four-month sea voyage
where 18 different kinds of food were found to be as good at the
end of the trip, as when they were 'jarred'. Napoleon himself
awarded the prize.

Not to be outdone, England flung down the same gauntlet. Peter
Durand seized up on the theory, if not the material, and made
his packing vessels out of tin plate, that were then iron coated
with tin to prevent rusting. King George III granted him a
patent, which Durand leased out to others who did the actual
work. Tin was lighter, easier to carry, and didn't break like
glass. It would soon be the boon of armies, and Artic
expeditions who were seeking the Northwest Passage. Although
ultimately, it is thought to have been at least partially
responsible for the deaths and loss of the Franklin Expedition
in 1847.

The first remains of the expedition were found in three frozen
graves in the early 1850s. Those same graves would be opened 130
years later and the bodies subjected to thorough post mortems,
which showed they all had extremely high levels of lead in their
bodies, from improperly sealed cans. The lead content would have
lead to sickness, madness and death.

Other evidence showing that the ships had become trapped in ice
and abandoned, causing many of the crew to starve or freeze, may
have been a result of a crew now incapable of running the
vessels. But nobody will ever know for sure.

  

True Story 2.

As Deadly As The Real Thing

Following directions off the Internet and chemicals obtained
from a mail order company, a team of U.S. scientists created an
identical copy of the polio virus.  
 
 Most replicas of living organisms, are not functional, simply
because they lack the same genome sequences to act and react as
the original did. That can't be said about a synthetic polio
virus developed in 2002, which stirred fears worldwide, of bio
terrorism.

Using directions found on the Internet, along with gene
sequences they purchased from a mail order supplier, a team of
scientists were able to replicate the structure of the original
polio virus, which until recently, was thought to have been
nearly eradicated.

The virus appeared identical in every way, but there was
controversy over whether it was 'live', or capable of
functioning as a pathogenic virus. The scientists then took
their product and injected it into laboratory mice, who became
paralyzed and died.

The results of the study were published in the online journal
Science Express in July of 2002. At that time, the researchers
who developed the synthetic polio virus emphasized that it is
one of the simpler forms of viruses, and that there were very
few people in the world, who would have the knowledge and
expertise to attempt reproducing of other more complex forms.

Smallpox remained the primary concern, but as noted at the time,
it's genomic sequence is 25 times the length of polio's, and
while theoretically it is possible to duplicate, it would not
likely be accomplished in the near future. Health organizations
used the development to stress that it was necessary to continue
vaccinating for diseases such as polio, even though they may not
currently exist in a given country.

True Story 3

Going With The Flow

The Tonle Sap River in Cambodia flows north for almost half the
year and then south for the rest of the year.  
Humans are used to getting things backwards. But a few things in
Nature go backwards all by themselves, and for perfectly good
reasons. The Mississippi River in America flowed backwards after
an 1811 earthquake. The Reversing Falls in Saint John, New
Brunswick in Canada, also flows backwards twice a day, as the
tide comes in and out at the edge of the ocean. And in Cambodia,
the same phenomenon occurs every year, in the river that leads
to Southeast Asia's largest freshwater lake.

The Tonle Sap is actually a combined lake and river system, with
the lake portion measuring some 2700 sq. km., and about a meter
in depth for most of the season. But as with many things during
the monsoons, all that changes, much to the benefit of millions
of people.

With the continuous rains swelling the Mekong River to which the
Tonle Sap connects, the flow is actually reversed, and instead

of water trickling out of Tonle Sap, it rushes in and increases
the size of the lake to 16,000 sq. km. and nine meters in depth.
The increased water flow brings fish and creates the perfect
spawning environment, which means a fishing industry that
supports over three million people. This single body of water is
responsible for 75% of the fish caught inland, in Cambodia, and
constitutes 60% of the protein taken in by the country's
residents.

In addition, the rich silt brought in by the Mekong, fertilizes
the banks of the Tonle Sap over which it flows, leaving
fertilized ground for growing crops when the water's flow
reverses, and the fish retreat to the Mekong.

 
Humour

Sky Dive

A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor
and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out
of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then
explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so
that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was
ready.

The time came to have the redneck jump from the airplane. The
instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind
him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after
being in the air for a few seconds pulled the ripcord. The
instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor
pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The
instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted
past the redneck.

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his
parachute, 'So you wanna race, huh?'

The World's Dumbest

Sometimes Dreams Come True

After sitting around discussing what it would be like to get
shot, two cousins in Plymouth, Wisconsin, convinced a relative
to shoot each of them in the leg, which he did.  Now they are
fulfilled, albeit, in jail.

This Bud's For You

In a homemade coffin, which he strapped to the roof of his car,
a British man took his dead brother to the pub for a final send-off.  
He says he told his brother what he had planed for him when he
died and his brother said, 'What do I care? I'll be dead.' 'Ted
would have loved it. He loved a drink and a joke. I just wish he
could have seen the looks we were getting,' said the dead man's
brother.


Cat Scan

 A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.  She put her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, 'I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away.' The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure?’ “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,' he replied. 'How can you be so sure,' she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma.' The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, returning a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on its hind legs, put its front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few  moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.' Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '£150!', she cried, '£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!! 'The vet shrugged. 'I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now £150.00.'

 

Always Read the Small Adverts Column

· Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast

· Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

· Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

· Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

· Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

· Now is your chance to have your ears pierced. Get an extra pair to take home.

· For Sale. Three canaries of undermined gender.

· Sytle - our name says it all
(See small ad opposite)

· Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

· For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

· We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

· Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

· Great Dames for sale.

· Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

· Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

· For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

· Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

· Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

· A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. (See picture opposite)

· Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

· If you think You've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

· Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

 

 Bizarre Labels

Peanuts - May contain nuts.

Puma shoe box - Average Contents: 2
International Yacht Varnish - Not suitable for marine use.  
 
Birthday Card for a 2 year old - Not suitable for children under 3.

Superman outfit - Does not enable wearer to fly.

Child's Scooter - This product moves when used.

Meat Product - Oven ready half-wild rabbit.

Mozzarella salad bagel. - Keep refrigerated ...
avoid the fridge.

Sleeping Pills - Warning, may cause drowsiness.

2) Shop Window Advert
 Cleaner Lady Wanted.

 

 Hospital Lecture 

A hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses .

'The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'

Headturner

There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The
driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or
any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, 'I can't
drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest.'

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on
backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were
driving down the road and they came around this curb and
wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told
them what happened.

The police asked him, 'Are either of them showing any life
signs?'

The farmer then said, 'Well, that first one was 'til I turned
his head around the right way.'

 

 

 

 


 

 




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