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Sarsfields Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Tuesday September 9th 2008

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.

 

Kildare Nationalist SFC Round 3: Sarsfields 0-11 Ellistown 1-6

Sarsfields have qualified for the quarterfinal of the Championship after narrowly beating Ellistown on Sunday night. The win was courtesy of their first half performance when they played their best football to date in the Championship. Pauric Brennan had Sarsfields two up within five minutes with two excellent points. Gary white scored two frees form 40 metres. Further points from John Geraghty and Alan Smith left Sarsfields with a commanding 8-2 halftime lead.

However in the second half it all began to go wrong for the Sash particularly after midfielder Michael Beegam went off injured. Although dominating the second half Sarsfields  were unable to score and when Ellistown scored two points in a minute it looked ominous for Sarsfields. Sarsfields rallied with a point from John Geraghty but a couple of minutes later Ellistown were right back in the game when a defensive error allowed Ellistown swoop for a goal. With Sarsfields hanging on  at 0-10 to 1-5 Ellistown tore through the heart of the Sarsfields and narrowly missed a goal chance that appeared easier to score than miss. Due to the stop start nature of the second half between injuries and over fussy referring Sarsfields supporters had to endure an agonising seven minutes of injury time as Ellistown sensing that the Sarsfields defence was vulnerable, kicked the high ball in the hope of getting the goal that would put them through to the quarterfinal and leave Sarsfields depending on other results to qualify. In a nail biting finish the Sarsfields defence stood firm and  relief at surviving was the chief emotion at the final whistle rather than any sense of celebration.

 

Another win in the senior B Championship

The senior B team had a one point win 0-10 to 1-6 over Leixlip last night. With two wins under their belt they have qualified for the Quarterfinals. Well done to the team and to manager Doc O’Connell and his management team of Paddy Scales and Ian McLoughlin.

 

Disco

 An Underage Disco will be held  this Friday the 12th, supervisors required to help out. Please contact  Lisa McConnell (0857382043) if you are available to help.

 

 

 

Humiliation Purges Sins of McCarthy Knifing

 TOM HUMPHRIES LOCKER ROOM : Irish Times Monday.

Waterford's harsh treatment of their former manager came back to haunt them on the big day

CAR CRASH hurling. We looked at poor Waterford yesterday as they became the fall guys to history and at first we winced and turned away. No team deserves public dismantlement in the way that Waterford were laid bare yesterday.

This was Waterford's big day out, their first All-Ireland final since JFK was president and going about his business without any phobias about driving in downtown Dallas. Waterford were just as blasé yesterday.

Kilkenny offered Waterford the compliment of their cold, unblinking excellence, and Waterford had no answers. Perhaps no team could have summoned an eloquent riposte under the circumstances.

It was hard to watch, and for those Waterford players who have illuminated hurling for the better part of a decade we had hoped for more. You journey for all your adult life to the Promised Land and then find the environment too hot to live in. You realise that the epic nature of your failure is not what you will be recalled for. People will remember this fruitless desolate end, not the journey itself. . .

It can't be easy. You'd like anyone to remember their All-Ireland afternoon a little more fondly than Waterford will remember yesterday.

On the other hand, karma has a habit of hiding behind the next tree with a baseball bat behind its back and an evil grin hung between its chops. Yesterday karma stepped out and took a few big swings at poor oul Waterford. Karma left a calling card on the chest of its victim. The Winners Get to Write History. When Big Dan was taken off with a few minutes left yesterday there was nobody swerving to avoid the consoling hand of his manager. There was just nothing left to be said. Dan's public avoidance of Justin McCarthy's outstretched paw on the Ennis Road back at the start of summer had been the first surface sign of trouble in the paradise of the Déise. Yesterday ended the great adventure that has been 10 years of Waterford's striving. There will be regrets and recriminations now that the dust has settled.

Justin McCarthy was not without his detractors. There were those who said that whatever Justin did was all about Justin. (The same brick could be pegged at Davy Fitz, by the way.) But whatever Justin did, it worked for Waterford. It didn't always work, but it worked well enough and often enough for McCarthy to have deserved better than the treatment he got earlier this year after some of his players lay down and died against Clare.

Yesterday, at his press conference in the GAA's rather sterile and atmosphere-free underground media facility, Davy Fitz (with, bizarrely, a muted episode of The Simpsons playing behind him on two big screens) spoke about his position and how there were probably a few fellas with baseball bats lying in wait to give him a beating this morning. He is probably right. Davy himself didn't come well out of the Tony Considine business in Clare last year and bad blood will out.

The winners write the history. For Waterford and Davy this summer's wedding was a marriage of mutual convenience which carried too many bad auguries about it for love to blossom as it it did years ago with, say, Michael Bond and Offaly.

We thought when they made Justin walk Spanish down the hall that no good would come of it. Waterford started winning again though, and for a while we thought we were wrong and we were happy enough to be so.

Waterford needed an All-Ireland just as much as hurling needed Waterford to win one. The shafting of Justin McCarthy seemed to have brought its own reward as Davy Fitz's team faced a graduated series of challenges and ended up in an All-Ireland final.

So be it, we said. Waterford had a new voice in the dressingroom and when it comes to dressingroom sounds a change is often as good as a rest. Success would justify everything. Wouldn't it? It wasn't to be.

Waterford faced one of the greatest sides of all time yesterday and there was no shame in having lost. It is hard to imagine any team living with Kilkenny in the first 35 minutes of yesterday's game. Yet to lose by 23 points? To concede 33 scores? To be beaten more comprehensively than even Limerick 12 months ago? These things were unthinkable yesterday at 3:29pm.

Kilkenny got to write the history. Meanwhile, Waterford's summer will be the subject of an autopsy.

For Kilkenny, the routing of their neighbours won't have cost them a thought. And rightly so. The respect between hurlers is taken for granted and Kilkenny's respect for Waterford was shown in the ferocity of their commitment and the breadth of their excellence. Kilkenny wanted to score point number 31 as much as they had wanted to score point number 30 and point number one. They never condescended to Waterford but did unto them what they knew Waterford would do unto others if they got a chance.

In the end, Brian Cody was carried shoulder-high around the field in Croke Park, a great loopy grin on his face, his hat barely surviving on his head. He looked uneasy with the adulation and one wondered if he was thinking to himself that it was almost 20 years ago to the day that he was being barracked by some halfwits at home on the occasion of Kilkenny's homecoming after a less happy All-Ireland final.

What goes around comes around. Cody, like Justin McCarthy and like most managers, has his detractors. He resents the charge of ruthlessness, which is unfortunate because that is the charge most often laid at his door. His defence would be that anything that is done for the team and for the collective effort can scarcely be ruthless. It just fell to be his lot that he is the one who has to do these things, make the calls, drop the men, hear the tears.

Waterford would argue that in getting rid of their mentor they were merely being ruthless in the style established for top-level sport. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. But the Justin McCarthy business left a lingering sourness which only an All-Ireland win could have banished satisfactorily.

Waterford got to their final after all these years. They did so without the mentor who did the most to get them there, the man who made hurlers out of players most counties would have discarded. And they lost by 23 points - a statistic that will haunt the county more eerily than the gap of 45 years since their last All-Ireland final appearance.

This morning when they wake to the realisation this hurling world is Kilkenny's and we all just live in it, will they feel Waterford hurling is farther along the line than it was any time during the McCarthy era? Or will Waterford hurling be digging in for a recession?

We don't know and it will be next spring before we care again. The cast and crew in Waterford will be different by then and they will be starting from year zero. They will begin again, as will any other serious hurling county hoping to challenge Kilkenny.



For Waterford, this will be a year to forget. In a funny way, yesterday's humiliation purged the sins of the McCarthy knifing. The hurling summer unfolded like a many-layered morality play and Waterford at the end lay centre stage, bleeding from their scattershot wounds. It was hard to watch but it feels okay this morning to go back to loving them .

As for Kilkenny. They get to not just write the history but to own it too. And not a voice in the house can begrudge them. Hand them 15 All Stars and be done with the year.


On RTE: The Sunday Game Live Fixtures

 

 

Sept 14 All Ireland Senior Camogie Final

Sept 21 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football

Championship Finals

 

Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming week.

Sarsfields have qualified for the Championship Quarter finals by beating Ellistown on Sunday night. The other seven Qualifiers are Moorfield, Celbridge, Round Towers, Confey, Allenwood, Carbury and St Laurence’s. The draw will be made during the week and the quarter finals will take place on the weekend of 20th/21st September. See table below for the final placings.The teams in the relegation playoff are Athy, Leixlip, Clane, Maynooth,  Kilcock, Suncroft, Ellistown and Naas. The relegation draw was made on Sunday night and is as follows: Clane V Kilcock, Maynoth V Leixlip, Ellistown V Suncroft, Athy v Naas. After the the series of relegation playoffs one team will be relegated to intermediate to be replaced in the senior championship by this year’s intermediate champions.

 Tuesday September 9th Junior B championship: Sarsfields V Two Mile House in Kilcullen at 6.45pm. Junior C Championship At Milltown Sarsfields V Raheens at 6.45. On Wednesday 10th September  U14 A Shield quarterfinal the winners of Sarsfields/Kilcullen v  Naas away. U14 B Shield Quarterfinal Sarsfields V Ballykelly in Sarsfields Park. Thursday 11th September  U16B  Sarsfields vNurney . On Saturday 13th  U14A Shield Final Naas/Winner (Kilcullen V Sarsfields) V Raheens/Leixlip  at 2pm.  U14 B shield Final Sarsfields B/Ballykelly V Naas B/Nurney at 11am. Sunday September 14th  MFC quarterfinal Sarsfields V Clane  in Raheens at 3pm. Please come out and support them. Both U14 teams will be in action on Sunday morning at 11am. The A team are at home to Ballykelly and the B team are away to Robertstown.

                                   

 

 

 

Kildare Nationalist

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Senior Football Championship 2008

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Score

 

Played

Won

Drew

Lost

Points

For

Against

Diff

Moorefield

3

3

0

0

6

69

25

44

Celbridge

3

3

0

0

6

44

27

17

St Laurences

3

3

0

0

6

42

31

11

Sarsfields

3

2

1

0

5

31

24

7

Round Towers

3

1

2

0

4

36

33

3

Confey

3

2

0

1

4

36

42

-6

Allenwood

3

1

1

1

3

43

29

14

Carbury

3

1

1

1

3

42

44

-2

Leixlip

3

1

1

1

3

27

29

-2

Athy

3

1

0

2

2

32

38

-6

Ellistown

3

1

0

2

2

29

37

-8

Naas

3

1

0

2

2

34

46

-12

Kilcock

3

1

0

2

2

28

46

-18

Suncroft

3

0

0

3

0

31

39

-8

Clane

3

0

0

3

0

33

41

-8

Maynooth

3

0

0

3

0

23

49

-26

 

Coaches Corner

Developing Concentration:

Importance of concentration:

It is important that mental aspects of a player’s performance and progress should not be ignored. Developing mental stamina, particularly through improved focus and

concentration, should not be relegated as subordinate to technical skill acquisition or

physical fitness.

If one concedes legitimacy in the maxim “work smarter, not harder” developing

concentration may be one of the most beneficial exercises employed by the coach. Is this

not, however, overstating the case? Well, let us consider that when a player loses

concentration it cannot be compensated for with skill or talent, no matter how great.

Looked at from this perspective, it should be suggested that it is necessary that the mental

aspects of coaching should not be overlooked and that, furthermore, it should be an

integral component of the learning process of the young throughout their early

development.

Activities which promote concentration:

Small sided games should be employed in order to maximize players’ concentration. The

reason is because the mental aspects of the game are duplicated in small sided games,

which training drills and exercises fail to reproduce.

Small sided games develop elements such as competition, co-operation and transition.

Such exercises possess the potential to create the level of intensity necessary to focus the

mind and hold attention.

 

Sports Hydration – how best to go about avoiding cramp

Hydration is one of the key areas where nutrition can have a direct impact on

performance.

There is good evidence that players who become dehydrated are more

susceptible to the negative effects of fatigue, including loss of performance and

increased risk of injury. There is also growing evidence that excessive sweat

losses, especially high salt losses, can be a factor in some of the muscle cramps

that affect players in training and competition.

Recently, however, a number of clubs have recognized that hydration is

important and that no single strategy suits all players in all environments. This

has led to an assessment of individual needs so that a personal drinking strategy

can be put in place.

In Football Peformance: how to raise your game we share details of a simple

fluid loss monitoring strategy any club coach or player can put into practice for

themselves – no fancy or expensive equipment is needed And we help you

identify which are the players who excrete high levels of salt – so you can put a

programme in place to allow for adequate sodium supplementation.

These simple steps can make a difference between being able to score that vital

goal in the last minute, and being a virtual spectator.

 

 

 

 

More Stupid Quotes

 

'I favor access to discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.'
- Ted Kenneday, US Senator

'That's inches away from being millimetre perfect.'
- Ted Lowe

'I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible.'
- Ted Turner, Media Mogul

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
- Terry Venables

Lawyer: 'Sir, what is your IQ?'
Defendant: '
Well, I can see pretty well, I think.'

- Testimony from court records

'He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.'
- Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,  John Jenkins

'Did people build this, or did Indians?'
- Tourist question at Mesa Verde National Park

'And as Mansell comes into the pits, he's quite literally sweating his eyeballs out.'
- BBC Sports coverage

'We didn't lose, we weren't beaten, we just came in second.'
- U.S. commentators, after Canadian Donavon Bailey won the 100 metre gold medal at the 1996 Olympics

'An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement.' - Irish Politician on RTE radio

'They are not jackbooted Nazi thugs. They are merely German policemen in spiffy uniforms here to help us.'
-  France’s Vichy government (1941 - 1945)

'We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.'
- Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player

'Solitude is a silent storm that breaks down all our dead  branches; yet it sends our living roots deeper into the living heart of the living earth.'
- Kahlil Gibran

'When I'm a blonde, I can say the world is purple, and they'll believe me because they weren't listening to me.'
- Kylie Bax, Model/Actress , in Stuff magazine.

Strange News

Glitch In Game Show Feeds Contestant Right Answers

A woman from Bangkok who was a contestant on 'Who Wants to be a
Millionaire?' won a million bahts for answering every single
question right on the show.  However, the woman, Lertrak
Panjanawaporn, 44, had all the right answers highlighted on her
screen because of a computer glitch that had occurred.  The show
organizers apologized because they had plugged in the wrong
cable into her computer.  She had to return the money and was
told she could play again.  She said she didn't mind and didn't
want them to get in trouble.  She played again and won 25,000
bahts instead by answering six questions correctly.

 

Australian Ski Resort Makes Snow From Sewage

Mount Buller Resort, an Australian ski resort, has reported that
it had been able to convert treated sewage into snow.  They also
claim that it is so clean that you can even eat it.  Officials
claim that they have the facilities to remove the bacteria and
viruses from waste produced by thousands of skiers.  It could be
a number of years before a full-scale filtering plant is built.

Customers Asked To Sign Before Eating
 
In Britain, there are some restaurants that now ask their
customers to sign disclaimer forms before eating because of the
scare of E-coli and salmonella poisoning.  Restaurants such as
Shoeless Joe's, and Planet Hollywood are some of the restaurants
that have asked customers to sign forms that give up their
rights to take legal action after eating items such as rare
hamburgers, minced beef and sausages.  This warning does not
apply to steak because steak only has bacteria on the outside,
which is killed of by cooking.  'I don't know where it will all
stop -- soon you might have to fill in a huge form before
setting foot in a restaurant,' said Egon Ronay, a restaurant
critic.

Top Ten Real Excerpts From Performance Evaluations

10. 'Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.'

9. 'Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.'

8. 'When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.'

7. 'He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.'

6. 'This young lady has delusions of adequacy.'

5. 'He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.'

4. 'This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.'

3. 'This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.'

2. 'His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.'

1        'I would not allow this employee to breed.'

A True Story. . . of Bungling Bureaucracy

In March, 1999 a man living in Kandos  in New South Wales received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

In April he received another bill and threw that one away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored the bill, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and posted them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all. A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called the hapless man and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process any cheques they had received from any of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking but convince them he did and they subsequently assisted him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day the man had been.
[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and
[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.

 

Marketing translations. . . More examples of problems when translating English.

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means 'bite the wax tadpole' or 'female horse stuffed with wax' depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, 'ko-kou-ko-le,' which can be loosely translated as 'happiness in the mouth.'

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan 'Come alive with the Pepsi Generation' came out as 'Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.'

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan 'finger-lickin' good' came out as 'eat your fingers off.'

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, 'Salem - Feeling Free,' got translated in the Japanese market into 'When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.'

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that 'no va' means 'it won't go.' After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say 'It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you.' However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word 'embarazar' meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that 'It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.'

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired 'I Saw the Pope' in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed 'I Saw the Potato.'

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

 

Humour

Heaven's Clock

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a HUGE wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, 'What are the reasons for all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said Hillary, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie in all her long life.'

'And whose clock is that?', said Hillary.

'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Bill's clock?' Hillary asked.

'Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

Native American Ears

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak...'woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.'

'That's amazing' exclaimed the father.

'You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground'?

'No', said the old tribesman. 'They just ran over me five minutes ago'!

Religious battle golf

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. 'Your holiness,' said one of the Cardinals, 'Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.' The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

'Not to worry,' said the Cardinal, 'we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!' Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. 'I came in second, your Holiness,' said Nicklaus.

'Second?!!' exclaimed the surprised Pope. 'You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!'

'No,' said Nicklaus, 'second to Rabbi Woods.'

The HR E-mail

e-mail one
Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader

e-mail two
Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader

More  Courtroom exchanges

Lawyer's question: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness's answer: Not yet.

Lawyer's Qustion: ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
Defendant: The victim lived.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Fowler
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Fowler). Derek, for goodness sake, tell them your first name.

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: What is your name?
A: Geraldine McNally
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Welsh Farmer and the English Tourist

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields. Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man, 'Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!' [Don't drink the water. It's disgusting!]

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer, 'Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!’ [Don't drink. Water's disgusting. Sheep poo in the water.]

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said again, 'Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!'. [Water's disgusting. Don't drink it!]

'I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I can't understand a word you say dear boy!  Can't you speak English?' said the man at the stream in a splendid English accent

'Oh I see', said the farmer, 'I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get more in........ !

Welsh Films

·         The Wizard of Oswestry

·         Trefforest Gump

·         Independence Dai

·         Haverfordwest Was Won

·         Cool Hand Look-you

·         Dial M For Merthyr

·         The Bridge on the River Wye

·         Breakfast at Taffynys

·         Look You Back in Bangor

·         A Fishguard Called Rhondda

 

Brain Teaser #1

A handy one to get you warmed up

A 30 year old man married a 25 year old woman. She died at age 50
and her husband was so devastated that he cried for years. Ten

years after he stopped crying, he died. If he had lived to be 80,

how many years was he a widower?

 

Brain Teaser #2

If Susan is 10, Arabella is 20, and Jim and Neal are both 5, but 
Richard is 10, how much is Jennifer by the same system?

 

Brain Teaser #3

If 2 hours ago it was as long after one o'clock in the 
afternoon as it was before one o'clock in the morning. What time 
would it be now?

Answers next week. You can e-mail your answers to the address below and those with the correct answer(s) will have their names published so everyone can see how brainy they are.

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