THE SASH May 20th 2008
The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.
Kildare Senior Football Championship Draw.
In the Kildare Nationalist Senior Football Championship draw held in the offices of the Nationalist this morning the Sash have drawn Suncroft in the new format open draw. The games will be played on the weekend of July 5th/6th. There will be two further open draws held and after the series is finished the top eight teams will go into another open draw for the quarter finals while the bottom eight will fight it out for survival in the relegation zone. The full draw is as follows.
Sarsfields V Suncroft
Moorefield V Maynooth
Athy V Confey
St. Laurence’s V Naas
Leixlip v Kilcock
Celbridge V Ellistown
Round Towers v Allenwood
Clane v Carbury
SFL SAT May 17th: Sarsfields 0-15 Rathangan 1-11
By Liam Moore
The only goal of this enthralling Leader Cup game, played at Rathangan on Saturday evening, arrived too late for a determined home team and Sarsfields survived by the minimum, to bag two valuable points.
Playing with a strong breeze in the opening half, Sarsfields played open constructive football. With the experienced Padraig Brennan and Paddy Campbell playing central roles, flanked by four young players from the U21 championship winning team, the Sash forwards worked some great scores.
First of the mark was the experienced Brennan from a trade- mark free. This was followed by fine efforts from Conor Tiernan and Eoin O Sullivan. Rathangan replied with two points from Brian Mullally and Davy Connell.
The rest of the half belonged to the Sash. They reeled of six unanswered points, four coming from the ever-reliable boot of Padraig Brennan, with Eoin O Sullivan (0-2) and Ciaran Dempsey accounting for the remainder. Dave Donnelly got the last score of the half for the home side to leave the Sash ahead at half time on a score line of 0-10 to 0-3.
Rathangan commenced the second half brightly and scored twice through the two Brians, Flood and Mullally. While Padraig Brennan replied for Sarsfields with a point, Flood and Mullally were proving a handful for Sarsfields central defenders. Flood in particular created danger in around the Sarsfields square.
Two points from Brian Mullally and Dave Donnelly reduced the deficit to four. While Padraig Brennan increased the Sash advantage to five points, Mullally stepped up to the mark yet again with two further scores to leave just a goal between the teams.
However, Sarsfields replied with three points from Ciaran Dempsey and two further scores from Brennan. Even though Flood and Mullally scored two late points for Rathangan, the points seemed destined for Sarsfields. When Dave Connell got Rathangan’s late late goal we wondered could there be another twist in this game. Alas, the whistle was blown on the kick out and Sarsfields just about deserved their victory.
Best for Sarsfields were Padraig Brennan, Ciaran Dempsey, Niall Hedderman, while Brian Flood, Brian Mullally and Eamonn Fitzpatrick stood out for Rathangan.
Sarsfields: Gavin Slicker, Steve Usher, Martin Dunne, Conor Duffy, Niall Hedderman, John Kavanagh, Robbie Confrey, Ciaran Dempsey, Michael Beegan, Conor Tiernan (0-1), Padraig Brennan (0-9), Eoin O Sullivan (0-2), John Geraghty, Paddy Campbell (0-1), Keith Harvey. Subs. Ray Cahill, Robert Murphey, Keith Brown.
Rathangan, Joe Lester, Dave Tyrrell, John Mulpeter, Niall Brouder, Tom Power, Eamonn Fitzpatrick, Joe O Loughlin, Dermot Donoghue, Michael Kennedy, Eoin Kennedy, Brian Mullally( 0-5), Tom Kennedy, Dave Connell (1-1), Brian Flood (0-3), Dave Donnelly(0-2). Subs. David Dunne, Mark Cassidy.
TV3 ANNOUNCES GAA LINE UP FOR THE 2008 CHAMPIONSHIP SEASON
Matt Cooper to Present live matches & new midweek GAA magazine show
All-Ireland winners Peter Canavan, Jamesie O’Connor and Joe Kernan part of
analysis team
TV3 to broadcast 10 live matches from June 1 including 3 provincial finals
TV3 launch midweek magazine show ‘Championship Throw In’
TV3 today announced its GAA line up for the forthcoming season. All live m
atches will be hosted by Matt Cooper. Matt will be joined in studio by thr
ee expert panellists for each match including Peter Canavan, Eugene McGee,
Senan Connell, Paul Earley, Daithí Regan, Joe Kernan, David Brady, Liam H
ayes, Jamesie O’Connor, Nicky English and Liam Griffin.
TV3’s championship team will include, commentators Mike Finnerty and Trevor
Welch, while TV3’s Gaelic Games correspondent Kieran McSweeney and TV3’s s
ports reporter Sinead Kissane, will be transmitting the atmosphere of the o
ccasion and getting the views from the players and the fans.
In addition to the live coverage, TV3 will broadcast a new Thursday prime t
ime magazine show ‘Championship Throw In’ from May 29th. The weekly show w
ill provide the first word on the weekend’s Championship action.
Championship Live begins on TV3 at 1pm on June 1st with the opening round o
f the Munster Hurling Championship as Clare and Waterford go head to head i
n Limerick.
Commenting at the launch today David McRedmond, TV3 CEO said:
‘Today marks a coming of age for TV3 in its 10th year to become a broadcast
partner of the GAA. Showing the national game is essential for a national
broadcaster and we are immensely grateful to all at the GAA for making this
happen.’
Commenting on TV3’s live matches, Nickey Brennan, GAA President said:
‘We are delighted to have TV3 on board as a broadcast partner and look forw
ard to working with them. I wish all those involved in the match productio
ns all the very best for the Championship season. The 2008 Championship se
ason offers plenty of opportunities, surprises and perhaps for some, heart
break.’
On their production for TV3’s live matches, Ciarán Ó hEadhra, Series Pr
oducer said:
‘We’ve assembled a first class team of experts, a brilliant production team
and there are some very exciting games ahead of us this summer. We’re part
icularly happy to have three Provincial Finals in July and we know that wit
h the passion the fans and the players have for Gaelic Games this will make
for a very entertaining first season of GAA on TV3.’
TV3 Championship Live Presenter Matt Cooper said:
‘I am thrilled to have the chance to present Championship Live on TV3 and t
o represent hundreds and thousands of fans across the country by getting th
e views and the opinions of people who are not just fans, but know what is
going on because they have done it themselves at the highest levels. When
they talk, people will listen and it will add to everyone’s enjoyment of th
e games.’
TV3 GAA Fixtures
Date Match Competition
1/6/2008 Clare v Waterford MSHC R1
8/6/2008 Dublin v Louth LSFC R1
22/6/2008 Kildare/Wicklow/Laois v Meath/Carlow/Wexford LSFC S/F
29/6/2008 Offaly/Longford/Westmeath v Dublin/Louth LSFC S/F
6/7/2008 Leinster Hurling Final LSHC
13/7/2008 Connacht Football Final CSFC
19/7/2008 Round 1 Qualifiers AIFC
20/7/2008 Ulster Football Final USFC
26/7/2008 Round 2 Qualifiers AIFC
2/8/2008 Round 3 Qualifiers AIFC
Matt Cooper (Presenter)
Live match presenter Matt Cooper’s regular day job is as presenter of The L
ast Word radio programme on Today FM each weekday between 4.30pm and 7pm.
It was the top-rated programme in its time slot in 2007 and includes substa
ntial sports sections on Monday and Friday that include extensive GAA cover
age with a panel of football and hurling experts. Matt’s interest in GAA g
oes back to his childhood, as a footballer and hurler with the Bishopstown
club in Cork up to and including minor level. He was schooled at Cork’s fa
mous hurling academy, the North Mon. He is an experienced TV sports presen
ter and a former newspaper editor. He will also host TV3’s weekly magazine
programme ‘Championship Throw In’ each Thursday evening.
Mike Finnerty (Commentator)
Mike Finnerty, a native of Ballinrobe, Co Mayo, has worked as a GAA comment
ator with Mid West Radio since 1993 and has been their Chief GAA commentato
r since 1998. He has worked as a Gaelic football commentator with Setanta S
ports since June 2004 and has been their primary commentator on live GAA si
nce January 2007. He graduated with a Bachelor of Arts from NUI, Galway in
1998, has worked with The Mayo News in Westport since 1999 and has been Spo
rts Editor there since May, 2004.
Trevor Welch (Commentator)
Trevor Welch is a familiar face to TV3 viewers and a widely respected Sport
s journalist and broadcaster. Trevor presents the nightly Sports Tonight pr
ogramme on TV3. He joined TV3 having spent ten years with Irish Multi-Chann
el TV where he presented and edited the channel’s hugely popular ‘Sportsnig
ht’ show. Trevor is a veteran commentator on national league matches and C
ounty championships. He also played hurling for St. Finbars in Cork.
Peter Canavan (Panellist)
Peter Canavan played for Tyrone for sixteen years winning two All-Irelands
and six All Stars. Affectionately known as Peter the Great he has been one
of the foremost personalities of recent GAA history. A teacher by professio
n, Canavan regularly contributes columns to Newspapers and has contributed
to Newstalk’s ‘Off the Ball’ and ‘The Last Word’ on Today FM.
Eugene McGee (Panellist)
A journalist by profession, Eugene McGee has managed both Offaly and Cavan
at Inter-County level leading the former to All-Ireland glory when they den
ied Kerry the five in a row in 1982. A columnist with the Irish Independent
and a regular contributor to ‘The Last Word’ on Today FM and ‘Off the Ball
‘ on Newstalk he has also worked as an analyst on Setanta Sports National l
eague coverage.
Senan Connell (Panellist)
Senan retired from Inter County football in 2006 having secured his third L
einster title with Dublin, the Grand prize of Sam Maguire having eluded him
. A teacher in St. Declans school in Cabra, he has become a recognised figu
re in media circles because of his tactical and technical expertise. Recent
ly he has worked as an analyst on Setanta Sports Allianz League and O’Byrne
Cup broadcasts.
David Brady (Panellist)
David has just retired in the last few weeks after 14 years as an Inter-Cou
nty player with Mayo. He has won a National League Medal with Mayo and a cl
ub All-Ireland with Ballina and has long been recognised as one of the most
articulate and outspoken personalities in the GAA. A former Youth Rugby In
ternational he has played under some of the best Managers in Gaelic Footbal
l.
Liam Hayes (Panellist)
Liam won two All-Ireland medals as a player with Meath and later served as
manager to Carlow. A journalist/Publisher by profession Liam has started an
d sold titles such as The Title and Ireland On Sunday. Liam now owns The Ga
zette Group of local newspapers. He writes a weekly football column for the
Sunday Tribune.
Jamesie O’Connor (Panellist)
Jamesie O’Connor was scorer in chief for the Clare team of the late 90s and
early part of the new millennium. His accuracy helped propel the banner co
unty from Munster also rans to double All-Ireland winners. Having retired i
n 2005 he now combines his position as a teacher at his Alma Mater the fame
d St. Flannans hurling nursery with print, radio and television work.
Nicky English (Panellist)
Nicky English was one of the most accomplished hurlers of his era winning t
wo Liam McCarthy Cups with Tipperary in 1989 and 1991. In fourteen years pl
aying with the county he scored 20 goals and 117 points in Championship hur
ling. In 1999 he took over as manager of the Tipp Senior team and led them
to their last All-Ireland title in 2001. A respected commentator on the gam
e he has made numerous contributions to Television and Radio programmes. He
is Chief Manager of Marketing and Sales with AIB Finance.
Joe Kernan (Panellist)
Joe was established as one of the greatest Armagh players ever when he had
his first spell in charge of Armagh as a manager, he did not have a great d
eal of success and returned to Crossmaglen as club manager. Since taking ov
er the Rangers he has had unprecedented success leading the club to All Ire
land’s and then Armagh to the Sam Maguire in 2002. He led Armagh to Ulster
Final Success in recent years and stood down as manager last year.
Liam Griffin (Panellist)
One of the most articulate, outspoken, hurling analysts of the last decade.
Best known as the man who led Wexford out of the wilderness in 1996 when t
hey won their only All Ireland of the last 40 years. A successful hotelier
by profession he writes a weekly column for The Sunday Tribune and is a reg
ular on ‘The Right Hook’ on Newstalk.
Daithí Regan (Panellist)
Daithí Regan won two All-Ireland medals with Offaly in 1994 and 1998 when
they pulled off two of the biggest upsets in hurling history. Since retiri
ng he has become a regular contributor to local and national newspapers and
his contributions to Newstalk’s ‘Off the Ball’ programme have become a mus
t for all hurling fans.
Paul Earley (Panellist)
Paul Earley is a former Roscommon Footballer who won Connacht Championships
in 1990 and 1991 as well as an All Star at full forward in 1985. One of th
e first Irish players to be recruited to Australian Rules he made one appea
rance with Melbourne in the AFL before returning home for family reasons. A
respected pundit, Paul has made regular contributions to Setanta Sports li
ve GAA output and weekly preview show. He is currently manager of Celbridge
in the Kildare Senior Football Championship.
Hurling: but not as you know it
Guinness Hurling Cubed
Leinster GAA News Press Release.
Guinness an official sponsor of the 2008 GAA All-Ireland Hurling Championship, will bring hurling off the pitch andinto specially built 3D Perspex cubes this summer.
Guinness Hurling Cubed will see teams of three players compete for either three minutes, or until three goals are scored “ in a blitz format at six venues around the country over the course of the summer months. Played with 21 hurleys and a soft touch sliotar, the game is a fast paced and exciting derivative of the real thing, which was developed by Guinness,with expert guidance from former Cork Manager Donal O’Grady.
Demonstrating the games multi-sport appeal at today’s launch in Hop
store 13 at St. James Gate were Reading and Irish International Stephen Hunt,
Arsenal and Irish International Emma Byrne, Leinster and Irish Rugby
International, Gordon Darcy, Gaelic Footballers Conal Keaney, Padraic
Joyce and Juliet Murphy as well as hurling sharp-shooters Dan Shanahan,
Sean Og O’hAilpin and Henry Shefflin
Speaking at the launch, Stephen Hunt said, I grew up in Waterford, so of
course I’ve always had a love for the game. Myself and the Irish lads at the club often have a puck around after training. But it’s hard to get
involved with the game if you can’t play at a certain level with
a club”
it’s like five-a-side soccer, where anyone can just join in for fun, so it’s great to see Guinness introducing the game to a whole new audience.
Sean Og O’hAilpin said, I think Guinness Hurling Cubed is a brilliant
innovation. It will really broaden the appeal of the game. So many people
have the view that unless you were born with a hurley in your hand, you
can’t play hurling, though I’d like to think that I’ve disproved that myth!
Guinness have taken some of the key skills involved in hurling and
developed a game that is both easy and fun to play. I think it is really
going to take off this summer.
I think this is fantastic idea, said Conal Keaney. Guinness Hurling
Cubed will really appeal to sports people all over the country. At first,
when you hear about the game, you think, no way am I going to be able to
play this, but really, you don’t have to have mastered all the skills of
hurling to get the hang of it pretty quickly. And I can tell you, I gave
Shefflin, Shanahan and Sean Og O’hAilpin a run for their money in that cube for
sure.”
Speaking at the launch earlier today, Guinness Brand Manager, Barry
Fitzpatrick said, We have been involved as title sponsors of the Hurling
Championship since 1995, and are delighted to remain involved in the new
sponsorship model this year. Our support for the game of hurling is as
passionate as ever, and we hope that this new initiative will engage and inspire people to look at hurling in a new way. The first Guinness Hurling Cubed event takes place in Galway from 26th to 28th June, followed by events in Cork, Limerick, Kilkenny, Waterford and Dublin.
On RTE: The Sunday Game Live Fixtures
May 25 Offaly v Laois (hurling) / Fermanagh v Monaghan
May 31 Kildare/Wicklow v Laois
June 1 Donegal v Derry
June 7 Longford/Westmeath v Offaly
June 8 Cork v Tipperary
June 14 Dublin/Westmeath v Wexford
June 15 Offaly/Laois v Kilkenny, Galway/Roscommon v New York/Leitrim
June 21 Fermanagh/Monaghan v Donegal/Derry
June 22 Limerick v Clare/Waterford
June 29 Tyrone/Down v Armagh/Antrim/Cavan
July 6 Munster Senior Football Championship Final
July 12 All Ireland Qualifiers
July 13 Munster Senior Hurling Championship Final
July 19 All Ireland Qualifiers
July 20 Leinster Senior Football Championship Final
July 26 All Ireland Qualifiers
July 27 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship Quarter-Finals
Aug 2/3/4 All Ireland Qualifiers
Aug 9 All Ireland Senior Football Championship Quarter-Finals
Aug 10 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship and Minor Hurling
Championship Semi-Finals
Aug 17 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship and Minor Hurling
Championship Semi-Finals
Aug 24 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football
Championship Semi-Finals
Aug 31 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football
Championship Semi-Finals
Sept 7 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship and Minor Hurling
Championship Finals
Sept 14 All Ireland Senior Camogie Final
Sept 21 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football
Championship Finals
Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming week.
The seniors will play Kilcock in Round 10 next Saturday in Sarsfields Park at 7pm. The senior B team will play Castlemitchell in Division 3 at 5pm also in Sarsfields Park. The boys U14 teams will play on Sunday morning next. The A team are away to St. Coca’s and the B team are home to Ballykelly.
Sarsfields website Lotto Promoter Required.
Sarsfields require club member for website lotto sales promotion. Candidate must be computer literate. Position might suit student with IT/ Marketing background. Commission based payment negotiable. Full training and support given. Anyone interested contact PRO Tony Ryan on 087-2767338 or tonyr06@eircom.net for more information.
GAA & Other Quotes
‘Its all over… Jeeeesus! The cigarettes are being lit here in the commentary box,. the lads are getting anxious, its a line ball down there to Clare and who’s to take it? Will ye put ’em out lads ye’ll feckin’ choke me.’
– Matthew McMahon, Clare FM, Munster Final 95.
‘Is the ref going to finally blow his whistle? …No, he’s going to blow his shaggin’ nose!’
– Radio Kilkenny, Kilkenny v Wexford National League match
‘A fan is someone who, if you have made an idiot of yourself on the pitch, doesn’t think you’ve done a permanent job.’
– Jack Lynch
The GAA player who played in front of 80,000 at the weekend will be teaching your children, selling you meat or fixing your drains on Monday morning. The soccer player who plays in front of 80,000 will be moaning about playing too many games and will be trying to sell you his personalised brand of leisure wear. www.Sheepstealers.ie
‘They had the hurling, and they had the heart. But why wouldn’t they, it’s bred into them with their mother’s milk!’ – Fan Larkin on hurling heritage in James Stephens.
‘Mark is my own flesh and blood. What father would not be hurt to hear cowardly and cruel comments directed at him from so-called Tyrone supporters?’ – Mickey Harte, Tyrone Manager.
‘My backside is good and hard at this stage. You know yourself going into these things that you’re going to fall at some stage along the way and you have to be prepared for that.’ – Liam Hayes prepares for life as an inter-county manager with Carlow.
‘We all have our ways of dealing with it. Mine might differ to Mick O’Dwyer’s – he’s a pioneer and I’m not, if you get my drift. I’ll put it this way, we certainly sat on a high stool a couple of nights deliberating.’ – John Maughan on how he spent the winter reflecting on Mayo’s 2004 All-Ireland final defeat, by eight points, to Kerry.
‘We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.’
– Vince Lombardi
‘Aren’t you interested in football?’
‘Only from an anthropological point of view.’
– Danny, observing a rugby match in ‘Flirting’
‘Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.’
– Henry Sanders
Jimmy Connors has unleashed his new tactic, the Early Grunt. Now he has taken to grunting loudly at the instant of hitting the ball instead of just afterwards… Since the grunt travels at the speed of sound, it arrives in the opponent’s court marginally before the ball does. Ordinary opponents try to hit the grunt. Borg was not fooled. Indeed he quickly developed a Swedish counter-grunt.
– Clive James, in ‘The Crystal Bucket’
Let’s talk about cricket. It is the world’s most mysterious game, and the world’s slowest. The commentators speak a language that appears to be English except that all the nouns mean something else. There is aimless running about in a way that makes baseball seem dangerously athletic… Leg before wicket! Well-bowled! Bowling is what they call pitching; the ‘pitch’, on the other hand, is the actual field.
– Jon Carroll, an American stranded in London, ‘San Francisco Chronicle’
England were at once worn out but underprepared; complacent yet overapprehensive; inward-looking yet dysfunctional as a unit; closeted yet distracted.
– Matthew Engel, as England throw away the Ashes against Australia, Financial Times
American football is Rugby after a visit from a Health and Safety inspector.
– Anonymous
Rugby is a game of violence. It is supposed to be. Both codes. It is a game of brutal physical confrontations: individual against individual, group against group. That is, if you like, the point. All the territorial ball games are mimic battles and rugby is the closest sport gets to the real thing. All the more reason, then, for it not to go over the edge.
Without violence, rugby is nothing. Would the streets of London have been lined for the winners of the Touch-Rugby World Cup? I think not. But violence is not the whole of the game. Rugby is not 15-man or 13-man boxing. Violence is the setting, the context. Without violence there is no courage, without mayhem there is no grace, without pain there is no exalted relief in victory. Memo to all who run both codes of the game: rugby is a mimic war. When we want real war, we turn to the front of the newspaper.
– Simon Barnes, ‘The Times’
Eamon Dunphy On Fabio Cannavarro:
‘If Rio Ferdinand is worth £100,000 a week, then this guy is worth £100 million . . . . . a day’
On Michael Carrick:
‘Carrick was signed for Spurs a few years back for £3m. That’s the level he is at. He is a nothing player. He is one-paced. He doesn’t have the personality to always get on the ball like a United player should. ‘
On the stubborn climate which exists in the board room at Real Madrid:
‘Bill, Bill… those directors over there are on another planet. They’re on mushrooms or something…THEY’RE ON ACID BILL!!!’
On John Hartson:
‘Bill, Hartson is not a 7million pound player….it’s a disgrace, a shambles! This is the state of football today Bill. I have a clip here of why Hartson is NOT a £7million player….Roll it there Bill! (literally 1 second in to the clip) OKAY, HOLD IT THERE BILL!!! (draws a circle around Hartson’s arse) Bill, that is NOT the arse of a £7million player!”
More Stupid Quotes
Beginning with the idiot of idiots Dan Quayle
‘We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.’
– Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
‘Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a –it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it’s got a particularly unique situation.’
– Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
‘The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.’
– Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President
‘If you give a person a fish, they’ll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they’ll fish for a lifetime.’
– Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
‘I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.’ (Arizona)
– Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
‘Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.’
– David Acfield
‘And here’s Moses Kiptanui – the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago’
– David Coleman, Sports commentator
‘Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs’
– David Coleman, Sports commentator
‘There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people’
– David Coleman, Sports commentator
‘I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.’
– David Dinkins, former New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
‘We don’t like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.’
– Decca Records Rejecting the Beatles, in 1962
‘We are trying to change the 1974 Constitution, whenever that was passed.’
– Donald Kennard, Louisiana state representative
Humour
Some Things You Just Can’t Explain
A farmer was sitting in his local bar getting drunk. (No we have to be careful here: It was not Vincent Murphy) A man came in and asked the farmer, ‘Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?’ The farmer shook his head and replied, ‘Some things you just can’t explain.’
‘So what happened that’s so horrible?’ the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
‘Well,’ the farmer said, ‘today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.’
‘Okay,’ said the man, ‘but that’s not so bad.’ ‘Some things you just can’t explain,’ the farmer replied. ‘So what happened then?’ the man asked. The farmer said, ‘I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.’
‘And then?’
‘Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.’
The man laughed and said, ‘Again?’ The farmer replied, ‘Some things you just can’t explain.’ ‘So, what did you do then?’ the man asked.
‘I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.’
‘And then?’
‘Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.’
‘Hmmm,’ the man said and nodded his head. ‘Some things you just can’t explain,’ the farmer said.
‘So, what did you do?’ the man asked.
‘Well,’ the farmer said, ‘I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in … Some things you just can’t explain.’
Heavenly Justice
Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get; he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, ‘Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.’ God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, ‘I beg your pardon God, but I thought you were going to punish him.’
God smiled. ‘Think about it- who can he tell?’
New Career
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying, ‘I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.’ The instructor said, ‘During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust pipe…’
Mental Patient
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, ‘David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that I’m sorry to have to tell you that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.’ David replied, ‘Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.’
Paddy Irishman Paddy Englishman Paddy Scotsman
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are in the pub. The Englishman announces, ‘I think my wife’s been cheating on me with a builder.’
‘Why’s that then?’ the others ask.” The other day, I came home and found a tool belt under the bed.’ They drink on in silence.
Then the Scotsman announces, ‘Ach I think the wife is cheating’ on me with a gardener.’ ‘Why’s that then?’ the others ask.
‘The’ other day I came home and found some gardening gloves under the bed.’
Again they drink on in silence. Finally, the Irishman announces, ‘I think my wife’s been having an affair with a horse.’
‘A horse! The Englishman and Scotsman exclaim in surprise?’
‘Honest to God! The other day I came home early and found a jockey hiding under the bed.’
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