News

Sarsfields Weekly Newsletter.

November 8, 2018

THE SASH June 17th 2008

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.

 

Sash Demolish Kilcullen

 

SFL Division 1 Sarsfields 4-16 Kilcullen 0-6

 

 

Playing their best football in the league to date, champions Sarsfields played with a fluency that had been missing in previous league games with good passing and off the ball movement. It was a stroll in Sarsfields Park for the hosts as they brushed aside the feeble challenge of Kilcullen in Round 13 of the Leader Cup on Saturday evening, dishing out an embarrassing 22 point hammering to Kilcullen in the process. It would be difficult to judge how good Sarsfields are from this one-sided encounter since Kilcullen were short a few players but there was no doubting the gulf in class between the sides.

From the start with the commanding presence of Gary White anchoring the half back line at centre back and Dermot Early at midfield Sarsfields were completely dominant.  They were 5 points up after 15 minutes with a point each from Paddy Cambell, Pauric Brennan, Dermot Early after a fine cross field pass from Eoin O’Sullivan, Aidan McLernan and Ciaran Dempsey.  Kilcullen did manage to interrupt the one way traffic when a rare foray into the Sarsfields defence yielded a point when Colm Fox scored form 25 metres in the 18th minute. This was to be a brief respite for Kilcullen as two minutes later right half forward John Geraghty cleverly chipped the Kilcullen goalkeeper from about 30 metres to score the first of his 2 goals to give Sarsfields a commanding 1-5 to 0-1 lead. Shortly before half time when Alan Barry playing at centre forward stretched Sarsfields advantage to 10 points 1-9 to 0-2 the signs were ominous for Kilcullen although they did manage to score the last score of the half after a solo run from midfielder Warren Kinsella resulted in a point.

After the break the Sarsfields blitzkrieg increased in tempo. The assault began in earnest with two Paddy Cambell points inside two minutes and continued as umpire Mick Spencer hardly had the white flag down before he had to raise it again. Wave after wave of Sarsfields attacks yielded further points; one each from Paddy Cambell and Aidan Mclernan and 2 from Pauric Brennan.  

Midway through the second half with Sarsfields leading by 15 points, 1-15 to 0-3 Kilcullen had long since capitulated to the inevitability of defeat although Michael Kelly, Paul Jones, Jamie Lambe and Shane Lambe, John White and Mick Williams continued to swim against the green tide but to no avail as the Sarsfields backs who were very cohesive throughout defended resolutely and were first to grab and clear any loose ball that appeared in their vicinity.

Despite leading by 15 points there was no let up by Sarsfields. They relentlessly pounded the Kilcullen defence into submission. John Geraghty’s second goal  with ten minutes remaining was followed up four minutes later by a converted penalty from Paddy Cambell which further widened   the chasm between the sides to increase Sarsfields lead to an unassailable 19 points. It was simply one of those days that everything went right for Sarsfields and nothing did for Kilcullen, It could hardly get any worse for Kilcullen But worse it did get before the referee’s whistle signalled the end to their miserable evening; one that they and new manager Karl O’Dwyer will want to quickly forget as they prepare for the forthcoming Intermediate Championship. Dermot Early whose trademark high fielding was a joy to behold got his fist to a high ball at the edge of the square to send it to the back of the net in the 30th minute to finish the scoring and leave Sarsfields thoroughly deserving 22 point winners, 4-16 to 0-6.

        

 

 

Sarsfields: Patrick O’Sullivan, Steven Ussher. Murt Dunne, Rickie Deegan,  Niall Hedderman, Gary White, Robert Confey, Ciaran Dempsey, (0-2) Dermot Earley, (1-1) John Geraghty,(2-3) Alan Barry,(0-1) Aidan McLernan,(0-2) Paddy Cambell(1-3) Eoin O’Sullivan, Pauric Brennan,(0-4) Subs:Niall Fortune for Ciaran Dempsey(40mins injured) John Kavanagh for Niall Hedderman (42Mins)

 

Kilcullen: Paddy Maher, Mark Dooley, James Burke, Paul Maher, Curley McMahon, Ronan Aspell, Donal , Michael Kelly, Warren Kinsella,(0-1) John Whyte, Mick Williams, Paul Jones,(0-3) Colm Fox, (0-1) Jamie Lambe (0-1), Aidan Carroll. Subs: Shane Lambe for Mark Dooley (ht)  Thomas Davis for Mick Williams (45 mins) Mark Dooley for Ronan Aspell (48 mins injured) Paul Jones for John Whyte (59 mins injured)

Referee: Joe Foley

 

 

Sash Girls are County Champs

 

 

 Division III   Under 12 girls Championship Final.

 

 

Sarsfileds 1 - 7     Milltown 0 - 6      

Straight from the throw in Brooke Dunne fielded a superb ball and supplied a pin point pass to centre forward Emily Aulsberry who in turn fired home the opening score with a long range point ( 20 seconds).

Sarsfields pressurized the Milltown back line, who conceded a 45 which Brooke Dunne dispatched over the cross bar after 3 minutes.

Sarsfields third score came form an integrate move between the entire half forward line when Molly Price linked with Jessica Turner to pass the final ball to Emily Aulsberry who scored with ease.

Milltown concede another free on the hallway line and the ball was again moved swiftly through the half forward line for Emily to convert again.

Sarsfields at this stage of the game looked to be controlling possession of the ball and when Molly Price was fouled on the 20 yard line , Jessica Turner converted with her trusty left foot.

Milltown under pressure concede another free which Jessica Turner passed to Emily to convert her fourth point of the game.

Milltown started to gain some possession of the football and scored after 17 minutes into the Newbridge end of the town. At this late stage the first half of the game the Milltown number 7 stared to pick up a lot of ball and was beginning to cut open the Sarsfields defence but her forward line failed to deliver the vital scores.

Whistle goes for half time ( Sarsfields 0 - 6  Milltown  0 – 1 )

 

Upon the restart Sarsfields opened the scoring from another long range Emily Aulsberry strike.

The game was scoreless for another five minutes but Miltown were beginning to turn on the pressure and look menacing.

The pressure prevailed and Milltown scored on the 8th, 13th & 14th minutes to get them back into contention.

The Sarsfields back line started to feel the pressure but with some out standing defending from full back Allie Whelan and superb fielding form centre half back Stephanie McGlynn they relieved the pressure of the onslaught.

Milltown still punched holes in the Sarsfields defence and tagged on two more vital points to leave just the bare minimum between the two sides.

The game was on a knife edge and when the Milltown full forward was baring down on goal to clinch the game Allie Whelan yet again made a vital interception to disposes and clear the ball to safety.

Sarsfields attacked and through long ball into the full forward line failed to capitize and seemed to be letting this game slip way.

The game was end to end and both teams failed to score until the Sarsfields half forward line of Molly, Jessica and Emily worked hard to pressurize a mistake form the Milltown centre back to clear her lines over the 20 yard line under the stand side of the pitch.

Brooke Dunne went over to take the side line ball and this time rather than pass to the full forward line dispated the ball high into the Newbridge end of the pitch where the ball flew into the right hand top corner of the net.

This left Sarsfields 4 points in front and with just minutes remaining sealed the game.

The Sarsfields team weathered the heavy pressure form Milltown and as we all know this team never gives up and fought all the way to the line and deserved this victory.

 

This was a great performances from a dedicated and hard working team, Best on the day, Allie Whelan was outstanding, with Emily Aulsberry, Brooke Dunne, Kelly Fisher, Step McGlynn, Jessica Turner, Molly Price, Jessica Nolan, Laura Begley &  Niamh Hannon all playing well.

 

Sarsfields Team:

Treacy Turner ( capt), Niamh Hannon, Ali Whelen, Laura Begley, Rachael Mahoney, Steph Mc Glynn, Kelly Fisher, Jessica Nolan, Brooke Dunne,  Jessica Turner,Emily Aulsberry, Molly Price,  Emma Commerford, Aisling Phipps, Rachael Greenan.

 

Sub,s: Amy Browne, Eimear Maher, Sophie Lambert, Orlaith Taylor, Stacey Monaghan

 

Mascot: Ciara Price

 

 

The senior B team had a welcome win on Saturday beating Ardclough away by 0-13 to 0-8. This was the first time that they had a near full strength team in the keague.

 

Congratulations to the Girls U12B team on winning the Division 3 title beating Milltown 1-7 to 0-6 in St Conleth’s Park on Saturday. A special thanks to Manager Karen Brady and Selectors David Price and Jerry Maher for the great work they did in preparing the team. The Girls U 14 A team who are representing Kildare are busy preparing for the Feile All –Ireland finals which will take place in Cavan in July.

Congratulations to the Boys U9 team who put in an exemplary performance in defeating Carbury to win the go games division 1 league. Each and everyone of them showed great determination, teamwork and skill in throughout this competition in which they were undefeated. The boys in division 4 also did extremely well in drawing with St Edwards in their final match. The coaching provided last week by Gary White and Alan Smith was obviously inspirational. Thanks very much Gary and Alan for giving your time. Training continues as normal every Wednesday at 5pm. Any other lads born in 1999 are very welcome to come along and have a bit of craic and make great friends. Thanks to Eamon Harnett for the great work that he has done throughout the year with the team.

On Saturday next 21st   Sarsfields will play Athy  in the 10 a side camogie

 Final  in Eire Og Hurling club at 6pm.

 

Leo Kennedy has gone Turk.

Leo and his wife Anne are enjoying a holiday in Turkey at the moment. We hope that they are having an enjoyable one and thanks to the wonders of technology Leo can enjoy the sash newsletter while he enjoys a cup of Turkish espresso or something stronger.

 

 

 

 

GAA All-Ireland Football Championship Preview Issued on behalf of the
GAA Week 7 - 16th June 2008


PROVINCIAL FOOTBALL FINAL PAIRINGS TAKING SHAPE

Galway, Kerry and Cork are the first three counties into this year's
provincial football finals and, barring draws, three more will advance
to the deciders next weekend. There's semi-final action in Ulster,
Leinster and Connacht on Saturday and Sunday with the remaining two
semi-finals (Leinster and Ulster) to be played on Sunday week.

Next weekend's programme is as follows

Saturday
Ulster SF semi-final: Derry v Fermanagh, Omagh, 6.0pm (Live on RTE 2 and
BBC 2)

Sunday
Leinster SF semi-final
Laois v Wexford, Croke Park, 2.0pm (Live on TV3)

Connacht SF semi-final
Mayo v Sligo, Castlebar, 3.30pm


DERRY v FERMANAGH
Rather surprisingly, this will be the first Ulster championship match
between the counties since 1990. Derry won on that occasion while
Fermanagh's last victory over Derry was in 1982. That was also the last
time Fermanagh reached the Ulster final, losing to Armagh, while Derry
last qualified for the decider in 2000 where they lost to Armagh.

Derry go into the game as NFL (Division 1) champions while Fermanagh won
promotion from Division 3 before losing the final to Wexford after
extra-time. Both Derry and Fermanagh have had one outing already in the
Ulster championship. Derry beat Donegal by 1-14 to 1-12 while Fermanagh
beat Monaghan by 2-8 to 0-10.
Fermanagh are the only Ulster side never to have won the provincial
title while Derry won the last of their seven titles in 1998.


Last Five Championship Clashes
1990 - Derry 4-14 Fermanagh 1-7
1989 - Derry 4-15 Fermanagh 1-7
1982 - Fermanagh 1-9 Derry 1-8
1981 - Derry 0-12 Fermanagh 0-10
1972 - Derry 5-7 Fermanagh 0-7

LAOIS v WEXFORD
Laois are attempting to reach the Leinster final for the fifth time in
six seasons while Wexford are bidding to reach their first final since
1956.
This is the fifth successive year that Wexford have reached the
semi-final, having lost the previous four as follows:
2007: Laois 1-13 Wexford 0-13
2006: Offaly 2-15 Wexford 1-14
2005: Dublin 1-17 Wexford 2-10
2004: Westmeath 2-15 Wexford 1-14.
Wexford, who are unbeaten in League and Championship so far this year,
last beat Laois in the championship in 1953. The counties met in last
year's Leinster semi-final which Laois won by three points on a day when
Michael John Tierney scored 0-7 for the winners. Both sides have already
had one game in this year's championship. Laois beat Wicklow by 0-15 to
0-13 while Wexford staged a great recovery to edge out Meath by a point,
2-14 to 2-13.

Last Five Championship Clashes
2007 -Laois 1-13 Wexford 0-13
2003 - Laois 1-19 Wexford 0-10
2001 - Laois 0-18 Wexford 0-14
1968 - Laois 2-12 Wexford 1-9
1953 - Wexford 1-9 Laois 0-11

MAYO v SLIGO
Defending Connacht champions, Sligo head for McHale Park knowing that
they must beat Mayo to keep their All-Ireland ambitions alive. Having
been relegated to Division 4 of the NFL in April, Sligo will not be
eligible to play in the All-Ireland qualifiers if they lose at this
stage.
That increases the pressure on Sligo who are seeking their first
championship win over Mayo since 2000. They last beat Mayo in Castlebar
in the 1975 Connacht final replay.
Mayo, whose last championship defeat in Castlebar was against Galway in
2002, are attempting to reach the Connacht final for the 5th time this
decade having last won the title in 2006. Mayo will be having their
first outing in Championship 2008 while Sligo beat London in the first
round.

Last Five Championship Clashes
2003 - Mayo 0-14 Sligo 0-11
2001 - Mayo 1-12 Sligo 1-11
2000 - Sligo 1-13 Mayo 1-10
1997 - Mayo 0-11 Sligo 1-7
1994 - Mayo 2-18 Sligo 1-5





2008 ALL-IRELAND SFC RESULTS/FIXTURES

CONNACHT
May 11: Quarter-final: Leitrim 0-17 New York 0-6, Gaelic Park.
May 18: Quarter-final: Galway 2-16 Roscommon 0-6, Pearse Stadium.
May 25: Quarter-final: Sligo 2-17 London 0-7, Ruislip.
June 15: Semi-final: Galway 2-14 Leitrim 1-13, Pearse Stadium.
Next Sunday: Semi-final: Mayo v Sligo, Castlebar.
July 13: Final: Galway v Mayo or Sligo.

LEINSTER
May 11: 1st round: Westmeath 2-10 Longford 1-10, Pearse Park.
May 18: 1st round: Wicklow 0-13 Kildare 0-9; Meath 1-25 Carlow 0-8,
Croke Park.
May 31: Quarter-final: Laois 0-15 Wicklow 0-13, Dr.Cullen Park.
June 1: Quarter-final: Wexford 2-14 Meath 2-13, Dr. Cullen Park.
June 7: Quarter-final: Westmeath 2-11 Offaly 1-8, Tullamore.
June 8: Quarter-final: Dublin 1-22 Louth 0-12, Croke Park.
Next Sunday: Semi-final: Laois v Wexford, Croke Park.
June 29: Semi-final: Dublin v Westmeath, Croke Park.
July 20: Final, Croke Park.

MUNSTER
May 25: Quarter-finals: Clare 0-9 Waterford 0-7, Ennis; Limerick 1-8
Tipperary 1-5, Fermoy.
June 8: Semi-finals: Kerry 1-14 Clare 0-5, Killarney; Cork 2-9 Limerick
0-12, Gaelic Grounds.
July 6: Final: Cork v Kerry, Pairc Ui Chaoimh

ULSTER
Next Sunday: 1st round: Cavan 1-19 Antrim 1-14 Casement Park.
May 25: Quarter-final: Fermanagh 2-8 Monaghan 0-10, Enniskillen.
June 1: Quarter-final: Derry 1-14 Donegal 1-12, Ballybofey.
June 8: Quarter-final: Tyrone 2-8, Down 2-8, Omagh.
June 14: Quarter-final replay: Down 1-19 Tyrone 0-21, Newry (After
extra-time).
June 15: Quarter-final: Armagh 0-17 Cavan 0-13, Kingspan Breffni Park.
Next Saturday: Semi-final: Fermanagh v Derry, Omagh.
June 29: Semi-final: Armagh v Down, Clones.
July 20: Final.

ALL-IRELAND QUALIFIERS
July 19: Round 1 (Already included: Longford, Kildare, Meath, Louth,
Offaly, Monaghan, Donegal, Tyrone, Cavan, Tipperary Limerick, Roscommon)
July 26: Round 2 Aug 2/3/4: Round 3

ALL-IRELAND CHAMPIONSHIPS
Aug 9/10: Quarter-finals (4)
Aug 24: Semi-final, Croke Park.
Aug 31: Semi-final, Croke Park.
Sept 21: Final

 

 

 

 

 

TV3 GAA Fixtures

 

Date Match Competition
 22/6/2008 Laois v Wexford LSFC S/F
29/6/2008 Offaly/Longford/Westmeath v Dublin/Louth LSFC S/F
6/7/2008 Leinster Hurling Final LSHC
13/7/2008 Connacht Football Final CSFC
19/7/2008 Round 1 Qualifiers AIFC
20/7/2008 Ulster Football Final USFC
26/7/2008 Round 2 Qualifiers AIFC
2/8/2008 Round 3 Qualifiers AIFC

 

On RTE: The Sunday Game Live Fixtures

 

 

 

June 14 Dublin/Westmeath v Wexford

June 15 Offaly/Laois v Kilkenny, Galway/Roscommon v New York/Leitrim

June 21 Fermanagh/Monaghan v Donegal/Derry

June 22 Limerick v Clare/Waterford

June 29 Tyrone/Down v Armagh/Antrim/Cavan

July 6 Munster Senior Football Championship Final

July 12 All Ireland Qualifiers

July 13 Munster Senior Hurling Championship Final

July 19 All Ireland Qualifiers

July 20 Leinster Senior Football Championship Final

July 26 All Ireland Qualifiers

July 27 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship Quarter-Finals

Aug 2/3/4 All Ireland Qualifiers

Aug 9 All Ireland Senior Football Championship Quarter-Finals

Aug 10 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship and Minor Hurling

Championship Semi-Finals

Aug 17 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship and Minor Hurling

Championship Semi-Finals

Aug 24 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football

Championship Semi-Finals

Aug 31 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football

Championship Semi-Finals

Sept 7 All Ireland Senior Hurling Championship and Minor Hurling

Championship Finals

Sept 14 All Ireland Senior Camogie Final

Sept 21 All Ireland Senior Football Championship and Minor Football

Championship Finals

 

Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming week

Thursday 19th June at 7.30 in Sallins JHC Sarsfields V Clane.

SFL Division 3: Saturday 21st June at 5pm Round Towers V Sarsfields

SFL Division 1 Saturday 21st June at 7pm Sarsfields V Monasterevin.

 

The following Saturday the seniors will play St. Laurence’s in their final league match in Sarsfields Park At the moment they are in fourth place on 17pts, a point behind  Moorefield. Celbridge are in first place on 22 pts and are favourites to reach the final. St Laurence’s are in second place 19pts. Moorefield on 18pts have two games in hand so the likelihood is that it will be a Moorefield Celbridge League Final. There are no semi finals. The top two will go into the final and the bottom two will be relegated. Surprisingly Clane already find themselves in this position as they have only 3pts.  Either  Kilcullen, Athy or Round Towers will in all likelihood join them. Sarsfields first championship outing against Suncroft has been fixed for Friday July 4th at 7.30 pm in St Conleth’s Park.  League Tables below.

 

Leinster Leader Senior Football League Division 1 2008

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Played

Won

Drew

Lost

Points

For

Against

Diff

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Celbridge

13

10

2

1

22

 10 -136

 5 - 109

42

St Laurence's

13

9

1

3

19

 10 -136

 9 -102

37

Moorefield

11

8

2

1

18

 7 -120

 5 - 79

47

Sarsfields

13

8

1

4

17

 13 - 123

 7 - 121

20

Monasterevin

13

6

3

4

15

 11 -126

 6 - 114

27

Leixlip

13

6

2

5

14

 5 - 127

 9 - 105

10

Carbury

13

5

2

6

12

 9 -132

 12 -124

-1

Allenwood

13

4

3

6

11

 9 -127

 14 - 118

-6

Ellistown

13

5

1

7

11

 10 -115

 8- 132

-11

Johnstownbridge

12

5

1

6

11

 12 - 103

 9 -116

-4

Rathangan

12

5

1

6

11

 11 - 101

 6 - 131

-15

Kilcock

12

4

2

6

10

 8 - 103

 9 - 104

-4

Round Towers

13

3

4

6

10

 7 - 99

 10 - 105

-15

Athy

13

4

1

8

9

 8 -122

 8 - 138

-16

Kilcullen

13

3

3

7

9

 6 - 125

 16 -154

-59

Clane

12

1

1

10

3

 9 -89

 13 - 132

-55

 

 

 

More Stupid Quotes.

'I think you can't repeat the first time of something...'
- Natalie Imbrulia, Singer, on her Grammy nomination

'Danny, as you know, was hospitalized last week after complaining about chest and sideburns.'
- Ned Martin, Sportscaster

'That's just the tip of the ice cube.'
- Neil Hamilton, BBC2

'It is thought that Raj Mohammed Poselay was beaten to death, possibly during a family fun day in the park.'
- Newspaper, Wolverton Express & Star (England)

'We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally.'
- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

'I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.'
- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

'Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.'
- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.

'If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it.'
- Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company

'Hey cabbie, could you turn that thing down a hundred disciples?'
- Paul Owen, Baseball player complaining about the radio being   too loud

'The FA are still optimistic about England's bid to stage the  World Cup in twenty thousand and six.'
- Peter Snow, BBC2 anchorman

'Mando Machinery Corporation is the undisputed leader in Korea automotive pants industry.'
- Press Release from Korean firm

'Man thought hurt, but slightly dead.'
- Providence Journal Headline

'Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.'
- Safari park sign

'A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.'
- Samuel Goldwyn

'Man Breaks Leg In Fall Off Bride.'
- St. Louis Disptach Headline (should have read 'bridge.')

'A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on.'
- Samuel Goldwyn

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'
- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

'Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar.'
- Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge

'After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.'
- Sign in a British office.

'Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.'
- Sign in Men's clothing store

'MIDNIGHT BOWLING SATURDAY AT 9 P.M.'
- Sign outside bowling alley in Lakewood, Colorado

'SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt - prepare for accident.'
- Sign on backseat of Taxi

'This Is The Gate Of Heaven, Enter Ye All By This Door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft.  Please use side entrance.)
- Sign on church door

'We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)'
- Sign on door of repair shop

'That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.'
- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left winger, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

'Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him.'
- Stuart Pearson

 

 

Humour

Disorder in Court

The following real court exchanges are from a recently published book, Disorder in the American Courts.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Hilarious Autopsy Discussion

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: OK. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 Lawyer Joke

A very rich man died and his friends and family gathered to hear a lawyer read out his will.

'To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in hard times as well as good, I leave the house and two million Euros.

The lawyer continued, 'To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the business and one million Euros.'

The lawyer concluded, 'And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will – well, you are wrong. Hi, Dan.'

 

20 years.

 

A woman woke up during the night and saw that her husband was not in the bed beside her.

So, the woman searched around the house looking for him and found him sitting at the kitchen table staring folornly into a cup of coffee. He was deep in thought. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye.

'What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?' she asked.

'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?' he asked.

'Yes I do.' she replied.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes I remember.'

'Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?'

'Yes I do', she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, ' You know I would have gotten out today.'

 

The Art of Being Unable to Predict the Future

'Rail travel at high speed is not possible, because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia.'
Dr Dionysus Lardner (1793-1859), professor of Natural Philosophy and Astronomy, University College London.

'Animals, which move, have limbs and muscles. The earth does not have limbs and muscles; therefore it does not move.'
Scipio Chiaramonti, Professor of Philosophy and Mathematics at the University of Pisa (1633).

'[Television] won't be able to hold on to any market it captures after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.'
Darryl F. Zanuck, head of 20th Century-Fox in 1946.

'What can be more palpably absurd than the prospect held out of locomotives traveling twice as fast as stagecoaches?'
The Quarterly Review, England (March 1825)

 

'Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?'
-- Bill Gates, 1981

'Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.'
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

 

'I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.'
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

 

'I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year.'
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

 

'But what ... is it good for?'
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

 

'There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.'
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

'This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.'
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.

 

'The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?'
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

 

'The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible.'
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

 

'Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?'
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

 

'I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.'
-Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in 'Gone With The Wind.'

 

'A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.'
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

 

'We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.'
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

 

'Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.'
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

 

'Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy.'
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

 

'Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.'
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

 

'Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.'
--Marecha Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

 

'Everything that can be invented has been invented.'
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

 

'Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction'.
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

 

'The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon'.
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

 

 

Flying Cavan Couple.

A Cavan man and his wife went to a fair and decided to go up in an antique airplane, I'd like to ride in that airplane he said to the ticket seller' “That will be €50. Being a Cavan man he decided to haggle over the price. The pilot overhearing the haggling said, I’ll tell you what if you don’t speak during the ride I’ll let you have it for nothing. “Fair enough said the Cavan man”, delighted with the outcome of his bargaining.

 They walked to the plane with the pilot thinking that there was no way that the Cavan man could stay quite with what he had in store.

So up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns and rolls and dives to try and earn his €50, but not a word was heard from the Cavan man and his wife. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. . When they landed, the pilot turned to Cavan man and said, 'That's absolutely amazing, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't say a single word' “Well”, said the Cavan man, “I have to admit that I was tempted to say something when de wife fell out o’ the plane”.

 

Contributors Required

If anyone would like to contribute to this Newsletter please send info to tonyr06@eircom.net. Articles, news, anecdotes etc would be very welcome. If you know anyone who would like to be added to the e-mail mailing list for the Newsletter then please ask them to forward their e-mail addresses to the above.

Please note as part of Sarsfields online privacy policy your E-mail address will not be given to any third parties. Sarsfields online privacy policy can be read in full on the Sarsfields website at www.sarsfieldsgaanewbridge.ie/page8.htm

 

 

 

 

           

 

   

 

 

 

           

Request a Demo

Let us show you how it works
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.