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Sarsfields Weekly Newsletter

November 8, 2018

THE SASH Tuesday  9th December 2008

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.

 

 Sarsfields AGM.

The Sarsfields AGM will take place in the Clubhouse this coming Saturday December 13th at 5.30pm. There will be some major personnel changes in the executive committee at the conclusion of the meeting. Chairman Brian Dempsey is stepping down after five years at the helm. Secretary Brendan Ryan has been nominated for Chairman. Tony McConnell has been nominated for Secretary and will be vacating his post of Juvenile Chairman. Christy Horan has been nominated for Vice Chairman to replace Shane Scanlan who is stepping down. Treasurer Marie Clancy is stepping down and Shane Cambell has been nominated as Treasurer. Registrar Deirdre O’Sullivan is stepping down and Kathleen Ryan has been nominated to replace her as Registrar.

Leinster GAA News
 
Brennan issues training warning to Inter County teams

 By Brendan O'Brien

GAA President Nickey Brennan has warned those caught in violation of the
new regulations on collective training will be dealt with severely.

There have been claims at least one senior football panel was
undertaking collective training sessions clandestinely despite the
moratorium introduced this year for the months of November and December.


Central Council decreed last month that any county found to be in breach
of the restrictions would lose 50% of its gate revenue for the National
League.

Brennan reiterated that threat yesterday, but admitted there is only so
much Croke Park can do. 'We are monitoring the situation as best we can.
We are not the kind of people to drive around in the dark at night with
the headlamps turned off, looking over ditches to see are people
training.

'The rumours may well be mischievous but, if we are made aware of
instances, we will have the officers of the county board in here before
us to account for what is going on.'

Some counties have been offered dispensations. The annual Dublin and
Wexford All Star games have been given the green light later this month,
as were Cork for the fixture to mark the 150th anniversary of St
Colman's College last week.

Unlike last year, Brennan and Director General Pauric Duffy have not
become involved in the internal crisis involving the Cork county hurlers
and the president doesn't envisage that stance changing if the standoff
spills into 2009.

'In this life you never say never but I want to make it clear that there
are no plans whatsoever in the short, medium or long-term as of now for
anyone to get involved in the Cork situation.

'As far as we are concerned, there is a Cork team. They played a match
last week so there is a team that has been put out by the county board.'


The situation in Cork carries potential implications for every county in
the GAA but a matter of more widespread relevance to all units is the
economic downturn and how it will effect the association.

The GAA signed two and three-year multi-sponsor contracts to cover their
All-Ireland hurling and football championships respectively this year
and Brennan is confident local structures are strong enough to withstand
the current crisis.

'Sponsors of clubs or county teams tend to be people involved in the GAA
themselves or who employ a lot of people involved in the GAA. It is
their way of paying back the GAA and society in general for what it is
doing in their county. So, I would certainly feel that businesses that
support the GAA will continue to do so.'

Meanwhile, the GAA's operations manager Fergal McGill has expressed
confidence that there will be no wholesale refusal by inter-county
players to co-operate with the current anti-doping regulations.

The GPA recently circulated a text to their members asking if they would
be in favour of withdrawing their support for the programme should their
government-funded grants be withdrawn.

McGill described the test as a 'feeler' and suggested there was no great
appetite for such a course of action despite the GPA claim that an
overwhelming majority of respondents are in favour of the move.

'We, and hopefully they as individuals, want their sport to remain
clean,' said McGill.

'That's the bottom line. The only way we can do that is to have some
sort of anti-doping programme and this one is probably as unobtrusive as
you can get.
'We had just over 70 tests this year and that is a small enough fraction
of our match programme. That was for games and training. It is hard on
the individuals called but most fellas are probably going to get called
only once every three years.'

Kildare’s National League Fixtures for 2009.

Croke Park have issued the following definitive league fixtures for 2009

Kildare kick off their Division 2, 2009 League campaign  on Sunday February 1st, away to Laois at 2-30pm  On Sunday, Feb 15th, Kildare are host to Cork; Sunday, March 8th, Leinster finalists Wexford will be in St. Conleth's Park; March, 15th, Kildare are away to Monaghan;  SundayMarch 22nd,  Kildare are at home to Armagh; Sunday March 29th, away to Fermanagh; and Sunday, April 12th away to Meath in the final league game. For those supporters planning the annual away trip the game against Fermanagh looks like the likely one.

Sarsfields Fundraising Christmas Draw.

 

Tickets are still available  for the club’s fundraising draw priced at €60 or two for €100. The draw will take place in the Clubhouse on Saturday  20th December.1st prize is a Fiat Punto, 2nd prize a €3,500 Holiday Voucher, 3rd prize a 46” Flatscreen TV and 4th prize of €1000 cash..

More Stupid Quotes.

So long as any amount shall remain unpaid under this note, the Borrower covenants and promises to that Bank that the borrower will not permit or suffer to exist any of the following conditions: death of the borrower.
American Security Bank loan agreement

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager

“I think 'immoral' is probably the wrong word to use...I prefer the word 'unethical.'
Ivan Boesky, inside stock trader

wanted all my ducks in a row so if we did get into a posture we could pretty much slam-dunk this thing and put it to bed.
Lee Cooke
, mayor of Austin, TX, abusing cliches

To forcibly remove a politician from office, one has to meet a much higher standard of dishonesty.
Michael Cooney, Santa Barbara, California attorney.

Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.
Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst`

We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.
Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games.
David Garcia, baseball team manager

Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it.
Samuel Goldwyn

Keep a stiff upper chin.
Samuel Goldwyn

This book has too much plot and not enough story.
Samuel Goldwyn

You've got to take the sour with the bitter.
Samuel Goldwyn

We're overpaying him but he's worth it..
Samuel Goldwyn

Don't pay any attention to the critics--don't even ignore them.
Samuel Goldwyn

I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

Please provide the date of your death.
from an American tax revenue service letter.

If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it.
Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company

Cheered by their words with an altogether more positive attitude to boxing...I found myself recalling the words of Marlin Brando in On the Waterfront, 'I could have been a bartender.'
Look Japan magazine article

Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more received slight injuries.
Japan Times article.

He was probably our greatest living painter -- until he died.
LBC British Television News

I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session.
Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House

The people don't take baths and they don't speak English. No golf courses, no room service. Who needs it?
Jim McMahon, NFL football quarterback, on Europe

Sporting Quirkies

Jockey wins first race after 28 years

Horse racing's worst jockey is celebrating his first win after 28 years in the saddle.

Amateur Anthony Knott, 44 - famed for usually coming last - stunned punters by romping to victory at Wincanton in Somerset, reports The Sun.

The dairy farmer jubilantly stood in his saddle to wave to the crowd and was almost overtaken on the finishing line but held on to break his career-long duck at 7-1.

Anthony, who was riding his own horse Wise Men Say over fences in the 2.30, said: 'There was a massive roar from the crowd and it was just instinct to stand up and give them a wave. Then I heard another horse coming up behind me and thought, 'Oh God, it's not finished yet.'

'I'm over the moon. I just wanted to win one race. I've done it now so I think I'll leave it at that.'

The dad of three began racing in 1980 as a lad. He has owned and ridden a string of horses. But his previous finish was coming fifth.

Wife Sarah said: 'I'm just pleased he finally won and didn't hurt himself.'

Fan's brickwork taunt at rivals

A football fan got one over a rival club by paving his team's nickname outside their stadium.

The Birmingham City supporter spelt 'Blues' in dark-coloured bricks at Wolverhampton Wanderers' ground.

And the stunt went unnoticed for at least four years, reports The Sun.

The unknown builder's handiwork, yards from turnstiles at the Molineux stadium, was shown on video website YouTube.

The West Midlands club have now replaced the brickwork.

Lisa Jones, 40, of nearby Bilston, said: 'When you're on the way in with so many other people you don't really look at the floor.'

Wolves spokesman Matt Grayson added: 'It won't be a big surprise to any of our fans that we walked over the opposition at Molineux.'

Hole in one - on wrong hole

A Devon golfer is the talk of the clubhouse after hitting a hole in one - on the wrong green.

Clive Seymour, 74, was aiming for the par-four 265-yard tenth hole but sliced his drive, reports The Sun

Back on the 330-yard fourth hole, players were bemused as the ball cleared trees, thudded on to their green, and tricked into the hole.

Grandfather of six Clive said: 'It's a great feeling, even if it was in the wrong hole. I used a driver but I really sliced it.'

The retired shopfitter is still the toast of Hele Park Golf Club, in Newton Abbot, Devon.

Manager Wendy Stanbury said: 'It was the talk of the clubhouse. Holes in ones always are but this one was a bit special - we've never had this happen before.

'Unfortunately the ball was out of bounds and he had to replay the shot. But Clive was still chuffed. He has set an interesting club record - the only hole in one in the wrong hole.'

Clive's daughter Julie Callaghan, 47, had a T-shirt made for him featuring a graphic of the shot.

Super sub nets winner with broken foot

An injured footballer threw down his crutches, ripped off his cast and hobbled on to score the winner with his broken right foot.

Ian Williams was meant to be out of action for at least another month but blasted the ball home after pleading to be sent on in the 85th minute.

The sub then limped back off in agony after clinching a 2-1 victory for village side Pontlliw FC against local rivals Pontarddulais Town, near Swansea.

Ian, 29, said: 'I was only on the subs bench to make the numbers up, but when we were still drawing 1-1 with five minutes left to go, I was dying to get on.

'I asked the boss to let put me on, and he said 'if you think you're up to it, then go-ahead'. When the ball hit the back of the net I couldn't believe it.

'I struck it with my right foot and it flew into the top corner. It hurt really bad the minute I struck it. I threw up pretty much straight away and had to be substituted a couple of minutes later.'

Teammate Alun Withey, aged 26, said: 'He put in an imperious performance - even if it was only for two minutes. Scoring the winning goal with a knackered foot is unbelievable. Everybody is talking about it.'

But Ian, who is back in his special air-cast, added: 'It was good to score the winning goal, but I think I'll wait until my foot's properly healed next time.'

True Story.


Piltdown Man Hoax

Perhaps the most famous hoax was Piltdown man.  In 1912, at a time when Darwin's evolutionary theory was new, and people were looking for missing links between humans and apes, someone planted two fake skulls which came to be known as Piltdown Man.

The part medieval man, part Orang-utang fossil was found, in the very English village of Piltdown in Sussex.  Piltdown man's scientific name, Eoanthropus dawsoni, reflected its finder's name Dawson.  To get a flavour of those times, the British Empire was still riding high, and Germany had their Heidelberg man fossil, Britain was desperate for a more important 'missing link' between man and monkey.

For 40 years Piltdown man was literally put on a pedestal and worshipped but not rigorously examined. The hoax lead a charmed life until it was unmasked in 1953. Microscopic examination, X-rays, or carbon dating would have exposed the fraud the impostor much earlier.

Urban myth has it that the fraud was only exposed when a cheeky first year student said to the Professor, 'That skull looks just like an ape's jawbone in a human skull'.  When the Professor said, 'Don't be so silly', the pupil said, 'Look, you can even see where someone has filed down the molars to make them fit the jaw'.  The student was of course quite correct.


Who did it?
What makes the Piltdown fraud so interesting is that the hoaxer was never exposed, certainly during their life time.  Much like horses at the nearby Plumpton race track, a whole field of suspects has been assembled for the hoax of the 20th century.  The most exotically named candidate is Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, a friend of Dawson and later a Jesuit priest.  One of the outsiders in the betting is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Homes, he came into the frame because he lived in Sussex.  

Others runners, who have their backers, are Dawson's friend Smith Woodward, also Sir Grafton Elliot Smith. Lately, there has been speculation that Martin Hinton was the forger as similar material was found in his loft.

A favourite candidate to be the hoaxer is Dawson whose archaeological dig discovered the fossil.  Dawson was an antiquarian; therefore had access to medieval skeleton's from which to build the two fraudulent skulls known as Piltdown I and Piltdown II.  In an attempt to make the skull rust as if with age, someone had cooked it in an iron solution.  Dawson had the knowledge of chemistry needed to age the unusually thick skull so that it looked like a fossil.  

 The main reason for singling out Dawson, is that he had other skeletons in his cupboard.  Investigation shows that Dawson had dodgy form as the faker of other fossils, old letters indicate that the man seemed obsessed with the 'big find'.  

True Story 2.

The Dropping Dead Sea

Cities, countries, rivers and even mountains get named for lots of things, most of which you can figure out on your own. But when it comes to the Dead Sea, one has to wonder who died to give it the moniker. The answer is - everything.

The Dead Sea has such a concentrated salinity, that nothing which breathes, swims, wiggles, or basically is recognizable as a life-form, can exist in its waters. The fascinating part is that the Dead Sea is completely landlocked, and nowhere near the Ocean, which can't hold a shaker to the salt content found here.

Millions of years ago, in this location between Jordan and Israel, the Earth began forming tectonic plates that covered its molten core. You'd think once the outside cooled and hardened, the whole thing would be pretty solid. Not so. Underneath the Dead Sea, the surface of the Earth is becoming thinner by the year, because of a rift that is causing the plates there to separate. As a result, the seabed drops with the movement. Over the millennia, a depression formed that became filled by freshwater rivers that run into it. But there are no waterways that lead out.

Consequently, all of the mineral salts that are picked up in the mountains are carried down to the Dead Sea. And with no outlets, the salts remain there, only to show themselves as water evaporates, particularly around the shoresm which are coated white with it.

The water down to approximately 130 feet, contains 300 grams of salt for every kilogram of water, and past that, a whopping 332 grams. So heavy is the salt content, that it actually manifests itself as residue on the bottom, because the water can't hold any more. The water itself is so dense, that although there is no marine life, there is plenty of human life that enjoy the fun of bobbing because the salt allows them to float without effort.

 Strange News

Zoo Investigates Virgin Shark Birth

Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, Nebraska is investigating the
mysterious birth of a shark to a virgin mother shark.  Three
female sharks live in a tank at the zoo and neither have
ever been close to a male bonnethead shark since they arrived as
pups.  DNA test are being completed to find out which one of the
sharks is the mother and possibly an answer to who the father is.

Chocolate Ecstasy

Wellington, New Zealand - A man accidently fed his family the
drug ecstasy which were secretly were covered in chocolate.
The man had received the package in his mail, which had been
addressed to someone else.  Apparently he could not resist the
chocolates and offered them to his family.  Soon after, the
family started feeling the weird effects of the drug.  Doctors
say that the family will fully recover.

Severed Head Found In Playground

German officials have charged three men with murdering a man
after a drunken fight over €12,50 and then putting his head in a
playground.  The victims head was found in the German town of
Ahlen and was identified by police.  This helped them arrest the
suspects quickly by finding out which people knew the victim.
'The men were drunk and a row ensued during which he was badly
beaten up. Two of the attackers were serving suspended sentences
and realized they would go to jail if he reported them to
police. So they decided to kill him,' prosecutors said.
 

Humour.

The Trouble With Email

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

 

 

Just Like Archie

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi. He climbs into the car, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Archie.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Archie Hobday. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Archie every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Archie. He was a terrific athlete. He could have played for any top premiership team. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more, he had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.'

Passenger. 'Wow, some bloke then?'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.'

Passenger: 'Mmm, there's not many like him around.'

Cabbie: 'And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Archie.'

Passenger: 'Then how do you know so much about him?'

Cabbie: 'I married his flippin widow.'

What it means to be British

One of the British national daily newspapers has been asking for comments about: 'what it means to be British'. Here is a comment from a Swiss national who lived in Britain for 12 years.

'Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV; and the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.'


 
A five Minute Management Lesson.
 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you €800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her €800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the €800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE  


 
Answers to last week’s Brain Teasers.

1 A boat is at anchor. Over the side hangs a rope ladder 
with rungs a foot apart. The tide rises at a rate of 10 inches per hour. 

At the end of six hours, how much of the rope ladder will remain 

above water, assuming that 10 feet were above the water when the tide 

began to rise?

Answer: Since the boat is afloat, the water level in 
relation to the ship stays the same. Therefore, 10 feet are above water, 
just as the beginning! 

2 You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the
outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?

Answer: An ear of corn 

3 A steer weighing 630 kilograms requires 13,500 calories a day to 
maintain its weight. That amount of food turns out to be proportional 

to its external surface. How many calories does a steer of 420 kilograms require?

Answer: Weight is proportional to linear dimension (length or girth of the 
steer) cubed. Surface area is proportional to linear dimension 

squared. Therefore,

13,500 x [ ( 420/630)1/3 ] 2 = 10,300 calories

This Week’s  Brain Teasers

1How would you rearrange the letters in the words new door to make one
word? Note: There is only one correct answer. 

2A man has recently escaped from prison and is making his way home on foot. He is walking along a straight rural country lane in bright daylight. He has walked about two miles from the prison, when he sees a police car coming toward him. Despite knowing that all squads would be out looking for him, he ran towards the car for a short while, and only when he was about ten feet away, did he turn and run into the woods to hide. Why did he run towards the police car?

 3In 1985, a person is 15 years old. In 1990 that same person
is 10 years old. How is this possible?

 

Answers next week. You can e-mail your answers to the address below and those with the correct answer(s) will have their names published so everyone can see how brainy they are.

 

 

 

Contributors Required

If anyone would like to contribute to this Newsletter please send info to editor tonyr06@eircom.net. Articles, news, anecdotes etc would be very welcome. If you know anyone who would like to be added to the e-mail mailing list for the Newsletter then please ask them to forward their e-mail addresses to the above or alternatively you can now subscribe to the Newsletter directly from Sarsfields website.

Please note that as part of Sarsfields online privacy policy your E-mail address will not be given to any third parties under any circumstances. Sarsfields online privacy policy can be read in full on the Sarsfields website at www.sarsfieldsgaanewbridge.ie/page8.htm

 


 
 


  
  
  

 

THE SASH Tuesday  9th December 2008

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.

 

 Sarsfields AGM.

The Sarsfields AGM will take place in the Clubhouse this coming Saturday December 13th at 5.30pm. There will be some major personnel changes in the executive committee at the conclusion of the meeting. Chairman Brian Dempsey is stepping down after five years at the helm. Secretary Brendan Ryan has been nominated for Chairman. Tony McConnell has been nominated for Secretary and will be vacating his post of Juvenile Chairman. Christy Horan has been nominated for Vice Chairman to replace Shane Scanlan who is stepping down. Treasurer Marie Clancy is stepping down and Shane Cambell has been nominated as Treasurer. Registrar Deirdre O’Sullivan is stepping down and Kathleen Ryan has been nominated to replace her as Registrar.

Leinster GAA News
 
Brennan issues training warning to Inter County teams

 By Brendan O'Brien

GAA President Nickey Brennan has warned those caught in violation of the
new regulations on collective training will be dealt with severely.

There have been claims at least one senior football panel was
undertaking collective training sessions clandestinely despite the
moratorium introduced this year for the months of November and December.


Central Council decreed last month that any county found to be in breach
of the restrictions would lose 50% of its gate revenue for the National
League.

Brennan reiterated that threat yesterday, but admitted there is only so
much Croke Park can do. 'We are monitoring the situation as best we can.
We are not the kind of people to drive around in the dark at night with
the headlamps turned off, looking over ditches to see are people
training.

'The rumours may well be mischievous but, if we are made aware of
instances, we will have the officers of the county board in here before
us to account for what is going on.'

Some counties have been offered dispensations. The annual Dublin and
Wexford All Star games have been given the green light later this month,
as were Cork for the fixture to mark the 150th anniversary of St
Colman's College last week.

Unlike last year, Brennan and Director General Pauric Duffy have not
become involved in the internal crisis involving the Cork county hurlers
and the president doesn't envisage that stance changing if the standoff
spills into 2009.

'In this life you never say never but I want to make it clear that there
are no plans whatsoever in the short, medium or long-term as of now for
anyone to get involved in the Cork situation.

'As far as we are concerned, there is a Cork team. They played a match
last week so there is a team that has been put out by the county board.'


The situation in Cork carries potential implications for every county in
the GAA but a matter of more widespread relevance to all units is the
economic downturn and how it will effect the association.

The GAA signed two and three-year multi-sponsor contracts to cover their
All-Ireland hurling and football championships respectively this year
and Brennan is confident local structures are strong enough to withs, tand
the current crisis.

'Sponsors of clubs or county teams tend to be people involved in the GAA
themselves or who employ a lot of people involved in the GAA. It is
their way of paying back the GAA and society in general for what it is
doing in their county. So, I would certainly feel that businesses that
support the GAA will continue to do so.'

Meanwhile, the GAA's operations manager Fergal McGill has expressed
confidence that there will be no wholesale refusal by inter-county
players to co-operate with the current anti-doping regulations.

The GPA recently circulated a text to their members asking if they would
be in favour of withdrawing their support for the programme should their
government-funded grants be withdrawn.

McGill described the test as a 'feeler' and suggested there was no great
appetite for such a course of action despite the GPA claim that an
overwhelming majority of respondents are in favour of the move.

'We, and hopefully they as individuals, want their sport to remain
clean,' said McGill.

'That's the bottom line. The only way we can do that is to have some
sort of anti-doping programme and this one is probably as unobtrusive as
you can get.
'We had just over 70 tests this year and that is a small enough fraction
of our match programme. That was for games and training. It is hard on
the individuals called but most fellas are probably going to get called
only once every three years.'

Kildare’s National League Fixtures for 2009.

Croke Park have issued the following definitive league fixtures for 2009

Kildare kick off their Division 2, 2009 League campaign  on Sunday February 1st, away to Laois at 2-30pm  On Sunday, Feb 15th, Kildare are host to Cork; Sunday, March 8th, Leinster finalists Wexford will be in St. Conleth's Park; March, 15th, Kildare are away to Monaghan;  SundayMarch 22nd,  Kildare are at home to Armagh; Sunday March 29th, away to Fermanagh; and Sunday, April 12th away to Meath in the final league game. For those supporters planning the annual away trip the game against Fermanagh looks like the likely one.

Sarsfields Fundraising Christmas Draw.

 

Tickets are still available  for the club’s fundraising draw priced at €60 or two for €100. The draw will take place in the Clubhouse on Saturday  20th December.1st prize is a Fiat Punto, 2nd prize a €3,500 Holiday Voucher, 3rd prize a 46” Flatscreen TV and 4th prize of €1000 cash..

More Stupid Quotes.

So long as any amount shall remain unpaid under this note, the Borrower covenants and promises to that Bank that the borrower will not permit or suffer to exist any of the following conditions: death of the borrower.
American Security Bank loan agreement

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager

“I think 'immoral' is probably the wrong word to use...I prefer the word 'unethical.'
Ivan Boesky, inside stock trader

wanted all my ducks in a row so if we did get into a posture we could pretty much slam-dunk this thing and put it to bed.
Lee Cooke
, mayor of Austin, TX, abusing cliches

To forcibly remove a politician from office, one has to meet a much higher standard of dishonesty.
Michael Cooney, Santa Barbara, California attorney.

Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.
Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst`

We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.
Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games.
David Garcia, baseball team manager

Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it.
Samuel Goldwyn

Keep a stiff upper chin.
Samuel Goldwyn

This book has too much plot and not enough story.
Samuel Goldwyn

You've got to take the sour with the bitter.
Samuel Goldwyn

We're overpaying him but he's worth it..
Samuel Goldwyn

Don't pay any attention to the critics--don't even ignore them.
Samuel Goldwyn

I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

Please provide the date of your death.
from an American tax revenue service letter.

If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it.
Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company

Cheered by their words with an altogether more positive attitude to boxing...I found myself recalling the words of Marlin Brando in On the Waterfront, 'I could have been a bartender.'
Look Japan magazine article

Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more received slight injuries.
Japan Times article.

He was probably our greatest living painter -- until he died.
LBC British Television News

I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session.
Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House

The people don't take baths and they don't speak English. No golf courses, no room service. Who needs it?
Jim McMahon, NFL football quarterback, on Europe

Sporting Quirkies

Jockey wins first race after 28 years

Horse racing's worst jockey is celebrating his first win after 28 years in the saddle.

Amateur Anthony Knott, 44 - famed for usually coming last - stunned punters by romping to victory at Wincanton in Somerset, reports The Sun.

The dairy farmer jubilantly stood in his saddle to wave to the crowd and was almost overtaken on the finishing line but held on to break his career-long duck at 7-1.

Anthony, who was riding his own horse Wise Men Say over fences in the 2.30, said: 'There was a massive roar from the crowd and it was just instinct to stand up and give them a wave. Then I heard another horse coming up behind me and thought, 'Oh God, it's not finished yet.'

'I'm over the moon. I just wanted to win one race. I've done it now so I think I'll leave it at that.'

The dad of three began racing in 1980 as a lad. He has owned and ridden a string of horses. But his previous finish was coming fifth.

Wife Sarah said: 'I'm just pleased he finally won and didn't hurt himself.'

Fan's brickwork taunt at rivals

A football fan got one over a rival club by paving his team's nickname outside their stadium.

The Birmingham City supporter spelt 'Blues' in dark-coloured bricks at Wolverhampton Wanderers' ground.

And the stunt went unnoticed for at least four years, reports The Sun.

The unknown builder's handiwork, yards from turnstiles at the Molineux stadium, was shown on video website YouTube.

The West Midlands club have now replaced the brickwork.

Lisa Jones, 40, of nearby Bilston, said: 'When you're on the way in with so many other people you don't really look at the floor.'

Wolves spokesman Matt Grayson added: 'It won't be a big surprise to any of our fans that we walked over the opposition at Molineux.'

Hole in one - on wrong hole

A Devon golfer is the talk of the clubhouse after hitting a hole in one - on the wrong green.

Clive Seymour, 74, was aiming for the par-four 265-yard tenth hole but sliced his drive, reports The Sun

Back on the 330-yard fourth hole, players were bemused as the ball cleared trees, thudded on to their green, and tricked into the hole.

Grandfather of six Clive said: 'It's a great feeling, even if it was in the wrong hole. I used a driver but I really sliced it.'

The retired shopfitter is still the toast of Hele Park Golf Club, in Newton Abbot, Devon.

Manager Wendy Stanbury said: 'It was the talk of the clubhouse. Holes in ones always are but this one was a bit special - we've never had this happen before.

'Unfortunately the ball was out of bounds and he had to replay the shot. But Clive was still chuffed. He has set an interesting club record - the only hole in one in the wrong hole.'

Clive's daughter Julie Callaghan, 47, had a T-shirt made for him featuring a graphic of the shot.

Super sub nets winner with broken foot

An injured footballer threw down his crutches, ripped off his cast and hobbled on to score the winner with his broken right foot.

Ian Williams was meant to be out of action for at least another month but blasted the ball home after pleading to be sent on in the 85th minute.

The sub then limped back off in agony after clinching a 2-1 victory for village side Pontlliw FC against local rivals Pontarddulais Town, near Swansea.

Ian, 29, said: 'I was only on the subs bench to make the numbers up, but when we were still drawing 1-1 with five minutes left to go, I was dying to get on.

'I asked the boss to let put me on, and he said 'if you think you're up to it, then go-ahead'. When the ball hit the back of the net I couldn't believe it.

'I struck it with my right foot and it flew into the top corner. It hurt really bad the minute I struck it. I threw up pretty much straight away and had to be substituted a couple of minutes later.'

Teammate Alun Withey, aged 26, said: 'He put in an imperious performance - even if it was only for two minutes. Scoring the winning goal with a knackered foot is unbelievable. Everybody is talking about it.'

But Ian, who is back in his special air-cast, added: 'It was good to score the winning goal, but I think I'll wait until my foot's properly healed next time.'

True Story.


Piltdown Man Hoax

Perhaps the most famous hoax was Piltdown man.  In 1912, at a time when Darwin's evolutionary theory was new, and people were looking for missing links between humans and apes, someone planted two fake skulls which came to be known as Piltdown Man.

The part medieval man, part Orang-utang fossil was found, in the very English village of Piltdown in Sussex.  Piltdown man's scientific name, Eoanthropus dawsoni, reflected its finder's name Dawson.  To get a flavour of those times, the British Empire was still riding high, and Germany had their Heidelberg man fossil, Britain was desperate for a more important 'missing link' between man and monkey.

For 40 years Piltdown man was literally put on a pedestal and worshipped but not rigorously examined. The hoax lead a charmed life until it was unmasked in 1953. Microscopic examination, X-rays, or carbon dating would have exposed the fraud the impostor much earlier.

Urban myth has it that the fraud was only exposed when a cheeky first year student said to the Professor, 'That skull looks just like an ape's jawbone in a human skull'.  When the Professor said, 'Don't be so silly', the pupil said, 'Look, you can even see where someone has filed down the molars to make them fit the jaw'.  The student was of course quite correct.


Who did it?
What makes the Piltdown fraud so interesting is that the hoaxer was never exposed, certainly during their life time.  Much like horses at the nearby Plumpton race track, a whole field of suspects has been assembled for the hoax of the 20th century.  The most exotically named candidate is Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, a friend of Dawson and later a Jesuit priest.  One of the outsiders in the betting is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Homes, he came into the frame because he lived in Sussex.  

Others runners, who have their backers, are Dawson's friend Smith Woodward, also Sir Grafton Elliot Smith. Lately, there has been speculation that Martin Hinton was the forger as similar material was found in his loft.

A favourite candidate to be the hoaxer is Dawson whose archaeological dig discovered the fossil.  Dawson was an antiquarian; therefore had access to medieval skeleton's from which to build the two fraudulent skulls known as Piltdown I and Piltdown II.  In an attempt to make the skull rust as if with age, someone had cooked it in an iron solution.  Dawson had the knowledge of chemistry needed to age the unusually thick skull so that it looked like a fossil.  

 The main reason for singling out Dawson, is that he had other skeletons in his cupboard.  Investigation shows that Dawson had dodgy form as the faker of other fossils, old letters indicate that the man seemed obsessed with the 'big find'.  

True Story 2.

The Dropping Dead Sea

Cities, countries, rivers and even mountains get named for lots of things, most of which you can figure out on your own. But when it comes to the Dead Sea, one has to wonder who died to give it the moniker. The answer is - everything.

The Dead Sea has such a concentrated salinity, that nothing which breathes, swims, wiggles, or basically is recognizable as a life-form, can exist in its waters. The fascinating part is that the Dead Sea is completely landlocked, and nowhere near the Ocean, which can't hold a shaker to the salt content found here.

Millions of years ago, in this location between Jordan and Israel, the Earth began forming tectonic plates that covered its molten core. You'd think once the outside cooled and hardened, the whole thing would be pretty solid. Not so. Underneath the Dead Sea, the surface of the Earth is becoming thinner by the year, because of a rift that is causing the plates there to separate. As a result, the seabed drops with the movement. Over the millennia, a depression formed that became filled by freshwater rivers that run into it. But there are no waterways that lead out.

Consequently, all of the mineral salts that are picked up in the mountains are carried down to the Dead Sea. And with no outlets, the salts remain there, only to show themselves as water evaporates, particularly around the shoresm which are coated white with it.

The water down to approximately 130 feet, contains 300 grams of salt for every kilogram of water, and past that, a whopping 332 grams. So heavy is the salt content, that it actually manifests itself as residue on the bottom, because the water can't hold any more. The water itself is so dense, that although there is no marine life, there is plenty of human life that enjoy the fun of bobbing because the salt allows them to float without effort.

 Strange News

Zoo Investigates Virgin Shark Birth

Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, Nebraska is investigating the
mysterious birth of a shark to a virgin mother shark.  Three
female sharks live in a tank at the zoo and neither have
ever been close to a male bonnethead shark since they arrived as
pups.  DNA test are being completed to find out which one of the
sharks is the mother and possibly an answer to who the father is.

Chocolate Ecstasy

Wellington, New Zealand - A man accidently fed his family the
drug ecstasy which were secretly were covered in chocolate.
The man had received the package in his mail, which had been
addressed to someone else.  Apparently he could not resist the
chocolates and offered them to his family.  Soon after, the
family started feeling the weird effects of the drug.  Doctors
say that the family will fully recover.

Severed Head Found In Playground

German officials have charged three men with murdering a man
after a drunken fight over €12,50 and then putting his head in a
playground.  The victims head was found in the German town of
Ahlen and was identified by police.  This helped them arrest the
suspects quickly by finding out which people knew the victim.
'The men were drunk and a row ensued during which he was badly
beaten up. Two of the attackers were serving suspended sentences
and realized they would go to jail if he reported them to
police. So they decided to kill him,' prosecutors said.
 

Humour.

The Trouble With Email

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

 

 

Just Like Archie

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi. He climbs into the car, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Archie.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Archie Hobday. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Archie every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Archie. He was a terrific athlete. He could have played for any top premiership team. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more, he had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.'

Passenger. 'Wow, some bloke then?'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.'

Passenger: 'Mmm, there's not many like him around.'

Cabbie: 'And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Archie.'

Passenger: 'Then how do you know so much about him?'

Cabbie: 'I married his flippin widow.'

What it means to be British

One of the British national daily newspapers has been asking for comments about: 'what it means to be British'. Here is a comment from a Swiss national who lived in Britain for 12 years.

'Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV; and the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.'


 
A five Minute Management Lesson.
 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you €800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her €800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the €800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE  


 Answers to last week’s Brain Teasers.

1 A boat is at anchor. Over the side hangs a rope ladder 
with rungs a foot apart. The tide rises at a rate of 10 inches per hour. 
At the end of six hours, how much of the rope ladder will remain 
above water, assuming that 10 feet were above the water when the tide 
began to rise?

Answer: Since the boat is afloat, the water level in 
relation to the ship stays the same. Therefore, 10 feet are above water, 
just as the beginning! 

2 You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the
outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?

Answer: An ear of corn 

3 A steer weighing 630 kilograms requires 13,500 calories a day to 
maintain its weight. That amount of food turns out to be proportional 
to its external surface. How many calories does a steer of 420 kilograms require?

Answer: Weight is proportional to linear dimension (length or girth of the 
steer) cubed. Surface area is proportional to linear dimension 
squared. Therefore,
13,500 x [ ( 420/630)1/3 ] 2 = 10,300 calories

This Week’s  Brain Teasers

1How would you rearrange the letters in the words new door to make one
word? Note: There is only one correct answer. 

2A man has recently escaped from prison and is making his way home on foot. He is walking along a straight rural country lane in bright daylight. He has walked about two miles from the prison, when he sees a police car coming toward him. Despite knowing that all squads would be out looking for him, he ran towards the car for a short while, and only when he was about ten feet away, did he turn and run into the woods to hide. Why did he run towards the police car?

 3In 1985, a person is 15 years old. In 1990 that same person
is 10 years old. How is this possible?

 

Answers next week. You can e-mail your answers to the address below and those with the correct answer(s) will have their names published so everyone can see how brainy they are.

 

 

 

Contributors Required

If anyone would like to contribute to this Newsletter please send info to editor tonyr06@eircom.net. Articles, news, anecdotes etc would be very welcome. If you know anyone who would like to be added to the e-mail mailing list for the Newsletter then please ask them to forward their e-mail addresses to the above or alternatively you can now subscribe to the Newsletter directly from Sarsfields website.

Please note that as part of Sarsfields online privacy policy your E-mail address will not be given to any third parties under any circumstances. Sarsfields online privacy policy can be read in full on the Sarsfields website at www.sarsfieldsgaanewbridge.ie/page8.htm

 


 
 


  
  
  

 

THE SASH Tuesday  9th December 2008

 

The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.

 

 Sarsfields AGM.

The Sarsfields AGM will take place in the Clubhouse this coming Saturday December 13th at 5.30pm. There will be some major personnel changes in the executive committee at the conclusion of the meeting. Chairman Brian Dempsey is stepping down after five years at the helm. Secretary Brendan Ryan has been nominated for Chairman. Tony McConnell has been nominated for Secretary and will be vacating his post of Juvenile Chairman. Christy Horan has been nominated for Vice Chairman to replace Shane Scanlan who is stepping down. Treasurer Marie Clancy is stepping down and Shane Cambell has been nominated as Treasurer. Registrar Deirdre O’Sullivan is stepping down and Kathleen Ryan has been nominated to replace her as Registrar.

Leinster GAA News
 
Brennan issues training warning to Inter County teams

 By Brendan O'Brien

GAA President Nickey Brennan has warned those caught in violation of the
new regulations on collective training will be dealt with severely.

There have been claims at least one senior football panel was
undertaking collective training sessions clandestinely despite the
moratorium introduced this year for the months of November and December.


Central Council decreed last month that any county found to be in breach
of the restrictions would lose 50% of its gate revenue for the National
League.

Brennan reiterated that threat yesterday, but admitted there is only so
much Croke Park can do. 'We are monitoring the situation as best we can.
We are not the kind of people to drive around in the dark at night with
the headlamps turned off, looking over ditches to see are people
training.

'The rumours may well be mischievous but, if we are made aware of
instances, we will have the officers of the county board in here before
us to account for what is going on.'

Some counties have been offered dispensations. The annual Dublin and
Wexford All Star games have been given the green light later this month,
as were Cork for the fixture to mark the 150th anniversary of St
Colman's College last week.

Unlike last year, Brennan and Director General Pauric Duffy have not
become involved in the internal crisis involving the Cork county hurlers
and the president doesn't envisage that stance changing if the standoff
spills into 2009.

'In this life you never say never but I want to make it clear that there
are no plans whatsoever in the short, medium or long-term as of now for
anyone to get involved in the Cork situation.

'As far as we are concerned, there is a Cork team. They played a match
last week so there is a team that has been put out by the county board.'


The situation in Cork carries potential implications for every county in
the GAA but a matter of more widespread relevance to all units is the
economic downturn and how it will effect the association.

The GAA signed two and three-year multi-sponsor contracts to cover their
All-Ireland hurling and football championships respectively this year
and Brennan is confident local structures are strong enough to withstand
the current crisis.

'Sponsors of clubs or county teams tend to be people involved in the GAA
themselves or who employ a lot of people involved in the GAA. It is
their way of paying back the GAA and society in general for what it is
doing in their county. So, I would certainly feel that businesses that
support the GAA will continue to do so.'

Meanwhile, the GAA's operations manager Fergal McGill has expressed
confidence that there will be no wholesale refusal by inter-county
players to co-operate with the current anti-doping regulations.

The GPA recently circulated a text to their members asking if they would
be in favour of withdrawing their support for the programme should their
government-funded grants be withdrawn.

McGill described the test as a 'feeler' and suggested there was no great
appetite for such a course of action despite the GPA claim that an
overwhelming majority of respondents are in favour of the move.

'We, and hopefully they as individuals, want their sport to remain
clean,' said McGill.

'That's the bottom line. The only way we can do that is to have some
sort of anti-doping programme and this one is probably as unobtrusive as
you can get.
'We had just over 70 tests this year and that is a small enough fraction
of our match programme. That was for games and training. It is hard on
the individuals called but most fellas are probably going to get called
only once every three years.'

Kildare’s National League Fixtures for 2009.

Croke Park have issued the following definitive league fixtures for 2009

Kildare kick off their Division 2, 2009 League campaign  on Sunday February 1st, away to Laois at 2-30pm  On Sunday, Feb 15th, Kildare are host to Cork; Sunday, March 8th, Leinster finalists Wexford will be in St. Conleth's Park; March, 15th, Kildare are away to Monaghan;  SundayMarch 22nd,  Kildare are at home to Armagh; Sunday March 29th, away to Fermanagh; and Sunday, April 12th away to Meath in the final league game. For those supporters planning the annual away trip the game against Fermanagh looks like the likely one.

Sarsfields Fundraising Christmas Draw.

 

Tickets are still available  for the club’s fundraising draw priced at €60 or two for €100. The draw will take place in the Clubhouse on Saturday  20th December.1st prize is a Fiat Punto, 2nd prize a €3,500 Holiday Voucher, 3rd prize a 46” Flatscreen TV and 4th prize of €1000 cash..

More Stupid Quotes.

So long as any amount shall remain unpaid under this note, the Borrower covenants and promises to that Bank that the borrower will not permit or suffer to exist any of the following conditions: death of the borrower.
American Security Bank loan agreement

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager

“I think 'immoral' is probably the wrong word to use...I prefer the word 'unethical.'
Ivan Boesky, inside stock trader

wanted all my ducks in a row so if we did get into a posture we could pretty much slam-dunk this thing and put it to bed.
Lee Cooke
, mayor of Austin, TX, abusing cliches

To forcibly remove a politician from office, one has to meet a much higher standard of dishonesty.
Michael Cooney, Santa Barbara, California attorney.

Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.
Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst`

We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.
Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games.
David Garcia, baseball team manager

Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it.
Samuel Goldwyn

Keep a stiff upper chin.
Samuel Goldwyn

This book has too much plot and not enough story.
Samuel Goldwyn

You've got to take the sour with the bitter.
Samuel Goldwyn

We're overpaying him but he's worth it..
Samuel Goldwyn

Don't pay any attention to the critics--don't even ignore them.
Samuel Goldwyn

I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

Please provide the date of your death.
from an American tax revenue service letter.

If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it.
Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company

Cheered by their words with an altogether more positive attitude to boxing...I found myself recalling the words of Marlin Brando in On the Waterfront, 'I could have been a bartender.'
Look Japan magazine article

Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more received slight injuries.
Japan Times article.

He was probably our greatest living painter -- until he died.
LBC British Television News

I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session.
Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House

The people don't take baths and they don't speak English. No golf courses, no room service. Who needs it?
Jim McMahon, NFL football quarterback, on Europe

Sporting Quirkies

Jockey wins first race after 28 years

Horse racing's worst jockey is celebrating his first win after 28 years in the saddle.

Amateur Anthony Knott, 44 - famed for usually coming last - stunned punters by romping to victory at Wincanton in Somerset, reports The Sun.

The dairy farmer jubilantly stood in his saddle to wave to the crowd and was almost overtaken on the finishing line but held on to break his career-long duck at 7-1.

Anthony, who was riding his own horse Wise Men Say over fences in the 2.30, said: 'There was a massive roar from the crowd and it was just instinct to stand up and give them a wave. Then I heard another horse coming up behind me and thought, 'Oh God, it's not finished yet.'

'I'm over the moon. I just wanted to win one race. I've done it now so I think I'll leave it at that.'

The dad of three began racing in 1980 as a lad. He has owned and ridden a string of horses. But his previous finish was coming fifth.

Wife Sarah said: 'I'm just pleased he finally won and didn't hurt himself.'

Fan's brickwork taunt at rivals

A football fan got one over a rival club by paving his team's nickname outside their stadium.

The Birmingham City supporter spelt 'Blues' in dark-coloured bricks at Wolverhampton Wanderers' ground.

And the stunt went unnoticed for at least four years, reports The Sun.

The unknown builder's handiwork, yards from turnstiles at , the Molineux stadium, was shown on video website YouTube.

The West Midlands club have now replaced the brickwork.

Lisa Jones, 40, of nearby Bilston, said: 'When you're on the way in with so many other people you don't really look at the floor.'

Wolves spokesman Matt Grayson added: 'It won't be a big surprise to any of our fans that we walked over the opposition at Molineux.'

Hole in one - on wrong hole

A Devon golfer is the talk of the clubhouse after hitting a hole in one - on the wrong green.

Clive Seymour, 74, was aiming for the par-four 265-yard tenth hole but sliced his drive, reports The Sun

Back on the 330-yard fourth hole, players were bemused as the ball cleared trees, thudded on to their green, and tricked into the hole.

Grandfather of six Clive said: 'It's a great feeling, even if it was in the wrong hole. I used a driver but I really sliced it.'

The retired shopfitter is still the toast of Hele Park Golf Club, in Newton Abbot, Devon.

Manager Wendy Stanbury said: 'It was the talk of the clubhouse. Holes in ones always are but this one was a bit special - we've never had this happen before.

'Unfortunately the ball was out of bounds and he had to replay the shot. But Clive was still chuffed. He has set an interesting club record - the only hole in one in the wrong hole.'

Clive's daughter Julie Callaghan, 47, had a T-shirt made for him featuring a graphic of the shot.

Super sub nets winner with broken foot

An injured footballer threw down his crutches, ripped off his cast and hobbled on to score the winner with his broken right foot.

Ian Williams was meant to be out of action for at least another month but blasted the ball home after pleading to be sent on in the 85th minute.

The sub then limped back off in agony after clinching a 2-1 victory for village side Pontlliw FC against local rivals Pontarddulais Town, near Swansea.

Ian, 29, said: 'I was only on the subs bench to make the numbers up, but when we were still drawing 1-1 with five minutes left to go, I was dying to get on.

'I asked the boss to let put me on, and he said 'if you think you're up to it, then go-ahead'. When the ball hit the back of the net I couldn't believe it.

'I struck it with my right foot and it flew into the top corner. It hurt really bad the minute I struck it. I threw up pretty much straight away and had to be substituted a couple of minutes later.'

Teammate Alun Withey, aged 26, said: 'He put in an imperious performance - even if it was only for two minutes. Scoring the winning goal with a knackered foot is unbelievable. Everybody is talking about it.'

But Ian, who is back in his special air-cast, added: 'It was good to score the winning goal, but I think I'll wait until my foot's properly healed next time.'

True Story.


Piltdown Man Hoax

Perhaps the most famous hoax was Piltdown man.  In 1912, at a time when Darwin's evolutionary theory was new, and people were looking for missing links between humans and apes, someone planted two fake skulls which came to be known as Piltdown Man.

The part medieval man, part Orang-utang fossil was found, in the very English village of Piltdown in Sussex.  Piltdown man's scientific name, Eoanthropus dawsoni, reflected its finder's name Dawson.  To get a flavour of those times, the British Empire was still riding high, and Germany had their Heidelberg man fossil, Britain was desperate for a more important 'missing link' between man and monkey.

For 40 years Piltdown man was literally put on a pedestal and worshipped but not rigorously examined. The hoax lead a charmed life until it was unmasked in 1953. Microscopic examination, X-rays, or carbon dating would have exposed the fraud the impostor much earlier.

Urban myth has it that the fraud was only exposed when a cheeky first year student said to the Professor, 'That skull looks just like an ape's jawbone in a human skull'.  When the Professor said, 'Don't be so silly', the pupil said, 'Look, you can even see where someone has filed down the molars to make them fit the jaw'.  The student was of course quite correct.


Who did it?
What makes the Piltdown fraud so interesting is that the hoaxer was never exposed, certainly during their life time.  Much like horses at the nearby Plumpton race track, a whole field of suspects has been assembled for the hoax of the 20th century.  The most exotically named candidate is Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, a friend of Dawson and later a Jesuit priest.  One of the outsiders in the betting is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Homes, he came into the frame because he lived in Sussex.  

Others runners, who have their backers, are Dawson's friend Smith Woodward, also Sir Grafton Elliot Smith. Lately, there has been speculation that Martin Hinton was the forger as similar material was found in his loft.

A favourite candidate to be the hoaxer is Dawson whose archaeological dig discovered the fossil.  Dawson was an antiquarian; therefore had access to medieval skeleton's from which to build the two fraudulent skulls known as Piltdown I and Piltdown II.  In an attempt to make the skull rust as if with age, someone had cooked it in an iron solution.  Dawson had the knowledge of chemistry needed to age the unusually thick skull so that it looked like a fossil.  

 The main reason for singling out Dawson, is that he had other skeletons in his cupboard.  Investigation shows that Dawson had dodgy form as the faker of other fossils, old letters indicate that the man seemed obsessed with the 'big find'.  

True Story 2.

The Dropping Dead Sea

Cities, countries, rivers and even mountains get named for lots of things, most of which you can figure out on your own. But when it comes to the Dead Sea, one has to wonder who died to give it the moniker. The answer is - everything.

The Dead Sea has such a concentrated salinity, that nothing which breathes, swims, wiggles, or basically is recognizable as a life-form, can exist in its waters. The fascinating part is that the Dead Sea is completely landlocked, and nowhere near the Ocean, which can't hold a shaker to the salt content found here.

Millions of years ago, in this location between Jordan and Israel, the Earth began forming tectonic plates that covered its molten core. You'd think once the outside cooled and hardened, the whole thing would be pretty solid. Not so. Underneath the Dead Sea, the surface of the Earth is becoming thinner by the year, because of a rift that is causing the plates there to separate. As a result, the seabed drops with the movement. Over the millennia, a depression formed that became filled by freshwater rivers that run into it. But there are no waterways that lead out.

Consequently, all of the mineral salts that are picked up in the mountains are carried down to the Dead Sea. And with no outlets, the salts remain there, only to show themselves as water evaporates, particularly around the shoresm which are coated white with it.

The water down to approximately 130 feet, contains 300 grams of salt for every kilogram of water, and past that, a whopping 332 grams. So heavy is the salt content, that it actually manifests itself as residue on the bottom, because the water can't hold any more. The water itself is so dense, that although there is no marine life, there is plenty of human life that enjoy the fun of bobbing because the salt allows them to float without effort.

 Strange News

Zoo Investigates Virgin Shark Birth

Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, Nebraska is investigating the
mysterious birth of a shark to a virgin mother shark.  Three
female sharks live in a tank at the zoo and neither have
ever been close to a male bonnethead shark since they arrived as
pups.  DNA test are being completed to find out which one of the
sharks is the mother and possibly an answer to who the father is.

Chocolate Ecstasy

Wellington, New Zealand - A man accidently fed his family the
drug ecstasy which were secretly were covered in chocolate.
The man had received the package in his mail, which had been
addressed to someone else.  Apparently he could not resist the
chocolates and offered them to his family.  Soon after, the
family started feeling the weird effects of the drug.  Doctors
say that the family will fully recover.

Severed Head Found In Playground

German officials have charged three men with murdering a man
after a drunken fight over €12,50 and then putting his head in a
playground.  The victims head was found in the German town of
Ahlen and was identified by police.  This helped them arrest the
suspects quickly by finding out which people knew the victim.
'The men were drunk and a row ensued during which he was badly
beaten up. Two of the attackers were serving suspended sentences
and realized they would go to jail if he reported them to
police. So they decided to kill him,' prosecutors said.
 

Humour.

The Trouble With Email

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

 

 

Just Like Archie

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi. He climbs into the car, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Archie.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Archie Hobday. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Archie every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Archie. He was a terrific athlete. He could have played for any top premiership team. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more, he had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.'

Passenger. 'Wow, some bloke then?'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.'

Passenger: 'Mmm, there's not many like him around.'

Cabbie: 'And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Archie.'

Passenger: 'Then how do you know so much about him?'

Cabbie: 'I married his flippin widow.'

What it means to be British

One of the British national daily newspapers has been asking for comments about: 'what it means to be British'. Here is a comment from a Swiss national who lived in Britain for 12 years.

'Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV; and the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.'


 
A five Minute Management Lesson.
 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you €800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her €800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the €800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE  


 Answers to last week’s Brain Teasers.

1 A boat is at anchor. Over the side hangs a rope ladder 
with rungs a foot apart. The tide rises at a rate of 10 inches per hour. 
At the end of six hours, how much of the rope ladder will remain 
above water, assuming that 10 feet were above the water when the tide 
began to rise?

Answer: Since the boat is afloat, the water level in 
relation to the ship stays the same. Therefore, 10 feet are above water, 
just as the beginning! 

2 You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the
outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?

Answer: An ear of corn 

3 A steer weighing 630 kilograms requires 13,500 calories a day to 
maintain its weight. That amount of food turns out to be proportional 
to its external surface. How many calories does a steer of 420 kilograms require?

Answer: Weight is proportional to linear dimension (length or girth of the 
steer) cubed. Surface area is proportional to linear dimension 
squared. Therefore,
13,500 x [ ( 420/630)1/3 ] 2 = 10,300 calories

This Week’s  Brain Teasers

1How would you rearrange the letters in the words new door to make one
word? Note: There is only one correct answer. 

2A man has recently escaped from prison and is making his way home on foot. He is walking along a straight rural country lane in bright daylight. He has walked about two miles from the prison, when he sees a police car coming toward him. Despite knowing that all squads would be out looking for him, he ran towards the car for a short while, and only when he was about ten feet away, did he turn and run into the woods to hide. Why did he run towards the police car?

 3In 1985, a person is 15 years old. In 1990 that same person
is 10 years old. How is this possible?

 

Answers next week. You can e-mail your answers to the address below and those with the correct answer(s) will have their names published so everyone can see how brainy they are.

 

 

 

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