THE SASH Tuesday 2nd December 2008
The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.
County Champions
Sash U11 Girls cap a great season for Girls underage football
SARSFIELDS 5-3 ST LAURANCES 0-0
By Jerry Maher
Sarsfields defeated St Laurence’s in the final of the U/11 Girls Div 1 which took place in Ellistown last Saturday morning. The fixture was in doubt right up to the throw-in due to the weather conditions of frost and fog, but after a pitch inspection by ref Shamie Doyle the pitch was deemed safe and playable.
The game itself was a very intense affair with both sides giving very little away and the standard of football was of a high standard with both sides putting some great passing movements together. It was Sarsfields who were able to put scores to these passing moves and this was the difference between the two sides in the end.
Sarsfields started the better of the two teams and dominated the early play but were unable to put scores on the board due to great work by the Laurence’s defence, Ciara Flood in goal playing particularly well at this stage of the game. Laura Scales scored the only goal of the first half with a soccer style goal when she pulled on the ball first time and sent the ball low and hard to the net. This seem to settle the Sarsfields girls who went on to score two more points, Carla O’Reilly and Laura Scales being the scorers, and leaving the Sash five points clear at the break.
In the second half Laurence’s started the better, with Ciara Wheeler and Emma Dargen playing well, took the game to Sarsfields but were unable to breach the Sarsfield defence. Emma Lyons at fullback, and Brooke Dunne at centre halfback both playing their best football of the year let nothing past them and as a result the Larries found it very hard to score. Shauna Kendrick at full forward was always a thorn in the Laurence’s side ending the game with two goals. Carla O’Reilly, Molly Price and Laura Scales worked hard up front, Emily Aulsberry and Gemma Harnett at midfield dominated the sector for the Sash throughout. As the final whistle blew Sarsfields had come out victors against a very gallant Laurances side, thus remaining undefeated for the season.
Sarsfields: Katie English, Niamh Hannon, Laura Begley , Anna lawless, Brooke Dunne, Rachael Mahoney, Emily Aulsberry, Gemma Hartnett, Molly Price, Ceola Walsh, Laura Scales, Rachael Greenan, Carla O Reilly, Shauna Kendrick, Kelly Fisher, Ciara Morris, Eimear Maher, Orlaith Taylor, Orlaith Taylor, Clodagh Leahy,
Ceomhie Monaghan, Carrie Hannon, Alannah Hillard, Mascots on the day
Ciara Price ,Sarah Brady.
See photos in the juvenile gallery tomorrow. www.sarsfieldsgaanewbridge.ie
Dema Houlihan becomes new Ladies Foootball Secretary
Best wishes to Dema Houlihan who was appointed Ladies Football secretary on Sunday last at the Ladies AGM. Many thanks to his predecessor Noel Dinneny and former Chairman Seamus McCabe for their service over the years. The following positions are still vacant on the Ladies Committee: Chairman, Vice Chairman and PRO.
Leinster GAA News
GAA vision is hindered by glaring oversights
By Eugene McGee
Monday December 01 2008
Once Liam Mulvihill departed the Director-General’s hot seat in Croke Park, it was clear that a regime change was about to hit the GAA and so it has turned out.
Not alone did the DG retire, but so too did long-serving PRO Danny Lynch and Games Manager Sean O Laoire, meaning three top officials in Croke Park were gone.
So, it is hardly a co-incidence that, last week, a major document called ‘The GAA Strategic Vision and Action Plan 2009-2015’ was launched to emphasise changes in the running of the Association.
This is a mighty document, which has incorporated the views of 8,000 people over the past year or more, aimed at pushing all aspects of the GAA to new heights in six years’ time. Time will tell, of course, but nobody can accuse the GAA of being complacent or lacking in adventure. There are elaborate plans outlined for all aspects of the organisation and it would be great if they work out.
But there are matters not dealt with in this 46-page document that may cause surprise and I will deal with some of these that affect the ordinary GAA person, with no illusions of grandeur.
THE OFFICIAL GUIDE — The GAA urgently needs to scrap the antiquated and poorly-presented Rule Book. It should be replaced by one a quarter the present size, written in modern language that everybody can understand and it should be composed mainly by legal people with GAA connections, so the farcical decisions we constantly see at committee level will disappear. The current official guide is the laughing stock of the country. It must be scrapped long before 2015.
CLUB GAMES — Fixture-making for GAA clubs in many counties is a disgrace and, in recent weeks, we have seen shocking examples of the way players are abused by having an avalanche of delayed games steamrolled into the end of the season. This is down to club games being ignored through poor fixture-making. I think the Eire Og club in Carlow, on successive weekends, played seven championship games, three that went to extra-time.
DIRTY PLAY — In a learned document such as we got last week, the term ‘dirty play’ could never be allowed to sully the fine writing, but any person remotely involved in the game knows the biggest blot on the good name of the GAA is the continual outbursts of dirty play and violence all over the country. To date, the GAA has made little progress in stopping this activity and the document scarcely mentions the subject.
AMATEUR MYTHS — The booklet states: ‘All our members play and engage in our games as amateurs’.
So, how do we describe trainers of club teams who are being paid €150 per night and more, or county team managers earning between €50,000 and €100,000 per year tax free? Is that a new definition by the GAA of the word ‘amateur’? Much better to use the word ‘hypocrisy’.
QUALITY OF FOOTBALL — We have had intensive and so-called scientific coaching over the past 20 years and the quality of football has not improved a great deal.
In fact, many believe that football has been fundamentally damaged by over-coaching and a lack of attention to the basic skills — particularly high catching, accurate long-kicking and scoring points from long range. Many of the leading players are, of course, experts in these areas, but rank and file players often fall back on possession football, in which holding onto the ball by overuse of handpassing is the main feature.
This requires little skill, but high levels of fitness which well-paid trainers will be happy to provide. But don’t ask these lads to score a point from 30 yards out on the wing!
I would have thought more attention in this document would have been paid to the state of football since, surely, the whole rationale for the GAA is the promotion of football and hurling to the highest standard possible, for as many players as possible.
ELITE SQUADS — These have become a craze in GAA circles for the past 10 years. They should be scrapped because, in many cases, young boys are being assembled as potential county players from 14 upwards. However, the GAA is littered with famous names who only started making an impact from 16 to 20.
In that age group, many are shut out because the elite squads represent a closed shop. Coaching for young lads is fine, but not while being classified as ‘county players’ at the age of 14.
RURAL DEPOPULATION — This is a growing problem and organisations like the Rural Dwellers Association are trying to combat the decline of rural-based clubs. In many cases, the rural parish ethos, which is at the very heart of the GAA, is being eroded because more and more people are moving to towns. To date, 158 players from small rural clubs have won All-Ireland medals with Kerry, but that is changing.
The GAA should be using all of its power to fully encourage and develop rural clubs.
DUBLIN STRUCTURES — Dublin spurned the opportunity at the last review to make fundamental changes to their structures, within the county and city, so the GAA will have to look again at what to do. Money has, and will be, poured into Dublin GAA but one county board in charge of 1.5 million people is a joke.
So, while the new Strategic Review is very necessary for the future, the points I have listed are also important — and urgent.
Memo to GAA: You don’t call a dentist to fix your plumbing
The process of selecting managers needs a rethink, says Colm O’Rourke
Almost all the seats on the management merry-go-round are now filled, the only guarantee being that by next summer there will be plenty of vacancies for the next spin of the wheel.
Even those who do a good job might jump or be pushed off as the GAA takes on some of the worst excesses of professional sport. For many, even winning a provincial title is unrealistic but the easy option is rearrange the deck chairs rather than having a cold look at what would represent progress.
In many cases, the first difficulty is caused by the method of selecting managers. This is a specialised job, there is no vacancy of such high profile in the private or public sector where the appointment would be made by people who have no experience in that regard, yet most county boards insist on doing business in this way and then wonder why things go wrong. At least in Dublin and Cavan they went about things in the right way. It does not necessarily mean they will win anything but by getting people with management experience as advisers, they gave themselves a better chance of getting the right man as manager.
County Board officers are there because of their ability to run fixtures, finance and a thousand other things which many complain about but few ever want to do. Picking the most important management position in the county is not one of them. You don’t call the dentist to fix your plumbing and vice versa.
The only one involved from board should be the chairman; after that, there is a need for a couple of people with relevant managerial experience and a players’ representative, although their nominee should not be a current player. This would solve a lot of problems which have surfaced in Donegal, Cork and, unfortunately, in Meath too where the appointment of Eamonn O’Brien turned into a farce. It was a choice that could have been made three months ago and so give the new management team a chance to see all the talent in the closing stages of the local championships.
I feel sorry for all the candidates who were left hanging on for so long. It is no way to treat people with the good of the county at heart. And, as I have said before, there is enough talent and committed players to make Meath into a top-six side fairly quickly.
In Donegal, the fallout and bitterness is even worse — friends and colleagues from an All-Ireland winning team who don’t regard themselves as team-mates any longer. It is time for them all to see the value of what they have been through as players. I could never see myself burning bridges with those I played with for many hard years, however hard done by I might feel. It is not like that in Cork as the sundering of relationships continues. One of the most amazing things for me is to see real heroes of
the game and in general mild-mannered men like the O’Connors, John Gardiner and Seán óg ó hAilpín willing to go to such lengths. The county board wounds have cut deep there and the hidden hand still seems to pull the strings.
The first casualty of war is truth. A good general always has a fallback position and I hope the players have thought of that. Gerald McCarthy should consider this too because he can win all the rounds he likes with the county board and the media, but he has lost the only thing that is truly important: his own players.
DCU to create indoor version of Croke Park
GAVIN CUMMISKEY Reports
GAELIC GAMES/STADIUM DEVELOPMENT:
DUBLIN CITY University have announced audacious plans to create an indoor version of the Croke Park pitch at their north Dublin sports facility, St Clare’s. By replicating the parameters of the GAA’s main field, and with a grass surface and transparent roof, the university will be in demand from all intercounty teams seeking to prepare for high summer championship visits to the Jones’ Road.
That this venture is fronted by former GAA President Peter Quinn adds serious credence to the venture. Quinn, a brother of Ireland’s wealthiest businessman, Seán, and a respected financial advisor in his own right, played an instrumental role in the crucial stages of the redevelopment of Croke Park during his term of office between 1991 and 1994.
Quinn revealed the plans in a speech at the announcement of Bank of Ireland’s five-year sponsorship deal with the DCU GAA academy in Dublin yesterday.
The cost for DCU’s new state of the art indoor facilities is conservatively estimated at €15 million. A completion date of 2013 and capacity of 10,000 were also tentatively mentioned by Quinn.
‘Its primary use will be for testing and training and that sort of thing but matches will be played on it. We would hope to host inter-county challenge matches.’
The initial stages of planning have been submitted to Fingal County Council with a hope to begin construction over the next 24 months.
‘We would like to think it will be finished in five years but a lot will depend on the planners and our ability to raise the funds,’ Quinn continued. ‘We will obviously be looking for some support from the Government. I’m glad we’re not going for it this year.
‘Indications are fairly positive in relation to planning but until you actually have the green form in your hand and it is signed you can’t be sure. In any sort of construction project like this and particularly one in north Dublin at the moment with the Luas (A DCU stop is planed for the new Metro North route, with an unconfirmed completion date also of 2013) and issues like that involved we have to be a little careful about being too specific about when the project is going to start, but the reality is that we are in a position to start raising the funding as soon as we are sure the project is ready to start.
‘The funding will be significant. It will be double digit millions but, you know, we will get a project that will definitely be value for money.’
DCU Professor for Health and Human performance Niall Moyna was keen to note the technological and self-sufficient advantages of such an indoor arena.
‘Hopefully we’ll have a backdrop where we can mimic different grounds in the country,’ said Moyna. ‘Let’s say, if you’re taking a free you can actually see Hill 16 and the crowd noise, we can mimic wind patterns, rain. These are some of the visions that we have for this centre. So if an inter-county team wanted to come up and train for the weekend at the end of it they’d get a full review of what each and every player had done.
‘In the current economic climate maybe we’re going to have to sit back and say well, hold on, we just can’t do everything we wanted to do but you have to have that vision, a bold vision to do something that nobody else has done before and bring it to a whole new level.’
The Dublin footballers will be working with Moyna on the DCU campus for the 2009 season but Quinn dismissed any potential conflict with the Dublin County Board plans to build their own centre of excellence on the 25-acre site in Rathcoole, which recently received a planning permission green light but must still go through An Bord Pleanála’s objection process.
‘It will effectively be an indoor stadium with the exception that it has a (transparent) roof and therefore it has a limit to the height the ball can go,’ Quinn explained. ‘Clearly, that might not be appropriate for championship football but we would have said 10 years ago that playing under floodlights wasn’t appropriate for championship football and now half the county club championships in the country are played under floodlights on Saturday night. The provincial stages of the All-Ireland club championships are played under lights as we saw last Sunday for example.
‘So, what was impossible 10 years ago and might be impossible today may not be impossible 10 years from now. We just have to see how the game develops and how the facility will develop.
‘Certainly, we will have a facility that will be playable 365 days a year with an extra day in the leap year, and 24 hours a day.
‘It will be made available to the local community as well. There are a number of clubs in the area around it but we are thinking more in terms of community, but clubs can use it too.’
Kildare’s National League Fixtures for 2009.
Croke Park have issued the following definitive league fixtures for 2009
Kildare kick off their Division 2, 2009 League campaign on Sunday February 1st, away to Laois at 2-30pm On Sunday, Feb 15th, Kildare are host to Cork; Sunday, March 8th, Leinster finalists Wexford will be in St. Conleth’s Park; March, 15th, Kildare are away to Monaghan; SundayMarch 22nd, Kildare are at home to Armagh; Sunday March 29th, away to Fermanagh; and Sunday, April 12th away to Meath in the final league game. For those supporters planning the annual away trip the game against Fermanagh looks like the likely one.
Sarsfields Fundraising Christmas Draw.
Tickets are now on sale for the club’s fundraising draw priced at €60 or two for €100. The draw will take place in the Clubhouse on Saturday the 20th December.1st prize is a Fiat Punto, 2nd prize a €3,500 Holiday Voucher, 3rd prize a 46” Flatscreen TV and 4th prize of €1000 cash..
More Stupid Quotes.
‘Does the album have any songs you like that aren’t on it?
– Harry News, music reviewer
‘From an early age I was aware of what America meant, and how the Marines at Camp Pendleton were ready to defend us at a moment’s notice. I also remember what fabulous bodies those troops had.’
– Heather Locklear, Actress
‘Sonny Liston has a very unusual injury, a dislocated soldier.’
– Henry Cooper, former boxer and BBC Boxing commentator
‘Coming on to pitch is Mike Moore, who is six-foot-one and 212 years old.’
– Herb Score, Sportscommentator
‘A period novel! About the Civil War! Who needs the Civil War now — who cares?’
– Herbert R. Mayes (Editor of the Pictorial Review ), turning down a prepublication offer to serialize Margaret Mitchell’s novel Gone with the Wind, 1936
‘Give Bill a second term, and Al Gore and I will be turned loose to do what we really want to do.’
– Hillary Clinton, former first lady, at a Democratic fundraiser
‘Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.’
– Hong Kong dental advertisement
‘For the majority of people, the use of tobacco has a beneficial effect.’
– Dr. Ian G. MacDonald, Los Angles Surgeon, as Quoted in Newsweek November 18, 1969.
‘I deny the allegations and I defy the alligators!’
– Indicted Chicago Alderman
‘FIRST, CARRY TO FIRE.’
– Instructions on a fire extinguisher
‘Passive activity income does not include the following: Income for an activity that is not a passive activity.’
-American tax form 8583, Passive Activity Loss Limitation
‘Secretaries for openings in college administrative areas. Good typing, word processing helpful. Able to interfere with faculty, staff, and students.’
– Irondequoit, NY want-ad
‘Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything.’
– Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel
Strange News
Armed robbers steal first aid kit instead of cash.
Armed robbers who held up a money courier made off with his first aid kit instead of the suitcase full of cash.
The two bandits pursued the courier at high speed before shooting at his vehicle and forcing him to stop on a road in Gronau, Germany.
Forcing the boot open, one of the crooks snatched a case before fleeing again. But instead of taking the money, he made off with a first aid kit.
Police spokesman Johann Steinlitz said, ‘If there was an award for the dumbest crooks they would certainly be in the running. But even though they did not get what they were after, we are still investigating for attempted armed robbery and endangering lives. Luckily the courier was not harmed in the incident.’
5 Years Behind Bars For Killer Zookeeper
A Chinese zookeeper has been sent to prison for five years by a
Chinese court killing rare animals as an act of revenge against
his boss. Wang Deyi, 44, guilty of used rat poison to kill five
deer and two Malay bears — all rare or endangered species — at
the zoo where he worked. He also poisoned a rare leopard which
survived. According to Chinese law, rare and endangered animals
are protected by the state, whether they live in the wild or in
captivity.
Man Makes Soup Out Of Body Parts
A man from Nigeria confessed to killing his boss and making a
soup out of her body parts. Salifu Ojo, 23, was arrested last
Wednesday. Ojo killed his 40 year old boss, Christiana Elijah,
because of a argument over his pay. The man chopped of her
head, hands, and legs, and then took out her internal organs and
put them in his soup. He then drank the soup, and ended up
vomitting. He eventually confessed to his fellow workers what
he had done.
Friday the 13th Superstitions
Most cultures have superstitions centred on the number thirteen. Let us start with a Greek word, which will impress your friends: Paraskevidekatriaphobia, meaning an irrational, even morbid, fear of Friday the 13th.
The Greeks also have word for fears associated with number 13 Triskaidekaphobia [triss-ka-deck-ah-phobia]. Interestingly, the Greeks traditional rivals the Turks have virtually removed 13 from their vocabulary.
I have a challenge for you. The next time visit one of those tall office blocks, see if they have a 13th Floor. In fact anytime you hail a lift, see if it has a button for the 13th Floor.
One superstition is that if 13 people sit down to dinner together, all will die within the year. One form of this legend dates back to the Norse god of mischief – Loki. The saga tells of Loki gate-crashing a party bringing the number of guests to 13. To cut a long saga short, Balder the good was killed. For this reason Norwegians believe that 13 at a dinner party is bad luck.
Beware naming your children with 13 letters in their name, they may be cursed for example, Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson.
Warning: count your women because there are 13 witches in a coven.
How many loaves are there in a ‘Baker’s Dozen’? It is superstition that prevents this number be mentioned by name, in fact the extra loaf, presumably the runt of the litter, was baked as a special bribe for the devil not to spoil the batch of loaves.
[Will likes this one because of his surname – Baker].
Sportsmen are notoriously superstitious and many teams avoid using number 13 in their squads. Dan Marino broke most of the quarterback’s records, he fearlessly wore number 13 throughout his career with the Miami Dolphins. However, some say his number was his undoing and is responsible for his epithet, ‘The greatest quarterback never to win a Super Bowl’. Fate played it’s part in Super Bowl XIX, where Dan Marino (13) was beaten by his nemesis Joe Montana who preferred number 16 on his back
[Guy likes this one because of his love of American Football].
In the Bible, Luke’s Gospel Chapter 22, tells us that there were 13 present at the Last Supper. There is evidence that this Last Supper was held on a Friday, and of course this is when Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus Christ to the Romans.
Some people are so afraid that they refuse to get out of bed, or go to work on Friday 13th. A study in the BMJ [British Medical Journal] in 1993 looked into the relationship between driving and road accidents in the UK on two separate Fridays: the 6th and the 13th. This study was carried out over a period of years. They eventually concluded that, ‘Friday 13th is unlucky for some. The risk of hospital admission as a result of a transport accident may be increased by as much as 52 percent. Staying at home is recommended.’
Friday 13th Dates
In 2006 Friday the 13th falls in the months of January and in October.
In 1998 Friday 13th appeared three times in the calendar, February, March and November. The next year that we will have three Friday 13ths will be 2009. Again, Friday the 13th falls in the months of February, March and November in 2009. Most other years have two Friday the 13th. While occasionally, years have only one Friday 13th, it is impossible for a year to pass without any Fridays the 13th.
True Story.
Morgan Robertson Had a Sinking Feeling
Whenever there is a tragic event, there are soothsayers and other psychic individuals who rush forward with their tales of how the birds in their backyard hung upside down from the clothesline by one leg, and forecast the disaster. But there is usually no real proof to back up their claims.
This wasn’t the case, with the sinking of the Titanic in 1912. Fourteen years before the ship went down, Morgan Robertson published a book called Futility, in which a ship called the Titan, sank. The great ship had been built with 19 water-tight compartments and was capable of staying afloat, even if nine of them were full of water. Because of the latest technology that went into her creation, and made it so superior, the Titan carried only the minimum number of lifeboats required: 24, with places for 500 of her 3,000 passengers.
Eventually, in his book, the Titan struck an iceberg on the starboard side, while in the North Atlantic on her maiden voyage. The month was April. Only 13 people survived.
In 1912, perhaps capitalizing on the bizarre event forecast in his story, Robertson had his book reprinted under the title Wreck of the Titan. In it, the outstanding similarities remained the same as the 1898 version. He did change a few ‘minor’ details, which in no way altered the outcome, or the potential for disaster. He increased the weight to slightly more than the real Titanic, and upped the horsepower to 50% more than the real ship. What he was trying to prove with those alterations, nobody knows.
Robertson himself, was the son of a Great Lakes ship captain. He would run away as a teenager, to join the Merchant Marine, rising to the rank of First Mate, before leaving the sea. He died in March of 1915, in Atlantic City, where his body was found in front of an open window, overlooking the ocean.
Humour.
Here are actual calls to computer technical support reps:
Customer: I’m trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn’t work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you’ve got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah….
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven’t got a computer. It’s in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen…..
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
==============================================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it into the computer yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry….
==============================================================
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
==============================================================
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
==============================================================
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
A lesson in Irish Economics
Young Paddy, moved to Roscommon and bought a
Donkey from a farmer for €100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the
Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but
I have some bad news, the donkey died.’
Paddy replied,
‘Well,then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said,
‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Paddy said,
‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked,
‘What are ya gonna do with him?
Paddy said,
‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said,
‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’
Paddy said,
‘Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with
Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Paddy said,
‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two euro’s a piece and made
a profit of €898.00.’
The farmer said,
‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Paddy said,
‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two Euros back.’
Paddy now works for the Irish Government.
Thanks to Leo Kennedy for that one.
Men and Barbeques
While the summer gone by wasn’t even a summer by Irish standards therefore it is important to refresh your memory in case we get a good summer next year on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it’s the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the Barbeque, usually on a Saturday, the following chain of events are put into motion:
Barbeque Routine
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. And grabs another beer from the fridge. It’s important to remember that these two actions need to be done almost simultaneously.
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN while she hands him another beer. After all it’s thirsty work slaving over a hot smoky barbeque
More routine…..
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘her night off.’ And, upon seeing her
annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women….
14 Reasons To Allow Drinking On The Job
1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable
Criminal Runs Background Check On Himself And Is Nabbed At Cyber-Speed
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida — The Internet has made law enforcement’s job a little easier, at least in the case of one crook who used a service called Case Breakers to find out exactly how much trouble he was in.
Usually, search and background check information is kept strictly confidential. Except in serious criminal investigations – like, for instance, if there’s a major outstanding warrant out for someone’s arrest!
Prominently featured on the Case Breakers website is this notice:
‘Due to the nature of this search, sometimes when a record is found, a police agency or government agency may contact us for information about the case – we will release all information about the request to the agency.’
But apparently this mastermind didn’t bother to read the disclaimer. He provided his legitimate credit card information to order the $43 outstanding warrant search.
That’s money he probably wishes he hadn’t spent, because the transaction was automatically flagged. Thirty minutes later, FBI agents had his home address and phone number in hand.
Case Breakers reports he’s now behind bars ‘for a very long time.’ Maybe he can use that time to check out a copy of ‘Internet for Dummies’ from the prison library.
Over Sixties One-liners
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, ‘Did I wake you?’
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don’t even realise it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time. Friedrich Nietzsche
Idiots At Work – Chronicles Of Workplace Stupidity
A WEIGHTY SUBJECT
A woman called a travel agent and asked, ‘Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?’ The agent replied, ‘No, why do you ask?’ The timid sounding woman said, ‘Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?’ After putting her on hold for a minute while the agent regained her composure she explained to the woman that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. Makes you wonder if the woman saw the word “terminal” on her luggage if she would have thought she was really sick.
A REAL TRAVEL ADVENTURE
A rather confused woman called to make reservations; ‘I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.’ Needless to say, the agent was rather confused by the request. ‘Are you sure that’s the name of the town?’ ‘Yes, I’m sure,’ said the client. ‘What flights to you have?’ The agent got on the computer and tried every airport code in the country but couldn’t come up with a city named Hippopotamus. She finally got back on the phone and told the person on the other end that she had had no luck locating a city with that name. ‘Oh, don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!’ The agent scoured the map of New York state looking for any city that might vaguely sound or look like Hippopotamus. Finally, and as a last ditch effort; asked the woman, ‘You don’t, by any chance mean Buffalo, do you?’ ‘Oh, right, that’s it. I knew it was a big animal.’
WORKING YOUR WAY UP FROM THE BOTTOM
A ‘Whistleblower’ is someone who discovers and then reports illegal or unscrupulous activity in the workplace. One vigilant British worker, who obviously had some spare time on his hands or intestinal problems, measured several rolls of toilet paper and found they only had 200 sheets as opposed to the 320 sheets stated in the contract with the supplier. His employer, West Somerset District Council, demanded the vendor wipe the slate clean and was awarded almost £40,100. The employer’s compensation for saving the company nearly £40,000? He was given a few days off. So if the company is ever ‘rolled’ you can be sure who did it.
JUST LET ME ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS FIRST
Businesses are only as good as the people they hire. We’ve all come across people in stores, on the phone or in offices and wondered to ourselves ‘How did they get hired?’ Well, sometimes there’s not a lot out there to choose from. A questionnaire was sent out to Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations asking them to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. Here are some of their responses:
* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
* Candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewers office.
* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
* Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
RESUME OR RESUME NOT
In keeping with the ‘How did they get hired’ question posed earlier, Fortune Magazine (July 21, 1997) put out an article which listed items from real resumes and cover letters. Here are some highlights:
* ‘I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms. ‘
* ‘Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.’
* ‘It’s best for employers that I not work with people.’
* ‘Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.’
* ‘I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. ‘
* ‘My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. ‘
* ‘The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. ‘
* ‘References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me. ‘
LET’S SEE WHAT DEVELOPS
A female employee of Eastman Kodak is suing the company under the Americans With Disabilities Act. The woman claims she suffers from ‘seasonal affective disorder,’ a form of depression, and wants Kodak to provide more light where she works – in a photographic darkroom.
QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS
We’ve all heard the expression ‘there’s no such thing as a stupid question’ right? Well, see for yourself. Here are some of the answers from a questionnaire sent out to a number of employers asking, ‘What’s the strangest question they’ve been asked during an interview? ‘
Among the responses were:
* ‘What is it that you people do at this company?’
* ‘Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?’
* ‘Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland? ‘
* ‘Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?’
Defined By Gender
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes ‘look bigger.’
Male: The remains of a cigarette.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
Answers to last week’s Brain Teasers.
1 A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of
other people there. They were all naked and all looked as
they died at the age of 21. He looked around to see if there was
anyone he recognized. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that
they were Adam and Eve. How did he know?
Answer: He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people
without navels. Because they were not born of women, they
had never had umbilical cords, and therefore they never had navels
2 Sally promised Kate today that she will tell Kate a big secret on the day before four days from the day after tomorrow. If today is Saturday the 13th, on what day and date will Sally tell Kate her big secret?
Answer: Thursday the 18th
3 Use the digits 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 once only, in this multiplication sum to make it correct.
? ?
x ?
——-
? ? ?
Answer: 54
x3
—–
162
This Week’s Brain Teasers
1 A boat is at anchor. Over the side hangs a rope ladder
with rungs a foot apart. The tide rises at a rate of 10 inches per hour.
At the end of six hours, how much of the rope ladder will remain
above water, assuming that 10 feet were above the water when the tide
began to rise?
2 You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the
outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?
3 A steer weighing 630 kilograms requires 13,500 calories a day to
maintain its weight. That amount of food turns out to be proportional
to its external surface. How many calories does a steer of 420 kilograms require?
Answers next week. You can e-mail your answers to the address below and those with the correct answer(s) will have their names published so everyone can see how brainy they are.
Contributors Required
If anyone would like to contribute to this Newsletter please send info to editor tonyr06@eircom.net. Articles, news, anecdotes etc would be very welcome. If you know anyone who would like to be added to the e-mail mailing list for the Newsletter then please ask them to forward their e-mail addresses to the above or alternatively you can now subscribe to the Newsletter directly from Sarsfields website.
Please note that as part of Sarsfields online privacy policy your E-mail address will not be given to any third parties under any circumstances. Sarsfields online privacy policy can be read in full on the Sarsfields website at www.sarsfieldsgaanewbridge.ie/page8.htm
