The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.
MFC Semi-Final Sarsfields 3-13 Na Fianna 0-3
Congratulations to our minors and management team of Tommy Gorman, Noel Crinnigan, Kevin McCormack and John Loughlin and Kevin Horgan who have qualified for their third County Final in four seasons after they comprehensively defeated Na Fianna by a massive 19 points in Sunday’s Semi final. They will now face Athy who beat Ballyna in the other Semi-Final on Saturday. A goal after 8 minutes from Sarsfields full forward Declan Craddack set the young Sash on their way. Leading by 1-3 to 0-2 they kicked on scoring 5 points without reply to lead at the break by 1-8 to 0-2.
The second half was all one-way traffic as Sarsfields piled on the pressure and playing a lovely attractive brand of football. Hopefully they can go on and make it two in a row. See full Match report in the local papers tomorrow and on the Sarsfields Website. www.sarsfieldsgaanewbridge.ie or google Sarsfields GAA Newbridge.
Camogie Change
Change of venue for tonight’s intermediate Camogie replay against Cappagh. Instead of Raheens at 6.30 the game has been switched to Athy at 7.30.
Note from Juvenile Chairman Tony McConnell
Next Sunday the 5th of October the senior team play Moorefield in the semi final of the championship at 4.30pm.
The under 8 team will provide half time entertainment, playing the Moorefield under 8’s.
Eddie Lynch has organized ”guess the score” for the semi final. Please return all forms and monies by Saturday. Anybody with out forms please contact Eddie Lynch.
I would ask all juvenile managers to encourage their players to come out and support the senior team next Sunday. It is hoped that we will all meet up on the terrace at the Athgarven Rd end of the pitch.
Thanks Tony
GAA Museum Announcement
Sam Maguire & Kildare
The Man, The Trophy and The Match
All Ireland of 1928 — 80th anniversary of the first presentation of the Sam Maguire
Thursday 9th October, 7pm – Croke Park Museum
The GAA Museum is pleased to present a special evening of talks focusing on Sam Maguire and Kildare’s win of the first Sam Maguire trophy in 1928. Professor Mike Cronin will speak on the man who lends his name to the famous All-Ireland cup, while Eoghan Corry will present a talk on Kildare’s first and last win to date of the Sam Maguire cup. Dr. Paul Rouse will chair the evening. Adults 10, Student/Senior 7. Booking is essential as places are limited.
Venue-GAA Museum, Cusack Stand , Croke Park. Entry is off Clonliffe Road and there is ample car parking within the stadium. Those coming from north Kildare might consider the Maynooth to Drumcondra rail service with Drumcondra station just being a short walk from the museum entrance on Clonliffe Road. For more information and booking- Selina O’Regan Education Officer . Tel- 01 8192361. Email- soregan@crokepark.ie
Leinster GAA News
GAA stars go against the head
By Jim O’Sullivan
FORMER Heineken Cup winner Trevor Brennan and ex-national rugby fitness coach Mike McGurn have been assisting the preparation of Ireland’s top footballers for next month’s International Rules Series.
Brennan, who won 13 international caps, and McGurn who assisted Fermanagh footballers this season, have overseen the squad’s tackling drills ahead of the resumption of the hybrid competition which has been marred by ill-discipline in recent years.
Irish boss Sean Boylan explained the reasoning for their involvement which he stressed was for free and was not done in an effort to improve the visitor’s physicality.
‘Both have played Gaelic games and both understand the game. If you remember two years ago the (Irish) team went out to Toulouse and we were extraordinarily well looked after by the people out there and Trevor took a couple of the training sessions then. And, so many of the coaches that are here were all involved with teams.
‘We just wanted somebody to show it to them (tackling) and show it to them right and Mike McGurn as you know has been with the Irish rugby team for the seven years and is now with Ospreys. He did the training with Fermanagh this year.
‘None of these lads would hear of taking a penny to come down and do it (in Dunboyne). They were just absolutely honoured as an Irishman to be there.
‘So many want to see that we get it right and I am delighted to get any help that we can get.’
Meanwhile, GAA President Nickey Brennan is as confident as he realistically can be that the contests will be free of the violence in Croke Park two years ago which all but forced the abandonment of the concept.
And in an effort to improve relations between Boylan said that the squads would meet socially, starting before the opening test in Perth on October 24.
Said Brennan: ‘I would be a brave man to turn around to say I am 100% confident, but we have worked to try and ensure we brought the series back on track. And I believe the Australians are very genuine and very sincere in wanting the series to continue and wanting to change how it is going to be run.
‘The vibes coming from the Australian manager Mick Malthouse would indicate to us that the series is important to them and he wants a sporting series and a competitive series. On that basis I am as confident as one can realistically be – because I don’t want to contemplate the consequences if it’s not.”
Boylan is pleased with the amount of work on both sides to bring clarity to players regarding the rules.
‘This is what caused confusion (the last time), not just for the Irish referee or the Irish officials but for the Australians as well. When the lads go out they will understand the rules and they will want to be as competitive as they can. The most important thing for this series is restoring people’s confidence in the game.”
Pat Daly, the GAA’s Head of Games, pointed out that the AFL are prepared to suspend a player for nine weeks for any serious breach of discipline on the Australian side while the GAA’s Central Council will be asked at a meeting on Saturday week to agree to have penalties imposed on any Irish players to apply to the National Football League. Brennan acknowledged this might be viewed as lenient from the GAA, but applying bans to the championship ‘was never a runner’. On the issue of sanctions, he said that while it hadn’t been a make-or-break issue in negotiations with the AFL, it was ‘very important’.
‘We stressed from an early stage that one of the ways we could restore confidence in the series was that the discipline would apply in the various codes. To be fair to the AFL, when the matter was raised there wasn’t an object. They realised that to bring credibility to the disciplinary process they would have to apply (in AFL games). It’s quite strong from an Australian point of view. For ours to apply in the National League we feel it will be a strong deterrent.”
Daly added: ‘An element of lawlessness crept into the game. Blame can be apportioned on both sides but I believe we have ironed out the wrinkles as best we can. At the end of the day they are two different codes, played under entirely different sets of rules. And we’ve got the best balance.”
On the thorny issue of young GAA stars being signed up by AFL clubs, Boylan said he didn’t accept the view that there was a danger that they would lose more by renewing contact. ‘There was no series last year and never as many went out to Australia. But, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are going to stay there.”
The issue will be considered by leaders from both sides when they meet in Australia, with the GAA boss saying that there was no question of future series being contingent on the AFL agreeing to new regulations to curb the traffic. ‘We are going with a clear picture of what we want to say to them and other things will emerge,” he said.
Of the other Irish players involved with AFL clubs, ex-Down star Martin Clarke is ruled out with an ankle injury, but Colm Begley (Laois), who impressed in the last series, will be available and will train with the squad this week-end.
Boylan also expressed regret that his chosen captain, Tadhg Kennelly will not be available, with Tour Manager Sean Walsh (the former Kerry chairman) confirming that the Sydney Swans star will be undergoing surgery on his shoulder
Confirming that he had yet to decide on his replacement as captain, Boylan admitted that the squad (which he hopes to name on Monday week) will feature ‘no more than ten players’ who have previous experience of the series.
Video ref to watch the action
APART from the Australian Football League agreeing that sanctions imposed on any of their players for violent behaviour will apply to their own game, the biggest innovation for this year’s series will be the use of a video referee. He has been named as Ian Curlewis, a lawyer from South Africa, who has experience in officiating and chairing disciplinary committees in rugby, cricket, hockey and tennis.
According to the GAA’s Head of Games, Pat Daly, he will be in a position to contact the referee in the event of ‘any red card or yellow card’ infractions.
No more than 10 inter-change players will be permitted per quarter (previously they were unlimited). Teams will be 15-a-side, with squads of 27 which will include nine inter-change players.
Only one member of either team management will be allowed on the sideline. There will be a new limit on hand-passing – four – after which the ball will have to be played.
Tackles can only be made between the shoulder and the hip. No ‘airborne’ tackles, or tackles with one hand. Red card offences will cover ‘deliberate disrespect’ for an opponent, ‘slinging’ (throwing a player to the ground) and fist-fighting. No replacements will be allowed. Yellow card offences will result in 10 minutes in the sin bin for ‘unreasonable or unnecessary force,’ such as players wrestling on the ground.
The official referees will be Pat McEnaney and, on the Australian side Steve McBurney (described by Pat Daly as the Monaghan man’s ‘equivalent’ in the AFL code). Dave Coldrick (Meath) and Brett Roseberry will be the stand-by referees while the Irish umpires for the series will be Gearóid Ó Conamha and John Bannon.
Sean Boylan’s backroom team includes Anthony Tohill (a former winning captain), Eoin Liston and ex-Wicklow manager Hugh Kenny who managed the Irish team at U17 level.
No players from All-Ireland finalists Tyrone or Kerry have been involved in squad training so far, but Boylan is understood to have been in contact with a number from both teams.
Sarsfields Fixtures for the coming Week.
D Day: Sunday 5th October: SFC Semi-Final Sarsfields V Moorefield at 4.30pm. Up the Sash. Come out and support the team.
Coaches Corner
Watch your Language.
By: John Morrison
A vital element of sport is good communication, essentially because good communication removes anxiety.
With that in mind, consider the following two questions: (a) In any one day how many ‘words’ would you need, and (b) do you ‘talk’ to yourself?
The first question is hard to answer but a conservative estimate from me is that it runs into thousands, maybe more, the number of words any of us need in one day.
The second question is usually avoided because people know it usually involves looking into the mind, and ‘mental’ considerations are to be avoided, so much so that sports people, including gaels, miss the opportunity to use the huge power of their mind.
Commitment is a big word in sport but all it simply means, or asks, is “are you keeping your word, especially to yourself?” New Year’s resolutions never work because the person involved doesn’t ‘keep their word’ to themselves.So, in future ask yourself the following, especially as a coach/manager/player, “Am I still doing
what I said I’d do, long after the mood I said it in has gone?”
Your word, therefore, is the only power you have.
The words we use can also affect emotions and, if used improperly, can hurt deeply.
If your mother, for example, made you and some friends a very special meal, sumptuous and couldn’t have been better, how do you think she would feel if, on asking how it went, you answered ‘alright’ or ‘nice’?
What could you have said?In giving feedback, if something is to be praised, use great words, not good words – spectacularfor good, wonderful for fine, excellent for alright etc.In correction of errors, the two best words are ‘spot’ and ‘fix’, accompanied by challenging orstimulating words, not critical words.Don’t use terms like ‘stupid, useless, lazy, messing, awful, bad’ because the player, especially ayoung player, may not have understood your words of explanation in the first place.
Remember, use words which suitably target your audience to breed understanding, otherwise‘fear’ kicks in.The words above target the ‘person’ rather than the ‘performance’ and fixing of errors is unlikelyin such a case.
Even simple words like ‘why’ can target a ‘person’, while words like ‘how’ are ‘performance’targeting. Which of these statements would you prefer to be addressed with: “Why did that happen?” (used with pointed finger); or “How did that happen?” (used with openarms/hands).‘Don’t’ is a word to avoid when coaching youngsters as it tends to perpetuate what you are trying to have them not to do.
Use the word ‘Do’ for example, ‘do kick toe down’, when getting poor contact in a kick, rather than ‘don’t do that’ or ‘don’t kick toe up’.
Words, especially when appealing to the memory bank, are involved with emotions
‘Fear’ is often generated by a misuse of words and is the result of one or more of three things – lack of understanding; lack of faith in oneself; and not being prepared.
Easy to ‘fix’ when you ‘spot’ the flaw.Players, too often, hear more ‘negative’ remarks rather than ‘positives’ thus they tend to be manic about fixing weaknesses when it is their ‘strengths’ which they hear little of, and work less on,
that usually win matches.Self-talk is vital for a player’ development and they should be taught to speak positively to themselves and constantly quoting their strengths to themselves.
Talking to ourselves is a natural mechanism to improve self image, replacing words like ‘blame’and ‘punishment’ in the mind with ‘responsibility’ and ‘reward’.
Words often give a coaches intention away.If they say ‘not a championship in them’ or ‘not much there this year’, it suggests to me there will always be little development done, individually or collectively, with that team this season.When a coach says ‘they didn’t do what I told them’, I wonder what words and experiences
players had during the time of coaching.Words in out life are numerous influential, and can affect our feelings.
So, around young players especially, we must watch our language, remembering that ‘children will not remember what you tell them, but will remember how you made them FEEL!’
Mental Rehearsal: Imagery, Visualisation
Appropriate in view of Sarsfields upcoming Semi-Final this weekend against Moorefield
Mental rehearsal or imagery/visualization gives you a chance to deal effectively with an upcoming match in your head before you confront in real life. It is a method you can use to help you get the best performance out of yourself in the next game.
The best players work extremely hard at developing mental imagery skills.
Below is a step by step guide to successful mental rehearsal.
1. Before you start to mentally rehearse for the match, relax. Make sure you are in aquiet place. You should adopt a comfortable position (sitting or lying) prior to the session. Your eyes should be closed to assist you –your bed is probably the best
place for peace. Take five deep breaths, inhaling deeply through your nose and
out through your mouth, controlling your breathing when exhaling.
2. Player are conditioned to using a warm-up prior to the start of any physical
training session. Continue this theme in a mental training session. Start by
spending a few minutes on relaxing your mind and your body as outlined above.
3. The mental rehearsal should be done in the correct timeframe. You should see
the event as you do in real life. Attempt to use all of your senses.
4. Imagine yourself in the game on Sunday going through all your skills, doing them
to perfection…. trying to use all the senses when imagining these skills, in other
words…smell the freshly mown grass, hear the shouting from the line, see the
football flying through the air, feel the football in your hands, feel the tackle you
make or take. Go through every that you will do on match day.
5. When you are doing M.R. always see yourself doing the skills well, playing well,
taking a great score, timing your tackle, winning possession ahead of your
marker, having a great first touch, fielding a high ball, securing and driving with
the ball, looking up while protecting the ball, using possession well, whether it be
by slipping to support player, placing the ball into space for team mate to win,
always making yourself available to receive the ball, working hard always, alive to
the breaking ball, taking on responsibility, breaking the gain fine, encouraging
team mates, being strong in the physical battles, running through the ball,
keeping to the game plan, being composed and in control all the time, etc.
6. Focus on the skills and the tactical job required for your position on the team.
7. Always think about playing your best.
8. If you have negative thoughts replace them immediately with positive thoughts.
9. Imagine every skill, play, etc. as if it is happening now at this moment.
10. practice regularly, start with three/four times per week, when you get better do
daily work leading up to the game, two to three times a day, (10 minutes per time
will be of greatest benefit). It may take time to get it right. It will improve your
performances.
Mental Preparation for a Physical Battle
The game is very much a physical one and it is important to be confident about your
own ability to “mix it’ physically, to win 50:50 balls, etc. and yet remain composed, in control and focused on the ball and the game.
To help in this regard use M.R. in thinking of how tough, physical or rough the game is going to be. See yourself being comfortable in this battle, imagine yourself taking a big hit and coming out with the ball and scoring a point or delivering an excellent pass. If you prepare over and over in your head for a battle, then when it happens in a game you will be able to cope with it. If you repeat to yourself… “I am ready for the battle”….”I am ready for the battle”…. and “if the opposition try to bully or intimidate me …I am ready for the battle” -you will be able to deal with it as you have played it through in your head dozens of times!
You will be able to deal with the physical battle while keeping your focus on the ball and its usage and come out on top!
More Stupid Quotes.
‘For the majority of people, the use of tobacco has a beneficial effect.’
– Dr. Ian G. MacDonald, Los Angles Surgeon, as Quoted in Newsweek November 18, 1969.
‘I deny the allegations and I defy the alligators!’
– Indicted Chicago Alderman
‘FIRST, CARRY TO FIRE.’
– Instructions on a fire extinguisher
‘If I had a choice of having a woman in my arms or shooting a bad guy on a horse, I’d take the horse. It’s a lot more fun’
– Kevin Costner, Actor
‘If you’re living in an area with a bad school, move to a place where there’s a better school.’
– Lamar Alexander, former Secretary of Education, explaining his ideas on what parents of children who attend poorly funded urban or rural schools should do to solve the problem
‘I don’t diet. I just don’t eat as much as I’d like to.’
– Linda Evangelista, Supermodel
‘He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.’
– Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota.
‘I don’t think that Saddam Hussein is deliberately starving his own people. I would think that a man who gets 99 percent of the people to vote for him in an election and the people love him so much, how would they love a man that is starving them?’
– Louis Farrakhan, Leader of The Nation of Islam
‘It is now 22 minutes past 8:30.’
– Lynn Russell, WKAT radio disc jockey
‘Man shots neighbour with machete.’
– Miami Herald, headline
‘Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.’
– Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.
‘The largest crowd ever in the state of Las Vegas.’
– Mark Jones, TV Broadcaster
‘I say no to drugs, but they don’t listen.’
– Marilyn Manson, Singer
‘It’s got lots of installation.’
– Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, describing his new coat
‘Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it.’
– Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant.
‘I’m convinced the Beatles are partly responsible for the fall of Communism.’
– Milos Forman, Film director
‘Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers.’
– Murray Walker, Sports commentator.
‘The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.’
– Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.’
– Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.
‘If only faces could talk…’
– Pat Summerall, Sports commentator, during the American Super Bowl
‘Good looking people turn me off. Myself included.’
– Patrick Swayze, Actor
‘Can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no.’
– Police detective questioning a wounded officer.
‘In an action film you act in the action, in a drama film
you act in the drama.’
– Actor Jean-Claude Van Damme
Strange News
Hello Sir, You Are Pregnant
A hospital in England, admitted that it mistakenly sent
letters to thirty patients, including six elderly men, telling
them they were pregnant. A spokesman for North Derbyshire Royal
Hospital blamed it on human error. None of the surprised
patients turned out to actually be expecting a baby, the
spokeswoman said.
Anti-Depressants For Birdie Blues
When Phoenix the parrot started ripping out his feathers,
his veterinarian reached for the anti-depressants. Phoenix, a
cockatiel, had developed the worrying habit of compulsively
ripping out his breast and wing feathers. However, a week on
pediatric Prozac, which is packaged for babies and children, did
the trick.
NY Mayor Featured On Marijuana Ads
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is featured on an advertising
campaign to decriminalize marijuana led by a group calling for
the legalization of marijuana. ‘I’m not thrilled,’ said
Bloomberg, when asked about it during a City Hall press
conference. The campaign features a statement made by
Bloomberg, before he became mayor, that he smoked pot and liked
it.
3-Year-Old Driver Hits Man
A New Zealand man was hit by a runaway car, driven by a 3 year-
old, while he was mowing his front lawn. Terry Mattsen was
pinned underneath the car driven by his next door neighbour’s
son, Angus who had climbed into the car and knocked it out of
gear. Police are not going to press any charges
Record Library Fine
Reported in The Guardian on Thursday 9 February, 2006:
A public library book issued in New Zealand in 1945 has amassed an overdue fine of NZ $9,000 [£3,500 GBP; $ 6,101USD]
‘The Punch Library of Humour’ book was borrowed from the library in Rotorua, 288 miles north of the capital, Wellington, 61 years ago, but was recently found among family belongings in Marie Sushames’s attic. Ms Sushames was presented with the fine on her 85th birthday, Rotorua’s Daily Post newspaper reported. The library’s manager, Jane Gilbert, said she would be delighted to waive the charges in return for the privilege of displaying a book which had been ‘out for 61 years’ .
Library that lets you take out people who are left on the shelf
By David Rennie in Brussels (Filed: 25/08/2005 – Daily Telegraph)
A public library in Holland has been swamped with queries after unveiling plans to ‘lend out’ living people, including homosexuals, drug addicts, asylum seekers, gipsies and the physically handicapped.
The volunteers will be borrowed by users of the library, in Almelo, who can take them to a cafeteria, and ask them any questions they like for up to an hour, in a scheme designed to break down barriers and combat prejudice. The library’s director, Jan Krol, said yesterday he had been deluged with requests from prospective borrowers after his project was reported in the Dutch media.
Almelo, a prosperous town of 72,000 people in the Twente region of east Holland, is not known as a hotbed of Amsterdam-style liberalism. The people-lending scheme was conceived as a local project, designed to encourage the solid burghers of Almelo to make contact with members of ethnic minorities and other marginalized members of society but caught the imagination of the Dutch press.
‘It has caused a lot of interest, a lot of people have already called with questions like: do I need a library card?’ said Mr Krol. Borrowers of people will not need a card, he said, though one will remain necessary for more prosaic items, such as books. There will be no fines for returning people late, he added.’ Most meetings will last 45 minutes, we imagine. You can ask anything you like, but racist or strong language is not allowed. To avoid unpleasantness, all meetings must take place in the library café.’
Mr Krol, who said he was inspired by a similar scheme in Sweden, has already filled many of his volunteer slots, and hopes to launch the project next month. He said: ‘I’ve got several gay men, a couple of lesbian women, a couple of Islamic volunteers, I’ve got a physically handicapped woman, and a woman who has been living on social security benefits for many years in real poverty.’ Mr Krol said he was especially keen to find members of Holland’s small Roma gipsy community after a recent attack on two gipsy families in the city of Enschede.
Under the scheme, photographs and short biographies of the volunteers will appear in the library, and on its website. Library users who wish to take a person out can apply for an appointment. Mr Krol said he had not cleared the scheme with his municipal bosses.’ Oh, I never ask the council before I do anything, ‘he said.’ And there are no costs at all, only two cups of coffee.’
The 15 Shortest Books Ever Written
1. Gun Control for The New Millennium: NRA Handbook
2. Career Opportunities for Philosopher graduates
3. Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages
4. Everything Men Know About Women
5. Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
6. A Plan For Prohibition In Australia
7. Safe Places to Travel in Zimbabwe
8. The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
9. 1000 Years of German Humour
10. The Fat, Lard, and Cream Diet
11. Americans’ Guide to Etiquette
12. Bedouin Olympic Swimmers
13. One-Legged Folk Dances
14. Advanced Subtraction
15. Arctic Water Polo
True Story
The connection between a horse’s behind, Railway gauge and The Space Shuttle.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8 1/2 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England and Ireland and English and Irish immigrants built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? The answer is because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used. Why did they use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
So, why did the wagons have that particularly odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
So the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8 1/2 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s arse came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Space Shuttle Connection
Now the twist to the story……. There’s an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses’ behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. Thiokol at their factory in Utah makes the SRBs. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses’ behinds. So, a major design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s arse.
Humour
The Beckhams
David Beckham decides to go horse riding.
Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts
the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Meanwhile, Victoria watches her husband admiringly.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins
to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the
neck shouting for it to stop.
Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her
husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and
is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a
grip on the horse’s neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the
horse, but
his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the
horse gallops along David’s head is banging on the ground and he is
slipping into unconsciousness.
Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!! Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the supermarket and unplugs the horse.
Parachute Dilemma
There were three passengers in a light aircraft but only two parachutes.
· The first, Seamus, was the Irish Master Mind Champion.
· The second, Larry, was an American Hall of fame of Footballer.
· The third, Bruce, was an Australian dual Olympic Games Champion.
The conversation went thus, Seamus said, ‘There have been many American Hall of fame footballers and several people have won Olympic Gold medals, but there has only ever been one Irish Master Mind Champion. So I’ll take the first parachute and you two can fight it out for the last one’ . With that Seamus took a parachute and leapt out of the plane, which incidentally, by now was in considerable distress.
‘How shall we decide who has the last parachute?’ , Larry asked Bruce. ‘No worries’ , Bruce said, ‘Yonder Irish Master Mind Champion has jumped out with my rucksack’ .
Laws of Computing
1. If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
2. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
3. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.
4. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you’d least expect to find it.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn’t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
Arresting time
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
‘But officer, ‘the man began, ‘I can explain.’
‘Quiet!’ snapped the officer.’ I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.’
‘But, officer, I just wanted to say, ‘
‘And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!’
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, ‘Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.’
‘Don’t count on it, ‘answered the guy in the cell.’ I’m the groom.’
“Christ why didn’t you say.”
Young Entrepreneur
Robert, who was 6 years old, was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in Farmer White’s garden. ‘I’ll give you 10cents for that tomato,’ said Robert pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
‘No, I can’t do that,’ replied Farmer White, ‘I can get a euro for a tomato like that one.’
So Robert pointed to a smaller green tomato, ‘Will you take 10 cents for that one?’
‘Oh, yes,’ answered the farmer, ‘I’ll give you that one for 10 cents.’
‘OK,’ said Robert smiling, sealing the deal by putting the coin in the Farmer White’s hand, ‘I’ll collect it in a week’s time.’
Oscar Wilde
A pompous speaker who had a great opinion of himself gave a long boring self congratulatory after-dinner speech. He then made the mistake of turning to his neighbour on the top table, who happened to be Oscar Wilde, and asked, ‘How would you have delivered that speech?’ ‘Under an assumed name’, came the reply from Oscar Wilde.
Funny Political Jokes and One-Liners
· In democracy it’s your vote that counts;
In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Mogens Jallberg
· The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’, and the word ‘ticks’, meaning ‘blood sucking parasites’.
Larry Hardiman
· ‘The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.’
Will Rogers
· ‘In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.’
Thomas Pickering
· ‘Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.’
Ronald Reagan
· I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. Nancy Reagan
· When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‘Present’ or ‘Not guilty.’
Theodore Roosevelt (Could have been any number of presidents since)
· ‘The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it’.
Ronald Reagan
· ‘I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting’.
Ronald Reagan
· Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
Doug Larson
· Today’s public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can’t read them either.
Gore Vidal
· ‘Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it wrongly, and applying unsuitable remedies’.
Sir Ernest Benn
· ‘In politics, absurdity is not a handicap’. Napoleon Bonaparte.
· On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing.’
Alexis de Toqueville
· ‘Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy’.
Ernest Benn
· ‘Politics makes strange bedfellows rich’. Wayne Haisley
· ‘There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you’.
Will Rogers
· ‘Politicians make strange bedfellows, but they all share the same bunk’.
Edgar A. Shoaff
· ‘You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.’
Joseph Levine
· ‘Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges, even where there are no rivers’.
Nikita Kruschchev
· ‘Artificial hearts are nothing new. Politicians have had them for years.’
Mack McGinnis
· Don’t vote. You’ll only encourage them.
Anon
· ‘Although he is regularly asked to do so, God does not take sides in American politics.’
George Mitchell.
· A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. Mark Twain
· Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. Kin Hubbard
· When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. PJ O’Rourke
· Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers
· Crime does not pay … as well as politics.
Alfred E. Newman
Flying Blind
A plane was flying from Shanghai to Zhengzhou. By the time they took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was slightly annoyed. Unexpectedly, they stopped at Nanjing on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, we could re-board in thirty minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. One passenger noticed him as he walked by and could tell he had flown before because his guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. The passenger could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, ‘Lee, we’re in Nanjing for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’
Lee replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?’
Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!
The Photographer and the pilot
The photographer for a national US magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
‘It will be waiting for you at the airport!’ he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, ‘Let’s go! Let’s go!’ The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
‘Fly over the north side of the fire,’ said the photographer, ‘and make three or four low level passes.’
‘Why?’ asked the pilot.
‘Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!’ said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, ‘You mean you’re not my flying instructor.’
Physicists Identify New Periodic Element
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet
known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25
assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert;
however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction
with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would
normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four
years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-5 years; it does not
decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion
of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time,
since each reorganization will cause more morons to become
neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron
promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is
formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium,
an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium
since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Answers to last week’s Brain Teasers
Two mothers and two daughters were fishing. They managed to catch
one big fish, one small fish, and one fat fish. Since only three
fish were caught, how is it possible that they each took home a fish?
Answer: The fishing party consisted of three people. A grandmother, a
mother, and a daughter. The mother is both a mother and a daughter.
If you were to put a coin into an empty bottle and then insert a
cork into the neck, how could you remove the coin without taking
out the cork or breaking the bottle?
Answer: Simply push the cork into the bottle and shake the coin out
What is at the beginning of eternity, the end of time, the
beginning of every end, and the end of every place?
Answer: ‘e’
Here are this week’s Brain Teasers
1 A snail is at the bottom of a well 30 feet deep. It crawls
up 3 feet each day, but at night, it slips down 2 feet. How long
does it take for the snail to crawl out of the well?
2 Four men and four women are shipwrecked on a desert island.
Eventually each one falls in love with one another, and is himself
loved by one person. John falls in love with a girl who is in love
with Jim. Arthur loves a girl who loves the man who loves Ellen.
Mary is loved by the man who is loved by the girl who is loved by
Bruce. Gloria hates Bruce and is hated by the man whom Hazel
loves. Enigma: Who loves Arthur?
3 A boy leaves his house one summer day, and began to run
into the woods to his grandmother’s house which is on the other
side of the woods. It should also be known that the boy reached
his grandmother’s house. How far did the boy run into the woods?
Answers next week. You can e-mail your answers to the address below and those with the correct answer(s) will have their names published so everyone can see how brainy they are.
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