THE SASH Tuesday 16th December 2008
The Weekly Online Newsletter of Sarsfields GAA Club.
Sarsfields AGM.
At the Sarsfields AGM held in the Roseberry Room on Saturday night outgoing Chairman and Chairman of the Football Management Committee, Brian Dempsey confirmed to the meeting the appointment of former Wicklow footballer and Manager and selector on this year’s Irish Compromise Rules team, Hugh Kenny as Sarsfields new senior football Manager. The new manager will meet with the players this week. He will choose his selectors from the club. Tributes were paid at the AGM to former Manager Paul Doyle who brought the team to the County Final but who decided not to put his name forward for next year.
The following Officers were elected to the Executive Committee: Chairman: Brendan Ryan. Vice Chairman, Irish Officer, Health and Safety Officer: Christopher Horan. Secretary: Tony McConnell. Treasurer: Shane Cambell. Registrar and Child Welfare Officer: Kathleen Ryan: PRO: Tony Ryan re-elected. County Board Delegate: Cammilus Walsh re-elected. President: John O’Neill. Thanks to the outgoing Officers Brian Dempsey (Chairman) Brendan Ryan (Secretary) Shane Scanlon (Vice Chairman) Marie Clancy (Treasurer) and Deirdre O’Sullivan (Registrar) for all their hard work over the years. Liam O’Callaghan asked the club to acknowledge the huge debt of gratitude that is owed to the McIntyre family and Roseberry Construction for their sponsorship over the last nine years. Shane Scanlon was appointed Feile coordinator and will be the Chairman of the Feile committee that will be chosen at the Juvenile AGM which takes place on Friday the 7th of January 2009 at 8pm. Juvenile Chairman Tony McConnell will need team reports from all managers as soon as possible. As newly appointed Club Secretary Tony McConnell will be standing down as Juvenile chairman and this position will have to be filled on the night.
Eric Thorpe Issues Edict
Eric Thorpe, Mr Sarsfields who recently discovered that he has a direct linage to the Great Patrick Sardfields issued an edict to his executive Committee after he appointed them on Saturday night at the AGM. Eric who decided to dispense with elections since he appointed himself as supreme leader of Sarsfields told the Committee “I want my Pool Table put back in the bar. I know that I told the Committee that they could make some minor decisions without consulting me but this is not a minor issue since I was halfway through a Pool tournament when the refurbishment of the bar began. Do they expect me to finish the tournament in the Car Park”. He fumed. “I will not tolerate insubordination from them. I don’t know why I bother having a committee anyway since I do everything myself around the club with a little help from Celine. That Christy Horan fella is hanging around here as if he owns the place. Every time I turn around he’s there. Can’t get rid of him. So I’ll have to put up with him since I took pity on him as it’s coming up to Christmas and made him Vice Chairman. Ye know yourself tis the season to be good-natured and all that aul palava. I got some good news this week though from my literary agent Michael O’Conner. He tells me that the book I wrote “The History of Sarsfields GAA “ is selling very well. Now there’s a fella that does what he’s told. He’s booked me a place on that RTE programme The View with that quare looking gaunt pasty-faced fella John Kelly. I wonder is there a potato famine up there in Monaghan as he doesn’t look like he ever got a good feed of spuds. Kelly wants to interview me about my research for the book and how I discovered that I am a descendent of Patrick Sarsfield. It will be great publicity for my club and my book. The only problem is that I will have to share the studio with my all those arty farty types that he has on the programme every week.
I think I will get Christy to paint my Sarsfields mobile security patrol vehicle/cum greyhound carrier green and white before I head for RTE next week. It will keep him busy, make him feel important and will keep him away from the coffee for a while. He’s costing me a fortune in coffee. Then I have to interview the new Manager Hugh Kenny and let him know who’s boss. Paul Doyle tried to do his own thing last year until I set him straight. Look what he achieved under my direction. As ye are all aware I masterminded the strategy that brought down the encampment at the edge of the Curragh. I told ye all here that I would do it. Conquer and divide. I obviously inherited my brilliant talent for tactical strategy from Patrick Sarsfield. It sure worked. Look how divided the enemy are now; the infighting and bloodletting that is going on all over the plains of Allen so to speak. Some of them have even deserted Neeson’s funeral parlour after a lifetime spent there drinking while they planned and plotted against the Sash. Their politburo has broken up into factions and the knives are out. Hitler’s night of the long knives will be a kindergarten fight compared to what going to happen up there. I only hope my lieutenant Kevin Brennan doesn’t get caught up in the crossfire as he heads into enemy territory to put on a bet next door to the funeral parlour.
I have a very busy week ahead of me. I must give Michael O’Conner a ring to check for my engagements. He’s becoming indispensable to me lately. Not like Christy and the rest of them. If the new Chairman Brendan Ryan doesn’t shape to my expectations he will find himself shipped out very quickly, Christmas or no Christmas. Ye Can’t afford to show weakness in front of the troops. CHRISTY “Yes Mr Sarsfields what can I do for you” says Christy as he quickly materialises beside his master. “It’s time for you to do another sweep of the perimeter. Check for enemy combatants lurking in the shadows though I think they are too busy preparing to tear themselves asunder to give me much thought at the minute. When you’re finished and have delivered your report to me you can have that cup of coffee I promised you” “Thanks Eric, I mean Mr Sarsfields”. “When you’ve had your coffee I want you to take my mobile patrol vehicle and go and feed my greyhounds” “Will do Mr Sarsfields” Christy stands there deliberating, “Yes” says Eric. “What are you staring at? You’re no oil painting yourself. You have your instructions”. “Em, Mr Sarsfields now that you have appointed me as your Vice Chairman will you not be giving me some more responsibility. I mean I don’t mind doing the security patrol and feeding your dogs but I mean”. . . “Christy you read my mind. I have a very important job for you when your not doing security patrol and feeding my beloved greyhounds or painting my security vehicle” “Painting your security vehicle”?. “Yes yes never mind that now” says Eric as he puts his arm around Christy and speaks quietly. “I want you to be my eyes and ears at every meeting. I want to know everything that they are saying and planning” “But but that would be like spying”, sputters Christy. “Not at all”, Eric smiles enigmatically.
“I simply want you to be my liaison officer with the Committee” “Oh that’s fine Mr Sarsfields. Will you tell the Chairman or will I” “No need for you to worry about the little details. Just leave them to me. That’s why I’m the supreme leader and your well, your the Vice Chairman” . Christy returns 20 minutes later from his perimeter sweep. “Boss boss come here”. What is it now. Can’t you people do anything on your own”. “I found a trespasser down at the second pitch. It’s the mutt McDonnell. He’s looking for political asylum. He wants to get away from the faction fighting in Moorefield”. “Right bring him to me. I want him interrogated. He’s being sent here to get information on the new Manager. Get the storeroom ready and get Gerry Hoey here at once. We might have to give the mutt electric shock treatment to find out what the devious fecker is up to”. “But Mr Sarsfields he might complain to the County board about ill treatment”. Never mind the County Board it will be the Geneva Convention we’ll have to worry about if anyone finds out about this. Not a word to anyone.”. “Should I tell the Chairman”. “Look Christy how many times do I have to tell you that the Chairman is just a figure head around here”. You just do as I say and you might get the Chair one day.”
Leinster GAA News
GAA PRESS RELEASE
At a meeting of the GAA’s Central Council on Saturday13th December the following matters were discussed.
International Rules Series
Central Council confirmed the reappointment of Seán Boylan and team as Ireland International Rules Manager for 2009. Australia will play two games in Ireland in 2009 (venues to be confirmed) following which there will be a break for one year in 2010. The series will continue in 2011 and 2012. Discussions are continuing with the AFL in relation to recruitment of Irish players.
All Ireland Football Qualifiers
It was confirmed that there will be no designated teams in the first round of the All Ireland Football Championship Qualifiers in 2009 and that the first team drawn in each tie would be entitled to home venue.
Disputes Resolution Authority 2008
Liam Keane, Secretary of the DRA delivered a report on the activities of the Authority in 2008. He said that 23 requests for arbitration had been received this year, of which five were successful. He said the number of requests continued to fall and now average less than two per month.
Financial Matters
Finance Director, Tom Ryan presented the budget for the Association for 2009. It was confirmed that there would be no increase in admission prices in 2009. The proposed increase in mileage rates has been deferred due to falling fuel prices.
Child Welfare
National Children’s Officer, Gearóid Ó Maoilmhichíl outlined to the meeting developments to help ensure the delivery of best practice for the welfare and protection of children and young people in the GAA. This includes:
* Roll-out of the proposed new GAA National vetting service from February 2009.
* Revised and updated ‘Code of Best Practice’ which is on target for publication in February 2009.
*
Joint ‘Code of Behaviour’ for persons working with children for GAA, Cumann Camógaíochta na nGael, Cumann Peil Gael na mBan, Comhairle Cluiche Corr and Comhairle Liathróid Láimhe na hÉireann due for publication in early 2009.
Further Information
Lisa Clancy
Director of Communications
GAA Communications Office
00353(0)18658614
087-2314260
Kildare’s National League Fixtures for 2009.
Kildare kick off their Division 2, 2009 League campaign on Sunday February 1st, away to Laois at 2-30pm On Sunday, Feb 15th, Kildare are host to Cork; Sunday, March 8th, Leinster finalists Wexford will be in St. Conleth’s Park; March, 15th, Kildare are away to Monaghan; Sunday March 22nd, Kildare are at home to Armagh; Sunday March 29th, away to Fermanagh; and Sunday, April 12th away to Meath in the final league game. For those supporters planning the annual away trip the game against Fermanagh looks like the likely one.
Sarsfields Fundraising Christmas Draw.
Tickets are still available for the club’s fundraising draw priced at €60 or two for €100. The draw will take place in the Clubhouse on Saturday 20th December.1st prize is a Fiat Punto, 2nd prize a €3,500 Holiday Voucher, 3rd prize a 46” Flatscreen TV and 4th prize of €1000 cash..
More Stupid Quotes.
Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
I find it interesting how we get carried away by the dogma a-la-mode.
Lincoln Diaz-Ballart, US representative from Florida.
If you don’t disagree with me, how will I know I’m right?
Samuel Goldwyn
A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.
Samuel Goldwyn
Why only twelve?
Samuel Goldwyn, while filming The Last Supper, (attributed)
Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.
Gravestone Inscription.
Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.
Pedro Guerrero, baseball player, on reporters
People say I’m extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?
Imelda Marcos , one-time Phillippine first lady, and owner of 3,000 pairs of shoes
If ever there was a case of clearer evidence than this of persons acting in concert together, this case is that case!
Sir R. Megarry
Can’t act. Can’t sing. Balding. Can dance a little.
MGM summary of a screen test by some guy named Fred Astaire
No one wants to say the sky is falling, but in this instance I am afraid the emperor has no clothes. Despite Herculean efforts by the Council and Council staff, we are still only dealing with the tip of the iceberg.
Charles Millard, NYC councilman, in a press release
All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath.
David Miller, US Dept of Environment spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation
I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.
Richard Nixon, US President.
I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version. Colonel
Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover.
Parish Magazine Parish Magazine
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. Article in
Soviet Weekly
Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?
Reverand William Spooner, of Oxford, England (for whom the ‘Spoonerism’ is named)
It is beyond my apprehension.
Danny Ozark, baseball team manager, regarding his team’s losing streak
I’m the consul for information, but I don’t have any information.
Ofra Ben Yaacoe, Israeli Consul, Chicago.
Q: What should I do if I find a rock in a bag of potatoes? A: Simply return the rock to your grocer, who will give you the rock’s weight in potatoes. From a
USDA booklet, titled How to Buy Potatoes
Church cricket team says sorry – for losing to Germans
A Sussex church has apologised in its parish magazine after its cricket team lost to a side of Germans.
St Symporians Church newsletter published the notice after the parish side, based in Worthing, was beaten by a team from their twin town of Munchberg.
The Germans had such a loose grasp of the rules that it took them several minutes to work out they had won the game – by 45 runs – when the English were bowled out.
The notice states: ‘In affectionate remembrance of St Symphorians Cricket, which died at Goring Gap on August 28, 2008. Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances, RIP. NB – the balls were cremated and the ashes taken to Germany.’
Michael Winter, who organised the game, said: ‘At first it seemed like the match would never start, with the rules repeated several times by different people in different languages.
‘Munchberg won the toss and elected to bat first – although they didn’t know why. Once the match started it didn’t look pretty with wayward bowling, dodgy fielding and inept batting. Munchberg finished 81 all out.’
Of the English innings, he said: ‘It started badly. Most were out for a duck and those who did score didn’t stay in much longer. St Symphorians were out for a pathetic 36.
‘The Germans eventually realised they had won and cheered. Later that evening they were awarded the ashes.’
The sides are due to have a rematch in Germany next year.
Fans pick fantasy flops
Football fans have picked a team of the worst 11 players ever to ‘grace’ the Premier League.
And there are more players from ten-times champions Manchester United than any other club, reports The Sun.
A survey of 1,000 fans by Top Up TV chose Massimo Taibi, the hapless Italian who played just four times for Man U, as goalkeeper.
The back four consists of Wigan Athletic’s Titus Bramble, Newcastle’s Jean-Alain Boumsong, Darren Peacock (QPR) and Everton’s Abel Xavier.
In midfield are Man U pair Eric Djemba-Djemba and Luke Chadwick, alongside former Sheffield Wednesday and Leeds player Carlton Palmer.
The strikers selected are Middlesbrough’s Lee Dong Gook, Tomas Brolin (Leeds) and Man United’s Diego Forlan.
The fan’s also picked a manager – Sammy Lee, whose disastrous spell as Bolton boss got him the job just ahead of Tottenham’s Christian Gross.
Jim Hytner, of Top Up TV, said: ‘Taibi is probably the worst of all, but Titus Bramble still got more votes.’
Olympic drunk is sports minister
A drunken fan of Olympic competitors from Belgium has been identified as the country’s sports minister.
A loud Belgian fan had been shouting out during a doubles match between Argentinian and Belgian players.
Eventually Argentine tennis ace David Nalbandian lost his temper and told him to be quiet.
But other Belgian supporters recognised the ‘very drunk’ man as sports minister Michel Daerden, media in the country have reported.
Daerden was also spotted drunk when cheering on the Belgian hockey team from the stands, say reports.
One Belgian fan, Marc Demeyer, said: ‘He was drunk as a skunk. It’s an embarrassment for the nation.’
Olympics fan takes the high jump
A desperate sports fan took a high jump from his second storey apartment – when his wife banned him from watching the Olympics on television.
Athletics-mad Cornel Hobai, 42, leapt from the balcony when his wife pulled the plug after enduring hours of TV from Beijing.
But he amazed medics when he escaped with just a sprained ankle after falling more than 20 feet onto grass below.
Dr Tudor Ciuhodaru at Iasi Hospital said: ‘It seems that not being able to watch what he wanted on the TV was the last straw.’
Sven lookalike fools Mexico
A Sven-Goran Eriksson lookalike duped one of Mexico’s top football clubs into giving him the red-carpet treatment.
Flanked by two glamour girls, ‘Sven’ claimed he wanted to check out the squad before making his first selection for the Mexican national side.
But it was actually Derek Williams, a 56-year-old English actor who is trying to rekindle his career as a Sven lookalike.
He was given a tour of Universidad Nacional’s stadium before issuing a statement to journalists and posing for photographs.
No one appeared to noticed that the visitor was not the real Eriksson until after he had left, the Italian newspaper Gazzetta dello Sport reported.
The Universidad Nacional manager Ricardo Ferretti, who chatted to Mr Williams and showed him around the ground, said: ‘To be honest, I was quite amused.
‘The fake Eriksson told me he was watching my players ahead of his next call-ups, and I believed him.’
Mr Williams, of Welwyn Garden City, advertises himself on his website as a ‘Svenalike’. He arranged his visit by sending the first division club fake documents purporting to be from the Mexican football federation.
The real Eriksson was named as the new Mexico coach in June after being sacked by Manchester City. Mexican officials have since warned all clubs to be on their guard should the imposter strike again.
‘The real Eriksson is in the US at the moment and the character who has been claiming to be him is just a ringer,’ the federation said in a statement, adding that Mr Williams had shown a ‘total lack of respect’.
In Czechhoslovakia, there is a church that has a chandelier made of human bones.
Make No Bones About It at The Sedlec Ossuary’s Amazing Relics
Once upon a time, around the mid 1200s in what was then Bohemia, a Cisterian monk brought back some earth from Jerusalem and sprinkled it on the monastery cemetery lot. Local people thought this made it an especially holy spot and they all wanted to be buried there.
While the graveyard would have had to expand over the years anyway, its ‘population’ boomed in 1318, with some 30,000 plague victims, and later, casualties of the Hussite wars. Because of this, a chapel was erected in the late 1400s, with an ossuary underneath, for the storage of bones from graves that had been unearthed to make room for more ‘residents’.
Wood carver Frantisek Rint was hired to use the bones of approximately 40,000 people, to decorate the Chapel. The results are one of the most bizarre, and beautiful sights in all of Europe.
Among the most amazing creations of Rint, is the massive chandelier, which contains at least one, of every bone in the human body. His largest creations are the bells that decorate each of the four corners of the Chapel. Other wonders include a local family’s coat of arms, two monstrances, and a sign where he placed his name, made entirely of bones.
True Story 2.
Danger on the Wing
All it takes is a single bird to knock a plane out of the air. And when they encounter flocks of birds on the wing, those meetings can be fatal, as in the 1995 collision between 30 geese and a jet at the Elmendorf Air Force Base in Anchorage, Alaska, where all 24 people aboard, were killed.
That kind of accident isn’t a recent development, either. The first man to cross America in an airplane, Calbraith Rodgers, was killed in a bird/plane collision in 1912. But with the boom in population, and the need to get there faster, air travel has grown by leaps and bounds, and so has the bird problem.
So serious is the matter taken, that NASA keeps a special, high-powered gun that fires dead birds at the windshields of new planes, to test their durability in the face of feathered threats.
In the last decade of the 1900s, the Federal Aviation Commission estimated that bird collisions in-air or on the ground, caused $48 million dollars in damage. In fact, by 1997, figures showed that incidents of bird/plane accidents had soared to more than 2,800 annually, an increase of 50% over 1990 figures.
Why are birds a problem? For one, airports tend to be built in areas distant from ‘civilization’, because of the noise factor. This means there is usually grass if not marshland, and natural insect life to feed on. Coastal airports being near the water, attract sea birds, as well.
In an attempt to solve the problem, airports have shot birds, poisoned them, set off firecrackers, and installed loud sirens. Some even resorted to dog patrols that would go out twice daily, and harass the avian population. All of these have had limited success.
On the other hand, the airport at Gloucestershire, England, came up with a solution that drove the doves (and everything else) away. They replaced their recordings of bird distress calls, with some by Tina Turner – played at top volume.
Strange News
Poor Pole in the Dog House
In January, Zdzislaw Bukarowcz, a seventy-five year old Polish man from Scinawa, lived in a dog’s kennel for three weeks. It was all the work of his wife, Mrs Bukarowcz, her reason for dishing out this punishment was because Zdzislaw repeatedly came home drunk.
She chained him to the kennel and fed him on dog food; Zdzislaw was given water from a dog bowl. At night the temperatures often dropped to minus 20 degrees Celsius.
Mrs Bukarowcz told reporters that she was sick of him wasting all their money on vodka. His drinking companions, worried by his non-attendance in the pub, eventually freed him from his imprisonment and called the police.
Certain Words Makes Man Snap
Thomas Mitchell was found guilty for aggravated assault in the
shooting of his girlfriend. He shot her because he thought she
was going to say the word ‘New Jersey.’ His lawyer said certain
words caused Mitchell to snap such as ‘Wisconsin,’ ‘New Jersey,’
‘Snickers,’ and ‘Mars.’ Mitchell who is 54, covered his ears in
court when these words were about to be said. The witnesses had
to use flashcards instead. Mitchell was said to be troubled but
not crazy. On March 19, 1999 Mitchell was convicted to shooting
his girlfriend three times because he thought she was going to
say ‘New Jersey.’ His girlfriend however survived the attack and
died from other causes before the trial had begun.
Woman Makes Entire Wardrobe Out Of Hair
A Romanian woman has just completed creating an entire wardrobe
out of her her own hair. Ioana Cioanca, 64, started to collect
her fallen hair since she was 17 when her grandmother told her
that it was a sin to throw it out. She just completed making a
raincoat for the winter season. She says she intends to wear it
over the brown blouse and skirt crocheted from the same material
when she goes to church on Sunday.
How Logical is the English Language?
The market garden was designed to produce produce.
The city dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
In the boat, a row erupted amongst the oarsmen about how to row.
The nurse wound the crepe bandage around the wound.
Dessie decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Chloe was too close to the door to close it.
When Ted saw the tear in the painting he shed a tear.
How can I intimate my thoughts to my most intimate friend?
Sherrie shed her shoes in the shed.
In terms of weight lead is in the lead.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
Why do our noses run but our feet smell?
I did not object to the object.
Freddie filled in his form by filling it out.
Why do performers recite a play, yet play at a recital?
Humour.
Tragedy
Once George Bush Jr. visited an elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, ‘Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident’.
Then he said, ‘Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?’
A little boy raises his hand and says, ‘If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car.’
Bush says, ‘No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?’
A little girl raises her hand and says, ‘If a busload of kids drove off a cliff.’
Bush says, ‘No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?’
A boy raises his hand and says and says, ‘If you and Mrs. Bush was on a plane and it blew up.’
Then Bush says, ‘Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?’
And the little boy says, ‘Well, it wouldn’t have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn’t have been a great loss.’
A Quickie
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, ‘Honey, can I have a quickie?’
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women’s rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, ‘George, it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.’
Clocks In Heaven
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ‘What are all those clocks?’
St. Peter answered, ‘Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.’
‘Oh,’ said the man, ‘whose clock is that?’
‘That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.’
‘Incredible,’ said the man. ‘And whose clock is that one?’
St. Peter responded, ‘That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.’
‘Where’s Bush’s clock?’ asked the man.
‘Bush’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.’
Donations To Bush
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, ‘Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing’s even moving.’
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, ‘Excuse me, Officer, what’s the hold up?’
The Officer replies, ‘President Bush is just so depressed about being behind in the polls that he stopped his motorcade
in the middle of the Beltway and he’s threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says he can’t find donators to give him money for his campaign. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him.’
‘Oh really? How much have you collected so far?’
‘So far only about three hundred gallons, but I’ve got a lot of people still siphoning!’
Doctors Chat
A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.
The British doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking work in six weeks.’
Then the German doctor bragged, ‘That’s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.’
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, ‘You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work.’
Bush Leadership Test
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.
‘I do so by asking them the right questions,’ says the Queen. ‘Allow me to demonstrate.’
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, ‘Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?’
Tony Blair responds, ‘It’s me, ma’am.’
‘Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,’ says the Queen. She hangs up and says, ‘Did you get that, Mr. Bush?’
Bush nods: ‘Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!’
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Dick Lugar to the White House and says, ‘Senator Lugar, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.’
‘Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?’
Bush poses the question: ‘Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?’
Lugar hems and haws and finally asks, ‘Can I think about it and get back to you?’
Bush agrees, and Lugar leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Lugar calls Rice at the State Department and explains his problem.
‘Now lookee here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?’
Rice answers immediately, ‘It’s me, of course.’
Much relieved, Lugar rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, ‘I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Condoleezza Rice!’
And Bush replies in disgust, ‘Wrong, you dumb s**t, it’s Tony Blair!’
Heckling The Mayor
A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech. Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, ‘will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city.’
‘Well Mr. Mayor,’ the man said in a firm voice. ‘I voted against you in the last election.’
Answers to last week’s Brain Teasers.
1How would you rearrange the letters in the words new door to make one
word? Note: There is only one correct answer.
Answer: One Word!
2A man has recently escaped from prison and is making his way home on foot. He is walking along a straight rural country lane in bright daylight. He has walked about two miles from the prison, when he sees a police car coming toward him. Despite knowing that all squads would be out looking for him, he ran towards the car for a short while, and only when he was about ten feet away, did he turn and run into the woods to hide. Why did he run towards the police car?
Answer: The man is on a bridge when he spots the police car.
He’s more than halfway across, so the quickest way off the bridge is to run forward.
3In 1985, a person is 15 years old. In 1990 that same person
is 10 years old. How is this possible?
Answer: The dates are in BC .
This Week’s Brain Teasers
1 In front of you, there are 9 coins. They all look absolutely identical, but one of the coins is fake. However, you know that the fake coin is lighter than the rest, and in front of you is a balance scale. What is the least number of weighings you can use to find the counterfeit coin?
2 If today is Tuesday, what is the day after the day before the day
before tomorrow?
3 At a summer camp, Marc bet his friends during our midnight feast
that the weather in exactly one week’s time would not be sunny.
How can Marc be so sure?
Answers next week. You can e-mail your answers to the address below and those with the correct answer(s) will have their name, , s published so everyone can see how brainy they are.
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